Friday, January 30, 2009

The War of the Roses Art Museum

You know, I usually write this blog as an angry guy...but it's usually trivial stuff...stuff that should annoy me...but not to the level it actually does...and that's funny...and I get that...but today I'm going to talk about something that really and truly pisses me off. This is something that is sparking inside me like the blow dryer I put in Jimmy Carter's bathtub. What I am talking about is Brandeis' decision to close their museum on campus; The Rose art Museum. Now, I have a personal connection to Brandeis (my sister and brother are alumnus), but it's more than that god Dammit! it's more than that! They say that they are closing the museum due to financial struggles..that they are going to open up a fine arts complex in its place. A fine arts complex? What the fuck does that even mean? What makes a fine arts complex? A couple fucking rooms and studios, maybe a dark room...and BOOM! You've got a "fine arts complex". That's like telling people you're going to build a gym, and you build a basketball court! I mean...it is technically a gymnasium right? That's like telling someone you're going to fuck them and then put on a strap - on...IT'S NOT THE SAME THING! IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE A PENIS, IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE A PENIS, BUT IT'S NOT A FINE ARTS COMPLEX!
There's a bigger problem though...it's the precedent this closing states. We all know we are in tough economic times...and we all need to make sacrifices...but to sacrifice history? To sacrifice utter creativity? To sacrifice hard work and dedication? Because that's what art is. It's hard fucking work, it's hard fucking dedication to present something...this is what we sacrifice because we don't have money? It is the opposite of what any school should be saying...or what anyone on this planet should be saying. George W. Bush would close a museum to save money...cause he doesn't work...unless you consider hunting work, but hunting is too much fun to be work! The only time he ever worked is when he owned the texas rangers and they've been terrible for 20 years (he left...and they had the worst couple seasons of the franchise...sounds a little like America huh). My America embraces work... my America embraces creativity and helps it survive. The 60's would not have happened without the Beatles and Andy Warhol, the 70's without George Carlin, and so on. We need these creative minds to help depict our generation's message...and right now...with the closing of this museum...we are sending a different message, one that states that we just don't give a shit about what different way this generation is going to shape our planet.

I will say one awesome thing I've seen out of this...and this a hell yeah to all the artists out there. I think if Brandeis were to close...like a science lab...there'd be anger, but nothing like this...I mean, there was a sit-in today at the school! That's great! It's great because, and I'm speaking in generalities...Mexicans suck...haha just kidding (no I'm not) but I just thought I'd get you there...anyway, speaking in generalities, the visual arts kids are usually pretty quiet..and to see them coming out and protesting this closing is like if the soft spoken cows were stand -up and stop the production of hamburgers...and I'm happy to see that happen...especially if the cows began to have cognitive abilities...I'd really love that.
Passion people...it's why I get up every day...and there is an enormous passion in those works at that museum...you can't destroy passion...it's like AIDS...you might be able to keep it at bay for a while, but sooner or later it's going to kill you...wait a second...that wasn't a very good metaphor after all. Ok, Passion is like an orgasm...you can keep it pent up for a while...but sooner or later I'm going to explode on your face. NO, SHIT! That didn't work either! Well, I think you get the idea.
This closing is a slap in the face to any artist, or anyone who has ever enjoyed a painting.
Those paintings are America's History! Just like the genocide of millions of Native Americans!
VIVA LA ROSE ARTS MUSEUM!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

You ever notice (serial killer edition)

I Just had a couple naughty thoughts I thought people might appreciate...about murder...MWAHAHAHAHAHA

You ever notice on television, whenever a serial killer is captured, it seems like no one knew the guy could've been a serial killer. The neighbor is always on television dumfounded like, "he seemed like such a nice guy. I can't believe he murdered those 12 people and then made coats out of their genitalia."
I want to be a serial killer who everyone KNOWS is a serial killer. I mean, I want to give out all the hints. I want to get caught, and they interview my neighbor and he yells to the cameraman, "Yes! I saw it coming! That motherfucker David Schwartzbaum was crazy! He had hookers over all the time who never seemed to leave the house, whenever he would come outside to get the paper he'd be dressed in some sort of bird costume...all the neighborhood cats disappeared right around the time he moved in...he used to stand up on the roof naked howling at the moon! We called the cops hundreds of times! We knew that fucker was a serial killer!" That never seems to happen though...but maybe that's why the neighbor lived to tell about it?

You ever notice how, as a society...we put too tough of expectations on children of famous people? I mean, There is no way that Martin Luther King's son could/should be as great as his own father. Could you imagine the conversation someone might have about me if I was like...let's say Bono's son?
They'd be like, "That David, he just sits around all days and plays video games, he's got a minimum wage job at Subway...he wants to be a comedian?...he's nothing like his father Bono!"
That's why I want to be the son of a serial killer...because then the conversation about me would be very different because the expectations would be lower:
"That David, he just sits around all day and plays video games, he's got a minimum wage job at subway.he wants to be a comedian?..Yeah...but at least he didn't killed anybody!"

A couple words of wisdom and riddles to ask yourself...

If a hooker Dies in a forest, and no one is around to hear, she still doesn't have a soul.

The american heritage dictionary defines a serial killer as someone who "has murdered at least three different people in three separate occurences."
This makes Tim Allen the worst serial killer in showbiz:
Who did he kill you might ask?
1-5. The cast of Home Improvement
Poor Zachery Ty Brian, Patricia Richardson, Taran Noah Smith, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Richard Karn...(sob) they never saw it coming.
Last time I heard of richard karn...oh god...last time I saw Richard Karn...he lost the job of the host of Family Feud to Jay Peterman from Seinfeld! WHY TIM ALLEN!? WHYYY!!?

And the most heinous murder of his career??
6. Santa Claus
Evidence Against him?
The Santa Clause
The Santa Clause 2
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape clause

And of course...we can never excuse him for "For Richer or Poorer" with Kirstie Alley, they both should be locked in "Veronica's Closet" and hanged for that one.

I leave you with some levity...I appreciate you reading and (hopefully) enjoying some random ideas I've had about serial killing, but I always like to make you leave with a smile. When I was young, my mother always used to tell me this joke when I was upset:
"Today police found a body in a bathtub. The bathtub was filled with milk, cheerios, strawberries, and sliced up bananas. Police say this is the work of a Cereal Killer."

Anyway, just some random things I thought of while watching sportscenter...I know...I know...I REALLY need to see a therapist.





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Monday, January 19, 2009

Obama time to fix the things that PISS ME OFF!

I'm pissed off. Now, I know this might not surprise many of you, but what will surprise you is that I'm hopeful too. Because tomorrow our 44th President of the United States of America will be Barack Hussein Obama. You see, he is bringing change and hope to us all. Tomorrow, around noon, after he is inaugurated, only rainbows will be in the sky, Bin Laden will Spontaneously Combust, and EVERYONE'S gonna get laid...even the kids at the Heroes Convention are going to get blowjobs. So, many people are asking Obama for help...so, I have a couple things I need Mr. Obama to change...the top 5 things that are pissing me off RIGHT NOW...and how Mr. Obama can fix them. HERE WE GO!

5. Hot 15-16 year olds on Facebook.

Ok you little hot 16 year olds on facebook, with your little tiny bikini pictures, and sitcking your tongue out at the camera in that innocent, but naughty 16 year old way. You've got to stop. It's not fair. I'm 19 years old, and technically three years is not a lot of time inbetween...but, it is highly frowned upon in our society for someone my age to....uh...get busy with...someone of that age. It is NOT FAIR! It would be considered torture to stick a piece of bacon out in front of a dog and then eat it, and then take out another bite, and eat it, and another one and eat it, and so on. And that's exactly what these little high schoolers are doing to us young men! We sign on facebook, our hormones whizzing around us and BOOM. In our faces are a pair of 18 year old titties, and then we look at who they are, and we've known the chick our whole lives and she's 14...It's WRONG! It makes us feel dirty! I'm not dirty! I'm just a teenager! Now, we still look...sure...we have to...its in our dna...on the hundredth time the dog is still going to go for the bacon...but we feel dirty afterward.
MR OBAMA! WE NEED YOU TO FIX THIS!
Here's how Mr. Obama can fix this,
He needs to make a proclomation stating that titties are timeless. They have no age. Helen Mirren is in her 60's and has 40 year old tits, and Ive seen 12 year olds with 20 year old boobs. So, Proclomation! Looking at any or all breasts are ok...no matter what the age...RESTRICTION...until 18..above the belt.

