Friday, March 20, 2009

(Brazilian) Waxing Poetic

So, there is bad news everywhere right now. Unemployment is sky high, the recession is bad, our president made fun of retarded people on the tonight show last night...nothing is going right...BUT the worst news of them all. The most terrible current news is that...New Jersey plans on banning the Brazilian wax. THE BRAZILIAN WAX! The only good thing to ever come out of south America, either than the Arepa. This is awful! Without the brazilian wax I won't be able to have the pleasure of fucking a 20 year old girl while her vagina looks like a pre-pubescent 11 year old girl's. We're going crazy in this country! We need to get our priorities straight. Now, for those who don't know the issue, the reason they are banning the brazilian wax is because sometimes, the waxing can lead to ingrown hairs and pain in the genitals. So, let me get this straight. A state is going to ban a cosmetic procedure because of some pussyburn? We have people die on operating tables fixing the bags under their eyes so instead of looking like normal 65 year olds they can look like 65 year olds with a face ironed onto their skull, but GOD FORBID we let ingrown hairs and some discomfort occur to our genitals (unless you like that sort of thing ;). What's next? Do we ban cock rings and whips? Let me just say, the day we ban cock rings is the day I move to Canada...or the holy land...where cock rings are legal as god intended them to be!
Now, on a personal note (since I feel so close to you all) I'm not a fan of the brazilian wax. I feel like a vagina needs to have a little hair, whether it's a little triangle, or a landing strip, or a forest...Just because...I don't like having sex with 9 year olds (unless they have great boobies). So, if there is any doubt that this woman I'm making out with is not a girl but not yet a woman...I can pull down the pants and go...alright ready for take off. I also really like the landing strip because it helps me aim, it says land down here please, and you ladies know how bad we men are with aiming, just look at your toilet seats. I think the landing strip wax should come with the wax (of course) and two tiny men with orange lights waving me in...then, I would have no issue ever with finding the right hole.
The brazilian wax just freaks me out a little bit I guess...that's all. Like, I guess I kind of use the hair as a safety blanket. It just fits in with the ratio and proportions of everything else. THAT'S where the hair is, so THAT'S the pee hole...etc...etc. A brazilian wax is too much for me because the whole vagina is out there to see. It's just BAM! in your face, staring back at you with it's one sensitive eye. It's like looking into the eyes of a bear...it's beautiful, its majestic, but you don't know if it's going to charge at you and maul you to death or roll over and share its honey with you (it's usually the first one). The vagina is intense ladies...I've gotten lost in a vagina's eyes before, and sometimes have never been able to recover.
I guess it comes down to our civil liberties. If someone wants to put warm wax on their vagina and rip tiny hairs off...god bless you. I'll be over two days later when the swelling is down to rub my nose in it (gross right?). I mean, people stick needles into their clits to put medal rings there...that seems a little crazier than some wax on your kooch. If people want discomfort they are more than welcome to have it for personal reasons. It's our civil liberties, like voting and abortions... cause let's be honest, all babies really are is vaginal discomfort.
Finally, this would also ban brazilian waxes for men. That means, there are actually men on this planet who put wax on their balls and rip...OUCH! As Austin Powers once said completely out of context to this, "You don't kick a man in the pills...it's just not cricket, no matter how evil (or gay) he is." Getting rid of Brazilian waxes would be the ULTIMATE kick in the pills (Literally and Figuratively).
Don't do it New Jersey...everybody already hates you enough. You're like the tan lines on the beautifully formed body of the U.S.A.! Don't make yourselves the hairy Bush of America too!
Even Bruce Springsteen wouldn't be in love with a Jersey Girl anymore if this law was passed.
Look. I know times are tough...and we look for answers in crazy places to make us feel like we're in control, like vagina waxings and Churches, but Let's all remember who the real victims of something like this would be...the children. Because they would be growing up in a world where they wouldn't be able to have sex with a 25 year old woman with an 11 year old's vagina...and isn't that the American dream? Eternal youth? The ability to imagine how delicious underage Miley Cyrus would be. The old Olsen Twins fetishes. Britney Spears in her schoolgirl outfit at 16. THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM! Young pussy! And the closest we can get to that (without being arrested) is the brazilian wax.
I remind you what it says on our statue of Liberty New Jersey:
Give us your tired, your poor, your weak, your huddled hairy vaginas. WE TAKE ALL VAGINAS IN THIS COUNTRY FROM THE HAIRIEST TO THE BAREST!
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the hairiest one of all? New Jersey of course my dear.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
USA USA USA (and brazil) USA USA USA


