Saturday, July 17, 2010

Mosques and The City

That's it people! I'm fed up with the Islamic radicals! First they create Algebra, then they take away boxing from the White Man (I'm looking at you Mohamed Ali) and now they want to build a mosque two blocks from ground zero? How dare these group of liberal fundamentalists pray freely in New York City! How dare they build a mosque only 2 blocks from ground zero? Don't they know a dozen crazy fundamentalists from their same religion crashed planes into the twin towers on ground zero? It's why it's called ground zero! It's obvious that these Muslims want to build this mosque near ground zero so they can continue their radical Islamic agenda!
So by this logic, it means that anyone who is part of a religion absolutely believes everything the most radical people in the religion believe...It's just deductive reasoning man!

For Instance, I'm Jewish. Currently there is a tiny minority of Orthodox Jews in Israel who are upset about having Sefardic people (Jews of Iranian Peninsula descent, not eastern European) in their schools. Well, since I'm Jewish, it is obvious that I agree with this bigoted sentiment. I mean come on, we can't have some greasy, smelly, mustached Greeks smelling up our wonderful Russian, full-bearded schools?
The Catholic church continues to do very little about pedophilia in the church, so it is obvious all my Catholic friends condone pedophilia (It's why they are friends with me).

So, these fundamentalists want to build, not just a mosque but a COMMUNITY CENTER, 2 blocks from the world trade Center. This makes matters much worse! This community center will be 12 stories high and have evil, offensive things such as a swimming pool, fitness center and...GASP...a basketball court! Last thing we need is Muslims infiltrating the NBA! What will they do about their burkas? The NBA has a very strict policy on head gear! There will be classrooms in the center for Islamic AND secular learning, and then in this 12 story behemoth...there will be the mosque, LOOMING 12 stories high over all of New York's tiny, minuscule skyline. Terrifying, I know.

But I think there's a point to be made here. We need to be tolerant to people's feelings, 9/11 was a tragedy it affected many people, so maybe a mosque is not the right thing so close to the towers. At the end of the day, it WAS the people of the SAME religion.

So, I want to ask the YMCA of Manhattan, which is only ten blocks from the JCC of Manhattan to please move. As a Jew, you Catholics murdered millions of my people in the 17th century and expelled them from your countries. Hitler was raised Catholic and once said, "The National Government regards Catholicism and Protestantism as factors essential to the soul of the German people." Also, my grandfather has told me horror stories, of bigotry and Christians beating Jews in New York no more than 50 years ago, I'd appreciate if you didn't build any religious institutions on those blood-stained streets too. To the dozen or so protestant churches within a one mile radius of the JCC I google mapped...bbye...It hurts too much to see your churches close to a religious site of mine when I know one of your kind was Hitler. It doesn't stop here people! To the Lutheran Church 8 blocks away, Martin Luther was a rabed Anti-Semite whose writings led to Millions of Jews dying, please move, I'm very sensitive... and to the Eastern Orthadox Church a little over a mile away...seriously? Have you guys seen Fiddler on the Roof? Get the fuck away! White people...New York was one of the centers of the civil rights movements, Tens of thousands of African Americans were beaten and killed only 40-50 years ago in the streets of New York, so us white people shouldn't be allowed to build an Applebee's anywhere in New York! I could go on and on!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "David. Come on. None of this stuff happened recently and these synagogues are not being built right next to a place where a tragedy happened", but that's the thing...A tragedy did happen there...but it is not a religious tragedy. They didn't crash the planes into the towers because everyone in the towers were Christian or Jewish or Buddhist, they did it because we were American. Because we believe in freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, and can see a woman's boobies in a wife beater by just stepping outside on a warm day. To not allow these people to build their mosque would only let the scumbags who blew up the towers win. I am an American dammit, and sure that means I'm fat, lazy, and terrible at math, but god dammit I'm going to let you preach whatever you want to preach, unless it's those fucking Unitarian Universalists...pick a side people!

