Friday, August 19, 2011

Hands Off Our Cocks!

An Article I wrote for the wonderful HipsterJew.com, go check them out!

Hands off our cocks!

San Francisco made waves about a month ago trying to ban circumcision. It doesn’t seem like the bill is going to go to vote, but there are rumors that a few other cities might try to write their own similar bills. So, I’ve made all you Jews and pro-circumcisers out there a little cheat sheet just in case a bill like this ever does go to a vote. Here is how you can answer some of the tougher arguments against circumcision. Enjoy!

Argument: The foreskin has 5000 more nerve endings on it than an uncircumcised penis tip, making sex much more pleasurable.
Rebuttal: Yeah. That’s what I need, to be quicker in bed.

Argument: It’s genital mutilation!
Rebuttal: It’s genital indoctrination (I’m very proud of myself for this one.).

Argument: God doesn’t make mistakes.
Rebuttal: Really? Have you ever seen the entire continent of Africa? What about the tar pits, or the entire CBS Monday Night Comedy line up? “Big Bang Theory “ into “Two and a Half Men”, into “Mike and Molly”? SOMEONE’S got to apologize for that monstrosity.

Argument: The man has the right to decide whether he wants the surgery.
Rebuttal: A man will never be old enough or mature enough to make a rational decision about his penis. Come on! Do you know all the terrible decisions I’ve made because of my penis? I once thought it would feel really good to fuck an entire jar of Vick’s Vapo rub ( it didn’t) The same penis and man who spent two hours scraping Vick’s vapo rub off his swollen penis would have to consent to snipping a piece of it off? No…won’t happen…ever…

Arguement: The Catholic Church actually banned circumcision at the council of Florence in the mid 1400’s.
Rebuttal: That just makes me want to do it more!

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision can lead to anxiety and depression
Rebuttal: Look at the Jewish people…it now all makes sense…

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision might lead to mental disabilities:
Rebuttal: Oh. I’m sorry…I was too busy being retarded to understand this statement.

Argument: Some studies show that due to the pain, circumcision disrupts the infant-mother bond at a dangerously early age.
Rebuttal: Oh yeah…If there’s one problem Jewish men have it’s not having a close enough relationship with their mothers. Speaking of that…mom I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy. I’ll call you right when I’m done with this column.

Argument: Cleaning your foreskin is as easy as cleaning your belly button
Rebuttal: Wait! People clean their belly buttons? Shit.

Final Comment:
So there you have it! Thanks to circumcision us Jews are depressed and anxious godless retards who hate our mothers and don’t enjoy sex…

Wait…that doesn’t sound too far off from me…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Probably Everyone Who Ever Lived Was Definitely Anti-Semetic

I was surfing the web the other day when I came across an article titled "Was Shakespeare Anti-Semetic?". Now, I did not read the article (knowing the truth about things makes it harder to make fun of them) but the truth is, I really saw no reason to read it. Why? Becuase I already knew the answer to the question. Was Shakespeare Anti-Semetic? OF COURSE SHAKESPEARE WAS ANTI-SEMETIC

How could he not be!? Almost everyone in Victorian Europe was at least a little bit! You know how even the least prejudiced person you know locks their doors when a grungy looking black man walks by their car? Well, no matter how progressive you were in the 1600's, I promise you, when a Jew strolled by you kept your wallet close.

Whether because of good ol' fashioned racism or just ignorance and lack of knowledge about Jews, Shakespeare and everyone else living at the time was anti-semetic. Is "Merchan Of Venice" an Anti-Semetic play? OH YEAH! Has this play done irrevocable harm to Jews, stereotyping us and probably leading to some beating over the last 400 years?...most definitely! But, so what? We all still read Shakespeare's plays. I've read almost all of Shakespeare's plays. He's a great talent. I respect his writing immensely and I have no problem with him being anti-Semetic, and you shouldn't either.

It's time to move away from this whole "Well, this guy 200 years ago was anti-Semetic" type of talk. Because, quite simply, EVERYONE was anti-Semetic. EVERYONE. It's not fair to judge people work based on that anymore. I'll give you an example. Here are just some of the companies that profited off Jewish Slave labor in the Nazi death camps. Kodak, IBM, Volkswagen, Hugo Boss (actually willingly joined the Nazi Party himself) Bayer, Ford, Chase Bank, Siemens...and the list goes on and on. Should we never sleep on a Siemens mattress again? Should I never take a Kodak picture of myself masturbating with an IBM computer into a Hugo Boss handkerchief while sitting in a volkswaggen making an electronic deposit into my Chase Bank account? Of course not! That would be silly! Because in 1940 EVERYONE was anti-semetic.