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Abstinence doesn't work...let's fuck!

It's official. Hold your breath...sit down...hide the kids...the seemingly impossible has happened...Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin...have broken up. These two abstinent kids who had a child together and then were forced to pretend to be happy and in love for their mother's vice presidential campaign have ended their pure, godly relationship. It's one of those situations, where you think to yourself, "if they can't do it...who can?" With divorce at all-time highs...you look at this Modern Romeo and Juliet couple and you just sigh. What did it? What made them break up? Lose their love? Was it money? Was one unfaithful? Or are they 18 and 19 year old kids with a baby...?

According to the latest statistics, teaching abstinence doesn't work...at all. Actually, most studies say it has the opposite affect, that it makes kids want to fuck more. And why wouldn't it? When I was a teenager, if my mom told me to take out the garbage I wouldn't do it, let alone fuck. If all my teachers and family are saying don't fuck someone, don't fuck someone, I'm going to fuck out of spite! Then, realize how fantastic it is and keep fucking...of course without a condom or birth control because I never learned about those things from my teachers or parents im fucking by fucking.
We are dealing with teenagers! Use reverse psychology. Tell them to have lots of sex! Tell them it doesn't matter whether it's a male or a female or beast...I know that may be hard for the 52 percent who voted against Prop 8 in California, but give it a shot...Tell your teenage son he can fuck guys...I promise he'll try it out and go..."eh." Or, he'll like it and he'll be gay. At least he won't be a fucking depressive. And if you know what's best for him, send him to one of those camps. Those camps where their concentration is on making sure "confused" boys realize they are straight not gay. They help the boys concentrate on women, and marriage...I think they are called concentration camps.

Look. I'm not a proponent for sex-ed. Sex-ed fucked me over... I would've gotten laid much more if it wasn't for sex-ed. It educated me. It taught me about STDs and conception. That shit FREAKED ME OUT. It made me RESPONSIBLE for my actions. It made me realize that it was my job to keep my dick from falling off...not god's or mom's or anyone's. It was AWFUL. I didn't want any secretion coming from my cock. It's made me paranoid about sex all together...so I had less of it, and when I did have it...I used protection! Do you know how much better sex is without a condom! It's like eating Ice cream from a cone instead of a cup. It's like sour cream in your burrito...It's like Jumping off a plane, your first parachute not working, but then your spare kicks in and OHHHH YEAAAHHH.. Sweet...sweet landing. BUT we use them anyway...we use condoms for protection.
First of all, you better BELIEVE I use a condom, and the thicker the better...(this is where the sex-ed paranoia kicks in) I'm talking about, if i could encase marble around my cock I would... If I could use like, the force energy shields from star wars around my cock I would...and the possibility of having a BABY? All my guys have to do is swim to an egg? HELL NO. I WISH I was taught abstinence. You know how much more I'd be getting laid? It'd be Hakuna Matata man, no worries! You look cute...do you have an open vagina?..yes? ALRIGHT LET'S FUCK!
I mean, wasn't that the conversation between levi and bristol...uninhibited baby! Let's go crazy, you throw away your pills, I'll throw away my latex and we'll make a baby! (I meant that metaphorically).
I guess, what I'm trying to say here is that...we should learn a deeper message from these two lovers... these two lovers who tried to work it out for the baby against the toughest of odds and it didn't work...abortion is always the best option.
To abortion! To Abstinence teaching! ALWAYS the two best options...NO MATTER WHAT! It's what god would want.