Hello. My name is David Schwartzbaum and I am a sex addict. I admit it. I like sex, no...no...I love sex. It...god this is hard...wow....Sex...it might be my favorite thing to do in the world. I could not imagine a world where sex was taken from me...ok...I promised myself I wouldn't cry. You see, ever since I was a little boy, I've had this urge...I can't explain it, but it's almost like it is a NATURAL impulse and instinct deep inside me that makes me want sex. It's bad though guys. Cause it's not just the physical act of having sex I like so much...but...but...it's thinking about it too. I think about it all the time! Whenever I see a beautiful woman my brain thinks, "sex". Whenever I go to a party, "sex". Whenever I'm having sex, "sex." I can't help it! I'm completely dependant on sex!
Wait. Wait a second? You guys are all too? You mean, all you men need sex too? Wait! You women also like sex? It decides the way you talk to people? You repress sexual feelings toward people too because of societal barriers? Oh my god! It's almost like we are animals like a rabbit or a lion or every other fucking animal on the planet, and that we are driven by the biological urge to produce future generations of ourselves!
You know...if someone needs a shot of whiskey a day to get by, most people would consider him an alcoholic, but I know plenty of men, who masturbate once a day and no one calls them a sex addict...If you knew someone who every 7 seconds thought about cocaine, you'd consider them a cocaine addict...BUT it's a known fact the men think about something sexual every few seconds...are all men sex addicts? Must be.
We, as human beings, try to suppress our addiction to sex but it seems to be a hopeless cause. We wear clothes to hide our flesh, we write books that tell us sex is "original sin", and we keep ourselves busy through work and family so we don't always think about sex. We marry one person so that we can have sex and not be judged, but none of it seems to work! Maybe we are all hopeless! Or wait! Wait! I've got a crazy idea! Maybe no one is a sex addict. Maybe we are all human beings, all part of the animal kingdom, and one of the basic proponents of life is procreation, and just maybe, MAYBE (close your ears Catholicism, islam and prude Jews) that sex is a GOOD thing. Maybe, just maybe it's the best thing (I could feel my soul burning right now). Maybe it's the thing that connects people and the thing that keeps us going! It has been proven sex is healthy for you, it gets blood pumping, hormones flowing, makes depressed people happy, is good exercise, and even feels really fucking good, and maybe it's the thing that keeps us going as a race! So, are we all sex addicts? Or are we all just human?
Ok. So we admit that we are all either sex addicts or that none of us are sex addicts. Where does that leave Tiger Woods, or David Duchovny, or Jesse James, or anyone else who is a "sex addict" and has been to Sexual rehab. I'm certainly not in the same category as them! You might call me someone who thinks about sex a lot, but Tiger bailed on his super model Swedish wife, and Jesse James bailed on Sandra Bullock, and I don't know if you saw "speed" but Sandra, still at 46, gets my engines revved past 60 whenever I see her and mmm mmm mmm...did you see her in the Blindside? With that blonde hair? I would have run an I-formation all over that ass. So, what are Tiger and the rest if they are not like the rest of us sex addicts? Simple...THEY ARE FUCKING ASS HOLES. That's it!
Sure. We're humans, we're animals we NEED sex, but we also need to not be total pricks and destroy other people's lives and our families. Maybe their wives weren't giving it to them, but then as I've said to Elliot Spitzer and others in these blogs, just jack off! It's not worth it! Jacking off is like pasta. It's not glamorous, it's not the best, but god dammit it's cheap and convenient, it'll satiate you and making it isn't going to burn your fucking house down! And Jesse James, what the hell were you thinking? That tattooed "tits mcgee" girl? Forget STD's worry about whether or not you're going to get Tetanus from all those needles! Maybe ink poisoning. His mistress has more toxic chemicals in her than faulty Chinese toys. Come on! Come on! These guys aren't sex addicts they are just stupid fucking ass holes...you know how I know? because there is no such thing as sex addiction...ZERO...NONE...because we all love sex! We all need sex! But, there is such thing as being a piece of shit...and that I cannot tolerate.
So, to all humanity out there to, all the sex addicts, fuck who you want, just don't be an ass hole about it and if you are an ass hole and you get caught...man up. Don't make up some fucking disease. Now, if you excuse me....this blog has got me thinking about Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock, in a movie starring me called "Hole in one from the Backside".