Monday, November 16, 2009

Lil' Obama Bow Wah/Update on Levi Johnston's Penis


Ladies and gentleman I am angry. I am infuriated at our socialist, nazi sympathizer, arab, non-american president Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. Why am I angry at him? Well, me and my other "real american" friends are DISGUSTED that OUR president BOWED to the Japanese president! Don't believe me? Think this is me spewing lies? This article about people angry at Obama for bowing was on the homepage of MSNBC only a few hours ago! And MSNBC is the liberal news network! (I'll give you a minute to click on the link and read in fury)
This is disgusting, this is awful, I mean, why would Obama think it is ok to bow to anyone other than god himself! If Christianity has taught me anything (and it hasn't) it has taught me that I shouldn't bow to any man or image of a man (except for images of Jesus, mary, mary magdalene, Paul, Jon the Baptist, and that crilled cheese sandwich that has Jesus's face burnt on it). I mean, it is not a good enough excuse that in Japan everyone bows to everyone for a sign of respect, and handshakes are very taboo in their culture, he is the American president god dammit! Fuck their culture! We shake hands! Not only did Barack Obama bow to the Japanese president, but he bowed LOWER than the president bowed to him. For god's sake, why don't you just got on your knees and blow him Barack? Jeez...suck up. Do you know what it means to bow to someone in Japan? It shows that you respect the person as an equal...HOW DARE HE! Who does this guy think he is? And you see that picture (on the top of the page) of Obama bowing slightly and holding his hands at his heart to the Hindus? I don't understand this guy! Next thing you know he'll be sacrificing humans when he visits a satanist for a peace mission (I nominate glenn beck, Dane Cook, or the Geico Gecko as the sacrifice).
I'm agree with the criticism, it is appalling that Obama has made time to learn and respect these people's customs and traditions. It almost seems like he CARES about what these people believe, it almost seems like he respects them...yuk. How dare he be part of the culture of the land he visits? People who want to find evidence that Obama wasn't born in America, don't look at his birth certificate, look at what he does. A new study says that over half of American High Schoolers can't point out Iraq on a globe, but Obama knows to bow to a Japanese guy? He's an Arab!
Even worse, Obama's bow was done to none other than the son of the emperor of Japan who ruled Japan during Pearl Harbor! This is anti-american! This man's father started a war with our country and we are bowing to his son? We are Amrica god dammit! We hold grudges! I mean, grudges is why the second bush started the Iraq War! (no, I'm sorry...that's ridiculous, it was obviously the WMDS). Obama should have bowed and then threw another nuke on Hiroshima dammit. That will teach them.
Now, maybe you're thinking "David you're nuts. This was a mistake! His back went out! He saw some gum on the floor he didn't want to step on! It was a one time thing!" I bring you to THIS EVIDENCE!
The link above me is a link to a picture of what happened on April 2, 2009...a day that will live in infamy...where Barack HUSSEIN obama bowed to his Arab King, the King of Saudi Arabia! Now, yes, it was a slight head nod, and some say that Obama is taller than the king and the picture was taken during a sort of awkward hand shake into whisper moment, BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH! Obama has bowed now to two of our worst enemies over the last century, the Japanese and the Arabs, and yes, I'm generalizing but I have to! You saw what happened in fort hood! A crazy guy, who the government knew had been unstable for a year and who had kept saying he was going to kill people, killed people! It's ok to generalize about Arabs now because this one guy who recently converted to Islam went nuts in this one incident.
So, obama has bowed to two mortal enemies, the Arabs and the Japanese...all we need to do is dig up hitler's body so he can give him a nice reach around and he'd be three for three. Oh wait...he is honoring and bowing to hitler with his socialist, nazi healthcare bill, that is exactly like the third reich (acording to the teabaggers and all their signs) You see, Obama's healthcare plan is EXACTLY like the third reich...Hitler rounded up millions of people, then murdered 13 million people in gas chambers, and Obama wants everyone in the country to have healthcare no matter how poor, THEY ARE TOO EERILY SIMILAR!! THEY ARE EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! AHHHHHH! One simple equation for you math geeks out there: Obama + Universal Healthcare = Murder of 13 million innocent people and resurrection of Adolph Hitler.

