Friday, August 19, 2011

Hands Off Our Cocks!

An Article I wrote for the wonderful HipsterJew.com, go check them out!

Hands off our cocks!

San Francisco made waves about a month ago trying to ban circumcision. It doesn’t seem like the bill is going to go to vote, but there are rumors that a few other cities might try to write their own similar bills. So, I’ve made all you Jews and pro-circumcisers out there a little cheat sheet just in case a bill like this ever does go to a vote. Here is how you can answer some of the tougher arguments against circumcision. Enjoy!

Argument: The foreskin has 5000 more nerve endings on it than an uncircumcised penis tip, making sex much more pleasurable.
Rebuttal: Yeah. That’s what I need, to be quicker in bed.

Argument: It’s genital mutilation!
Rebuttal: It’s genital indoctrination (I’m very proud of myself for this one.).

Argument: God doesn’t make mistakes.
Rebuttal: Really? Have you ever seen the entire continent of Africa? What about the tar pits, or the entire CBS Monday Night Comedy line up? “Big Bang Theory “ into “Two and a Half Men”, into “Mike and Molly”? SOMEONE’S got to apologize for that monstrosity.

Argument: The man has the right to decide whether he wants the surgery.
Rebuttal: A man will never be old enough or mature enough to make a rational decision about his penis. Come on! Do you know all the terrible decisions I’ve made because of my penis? I once thought it would feel really good to fuck an entire jar of Vick’s Vapo rub ( it didn’t) The same penis and man who spent two hours scraping Vick’s vapo rub off his swollen penis would have to consent to snipping a piece of it off? No…won’t happen…ever…

Arguement: The Catholic Church actually banned circumcision at the council of Florence in the mid 1400’s.
Rebuttal: That just makes me want to do it more!

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision can lead to anxiety and depression
Rebuttal: Look at the Jewish people…it now all makes sense…

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision might lead to mental disabilities:
Rebuttal: Oh. I’m sorry…I was too busy being retarded to understand this statement.

Argument: Some studies show that due to the pain, circumcision disrupts the infant-mother bond at a dangerously early age.
Rebuttal: Oh yeah…If there’s one problem Jewish men have it’s not having a close enough relationship with their mothers. Speaking of that…mom I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy. I’ll call you right when I’m done with this column.

Argument: Cleaning your foreskin is as easy as cleaning your belly button
Rebuttal: Wait! People clean their belly buttons? Shit.

Final Comment:
So there you have it! Thanks to circumcision us Jews are depressed and anxious godless retards who hate our mothers and don’t enjoy sex…

Wait…that doesn’t sound too far off from me…

No comments: