Monday, July 13, 2009

DEATH! Now that I've got your attention

Wow...there has been so much death around us lately. Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, Sarah Palin's political career...that it makes you think about your own mortalitiy doesn't it? I mean, the scary thing is we are all going to die and even scarier is we don't know what happens after death...could it really just be eternal darkness? Is that what comes after life? That Blows!
Time to go through the options of the afterlife and talk about matter what you believe about after-death or no matter what actually happens...all the options blow.

1. Hell

HELL! AHHH! The scariest place not on Earth! The place you will work and burn in eternal hellfire if you are bad..scary! Hell sounds like it sucks (biggest understatement EVER)...if you are go to hell. But, like...there's GOT to be different levels of hell right? Like...ok...what if there's a gay guy who is a wonderful Catholic, but just fucks guys! Everything else in his life he is a perfect catholic but he fucks guys...he doesn't go to the same hell as baby rapers right? Cause much as pat robertson hated gays, he couldn't have hated them more than baby rapers right? These are the little details we need to talk about...that no one seems to talk about with Hell. I have no interest in accepting Christ in my lifetime, and if the Catholics are right that means I go to hell for it...ok...but you're really not going to put me in the same place as murderers are you? I mean, COME ON! That's not justice! AND if you are going to put me in that same place...then why don't I just go murder and rape? I'm going to wind up in the same place anyway right? If I am a good person but don't accept christ...go to hell...if I rape and murder 14 year olds...go to why not just rape and murder? It's more fun anyway?
Just an we go make a rape children club now in the name of Christ?

2. Purgatory.

Some Christians believe that if you don't accept Christ but are a good person you spend your whole eternity in Purgatory, which is just like a waiting room basically. This sounds like THE WORST option, cause like...if I'm in hell...I'm working you know? Time goes by when I'm working, I'm picking up molten rocks, and buliding volcanos or whatever...but I'd go nuts just sitting in a white room for all eternity. I mean, how many times in an eternity can you play with yourself?...and that's probably the reason I got there in the first place. No no no. I'd rather be a slave for all eternity than just sit around.
So, purgatory BLOWS!

3. Heaven

Is it just me or does Heaven sound like more work than hell? Most religions believe that you have some sort of rekindling with your relatives in heaven like immediately...oh yeah...that's not awkward...You know how it's weird to see your great aunt Lillith every three years at the family reunion, she asks you all those awkward questions you don't want to answer...? Imagine that...times an ETERNITY! You go up to heaven, there's your great grandmother who died when you were three, she knows EVERYTHING about you, from when you lost your first tooth to the women you fantasized about when having sex with your wife. She starts asking you questions "how are you?" "how have you been?"
"Well, I just had a heart attack and am dead so..."
And can you imagine if your wife is dead? How awkward is that? Death is like the ultimate break-up...all of the sudden you're reconnected in the after life? That's got to be some awkward catching up time. Yeah...I got to tell sounds like too much work for me and just sooo awkward...Heaven sounds like a bad episode of the office.
Also, all the depictions of heaven is like harp music...but I don't really like the Harp...I find it quite annoying..if there's harp music up in heaven I'm going to have to pass...I'm also afraid of heights...not sure how cool I am with the whole clouds thing either...YEAH...heaven doesn't really work for me...

Out of these three...I honestly thing I'd rather see myself burning in hell...Work makes time move...and I just don't need to feel uncomfortable for all eternity!

4. of course...there is the fourth option...NOTHING. You die and you're unconscious and us humans are nothing special and there is no higher power. If that's the case...there's no point in contemplating it because I'll be dead and unconcious and so unconcious that I just won't be giving a shit!
But, it sucks...cause I'm no longer concious...and there's something reassuring and harmonious about the idea of a spirit living on...whether its bullshit or not.

5. Reincarnation...
I HATE this I like it better than purgatory cause BORING, but I don't want to do this life all over again, and I surely don't want to be a Hindu and redo it as like a ladybug or something...fuck that. If I get reincarnated as a ladybug I'm jumping off a bench or something and killing myself and trying again. Doing this life once is enough for me. I've had enough insecurities, betrayals, sadness, and happiness for an eternity...I got no interest in doing another round. By the time I get to the end of my life I'm hoping I'll be one shot away from throwing up...if I get reincarnated...I will hav taken that next shot, and now am sick as a dog. It's like people who want to go parachuting ONCE but never wanna do it again? That's life...I got the experience, I'm over it..onto other things.

Here's my whole life on this planet I'm judged. Judged by friends, family lovers, etc. and if there is a higher power, my whole life is being judged by him! Why can't it be...that when I die...I don't have to be judged anymore? All the options religion leaves me with is being judged! All the options sound like work whether it be emotional or physical...We spend our whole lives working, working working. Working for ourselves our kids our lovers our friends...I don't want to fucking work after I die! I don't want to work for the devil, I don't want to work for god...and I don't want to sit in a white room with my thumb up my ass...Here's what I want...I want a good this is my plea to god...God...if you are up there...I don't want to immediately go to heaven...let me sleep for a couple thousand years first...let me enjoy my time off...because if life is work and the after-life is work...I better get some kind of retirement in the middle.

