Some disturbing news has been reported this week and I'm glad to be back and report it to you all. First, This week Tufts university has announced that it is not allowing students to have sex if their roommate is in the room. This is a disgrace, this is awful...I mean, college is all about experiences and there is no experience that puts hair on your chest more than laying in your bed quietly masturbating to your roommate having sex with that chick from playwriting class. I mean it takes real skill to masturbate quietly! Masturbation and sex are like racquetball, it's supposed to be loud! If it's quiet you're not playing it right, and it's usually best to be wearing goggles during it...just in case (this is all from personal experience). But seriously, I mean...don't we believe that our college students can handle this stuff themselves? I have friends who would leave a tie on their door, sometimes a sock as a symbol to their roommates if they were getting laid. I was a little more blunt with my sex symbols, I used to make mad libs up for the roomys. Just fill in your name, the ladies name and sign at the bottom with a time when we can come back in. This is the 21st century! Text your roommate! "Hey. I'm about to get a blowjob, don't come home for the next 20 minutes...ok ok...10 minutes...well I need a couple minutes to clean up!" (that's a gross joke) It's that easy!
Tufts also doesn't address group sex. I mean, group sex is a large part of the college experience, what if your roommate is involved with you in the orgy in your dorm...you were both present during sex...is that against Tufts rules? What about gay sex? If you're fucking your roommate, then you're there when he is having sex. That would be a great way to get back at a scorned lover!
But, at the end of the day, I have to say...who the fuck wants to be in the room while someone else is having sex? Like, I would not want ANYONE to have to watch me have sex. Watching me have sex is like trying to watch a midget get into a hummer, there's puffing, huffing, jumping, lunging, wheezing, and sweating, and even if he gets in and can turn the ignition, the car is gonna run out of gas real quick.
Speaking of comedians getting laid, how about my boy David Letterman? You know for someone so grumpy and sad as Letterman, he sure seems to be getting his rocks off a lot. I gotta say, I'm a cynical, mean, sarcastic guy, but I bet you I'd be a little less if I was having constant sex with women who thought I was the funniest, most talented guy they knew (It's called a god complex). Speaking of god, he sucks...moving on. Some people are defending letterman, they say he wasn't married so it wasn't as bad as if he was...but here's the thing...He's been dating the same woman for 25 years! I mean, it's the same fucking thing as marriage! It's probably holier than marriage seeing as half of marriages fail. I think it's ridiculous to hold marriage up to such a high standard, don't get me wrong marriage is great, but if two people love eachother (and they aren't gay or interracial) then isn't it enough to love the person and not fuck your 25 year old intern? Isn't it really the same thing...but at the end of the day as the philosopher beyonce said "If you like it...then you better put a ring on it."
I go back and forth on the letterman thing, as a moral person I go...come on Letterman, what about your spouse? But as a fellow man and comedian, I'm going ohhhh yeeesss. I mean, David Letterman is gross and he's getting laid! MAD PROPS! But I'll tell you this...I'd never want to see letterman get laid...I don't want to see anyone with a heart condition have sex, it'd be like watching a horror movie, you're just on the edge of your seat waiting to see if he dies. You ever think when Letterman is done performing he just lets slip "And now stay tuned for Craig Ferguson?"
I'll conclude with this idea. We've turned sex into a competition in this country. Everyone is always talking about who is getting laid, how many times, how long did he last, did he get the girl off, where they did it, how they did it, and how awake was she? (the answer to that last one is just enough) But we need to remember what sex is really about. It's about betraying god, disgracing your family, hurting the the ones you love, using it as a way to boost your shattered, warped self esteem, and making others uncomfortable...(betraying god is the one that gets me off) at least that's what I've learned from all the tv I've ever watched. Maybe that's why Tufts banned sex with the roommate in the room...your remember that feeling you got when you pictured Letterman getting laid? That nauseating feeling in your throat....now imagine if that was happening right next to you in a 8X10 foot dorm room....I'd transfer like I have already...over to Conan O Brien.