Wow...the 93rd season of American Idol is over...and the world has been set on fire by the announcement that Kris Allen has "upset" Adam Lambert. But, anyone who knows god (like I do) and who talks to him on a one on one basis (like I pretend I do) knew Kris Allen was going to win from the start. First off, we should set the record straight, god doesn't like popularity contests in general, I mean, that's why he invented Catholicism...wasn't enough reasons to hate him until Jesus showed up. But, when he saw this one he had to intervene. What people don't realize is God decides everything from the tiny unimportant things like our foreign policy decisions, to the important ones like nba champions and who wins the Best in Show dog tournaments. So, just like how god rewarded the saintly New York Giants with the Super bowl two years ago, and the celtics last year with the championships (read previous blogs) this year, he let Kris Allen defeat Adam Lambert. Three reasons why I KNEW god wouldn't let Adam Lambert Win:
1. Kris Allen is a married heterosexual. Adam Lambert is gay. I mean, this is simple guys. The bible states that homosexuality is an abomination...so a gay person winning American Idol would be...an ABOMONATION! That's right...you got it. God can't let that happen, not under his watch...and we've seen it before! Clay Aiken...runner up..God doesn't hate gays...he just feels like they should always be the straight guy's animated, lively, fun sidekick like Tails with Sonic or Lance Bass to Justin Timberlake. The bible says we were all created in god's image...then god must be a lot of different colors and like a lot of different things in a lot of different holes if that's the case.
2. Kris allen was born in Arkansas. You can't get more American then Arkansas, I mean Arkansas has 3 A's in it, and America starts with the letter A...that's already a sign. Plus, if you pronounce arkansas, the way it's spelled you say ARK-N-SAUCE, and that sounds like a delicious treat. Ark-N-Sauce...hmm sounds like something Noah might have taken on the ark with him? Where was the butt loving Adam Lambert born? Satan Diego California, a hop, skip and a buttfuck away to Satan Francisco, California. Allen was a little boy from Arkansas, versus some gay guy from California...and just as Schwarzzeneger has learned recentlly...there's no winning in California.
3. Look at the Jobs they had before Idol...Lambert performed with the Zodiac group...a group of artists put together by none other than the idol worshipping Pussycat dolls. Yes...the same ones who asked if we could "loosen up their buttons". The answer is no pussycats, I can't loosen up your buttons, but I'd be more than happy to tighten your chastity belts for you...it's god's way. These singers from hell, were obviously trying to use Lambert to brainwash you...while what did Kris Allen do before Idol? Well, first he was a worship leader at a church in Arkansas, and then he went travelling to Morocco, Burma, South Africa, and more spreading the name of god all over the world...wow...that Kris Allen sure knows how to kiss god's ass.
It's simple...we have two guys.
A married, heterosexual chiselled looking man from Arkansas (the bible belt) who enjoys prayer and converting other people to his beliefs
and then we had
A homosexual rocker with piercings, dyed hair, and a cocky attitude (im getting hot just thinking about it) from Satan country of California...
this is an easy one guys...
the winner is Allen
Some of you might still be upset...but don't be..Kris Allen winning is all part of god's plan. Just like when you miscarried, or when a close friend dies, or when you're 6 and your hamster you put in the microwave dies...it was all part of god's master plan...I hope we can learn something from all of this...first that we should not idolize anyone, especially human beings with special talents, that's why churches everywhere have beautiful gold idols (sorry i mean statues) of Jesus and Mary in them...American IDOL!? Unacceptable..remember the 3rd and fourth commandments! (but forget the ones about the Sabbath, it doesn't apply anymore right Pope Benedict?) and two...if you're going to be trying to win a popularity contest in the USA...it helps not to be gay...because sadly, All of the USA is not Massachusetts....and cause god likes the pussy...just ask Mary.
Good luck Kris Allen! I will be not following your career, and certainly couldn't give a shit when your album comes out....the only cd I own is the bible on tape...narrated by Morgan Freeman's born again brother (the voice isn't the same, but the soul is as potent as the Mana from the desert.)
Goodnight you guys.
And GOD BLESS AMERICA!