So, what am I trying to say here? No matter what you believe in, you're screwed. Whether it's heaven, hell, purgatory, nothing, reincarnation...all the options suck, so enjoy your time here. As limp bizkit brilliantly once said, "One day you'll see things My Way, cause you never know, no, you never know...when you're gonna go."

I am not here to explain my own belief, all I hope is that no matter what happens to me after I die..I get a little time to rest beforehand. If there is some great adventure after death...I'd love to experience it with Billy Mays...but let me get some nice eternal shut-eye first...and if there isn't eh fuck can all mourn...I'll be fucking SLEEEEPPIIINNNGGGG.


Have you noticed that we tell all people to "Rest in Peace"? Why is that? Like it's the last thing we say to murderers before we use the death penalty. Don't we kill them for justice? Why would we want them to rest in peace? Isn't that the opposite of hell? If you are christian or believe in hell why would you ever tell a bad person to rest in peace...hell doesn't sound like peace.....right?
We need something to say to bad people that's not rest in peace, cause like those people...I don't want their rest to be peaceful, I want them to be woken up by alarms, and get itchy, and have the sun wake them up..right before they fall asleep the dog should lick their face...they should have bad dreams...why should they have a peaceful rest?
Also, maybe I don't want to rest in peace..maybe I want to rest in anger, or just loudly. Maybe I want to yell while I'm resting. Why do you have to be so forceful? in peace. How about, rest in peace...if you want.
I can't sleep under pressure, so I sure as shit can't rest peacefully for eternity with you telling me to rest in peace!

Michael Jackson we'll miss you.
You are like an oreo.
Black or white, both parts of you were delicious.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Off-Color Theatre Company/ Fundraising letter

Though usually this blog is just about my attempts at comedy, today I have some exciting news.
As you all know, if you read this blog, I dropped out of school last semester to pursue comedy...and my first step toward achieving success is officially underway.
I have started a theatre company...The Off-Color Theatre company here, where I live, Philadelphia. It is a theatre company that performs different, quirky, audience engaged comedy in the city. It's all about making people laugh. Our website is up and it's
Check the website out, I wrote all of the content for it.
Our first show is called "Bailout! The Live Action Sitcom" I am the head writer of the project and an actor in it and can tell you it's very funny. If you like what I do on this website, you'll like the show, if you don't like what I do on this site...three other writers helped me write it, so you'll like it anyway.
Under me is the fundraising letter we sent out to everyone we knew.
Read it...if you are in Philadelphia, make sure to come see the show and buy tickets (they will be available in a couple weeks) if you have any money to spare and want to help out a comedian who is trying to bring good comedy to the world...go to the website and donate via paypal or check.
My hope is to be doing this for a long time...
Anyway, here is the fundraising letter, and I promise after that we'll be back to my stupid, angry jokes.
Thanks guys,
David Schwartzbaum

Dear Friends,

Let’s face it; the world is going down the toilet. The economy has hit rock bottom, the job market is tanking, there is turmoil in the Middle East (but when was there not?) and the worst travesty, by far: Starbucks is no longer making decaf coffee after 12 noon. As you’re reading this, you might be saying to yourself, “Yes David, that is true, but what can I do? How can I stop American culture from spiraling into oblivion?”!
There is a solution! In difficult times you’ve got to laugh. When there are troubles, hardships, or just annoyances in our lives, we must turn to humor. The only true way to raise the human spirit is to make each other laugh. The Off-Color Theatre Company has been founded on this principal and we are asking for your support.

The Off-Color Theatre Company is dedicated to:

Providing opportunities to young and talented artists to learn and explore the evolution of comedy in the Philadelphia area.

Engaging the audience in theatre,making them part of the comedy experience from inception to performance

Educating and entertain through the exploration of theatre that is progressive and unique using all different mediums of comedy.

Our crew has already played to a few packed houses and proved that our lofty goals can be achieved. Now we need your help to bring comedy and laughter—in all its forms—to everyone in the Philadelphia area.

Come be part of a new and revolutionary theatre company as an official Savior Of Comedy. We understand it’s a tough time to give money. Any contributions, large or small, can make a big difference and we will warmly welcome you into the Off Color Theatre family. Plus, to thank you for your generosity, Saviors Of Comedy benefactors will be featured in our programs as well as special offers on tickets (or not if you’d like to remain anonymous).

We have set up a PayPal account where you can easily and safely give money to the cause. Simply click here to donate now at our website! On the website you'll find information about our first show and the upcoming season, links to donate using paypal, suggested donation amounts, and hopefully some material that will make you giggle.

If you would like to send a check, make it out to Off Color Comedy Theatre c/o and mail it to:

Off-Color Theatre Company
PO BOX 22553
Philadelphia, PA 19110

Feel free to contact us at with any questions, clever puns or catch up on old times.


David Schwartzbaum
Mark Jesse Swanson