NOW, as promised in my title, an update on Levi Johnston's penis!
I have some bad news for everyone...I just was informed via my many sources that Levi Johnston will not be posing full frontal in Playgirl. (I'll give you all a collective moment where you can all take your hands off your penises and allow the blood to flow back into your bodies). The good news is though that we will still see plenty of ass and partial penis (not sure what partial penis means, but I'm excited to find out!) Here's to hoping we get a little ass hole action. If we get a little ass hole action, I might be bowing to Levi Johnston the next time I see him...I'm sure Mr. Obama will.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Would Tufts Sexile David Letterman?

Some disturbing news has been reported this week and I'm glad to be back and report it to you all. First, This week Tufts university has announced that it is not allowing students to have sex if their roommate is in the room. This is a disgrace, this is awful...I mean, college is all about experiences and there is no experience that puts hair on your chest more than laying in your bed quietly masturbating to your roommate having sex with that chick from playwriting class. I mean it takes real skill to masturbate quietly! Masturbation and sex are like racquetball, it's supposed to be loud! If it's quiet you're not playing it right, and it's usually best to be wearing goggles during it...just in case (this is all from personal experience). But seriously, I mean...don't we believe that our college students can handle this stuff themselves? I have friends who would leave a tie on their door, sometimes a sock as a symbol to their roommates if they were getting laid. I was a little more blunt with my sex symbols, I used to make mad libs up for the roomys. Just fill in your name, the ladies name and sign at the bottom with a time when we can come back in. This is the 21st century! Text your roommate! "Hey. I'm about to get a blowjob, don't come home for the next 20 minutes...ok ok...10 minutes...well I need a couple minutes to clean up!" (that's a gross joke) It's that easy!
Tufts also doesn't address group sex. I mean, group sex is a large part of the college experience, what if your roommate is involved with you in the orgy in your dorm...you were both present during sex...is that against Tufts rules? What about gay sex? If you're fucking your roommate, then you're there when he is having sex. That would be a great way to get back at a scorned lover!
But, at the end of the day, I have to say...who the fuck wants to be in the room while someone else is having sex? Like, I would not want ANYONE to have to watch me have sex. Watching me have sex is like trying to watch a midget get into a hummer, there's puffing, huffing, jumping, lunging, wheezing, and sweating, and even if he gets in and can turn the ignition, the car is gonna run out of gas real quick.
Speaking of comedians getting laid, how about my boy David Letterman? You know for someone so grumpy and sad as Letterman, he sure seems to be getting his rocks off a lot. I gotta say, I'm a cynical, mean, sarcastic guy, but I bet you I'd be a little less if I was having constant sex with women who thought I was the funniest, most talented guy they knew (It's called a god complex). Speaking of god, he sucks...moving on. Some people are defending letterman, they say he wasn't married so it wasn't as bad as if he was...but here's the thing...He's been dating the same woman for 25 years! I mean, it's the same fucking thing as marriage! It's probably holier than marriage seeing as half of marriages fail. I think it's ridiculous to hold marriage up to such a high standard, don't get me wrong marriage is great, but if two people love eachother (and they aren't gay or interracial) then isn't it enough to love the person and not fuck your 25 year old intern? Isn't it really the same thing...but at the end of the day as the philosopher beyonce said "If you like it...then you better put a ring on it."
I go back and forth on the letterman thing, as a moral person I go...come on Letterman, what about your spouse? But as a fellow man and comedian, I'm going ohhhh yeeesss. I mean, David Letterman is gross and he's getting laid! MAD PROPS! But I'll tell you this...I'd never want to see letterman get laid...I don't want to see anyone with a heart condition have sex, it'd be like watching a horror movie, you're just on the edge of your seat waiting to see if he dies. You ever think when Letterman is done performing he just lets slip "And now stay tuned for Craig Ferguson?"
I'll conclude with this idea. We've turned sex into a competition in this country. Everyone is always talking about who is getting laid, how many times, how long did he last, did he get the girl off, where they did it, how they did it, and how awake was she? (the answer to that last one is just enough) But we need to remember what sex is really about. It's about betraying god, disgracing your family, hurting the the ones you love, using it as a way to boost your shattered, warped self esteem, and making others uncomfortable...(betraying god is the one that gets me off) at least that's what I've learned from all the tv I've ever watched. Maybe that's why Tufts banned sex with the roommate in the room...your remember that feeling you got when you pictured Letterman getting laid? That nauseating feeling in your throat....now imagine if that was happening right next to you in a 8X10 foot dorm room....I'd transfer like I have already...over to Conan O Brien.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

BAILOUT THE LIVE ACTION SITCOM!!!

Hey blog readers and fans.
Just updating you on the show I head wrote and am in " Bailout! The Live Action sitcom". We just opened and the show is very funny.
you can purchase by contacting us, a season pass for $20.00. The season pass allows you to see all 6 episodes as many times as they are shown for only 20.00. That's a possible viewing of 12 performances , 6 different episodes, over 5 hours of my brilliant comedy for only 20 dollars. Contact me at offcolortheatrecompany!@gmail.com for the season pass. You can buy single tickets at the door or online at

http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=8789#showtimes
Here's the show's schedule.

Episode 1 - 7PM Fri. 9/4/09, 7PM Mon. 9/7/09

Episode 2 - 9PM Mon. 9/7/09, 7PM Thurs. 9/10/09

Episode 3 - 9PM Thu. 9/10, 7PM Sun. 9/13/09

Episode 4 - 9PM Sun. 9/13/09, 7PM Wed. 9/16/09

Episode 5 - 9PM Wed. 9/16/09, 5PM Sat. 9/19/09

Episode 6 - 7PM Sat. 9/19/09, 9PM Sat/ 9/19/09



Please come see the show if you live in or near Philadelphia!!
It's only 5 dollars!

It's at the Arts Bank Cabaret at 601 S Broad Street, right on the corner of broad and south!

Check out my company's website offcolortheatrecompany.org
and if you got more money, donate to us so we can produce more comedy in the city.

Come see Bailout! Don't miss out!!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Who Let Michael Vick Out? Who? Who? Who?

I watched Micheal Vick's press conference today with an open heart and open ears, but I didn't buy what Michael Vick was saying. If you don't know what I'm talking about, last night, the Philadelphia Eagles signed Mike Vick to a two year deal. Now we all know what I think about the situation, I believe Michael's punishment wasn't fitting...prison for it? Nah..I think Vick should have been put into a ring with a rabid, angry dog, one that he or his croneys help train and turn into a psycho, and have them fight it out. The winner goes free (but with injuries) and the loser gets dragged outside, soaked in water and electrocuted to death...cause that is what vick did to his losers.
What people seem to forget in this case isn't that Michael Vick was just an innocent bystander of dogfights...he brutally murdered, through drowning, electricuting and choking over a dozen dogs, he bought his Virginia mansion for one reason...to dogfight...and he funded the illegall transportation of dogs all over the country for dogfighting...Here are some select quotes from the Eagle's press conference today, and why...I just don't buy it.

Vick kept calling his involvement a "Mistake." No Michael, I'm sorry...a mistake is tripping and falling and grabbing a girl's boob inadvertently, a mistake is when you're chopping wood, the axe flies out of your hand and hits someone 100 feet away, a mistake (to give an example from the nfl) is if you were partying too hard, got too drunk to realize you were driving a car and hit someone jaywalking...THOSE are mistakes, all to different degrees. Premeditated murder of dogs isn't a mistake! Something can't be a mistake if you did it for years and years and years and had a very specific plan on how to do it without getting caught. Mistakes aren't usually evil and what he did was evil! Most serial killers start out by killing animals, that's not a coincidence! It's a lack of respect for life and Vick has not proven he has any respect for the life of animals. He kept saying "I've teamed up with the humane society." But he's made noooo specifics on what that means. I get e-mails from greenpeace, Move-on.org, Republicans of Florida, Jewish queer youth, and pizza hut...does that mean I've teamed up with them too Michael? Cause let me tell you, I sure as shit am not a gay environmentalist liberal republican who enjoys a shitty pizza every once in a while (though I do enjoy a shitty pizza every once in a while). And I bet I've done just as much for them as Michael has..."he's teamed up"...please...how? He went to a couple rallies and has spoken to some kids...that's not teaming up.

That brings me to my next quote:

When asked about how he will clean up his image Michael gave no specifics, he did say this though
"“if I can help more animals than I hurt…then I’m contributing…I’m doing my part."
That's going to be a lot of work Michael seeing as you were personally connected in one way or another to over a hundred dog slayings. Wow! So, if he helps more dogs than he killed, he'll be doing his part! According to that logic, I can murder Michael vick, and then save two people from a fire and I would have served my time too! How simple! The bible isn't "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" it's an eye for two eyes, and a tooth for two teeth"! Of course! Speaking of god, Tony Dungy has become Vick's mentor, he retired from football last year...to I guess...spend more time being a missionary? What? Dungy now spends his time mentoring prisoners in Tampa Bay, which makes no sense to me seeing that his son commited suicide two years ago. I'm sorry, I know....awful, but if I'm a young person looking for a mentor, I don't see myself choosing the guy who fucked up his most important, and closest mentoring case...all I'm saying. Dungy should stick to football or his familiy and leave the Jesus talk up to the crazy fuckers on the corners of Broad and Market teling me how my soul is damned...but Michael's isn't damned because "If he can help more animals than he hurt...he'll be doing his part."

When asked what he thought about dogfighting Michael called it "unnecessary" and a "pointless activity". WOW! Those are strong words! Pointless! Unneccessary! You know what else is pointless and unnecessary...video games, masturbation, me dressing up in my mother's clothes and pretending I'm betty boop...you know what should be described as something bigger than pointless and unnecessary...DOGFIGHTING. Here's some adjectives he could have used that would be better than pointless...how about Heinous, evil, disgusting, awful, abominable, terrible, cruel, stupid, retarded, fucked up, and so on...but pointless? PLEASE. Unnecessary? Unnecessary? It's unnecessary to drink your own urine...dogfighting is waaaayyyyyy past unnecessary. You know what's pointless and unnecessary? Thinking that calling something as disgusting as dogfighting just pointless and unnecessaary.

Vick answered a question by saying
“now I understand people care about their animals, the welfare of their animals.”"
NOW he knows? What is he retarded? Has he lived in some other world where people murdered dogs all the time in front of him? This is America! Turn on the tv, we have pictures of puppies all over the tv...any tv show with the stereotypical american family has a dog as the loyal friend. Has he never heard of Lassie? Warrick Dunn, his former teammate helps out at an animal shelter in Atlanta. He NOW understands people care about animals? Are you shitting me? That is the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard! Come on! Michael vick you are either absolutely stupid or full of shit...neither one bodes well for you. I NOW understand Michael Vick is retarded....no wonder he murdered dogs, it all makes sense now.

Finally, vick kept saying "this is the country of second chances". Since when? Since when was this the country for second chances? If Michael Vick was a lawyer he would've been disbarred, a doctor, his medical license would have been revoked, a business man, he would have been black listed. We have people register as sex offenders at 18 years old and have to spend the rest of their lives living 2500 feet away from any public buildings. We are the country of second chances? The country that has contiuously denied DNA testing to criminals on death row? The country that in most states has a law barring anyone charged with a felony to ever vote in an election? Meaning if at 20 you're caught dealing some pot, you will never vote again...when did this country become te country of second chances? NO. The only second chance here is by the NFL He is getting preferential treatment because he is a football player...and it is BULLSHIT.

Look...do I think Vick served his time...yes I do...do I think he deserves a second chance...yes I do...just not in the NFL. Any other profession would have thrown him out, and so should the NFL..He should have to build himself up somewhere else...start from the bottom...the same place percy and t bone started from with Vick in the prison shower...the bottom.

In conclusion, it takes a different type of person to hold a dog's head in water and feel and watch it drown, it takes a different kind of person to put electrical wires on a dog and watch it die...and that type of person is Michael Vick...and that is not a guy I want on my team...though a light shock on the nipples is sometimes a good thing...as long as there's a safety word...maybe that was the problem? Maybe the safe word between the dogs and Vick was banana and all the dog's could do was squeal in terrible pain...No...I don't trust Michael Vick...I don't trust him as far as he could throw a football...and since he's never been a good quarterback, that's not very far.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gay-to-Straight camps don't work! WHHHAAATTT?

The most shocking report of maybe ever came out today. A report so shocking that I cannot believe it's not getting the coverage it deserves...yes...today it was announced that after a several year study it turns out that gay-to-straight programs...DO NOT WORK! This is the biggest surprise since another study coming out about 3 months ago said that abstinence teaching didn't work! This is such a shame, I really had high hopes for the gay people I know. I really wanted them to be cured. I just can't understand why people genetically predisposed to being gay can't just lose it after a 3 month Jesus intensive! It seems like the perfect way to fix somebody doesn't it! Because, I mean, if there is one thing that isn't gay at all it's Jesus Christ! I mean, Jesus' picture of him, long haired, scruffy beard, blue eyes, filthy, half naked, tied up on that cross isn't sado -massichistic at all, and doesn't turn me on in the least bit. All I'm saying is I would NEVER find it sexyif the holy ghost posessed my holy cross once in a while.

If you readers don't know what I'm talking about with these gay-to-straight camps, basically parents send their gay children to camps in order for them to become straight. It's a camp where gay kids go to concentrate on not being gay, where they are concentrated into a group of "confused kids like themselves so they can concentrate on being better at this camp...I don't know what to call the camp where they go to concentrate on not being gay...it's just on the tip of my tongue...no idea...if you know what I should call it, leave me a comment and tell me....maybe something with camp in it, and maybe concentrate? I dunno...

I gotta say...I'm not surpised these gay camps didn't work...as a Jewish kid, I used to go to Jew camp...and Jew camp is totally where Jewish kids get their first sexual experiences. I'll never forget my first kiss, it was at Jew camp...we were kissing during morning services, I got a little...excited...she felt it and ran out of my room freaking out...true story...I was 17 at the time...ok no no...TURNING 17...Alright it was 6th grade...but I was a 16 year old 6th grader so... But, seriously, I've got to say, that is probably the best metaphor for my sex life since then too...running out screaming.
ANYWAY, the point is, ask any Jewish kid who ever went to Jew camp...it was THE place, EVERYONE was gonna get some at Jew camp from someone, even Herschel the mildly retarded religious kid would get a handjob. So, I look at this gay camp. All these confused, Adolescent boys up in the woods with a bunch of priests, hormones raging...I'm getting a little turned on just thinking about it and I'm straight! Are you kidding me? This was probably one big gay orgy! Why wouldn't it be!? If I was gay, I'd ask to go to one of these camps..."oh mommy please please, I want to be straight so badly". I think we should have more of these camps! I think the conservos did a good thing! Let the gays go out and fuck each other! Learn about gay sex, protection, safety...nice job conservatives!
Also, these camps are usually in the woods, and we all know if you legalize gay marriage, then beastiality is next...so the gays could be fucking some wild animals too! I don't think when gay people use the term "bear" they mean it literally, but they could now!!!

Well, it seems the U.S.A is screwed people...abstinence teaching didn't work, and now these gay-to-straight camps don't work! It almost makes you think that maybe human sexuality isn't something that can be held down or changed...that maybe it's something impulsive, instinctive in all of us...that we don't choose who we are attracted to and that it wouldn't be healthy to go against our natural urges...NO! NO! That's ridiculous! Glad I got that idea out of my head! Jesus saves...Jesus saves...OK! OK! it's out of my head!
Now, I know some of you might say that maybe I'm picking on Jesus and the catholics too much in this article, don't fundamentalist Jews, Muslims and other fanatics believe similarly, that Homosexuality is an abomination? And the answer is yes...but, most of these camps are set up by right-wing christian conservatives, and most of the camps in the study were of those kind.

God though...I just can't think of a good/clever name for the CAMPS where they get all the gay kids to CONCENTRATE on being straight...it's on the tip of my tongue...god...oh well...they take these kids to a CAMP in a CONCENTRATED area...I got nothing...

Monday, July 13, 2009

DEATH! Now that I've got your attention

Wow...there has been so much death around us lately. Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, Sarah Palin's political career...that it makes you think about your own mortalitiy doesn't it? I mean, the scary thing is we are all going to die and even scarier is we don't know what happens after death...could it really just be eternal darkness? Is that what comes after life? That Blows!
Time to go through the options of the afterlife and talk about why...no matter what you believe about after-death or no matter what actually happens...all the options blow.

1. Hell

HELL! AHHH! The scariest place not on Earth! The place you will work and burn in eternal hellfire if you are bad..scary! Hell sounds like it sucks (biggest understatement EVER)...if you are bad...you go to hell. But, like...there's GOT to be different levels of hell right? Like...ok...what if there's a gay guy who is a wonderful Catholic, but just fucks guys! Everything else in his life he is a perfect catholic but he fucks guys...he doesn't go to the same hell as baby rapers right? Cause like...as much as pat robertson hated gays, he couldn't have hated them more than baby rapers right? These are the little details we need to talk about...that no one seems to talk about with Hell. I have no interest in accepting Christ in my lifetime, and if the Catholics are right that means I go to hell for it...ok...but you're really not going to put me in the same place as murderers are you? I mean, COME ON! That's not justice! AND if you are going to put me in that same place...then why don't I just go murder and rape? I'm going to wind up in the same place anyway right? If I am a good person but don't accept christ...go to hell...if I rape and murder 14 year olds...go to Hell...so why not just rape and murder? It's more fun anyway?
Just an Idea...do we go make a rape children club now in the name of Christ?