Ok...enough of this opinionated/ serious to go back to the regular scheduled programming...
Lindsay Lohan's in prison! She is in prison because of alcohol and drug abuse, you might say she's there now because she was too often "Herbie: Fully Loaded", hope she doesn't run into a couple "Mean Girls" in prison or she just might be yelling "I know Who Killed me!"
Oh yes...much better.
Let them build the fucking mosque god dammit!

Monday, May 31, 2010

American Dreamsicle: The Sketch Revue Show!

If you're in the Philadelphia area, we've got a show that I'm producing/ acting/ and helped wrote.

Here's the information.

Off-Color Theatre Company presents Color-By-Numbers, its new sketch troupe's, inaugural show "American Dreamsicle".

What’s the American Dream to you? Is it having the freedom to elect a black president? Is it the freedom to own an Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, and Imac, even though the country is in a 3 trillion dollar debt? Or is it simply the freedom to enjoy two pieces of cheese and two pieces of bacon, sandwiched between two pieces of chicken? “The American Dreamsicle: A Sketch Revue Show” explores the American dream through America’s greatest resource, it’s people. From ordinary American families, to your average working pants salesman, and even to Lee Greenwood himself, this show will make you proud to be an American, or at least make you a little less upset about the whole oil spill thing. "

Andrew Tardif
David Schwartzbaum
Greg Nix
Lyndsay Hart
Nick Fragale
Sarah Cowdery

Mark Jesse Swanson

Stage Manager
Anya Anthony

What is Color-By Numbers?

Color-By-Numbers is Off-Color Theatre Company’s official sketch troupe. They perform themed sketch revues all over Philadelphia. Each performance is uniquely different, linked together through a common theme and packed with all different types of humor like satire, musical, toilet humor, and the occasional awkward glance. Sketches are changed and replaced often based on the audience’s reaction, so no show is ever the same. If you don’t enjoy Off-Color’s show, we won’t give you your money back, but we’ll be sure to apologize for wasting your time.

Come check out this show! Only ten dollars!

This show is presented by Off-Color Theatre Company, for more information, become a fan!/OffColorTheatreCompany?ref=ts
or email us at

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hello. Our name is humanity, and we are sex addicts

