Monday, February 8, 2010

The Saints Won, so God won

The Saints win the Super Bowl! The Saints win the super bowl! 81 percent of America thought the Colts were going to win the game yesterday, but I was 100 percent sure the Saints were going to win because my bookie has been right 100 percent of the time throughout all eternity...of course I'm talking about god!
Welcome back people to one of my most popular/reoccurring blogs! God has a lot of things on his plate right now, Haiti is a mess, the global financial system is falling apart, genocides all over the place, I'm going through a bit of a dry spell, but that doesn't mean he doesn't take the time out to make sure his favorite sports/entertainment teams win! Don't believe me? Check out past blogs and see how it all fits into god's plan.
Kris Allen won so God won, The Patriots lost, so God Won, The Celtics won, so god won, and the original The Giants won, so God won
Now, that I'm done plugging previous work, let's get down to business.
It is OBVIOUS to anyone who knows god personally like I and Pat Robertson do, that God wanted the Saints to win the super bowl, and I'm going to give you three reasons why I KNEW, thorugh my very (unreal) real personal relationship with god that the Saints would come out victorious.

1. Katrina/ Evangelicals
Now, I'm not talking about the hurricane specifically. I know there's sport fans who are yelling redemption because this team lifted their spirits after the hurricane, I'm too cynical to think like that. No no no. You see, after Katrina, many evangelicals, including Pat Robertson publicly condemned New Orleans, he reminded the American people that New Orleans and Louisiana has abortion legalized, and that "Katrina is proof that judgment of America has begun". Wow, deep burn there huh? Judgement of America has begun? What has god been doing the last 300 years during the dust bowl, famine, civil war, world wars, lack of civil rights and all the other natural disasters that hit America? No judging there? Just this one? I think Pat is just getting picky. Yes, after God, in all his mighty wisdom, smashed Hurricane Katrina into Lousiana, Pat Robertson and other evangelicals such as Ted Haggard needed to show up, drop their pants and piss on the rubble. That angered god. You know, the guy has to fill a certain quota of dead people and natural disasters to keep the balance of the planet going and the short straw fell on New Orleans, it was nothing personal, just business, but many right wing christians had to make it personal, and truthfully, according to god, he was upset that the U.S. government didn't respond better and quicker to the disaster (he does like to blame the humans a lot). So, god was upset, he doesn't like when people speak in his name, third commandment, and has been trying to find a way to make up for it. God can also be a little spiteful sometimes, ask Moses, (I mean COME ON HE HIT A FUCKING ROCK LET HIM GO INTO ISRAEL DAMMIT! (Sorry god, I know you had a good reason in your infinite wisdom but...COME ON)) God likes nothing more than a good football game, I always say, you think it's just coincidence that each football team has several prayer circles each game? They know it works, and could you imagine the T.V. reception god gets in heaven? Probably closer to any of the satellites in space than we are. (He could watch it from the clouds, but he's a sucker for surround sound). So god was upset at the evangelicals for making it personal, so he made it personal, with a super bowl win during mardi-gras! Everyone is getting laid in New Orleans this week! You know how many abortions are going to happen because of the Saints super bowl win during Mardi-gras!? You know how many mistaken sexual encounters people are going to have? It's time to repopulate New Orleans baby! But, for the Evangelicals sake, make sure not to use protection, the old testament forbids wasting seed.

2. BLACK REDEMPTION!
Yes, I've always been a big supporter of the black race. They are a good people, and YES, I'm generalizing they are ALL good people, not like those dirty rotten Mayans and their bullshit calendar (it's ok to trash the Mayans because they don't exist anymore). The blacks have had it bad for hundreds of years and god knows this. Well, of course he does, he's omniscient. Africa is the largest and poorest continent, genocide all over it, they've been oppressed by North and South America, and people of color don't seem to be able to get a break. Just a few weeks ago Haiti was jacked up by an awful earthquake. Now, don't get me wrong, this super Bowl does not fix everything, God admits that, but look at the overall Motif of the last 12 months. We've got a black president, they finally made a Nelson Mandela movie, Michael Vick is playing football again, and the Saints have won the super bowl...not bad! God is helping break down racial barriers every day. What do racist white people hate more than black people? Inspired Black People. What do they hate more than inspired black people? Inspired rich black people. What do they hate more than Inspired rich black people? Inspired rich black people with influence. The New Orleans Saints, a team that is mostly African American, in a very urban state where the players make at least 500,000 dollars a year are now immortalized not only in Lousiana but also in CANTON OHIO (even the name of the city reminds me of a cracker), where a picture of their oreo cookie team will be put up right next to the 1970 all white super bowl winner Kansas City Chiefs. Names like Malcolm Jenkins and Usama young will be said in the same sentence as Jim Marshall and Derek Eller (you can guess those are the white boy names). Do you think what's in a name? I want you to look at the names of the presidents of the United States and try not to giggle when you read John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, William Clinton, George Bush and then...Barack Hussein Obama. Fantastic! And all this in one year. Billions of dollars has went to Haiti! Everyone is giving money, the philanthropy has been amazing, the entire world has stepped up to help Haiti, the Saints have won the super bowl, arguably the most powerful man in the world has Kenyan ancestry...not bad. not bad at all. And yes, you can take a moment to thank god for it all.

3. Boobies
Yes, I touched on this earlier in the blog (I've also touched boobies earlier), but everyone loves boobies. Even god. Don't believe me? You're telling me god doesn't love his creations? That's blasphemy! God could have created woman in many different ways but he chose them to have boobies but he loves boobies just like all people do, and what better way to show off his fantastic creations than having the saints win the super bowl during Mardigras. You ask anyone what is the one thing they think of when they think Mardigras, and the answer is titties. There are titties everywhere in Mardigras. Black titties, white titties, asian titties, mexican titties, painted titties, small titties and big titties. There is no Tittycism (Titty Racism) in New Orleans, they are open to all exposed breasts, and so is God. God KNEW that if the Saints win the super bowl that people would be more willing to show off thier pairs of his fantastic creations easier. Now, I know what you're thinking. God doesn't need to show off! Oh please. Remember the rainbow at the end of Noah's Ark? I've been to Alaska, it's beautiful, you don't think God took a moment and was like "this shit is awesome! They are going to be so jealous of my power!" Of course he did! And out of all his creations, what are the things that are revered by all men, many women strive to have more of this creation, TITTIES! So, excuse me if I believe my lord and savior wants to show off one of his finest products, and the best way to do it of course, it a New Orleans Super bowl win during Mardigras.

So, there you go. Three very simple, rational reasons why our lord and savior picked the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Now, I know most of you bet on the Colts because you didn't understand the nature of god, but don't feel bad, because when you're on God's team everyone wins!