I'm not saying the Holocaust doesn't matter. Of course it does! And I'm not saying we shouldn't hate Anti-Semites. Hate Shakespeare. Hate the CEO of Kodak during the Holocaust! Frankly, I hope that all the people who ran these companies 70 years ago are being punished in some sort of Jewish equivalent of hell (a basketball court?), but who cares right now? Forget about those old dead anti-Semites. Let's deal with the NEW anti-Semites; those are the ones that matter. Let's accept that Shakespeare was an anti-Semite. Let's accept that Walt Disney was a rabid anti-Semite. That Mercedes produced custom engines that personally incinerated Jews in the death camps and that siemens wanted to trademark "Zyklon B", and that Hitler himself named the Volkswagen Beetle, because their current products have nothing to do with that sordid history.

It's time for us Jews to not be shocked anymore is someone is anti-Semetic. It's time for us to just assume that EVERYONE is anti-Semetic ALWAYS. In fact, I'm surprised when people AREN'T anti-Semetic. History tells us it's actually pretty normal. The weird people are the ones that like the Jews! It should not shock us anymore when Helen Thomas says anti-Semetic crap; it shouldn't surprise us when Glenlivet no longer wants to sell to Israel; it should no longer astonish us when Desmond Tutu opens his big fat mouth. Let's simply accept this inevitable truth...that everyone in the world who ever lives is probably, at least a little, definitely, absolutely anti-Semetic, and move on as a stronger, less insane people.
And if you're a non-Jew reading this blog...OH! I'm sure YOU are one of the few that aren't anti-Semetic....right.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

G-d Is St-p-d

Spent a lot of time writing this article for a website. It didn't make the cut...a little too offensive.
Thought you'd all enjoy it though.

Since I was a little (Jewish) kid, I was told that when we write the word God on a piece we must put a dash through the word. This always seemed...well...stupid. I was taught that we do that in order to not say God's name in vain, and as a sign of respect toward God. Paper gets thrown away and we don't want to throw God and his name away right!? Wrong!

My God (or our God, what is your own personal preference), the godly God of the Jews, who is not the god of other gods, doesnt have an English name. The term "god" is used for all different purposes, which I cleverly showed on the line above (that's what two years of art school education gets you!). So, the fact that we put a dash through this secular definition for the word God is just plain dumb, irritating, and yup...you guessed it...stupid. I've done a little research (mostly Wikipedia, with a bit of Askmoses.com thrown in there) and it seems to me that no one is one hundred percent sure where the word God comes from. Some say it comes from the English word for good: take out an "O" and boom! -- you've got God. The Christians like this definition because they they say God is good, they REALLY mean it. Those Christians are so clever! They must have gone to the same arts conservatory I went to!

Others believe the word God is an ancient Sanskrit writing with Hindu origins that has evolved over the ages into what we say now. But wait. WAIT! Could it be that the Hindus who pray to the creepy blue Doctor Octopus guy with the glitter on his forehead and the elephant and the magic goat who shoots out lasers out of his teeth (is that last one made up? seems plausible...) made up the word that we hold to such high standards? That's right! It's possible that the pagans made up this word we so highly esteem. The word we respect so much that we take out the O like we're on some holy game of Wheel of Fortune. Can I please just buy a vowel?

No other religion knocks the vowels out of a word for God like we do. If a suicide bombers write a final letter, he's not going to sign it "-ll-h -qbar," and I've never seen a Christian call their messiah J-s-s Ch-st. You know why? Cause it's F-ck-ng r-t-rd-d. I think if we're going to replace vowels with dashes then we need to go big or go home. We'd have to start doing it for all holy words and phrases like S-dd-r and K-pp-h and "H-ppy H--r."

At the end of the day though, it's about respect. The Jews like to constantly show their respect and devotion to God. It's why some cover their heads with Kippahs, why some wear Tzit-Tzit and why most of us pretend to like watching incredibly long and sad Holocaust movies. For me using the dash is to respect the fact that other find this word to be holy. That's why this weekend I plan on seeing "J-st-n B--b-r: Never Say Never"".

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm Back and better than nothing!

Hello loyal followers!

It has been a while, but I'm back!
It's been a long time, but my new years resolution is to get my blog back on track!

Expect a blog about every week just like the old days now!

I know, I know, you are all licking your chops, so here are some things I've done over the last few months to satiate you all until next week.

I was hired to write for a website called Gatherthejews.com, check out my first blog with them. It's a little happy and goddy and Jewy, but it's interesting.
http://www.gatherthejews.com/2011/01/take-my-word-for-it-im-a-jewish-comedian/

If your more in the mood for stupid/ mean sketches with a mean political opinion, check these out:

A sketch called "Abortion"...can you guess what it's about?



One more sketch called "Prom Date" -


I will begin posting performance dates, other blogs I write for other websites on here and my own rants and ramblings. Don't worry...this will not become a tumblr where I post quotes by people who have been dead 500 years that none of us care about and ask you what you think of me anonymously (the fun of insulting people is doing it to their face).

See you all next week!
Enjoy the sketches! See you all next wee