Hello. My name is David Schwartzbaum and I am a sex addict. I admit it. I like sex, love sex. It...god this is might be my favorite thing to do in the world. I could not imagine a world where sex was taken from me...ok...I promised myself I wouldn't cry. You see, ever since I was a little boy, I've had this urge...I can't explain it, but it's almost like it is a NATURAL impulse and instinct deep inside me that makes me want sex. It's bad though guys. Cause it's not just the physical act of having sex I like so's thinking about it too. I think about it all the time! Whenever I see a beautiful woman my brain thinks, "sex". Whenever I go to a party, "sex". Whenever I'm having sex, "sex." I can't help it! I'm completely dependant on sex!
Wait. Wait a second? You guys are all too? You mean, all you men need sex too? Wait! You women also like sex? It decides the way you talk to people? You repress sexual feelings toward people too because of societal barriers? Oh my god! It's almost like we are animals like a rabbit or a lion or every other fucking animal on the planet, and that we are driven by the biological urge to produce future generations of ourselves!
You know...if someone needs a shot of whiskey a day to get by, most people would consider him an alcoholic, but I know plenty of men, who masturbate once a day and no one calls them a sex addict...If you knew someone who every 7 seconds thought about cocaine, you'd consider them a cocaine addict...BUT it's a known fact the men think about something sexual every few seconds...are all men sex addicts? Must be.
We, as human beings, try to suppress our addiction to sex but it seems to be a hopeless cause. We wear clothes to hide our flesh, we write books that tell us sex is "original sin", and we keep ourselves busy through work and family so we don't always think about sex. We marry one person so that we can have sex and not be judged, but none of it seems to work! Maybe we are all hopeless! Or wait! Wait! I've got a crazy idea! Maybe no one is a sex addict. Maybe we are all human beings, all part of the animal kingdom, and one of the basic proponents of life is procreation, and just maybe, MAYBE (close your ears Catholicism, islam and prude Jews) that sex is a GOOD thing. Maybe, just maybe it's the best thing (I could feel my soul burning right now). Maybe it's the thing that connects people and the thing that keeps us going! It has been proven sex is healthy for you, it gets blood pumping, hormones flowing, makes depressed people happy, is good exercise, and even feels really fucking good, and maybe it's the thing that keeps us going as a race! So, are we all sex addicts? Or are we all just human?
Ok. So we admit that we are all either sex addicts or that none of us are sex addicts. Where does that leave Tiger Woods, or David Duchovny, or Jesse James, or anyone else who is a "sex addict" and has been to Sexual rehab. I'm certainly not in the same category as them! You might call me someone who thinks about sex a lot, but Tiger bailed on his super model Swedish wife, and Jesse James bailed on Sandra Bullock, and I don't know if you saw "speed" but Sandra, still at 46, gets my engines revved past 60 whenever I see her and mmm mmm mmm...did you see her in the Blindside? With that blonde hair? I would have run an I-formation all over that ass. So, what are Tiger and the rest if they are not like the rest of us sex addicts? Simple...THEY ARE FUCKING ASS HOLES. That's it!
Sure. We're humans, we're animals we NEED sex, but we also need to not be total pricks and destroy other people's lives and our families. Maybe their wives weren't giving it to them, but then as I've said to Elliot Spitzer and others in these blogs, just jack off! It's not worth it! Jacking off is like pasta. It's not glamorous, it's not the best, but god dammit it's cheap and convenient, it'll satiate you and making it isn't going to burn your fucking house down! And Jesse James, what the hell were you thinking? That tattooed "tits mcgee" girl? Forget STD's worry about whether or not you're going to get Tetanus from all those needles! Maybe ink poisoning. His mistress has more toxic chemicals in her than faulty Chinese toys. Come on! Come on! These guys aren't sex addicts they are just stupid fucking ass know how I know? because there is no such thing as sex addiction...ZERO...NONE...because we all love sex! We all need sex! But, there is such thing as being a piece of shit...and that I cannot tolerate.
So, to all humanity out there to, all the sex addicts, fuck who you want, just don't be an ass hole about it and if you are an ass hole and you get up. Don't make up some fucking disease. Now, if you excuse me....this blog has got me thinking about Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock, in a movie starring me called "Hole in one from the Backside".

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fuck the mayans and their 2012 bullshit

WHO THE FUCK ARE THE MAYANS AND WHY THE HELL DO WE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM!? Yeah you heard me. Fuck them. Why in the shit do we care about what the Mayans think? The Mayans existed thousands of years ago, at that time they still killed babies to appease the gods, thought that bathing in blood purified you, AND lived in Mexico and yet their calendar out of all the other calendars is the correct one!
If you don't know what I'm yelling about now you aren't one of the millions of people who believe the world is ending in 2012, or one of the people who saw the masterpiece film "2012" which made over 300 million dollars and is the number one dvd purchase in America (until the classic "twilight" franchise takes over this week), I'm yelling about the whole conspiracy that the world is going to end in 2012 because the Mayan calendar runs out in 2012.
That's so mean the calendar of a civilization that hasn't updated their calendar in a thousand years cause they've been EXTINCT is running out? So weird...I always thought things just miraculously updated themselves, at least my Iphone does that. Let me give you a little sketch about how the Mayan Calendar decided to stop at 2012.

Take you back to about 50AD, the place is the yucatan. Two mayans, a stone carver and a mathemitician sit outside. (they are speaking in Zapotec, but I translated for you.)

Kee-Haw - Hey Ixx-Nap

Ixx-Nap - Yes Kee-Haw

Kee-Haw - I'm out of stone for the calendar. I've put thousands of hieroglyphs on these stones, but I'm out of stones.

