Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Kris Allen won, so god won.

Wow...the 93rd season of American Idol is over...and the world has been set on fire by the announcement that Kris Allen has "upset" Adam Lambert. But, anyone who knows god (like I do) and who talks to him on a one on one basis (like I pretend I do) knew Kris Allen was going to win from the start. First off, we should set the record straight, god doesn't like popularity contests in general, I mean, that's why he invented Catholicism...wasn't enough reasons to hate him until Jesus showed up. But, when he saw this one he had to intervene. What people don't realize is God decides everything from the tiny unimportant things like our foreign policy decisions, to the important ones like nba champions and who wins the Best in Show dog tournaments. So, just like how god rewarded the saintly New York Giants with the Super bowl two years ago, and the celtics last year with the championships (read previous blogs) this year, he let Kris Allen defeat Adam Lambert. Three reasons why I KNEW god wouldn't let Adam Lambert Win:
1. Kris Allen is a married heterosexual. Adam Lambert is gay. I mean, this is simple guys. The bible states that homosexuality is an abomination...so a gay person winning American Idol would be...an ABOMONATION! That's right...you got it. God can't let that happen, not under his watch...and we've seen it before! Clay Aiken...runner up..God doesn't hate gays...he just feels like they should always be the straight guy's animated, lively, fun sidekick like Tails with Sonic or Lance Bass to Justin Timberlake. The bible says we were all created in god's image...then god must be a lot of different colors and like a lot of different things in a lot of different holes if that's the case.

2. Kris allen was born in Arkansas. You can't get more American then Arkansas, I mean Arkansas has 3 A's in it, and America starts with the letter A...that's already a sign. Plus, if you pronounce arkansas, the way it's spelled you say ARK-N-SAUCE, and that sounds like a delicious treat. Ark-N-Sauce...hmm sounds like something Noah might have taken on the ark with him? Where was the butt loving Adam Lambert born? Satan Diego California, a hop, skip and a buttfuck away to Satan Francisco, California. Allen was a little boy from Arkansas, versus some gay guy from California...and just as Schwarzzeneger has learned recentlly...there's no winning in California.

3. Look at the Jobs they had before Idol...Lambert performed with the Zodiac group...a group of artists put together by none other than the idol worshipping Pussycat dolls. Yes...the same ones who asked if we could "loosen up their buttons". The answer is no pussycats, I can't loosen up your buttons, but I'd be more than happy to tighten your chastity belts for you...it's god's way. These singers from hell, were obviously trying to use Lambert to brainwash you...while what did Kris Allen do before Idol? Well, first he was a worship leader at a church in Arkansas, and then he went travelling to Morocco, Burma, South Africa, and more spreading the name of god all over the world...wow...that Kris Allen sure knows how to kiss god's ass.

It's simple...we have two guys.
A married, heterosexual chiselled looking man from Arkansas (the bible belt) who enjoys prayer and converting other people to his beliefs
and then we had
A homosexual rocker with piercings, dyed hair, and a cocky attitude (im getting hot just thinking about it) from Satan country of California...
this is an easy one guys...
the winner is Allen

FINAL WORD:
Some of you might still be upset...but don't be..Kris Allen winning is all part of god's plan. Just like when you miscarried, or when a close friend dies, or when you're 6 and your hamster you put in the microwave dies...it was all part of god's master plan...I hope we can learn something from all of this...first that we should not idolize anyone, especially human beings with special talents, that's why churches everywhere have beautiful gold idols (sorry i mean statues) of Jesus and Mary in them...American IDOL!? Unacceptable..remember the 3rd and fourth commandments! (but forget the ones about the Sabbath, it doesn't apply anymore right Pope Benedict?) and two...if you're going to be trying to win a popularity contest in the USA...it helps not to be gay...because sadly, All of the USA is not Massachusetts....and cause god likes the pussy...just ask Mary.

Good luck Kris Allen! I will be not following your career, and certainly couldn't give a shit when your album comes out....the only cd I own is the bible on tape...narrated by Morgan Freeman's born again brother (the voice isn't the same, but the soul is as potent as the Mana from the desert.)

Goodnight you guys.
And GOD BLESS AMERICA!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is clear that you are angry and bitter towards God and you do not know or have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I hope you will find Him and that you will then discover His unconditional love, unmerited favour and wonderful blessing for your life. I'm telling you He is the Joy of my Salvation, my Brightest Morning Star, my Bread of Life, my Rigeousness, My Safe Place Hiding Place, my Prince of Peace, my Redeemer and Deliverer, my Light in Darkness, my closest Friend and Lover of my soul. He can be the same to you, dont fight it. Just accept it and rest in His peace and love for you.

Anonymous said...

Bro, you are out of your mind. If you call yourself Christian, you would also have a humble confidence not to post this kind of outrageous crap. I can guarantee you've never traveled extensively, your education is pretty bare, you judge people (contrary to biblical teachings), you are a hypocrite, and you definitely don't want your kids to be like you. Let's get real here.

It's very easy to play the God card, but if ever did something on your own merits (and don't say that God gives us everything and that it's not up to you) or really earned something through practice and dedication (parenting doesn't count), you would know where God stands. He created free will for us to use it. Let people discover on their own...they don't need a person like you or Kris to convert them. if God wills it, it will happen, right?

Finally, have you ever seen athletes on both teams pray before a game? Isn't it funny that somebody has to lose? You think God judges who has more prayer points? Brother, keep your religion to yourself and be humble as the teachings tell us.

Anonymous said...

David, you're awesome. The first comment is the insane shit that people really think and are saying all over these blogs. You need to be saved! I love it. Keep on mocking these dildos. They don't even realize it.

Anonymous said...

Dearest David.

Jesus loves you very much.

David Schwartzbaum said...

Thank you second anonymous person.
I'm not here to bash god, just talk about the hypocrisies of people.
I got nothing against god...he's alright I guess...it's the shit we do in his name.
But, you're probably right...I do need to be saved.
I don't want to just bash people who believe in god. I find Agnostics to be just as annoying with their preachiness and hate toward believers...we get it, you think theres no proof! Fantastic! While you argue I'm going to go make a sandwich

Anonymous said...

David the meaning of your name is "Beloved One"

David Schwartzbaum said...

hahahaha. Thanks previous poster.
thanks.
my full name doesn't make as much sense as that though.
David Benjamin Schwartzbaum..
Beloved one son of Blacktree.
Though I do think if you kind of shorten it
"Beloved Son Of Black Tree" you can see a movie Title similar to "Dances With Wolves"...accept not with Kevin Costner...maybe Kevin Kline? ooooo. Love me a little Kevin Kline

Anonymous said...

Your not completely wrong but your definetely an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Lo David. Benjamin means "Son of my Right Hand" So in full your name is "Beloved One Son of my Right Hand Black Tree".
Schwartzbaum is it German?

Anonymous said...

David. Sorry I left son of Black Tree out.So in full your name is Beloved One, Son of My Right Hand Son of Black Tree is your full name. Did you know Jesus is mentioned twice in the meaning of your names? He is God beloved Son and also seated at the right hand of God in heaven. As for black tree Jesus carried your sins which is black on the cross which is a tree. Wow, thats a beautiful name to have!