4. Little Fucking lapdogs.

I hate little fuckiing lapdogs. They are shaved rats. Shitsus are called shitsus because they are little shits, and just like shit, when you step on one you go...ewwwww. Shitsu...there you go.
Ok. Ok. Maybe I don't hate ALL lapdogs, I mean. There are some sweet cute ones. The ones that know their place, are quiet and just chill on your lap, but I HATE the loud ones. The ones that bark at you when you walk into a friend's house. That dog has a napoleon complex. Does it know how much bigger I am than it? Does that dog know how tiny it is? I could put it in a sub and eat it. For god's sake, it is a furry football...and do you know how far I could punt it.
And then you have these people...these stupid people who think that these little chiuhuauas and miniature poodles will protect them. First, if there is anything less vicious than a poodle...it's a MINIATURE poodle...but even more so...I mean, who do the owners think these dogs are going to protect them from? Are they smurfs needing protection from Gargamel? And then you have the Paris Hilton's of the world...who have their tiny "teacup" dogs in their purses. Every time I see a dog's little head poke out of the purse, I just want to take the dog, stick it's head in the purse and zip it up...not so cute anymore.
MR.OBAMA! We need your help!
Here's how we can fix this! We go biblical...We have a measurement of what a normal sized dog should be...let's say the size of a Hebrew National Hotdog. If a dog does not reach that size (at an adult age...puppies are cute) then we throw the first born into the nearest body of water (lake, pond, bathtub). EXCEPTION: I'm a humane guy...so I make an exception. If you have one of those yappy dogs, in order to keep from execution...snip the vocal chords.

3. Bathroom Attendants.

I hate bathroom attendants. Now, if you don't know what a bathroom attendant is, they are the guys who help you open the door to a stall in a bathroom, put soap on your hands, and dry your hands...and then you've got to tip them! If there is ONE thing on this planet I don't need help with it's taking a piss, thank you very much. Out of all the other things on this planet I need help with...changing a tire, making fresh squeezed juice, putting a condom on before flacidity takes over...the ONE thing I really DON'T need help with...is taking a piss! I've been able to do that all by myself from the beginning of time! And then, I got to tip you for something I could've easily done myself. Having a bathroom attendant is like having a hooker give you a handjob...not only could you do it yourself, BUT YOU COULD DO IT BETTER YOURSELF, AND FOR FREE.
How Obama can fix this.
Keep the bathroom attendants...just change them from the middle-aged hispanic guys to the hot 16 year olds from facebook. No more complaints! Is that soap in my hand or did I just squirt out something else special?
NEXT

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/ Marley and Me
Both these movies are so stupid, so brain-crunchingly obnoxious, so parasitic that they suck the life out of you like the dementors in Harry Potter, that they tie. Here's why. One at a time.
A. Paul Blart
This movie, with Kevin James playing a guy too fat to be a police officer, made 34 million dollars this week. 34 MILLION DOLLARS. If I had a dollar for every time I've been hit on by a good looking person, I would have far less than 34 million dollars! Kevin James has continuously insulted us fat people in his films...and has made money through it! In hitch, he was that bumbling sweet fat guy who couldn't dance. Fuck that. I know some fat guys who can dance! Not me specifially...but that's not because I'm fat, it's because I'm jewish. Then, he comes out with "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry". Where he is the fatty to Adam Sandler's non-fatty. The movie is filled with brilliant fat jokes like , "
Larry Valentine (Kevin James)
: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler): Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine (Kevin James): What?
Chuck Levine(Adam Sandler): They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one Adam! Did you think about that one when you were writing Hannukkah song part 29? Here's a verse for your next song, I wrote just for you Adam,
"Put on your Yamukah, it's time for Hannukkah, the last time you made a good movie-kah, I was still reading Archie Comic-kahs. ( I wanna say Happy Gilmore?) NO JB! NOT SPANGLISH!

Now, Kevin James he comes out with this film about this fat guy running into doors, and trying to be a cop but he can't cause he's so fat! Fuck that movie, fuck the plot, and fuck kevin James. He has ruined the great reputation of all the fat people in this country...I'm talking about all of us fat people...the 50 percent of the American population...we deserve more respect, and more room on elevators, AND we deserve less Kevin James, and more Kevin Bacon, (All Fat people thinking at same time) "Mmmmm Bacon. "
Fuck Marley and me. Spolier alert, I'm going to tell you what the movie is about. A couple gets a dog because they think it's going to be nice, but it turns out to be a nusiance for two hours. The dog seems to always interrupt them before sex! So, they hide out in the living room! Marley shows up! Then the pool! OH! Marley shows up! Finally, after leading a healthy life the dog dies....and everyone cries. Owen wilson why are you so sad? You can finally fuck Jen Aniston without coughing up a hairball mid-climax. This movie is insulting to all dog owners, but at least Marley isn't a little lapdog...like a miniature poodle. Here's a riddle for you.
What's stupider, more pointless, and goes against evolution more than a poodle?
A MINIATURE POODLE!!
OBAMA! HELP US FIX THIS MESS!
First, Obama either needs to fatten Kevin James up, or skinny him down. He either needs to be Marlon Brando before death fat, or Keira Knightley Skinny. If James doesn't want to lose weight...force him...if you're against torture Mr. President, then let him make more films...just no more fat jokes! As for Marley, Owen Wilson, and Aniston. Owen Wilson is easy...Leave him in a room filled with sharp objects...he'll take care of it all himself...and Jennifer Aniston? Cast her in another Jim Carrey movie...she was alright in Bruce Almighty.

1. Ass holes who believe they should get special treatment because they are in the army or have some terrible disease.
Now, let me just clarify. I fully support our troops. I think what they do is the bravest, most courageous, ballsey thing anyone can do. Possibly sacrifice your life for a cause you believe in..Amazing. and to people battling terrible illnesses, Cancer, HIV, etc..Keep Fighting. They are awful and I do not wish them on almost anyone (I'm looking at you Jimmy Carter), but what I HATE are the fuckers who think that it is ok to be ass holes because of their disease. For instance, I hated my third grade teacher. She was a total bitch. She yelled at me, I yelled at her.. I even called her a bitch straight to her face once...cause she was. My mother recently told me she had breast cancer...now again...that's awful...thats terrible...my condolensces to the family, but why should I care? She was a bitch to me. Why do I need to be nice to someone now just cause she is sick? WE ALL DIE! Me, you, My third grade teacher, Barney...we all do it, SO if someone is a cunt, they deserve to be treated like a cunt no matter what is wrong with them. If I were diagnosed with Flesh-eating disease tomorrow, I still deserve to be treated like an ass hole..nothing changes! NOTHING SHOULD CHANGE! I get shit now for saying mean things about people who are sick...EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW THEY ARE SICK. That's fucking minority report shit, arresting people before the crime is commited.
The other day, I punched a soldier in the face...now, in my defense I did not know he was a soldier at the time. I found out after I hit him and a girl yelled "He's a soldier!! Back from Iraq!". And I was like, "So? Is he not allowed to get punched in the face?" He gets discounts on cabs, movies, he is heroic...but if he's an ass hole and making women uncomfortable he deserves to get punched in the face! Now, if anyone deserves to get some ass it's an army dude...out in the desert with nothing but those "don't ask don't tell" fellas, but if you are being a creeper... Am I wrong here? Am I? I'm not! I CAN'T BE! Mr. Obama help me out here.
Obama must pass a resolution stating that all peoples are created equal, and no matter who you are, and what your stature is in society...if you're an ass hole...you will get punched in the face...I am fully awaiting the day when I get a punch in the face for this blog...even after I've been diagnosed with Leprosy and am a five star general in a wheelchair.

So, there you go Mr. Obama. You've got a lot of work to do...but These Changes might not be the changes we all want...but it's the changes we all need.