Ixx-Nap - What year did you get up to? (they didn't have question marks or interrogative statements back then but I'm translating)

Kee-Haw 2012

Ixx-Nap - Oh that's fine. We'll be long gone by then and and civilization will have evolved. This calendar will be obsolete...unless you're retarded. (they did have a word for retarded though)

you see people, we don't use anything the Mayans invented. We don't use their language system, religion, math system, farming system, NOTHING. SO, WHY IN THE FUCK DO WE CARE ABOUT THEIR CALENDAR!?
Who cares about how smart these people were 2000 years ago. Just 100 years ago people were putting eggs in their hair to use as gel, only 15 years ago Tom Green was the most successful comedian in the country! Past history sucks!
Now, I know, we love apocalypse stories. It's why the scriptures are so popular, it's the ultimate 2012 story. Fire and demons and another super bowl halftime show by tom petty (scary I know).

But this is what I implore you. Forget about the dead pointless Mayans who murdered babies and virgins and built a calendar. Their calendar is as pointless as ours will most likely be in 2000 years (plus our calendar makes no fucking sense...28 days in february? Why? Fuck you leap year). Let's focus on the present. There are still some societies killing children and women in the name of god, and the Chinese still draw pictures instead of using real letters to write. WAKE UP RED CHINA THIS IS 2010 not 210!

What I'm saying is, the Mayans are a pointless, extinct culture, so fuck them and fuck their beliefs and their calendar, and if you're one of those stupid people who believe that the Mayans knew when the world was going to end then...fuck you too.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Saints Won, so God won

The Saints win the Super Bowl! The Saints win the super bowl! 81 percent of America thought the Colts were going to win the game yesterday, but I was 100 percent sure the Saints were going to win because my bookie has been right 100 percent of the time throughout all eternity...of course I'm talking about god!
Welcome back people to one of my most popular/reoccurring blogs! God has a lot of things on his plate right now, Haiti is a mess, the global financial system is falling apart, genocides all over the place, I'm going through a bit of a dry spell, but that doesn't mean he doesn't take the time out to make sure his favorite sports/entertainment teams win! Don't believe me? Check out past blogs and see how it all fits into god's plan.
Kris Allen won so God won, The Patriots lost, so God Won, The Celtics won, so god won, and the original The Giants won, so God won
Now, that I'm done plugging previous work, let's get down to business.
It is OBVIOUS to anyone who knows god personally like I and Pat Robertson do, that God wanted the Saints to win the super bowl, and I'm going to give you three reasons why I KNEW, thorugh my very (unreal) real personal relationship with god that the Saints would come out victorious.

1. Katrina/ Evangelicals
Now, I'm not talking about the hurricane specifically. I know there's sport fans who are yelling redemption because this team lifted their spirits after the hurricane, I'm too cynical to think like that. No no no. You see, after Katrina, many evangelicals, including Pat Robertson publicly condemned New Orleans, he reminded the American people that New Orleans and Louisiana has abortion legalized, and that "Katrina is proof that judgment of America has begun". Wow, deep burn there huh? Judgement of America has begun? What has god been doing the last 300 years during the dust bowl, famine, civil war, world wars, lack of civil rights and all the other natural disasters that hit America? No judging there? Just this one? I think Pat is just getting picky. Yes, after God, in all his mighty wisdom, smashed Hurricane Katrina into Lousiana, Pat Robertson and other evangelicals such as Ted Haggard needed to show up, drop their pants and piss on the rubble. That angered god. You know, the guy has to fill a certain quota of dead people and natural disasters to keep the balance of the planet going and the short straw fell on New Orleans, it was nothing personal, just business, but many right wing christians had to make it personal, and truthfully, according to god, he was upset that the U.S. government didn't respond better and quicker to the disaster (he does like to blame the humans a lot). So, god was upset, he doesn't like when people speak in his name, third commandment, and has been trying to find a way to make up for it. God can also be a little spiteful sometimes, ask Moses, (I mean COME ON HE HIT A FUCKING ROCK LET HIM GO INTO ISRAEL DAMMIT! (Sorry god, I know you had a good reason in your infinite wisdom but...COME ON)) God likes nothing more than a good football game, I always say, you think it's just coincidence that each football team has several prayer circles each game? They know it works, and could you imagine the T.V. reception god gets in heaven? Probably closer to any of the satellites in space than we are. (He could watch it from the clouds, but he's a sucker for surround sound). So god was upset at the evangelicals for making it personal, so he made it personal, with a super bowl win during mardi-gras! Everyone is getting laid in New Orleans this week! You know how many abortions are going to happen because of the Saints super bowl win during Mardi-gras!? You know how many mistaken sexual encounters people are going to have? It's time to repopulate New Orleans baby! But, for the Evangelicals sake, make sure not to use protection, the old testament forbids wasting seed.

