Monday, February 23, 2009

My generation is a bunch of pussies -F My Life

There is a new website sweeping the nation right now. It is www.fmylife.com.
It is a website dedicated to retarded kids writing about just TERRIBLE stuff happening to them, and ending it with -FML- or Fuck my life.
Examples of these TERRIBLE travesties that happen to kids are such as,
"i said to my mom today, did u loose weight? and she said back yeah.... and i think u found it. FML" (that was not a typo on my part, the kid can't spell lose)
or
"Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML"
OH NO! You're 16 years old and your parents are still happily married with a healthy sex life! Poor you! That's awful! Imagine if your parents were divorced, or if your mother was a widow...that's something to FML about! Or if you lived in Niger where famine is their biggest issue...you know...trying to eat...I bet they'd be HAPPY to eat nipple cream.

When did we become such pussies? When did my generation become such wimps? This website proves it. There are TWO wars going on right now, an economic depression all over the world, genocides and mass murders in Africa, and you mistaking a girl's insulin reader for a cellphone is a travesty. Enough for you to say Fuck my life!. I want to make a new site...a site where people actually have a reason to fuck their lives... I want someone to post on that site, "yesterday my wife of 10 years left me for my best friend, my mother was shot in the face by my ex and both my legs were hacked off by a "Jason" look-a like FML.
THERE'S A GUY WHO SHOULD BE PUTTING A GUN UP TO HIS HEAD! That's someone whose life is fucked.
How about, "last night, I took a hundred pills and put a bag on my head, hoping to die, but this morning I woke up FML."
I just mean, is this the shit my generation are going to be remembered for? Being pussies? We are all so fucking self-centered! I mean, could you imagine a little fucking Ethiopian whining that his mom found her boyfriend's bra? No...because many aren't healthy enough to have sex! Could you imagine someone from Sudan writing one of these? "I was laying in my bed when a large black man broke into our house killed my father in front of my eyes, raped and killed my mother, slaughtered my sister, shot me up with heroin and made my a fighter in their rebel army against my will. FML." THAT'S an FML!!
We can barely wait five minutes in line for a subway sub without shitting ourselves, now we hate our lives because we have to train our ex girlfriends at Starbucks...oh no! PROFESSIONALISM! AHHHHH.
Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe it's just a fun website...or maybe this is the problem with this planet. We have all these kids all upset and depressed over bullshit...popping pills to be "happier" when they should all stop being pussies. Instead of being upset that your mother is better looking than you, go out and exercise, or vomit, I don't give a shit, but don't fucking whine. Once you're past kindergarten you shouldn't be allowed to whine, and if you do you should be punched right in the face. Right square in the jaw. That'll toughen you up. A little Chris Brown On Rihanna Education is what we need...WHACK!
Life sucks, I get it, we all do...but suck it up god dammit. You know what makes life worse? People bitching and complaining about stupid shit? If your life sucks so much....kill yourself, it will make my life a little better. If your life doesn't suck enough that you want to put a gun to your own head, then you probably shouldn't want to F your life. But, if you do...if it's too much to handle that you forgot to take your socks off in a tanning booth and you're big formal is tonight, then by ALL MEANS...Fuck your life...and PLEASE pull the trigger, so I don't have to FML.



Monday, February 16, 2009

Life Sucks...But who better than me to cheer you up!

Let's not lie to each other...Life sucks right now. The economy is bad, unemployment is rising, the nfl season is over, and worst of all...I had to pay 89 cents for one red delicious apple today...it's total bullshit. 89 cents? throw in the tax, and you're looking at basically a dollar...for one apple...COME ON! Even the apple is thinking to itself, really? A dollar...? I'm not THAT great.
Anyway, life sucks..and worse...you are going to die sooner or later and you know it...so what to do? How do you get cheered up in these tough economic times? Well, here's some news, thoughts, ideas, or objects that can just cheer you up!

4. Good news! You are now more likely to die from cancer than a heart attack! For the first time ever Cancer is more deadly than heart disease! YAAYYY! Mazel Tov Cancer, you've clawwed your way up the disease ladder. I'm sure the victoms of Cancer aren't as pleased that it's now number one...but well...we all do things regret to reach the top (one time I went to a Dave Matthews concert...I know...I know...) and so now that cancer is number one I'm sure it will slow down...oh...what's that?...it's not?...oh well then...Sinman Tov U Mazel Tov! U mazel Tov e sinman tov! For all you non-jews, what i just wrote is a jewish song of celebration..the rough translation is "I found a dollar in a blown up palestian's shoe!" Repeat that several times...you've got our song. SPEAKING of the arabs and Jews, I have our number 3:

3. There is still war in the middle east! YAY! War in the middle east is a constant in this world, it as normal in our lives as the sun coming up in the morning and a palestinian mosque going down at night, and as part of our daily routine like not eating is for Lynsay Lohan (unless it's carpet...OH!). I think conflict in the middle east is like the magnetic fields of the planets...if there were none, the world would implode. But, the people who are the happiest about the war are the evangelicals because as long as the Jews are dying there is a chance Jesus is coming back! I guess it's now understood why people have been killing Jews for all of history...it's just because they were just trying to speed up the coming of the messiah! I get it now...thank you hitler! I mean, it didn't work, but that's because we just didn't let you finish that "solution" you had...what was it again? Oh..kill ALL the Jews...well, I think that would defeat the purpose. So, be happy everyone...there's still war in the middle east!!! Jews vs. Arabs: this time, it's personal....again. OH! JEWS! That transitions me perfectly to number two.

2. According to the Anti-defamtion league...or NAMBLA (totally stole that joke from the Daily show, but who cares, it's hysterical) the number one most hated culture/religion/race, for the 5000th year in a row (ok. ok...they haven't had the ADL that long, but since its inception) is the jews! Now, hold on...the reason this is interesting is because the blacks almost caught up this year...but...BUT the economic crisis threw it to the Jews! YES! YES! As a Jew, I'd like to thank the academy, my mother, she always knew I could do it...for the 5,000th year in a row, and of course...I'd like to thank God...without him, none of this hate would be possible. According to new polls, 31 percent of Europeans believe the Jews are the cause of the Economic crisis...31 percent! But, you have to forgive them because 100 percent of those 31 percent of Europeans think George W. Bush is Jewish. YAY! BE HAPPY JEWS! WE DID IT! MAZEL TOV! YOU FOUND THAT DOLLAR IN THAT BLOWN UP PALESTINIAN'S SHOE! AND YOU ARE STILL THE MOST HATED!

Now, I'm not a mean guy, nor am I stupid. I get the irony in the last three things...none of them are very happy...So, these next thing...the number ONE thing is actually something you can use to make you happy...suggest it to anyone....

1.Whenever I'm upset, I like to endulge in a film. So, does most of the U.S.A. Recent numbers show that this is the biggest january and February ever for movie theatres. But, nowadays, how do I know what movie to go see, buy, rent, or illegally watch online? That process could be very difficult, but I have a new system to find films, which I would like to share with you. There is a website http://www.kids-in-mind.com/ that helps you decide what movies to watch. You see, this website rates movies, for parents on a scale of 1-10 on three separate categories: Sex and nudity, Violence and gore, and profanity. Now, if a movie gets a one in all categories like the movie "Babe, Pig in the city" it has no nudity in it, violence, gore or profanity...in other words it's shit...not worth to watch...BUT..the new Friday the thirteenth got a 10, 10, and 9...that's an instant classic! Lots of sex, violence and language! I ask you, cheer yourself up...go on this website, find a nice ten in nudity and violence and enjoy yourself. Even better this site gives you the play-by-play of all nude scenes. For instance, I didn't want to see Kate Winslet's the reader (Nudity is a 9 for that!) But after I read the play by play from the website I HAD to watch it, an example: (no spoilers, promise) "A teen boy and a woman remove their clothing (her bare breasts, shoulders and abdomen, and his chest, legs and back are seen), and they have sex on a bed; her leg is raised to his shoulder, he thrusts and she moans.) I NEEDED to see this movie.
You see? You see how hot that is? It TOTALLY wanted to make me watch the movie, and even made something in my pants a little happy. So, I tell you...if you're unhappy (women skip to the next paragraph) Men, find something with a ten nudity, with a hot actress and enjoy the movie!
WOMEN: find a great film...a 10, 10, 10...make your night a perfect ten. Actually, according to the website, the greatest film of all time is...2007's Halloween...it's the only 10, 10, 10! It's a perfect ten for all the right reasons!
Pulp fiction comes in second with a 9 in nudity, and 10 in gore and profanity...sorry tarentino...you'll get them next time! Now, I get it...this website is for the opposite of why I'm advertising it...It's trying to warn parents away from profane films like the examples I've given you...but that's what makes it more fun to use the website!

Well, there you go. The top 5 things to help you out during these tough times...and if Kate Winslet's boobs and Vaj don't make you tickly and happy...you're just not human.
I'd like to make a toast to the things keeping my morals up during these hard times:
To Cancer, everlasting confilict in the middle east, hatred of Jews, and moviestar titties, and to life! L'Chaiim!
Be well all...and enjoy ALL of life's blessings.