Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hello. Our name is humanity, and we are sex addicts

Hello. My name is David Schwartzbaum and I am a sex addict. I admit it. I like sex, no...no...I love sex. It...god this is hard...wow....Sex...it might be my favorite thing to do in the world. I could not imagine a world where sex was taken from me...ok...I promised myself I wouldn't cry. You see, ever since I was a little boy, I've had this urge...I can't explain it, but it's almost like it is a NATURAL impulse and instinct deep inside me that makes me want sex. It's bad though guys. Cause it's not just the physical act of having sex I like so much...but...but...it's thinking about it too. I think about it all the time! Whenever I see a beautiful woman my brain thinks, "sex". Whenever I go to a party, "sex". Whenever I'm having sex, "sex." I can't help it! I'm completely dependant on sex!
Wait. Wait a second? You guys are all too? You mean, all you men need sex too? Wait! You women also like sex? It decides the way you talk to people? You repress sexual feelings toward people too because of societal barriers? Oh my god! It's almost like we are animals like a rabbit or a lion or every other fucking animal on the planet, and that we are driven by the biological urge to produce future generations of ourselves!
You know...if someone needs a shot of whiskey a day to get by, most people would consider him an alcoholic, but I know plenty of men, who masturbate once a day and no one calls them a sex addict...If you knew someone who every 7 seconds thought about cocaine, you'd consider them a cocaine addict...BUT it's a known fact the men think about something sexual every few seconds...are all men sex addicts? Must be.
We, as human beings, try to suppress our addiction to sex but it seems to be a hopeless cause. We wear clothes to hide our flesh, we write books that tell us sex is "original sin", and we keep ourselves busy through work and family so we don't always think about sex. We marry one person so that we can have sex and not be judged, but none of it seems to work! Maybe we are all hopeless! Or wait! Wait! I've got a crazy idea! Maybe no one is a sex addict. Maybe we are all human beings, all part of the animal kingdom, and one of the basic proponents of life is procreation, and just maybe, MAYBE (close your ears Catholicism, islam and prude Jews) that sex is a GOOD thing. Maybe, just maybe it's the best thing (I could feel my soul burning right now). Maybe it's the thing that connects people and the thing that keeps us going! It has been proven sex is healthy for you, it gets blood pumping, hormones flowing, makes depressed people happy, is good exercise, and even feels really fucking good, and maybe it's the thing that keeps us going as a race! So, are we all sex addicts? Or are we all just human?
Ok. So we admit that we are all either sex addicts or that none of us are sex addicts. Where does that leave Tiger Woods, or David Duchovny, or Jesse James, or anyone else who is a "sex addict" and has been to Sexual rehab. I'm certainly not in the same category as them! You might call me someone who thinks about sex a lot, but Tiger bailed on his super model Swedish wife, and Jesse James bailed on Sandra Bullock, and I don't know if you saw "speed" but Sandra, still at 46, gets my engines revved past 60 whenever I see her and mmm mmm mmm...did you see her in the Blindside? With that blonde hair? I would have run an I-formation all over that ass. So, what are Tiger and the rest if they are not like the rest of us sex addicts? Simple...THEY ARE FUCKING ASS HOLES. That's it!
Sure. We're humans, we're animals we NEED sex, but we also need to not be total pricks and destroy other people's lives and our families. Maybe their wives weren't giving it to them, but then as I've said to Elliot Spitzer and others in these blogs, just jack off! It's not worth it! Jacking off is like pasta. It's not glamorous, it's not the best, but god dammit it's cheap and convenient, it'll satiate you and making it isn't going to burn your fucking house down! And Jesse James, what the hell were you thinking? That tattooed "tits mcgee" girl? Forget STD's worry about whether or not you're going to get Tetanus from all those needles! Maybe ink poisoning. His mistress has more toxic chemicals in her than faulty Chinese toys. Come on! Come on! These guys aren't sex addicts they are just stupid fucking ass holes...you know how I know? because there is no such thing as sex addiction...ZERO...NONE...because we all love sex! We all need sex! But, there is such thing as being a piece of shit...and that I cannot tolerate.
So, to all humanity out there to, all the sex addicts, fuck who you want, just don't be an ass hole about it and if you are an ass hole and you get caught...man up. Don't make up some fucking disease. Now, if you excuse me....this blog has got me thinking about Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock, in a movie starring me called "Hole in one from the Backside".

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fuck the mayans and their 2012 bullshit

WHO THE FUCK ARE THE MAYANS AND WHY THE HELL DO WE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM!? Yeah you heard me. Fuck them. Why in the shit do we care about what the Mayans think? The Mayans existed thousands of years ago, at that time they still killed babies to appease the gods, thought that bathing in blood purified you, AND lived in Mexico and yet their calendar out of all the other calendars is the correct one!
If you don't know what I'm yelling about now you aren't one of the millions of people who believe the world is ending in 2012, or one of the people who saw the masterpiece film "2012" which made over 300 million dollars and is the number one dvd purchase in America (until the classic "twilight" franchise takes over this week), I'm yelling about the whole conspiracy that the world is going to end in 2012 because the Mayan calendar runs out in 2012.
That's so weird...you mean the calendar of a civilization that hasn't updated their calendar in a thousand years cause they've been EXTINCT is running out? So weird...I always thought things just miraculously updated themselves, at least my Iphone does that. Let me give you a little sketch about how the Mayan Calendar decided to stop at 2012.

Take you back to about 50AD, the place is the yucatan. Two mayans, a stone carver and a mathemitician sit outside. (they are speaking in Zapotec, but I translated for you.)

Kee-Haw - Hey Ixx-Nap

Ixx-Nap - Yes Kee-Haw

Kee-Haw - I'm out of stone for the calendar. I've put thousands of hieroglyphs on these stones, but I'm out of stones.

Ixx-Nap - What year did you get up to? (they didn't have question marks or interrogative statements back then but I'm translating)

Kee-Haw 2012

Ixx-Nap - Oh that's fine. We'll be long gone by then and and civilization will have evolved. This calendar will be obsolete...unless you're retarded. (they did have a word for retarded though)

you see people, we don't use anything the Mayans invented. We don't use their language system, religion, math system, farming system, NOTHING. SO, WHY IN THE FUCK DO WE CARE ABOUT THEIR CALENDAR!?
Who cares about how smart these people were 2000 years ago. Just 100 years ago people were putting eggs in their hair to use as gel, only 15 years ago Tom Green was the most successful comedian in the country! Past history sucks!
Now, I know, we love apocalypse stories. It's why the scriptures are so popular, it's the ultimate 2012 story. Fire and demons and another super bowl halftime show by tom petty (scary I know).

But this is what I implore you. Forget about the dead pointless Mayans who murdered babies and virgins and built a calendar. Their calendar is as pointless as ours will most likely be in 2000 years (plus our calendar makes no fucking sense...28 days in february? Why? Fuck you leap year). Let's focus on the present. There are still some societies killing children and women in the name of god, and the Chinese still draw pictures instead of using real letters to write. WAKE UP RED CHINA THIS IS 2010 not 210!

What I'm saying is, the Mayans are a pointless, extinct culture, so fuck them and fuck their beliefs and their calendar, and if you're one of those stupid people who believe that the Mayans knew when the world was going to end then...fuck you too.