Yes, I've always been a big supporter of the black race. They are a good people, and YES, I'm generalizing they are ALL good people, not like those dirty rotten Mayans and their bullshit calendar (it's ok to trash the Mayans because they don't exist anymore). The blacks have had it bad for hundreds of years and god knows this. Well, of course he does, he's omniscient. Africa is the largest and poorest continent, genocide all over it, they've been oppressed by North and South America, and people of color don't seem to be able to get a break. Just a few weeks ago Haiti was jacked up by an awful earthquake. Now, don't get me wrong, this super Bowl does not fix everything, God admits that, but look at the overall Motif of the last 12 months. We've got a black president, they finally made a Nelson Mandela movie, Michael Vick is playing football again, and the Saints have won the super bowl...not bad! God is helping break down racial barriers every day. What do racist white people hate more than black people? Inspired Black People. What do they hate more than inspired black people? Inspired rich black people. What do they hate more than Inspired rich black people? Inspired rich black people with influence. The New Orleans Saints, a team that is mostly African American, in a very urban state where the players make at least 500,000 dollars a year are now immortalized not only in Lousiana but also in CANTON OHIO (even the name of the city reminds me of a cracker), where a picture of their oreo cookie team will be put up right next to the 1970 all white super bowl winner Kansas City Chiefs. Names like Malcolm Jenkins and Usama young will be said in the same sentence as Jim Marshall and Derek Eller (you can guess those are the white boy names). Do you think what's in a name? I want you to look at the names of the presidents of the United States and try not to giggle when you read John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, William Clinton, George Bush and then...Barack Hussein Obama. Fantastic! And all this in one year. Billions of dollars has went to Haiti! Everyone is giving money, the philanthropy has been amazing, the entire world has stepped up to help Haiti, the Saints have won the super bowl, arguably the most powerful man in the world has Kenyan ancestry...not bad. not bad at all. And yes, you can take a moment to thank god for it all.

3. Boobies
Yes, I touched on this earlier in the blog (I've also touched boobies earlier), but everyone loves boobies. Even god. Don't believe me? You're telling me god doesn't love his creations? That's blasphemy! God could have created woman in many different ways but he chose them to have boobies but he loves boobies just like all people do, and what better way to show off his fantastic creations than having the saints win the super bowl during Mardigras. You ask anyone what is the one thing they think of when they think Mardigras, and the answer is titties. There are titties everywhere in Mardigras. Black titties, white titties, asian titties, mexican titties, painted titties, small titties and big titties. There is no Tittycism (Titty Racism) in New Orleans, they are open to all exposed breasts, and so is God. God KNEW that if the Saints win the super bowl that people would be more willing to show off thier pairs of his fantastic creations easier. Now, I know what you're thinking. God doesn't need to show off! Oh please. Remember the rainbow at the end of Noah's Ark? I've been to Alaska, it's beautiful, you don't think God took a moment and was like "this shit is awesome! They are going to be so jealous of my power!" Of course he did! And out of all his creations, what are the things that are revered by all men, many women strive to have more of this creation, TITTIES! So, excuse me if I believe my lord and savior wants to show off one of his finest products, and the best way to do it of course, it a New Orleans Super bowl win during Mardigras.

So, there you go. Three very simple, rational reasons why our lord and savior picked the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Now, I know most of you bet on the Colts because you didn't understand the nature of god, but don't feel bad, because when you're on God's team everyone wins!