2. Purgatory.

Some Christians believe that if you don't accept Christ but are a good person you spend your whole eternity in Purgatory, which is just like a waiting room basically. This sounds like THE WORST option, cause like...if I'm in hell...I'm working you know? Time goes by when I'm working, I'm picking up molten rocks, and buliding volcanos or whatever...but I'd go nuts just sitting in a white room for all eternity. I mean, how many times in an eternity can you play with yourself?...and that's probably the reason I got there in the first place. No no no. I'd rather be a slave for all eternity than just sit around.
So, purgatory BLOWS!

3. Heaven

Is it just me or does Heaven sound like more work than hell? Most religions believe that you have some sort of rekindling with your relatives in heaven like immediately...oh yeah...that's not awkward...You know how it's weird to see your great aunt Lillith every three years at the family reunion, she asks you all those awkward questions you don't want to answer...? Imagine that...times an ETERNITY! You go up to heaven, there's your great grandmother who died when you were three, she knows EVERYTHING about you, from when you lost your first tooth to the women you fantasized about when having sex with your wife. She starts asking you questions "how are you?" "how have you been?"
"Well, I just had a heart attack and am dead so..."
And can you imagine if your wife is dead? How awkward is that? Death is like the ultimate break-up...all of the sudden you're reconnected in the after life? That's got to be some awkward catching up time. Yeah...I got to tell you...it sounds like too much work for me and just sooo awkward...Heaven sounds like a bad episode of the office.
Also, all the depictions of heaven is like harp music...but I don't really like the Harp...I find it quite annoying..if there's harp music up in heaven I'm going to have to pass...I'm also afraid of heights...not sure how cool I am with the whole clouds thing either...YEAH...heaven doesn't really work for me...

Out of these three...I honestly thing I'd rather see myself burning in hell...Work makes time move...and I just don't need to feel uncomfortable for all eternity!

4. Nothing...now of course...there is the fourth option...NOTHING. You die and you're unconscious and us humans are nothing special and there is no higher power. If that's the case...there's no point in contemplating it because I'll be dead and unconcious and so unconcious that I just won't be giving a shit!
But, it sucks...cause I'm no longer concious...and there's something reassuring and harmonious about the idea of a spirit living on...whether its bullshit or not.

5. Reincarnation...
I HATE this option...like I like it better than purgatory cause BORING, but I don't want to do this life all over again, and I surely don't want to be a Hindu and redo it as like a ladybug or something...fuck that. If I get reincarnated as a ladybug I'm jumping off a bench or something and killing myself and trying again. Doing this life once is enough for me. I've had enough insecurities, betrayals, sadness, and happiness for an eternity...I got no interest in doing another round. By the time I get to the end of my life I'm hoping I'll be one shot away from throwing up...if I get reincarnated...I will hav taken that next shot, and now am sick as a dog. It's like people who want to go parachuting ONCE but never wanna do it again? That's life...I got the experience, I'm over it..onto other things.

Here's my issue...my whole life on this planet I'm judged. Judged by friends, family lovers, etc. and if there is a higher power, my whole life is being judged by him! Why can't it be...that when I die...I don't have to be judged anymore? All the options religion leaves me with is being judged! All the options sound like work whether it be emotional or physical...We spend our whole lives working, working working. Working for ourselves our kids our lovers our friends...I don't want to fucking work after I die! I don't want to work for the devil, I don't want to work for god...and I don't want to sit in a white room with my thumb up my ass...Here's what I want...I want a good sleep...so this is my plea to god...God...if you are up there...I don't want to immediately go to heaven...let me sleep for a couple thousand years first...let me enjoy my time off...because if life is work and the after-life is work...I better get some kind of retirement in the middle.

So, what am I trying to say here? No matter what you believe in, you're screwed. Whether it's heaven, hell, purgatory, nothing, reincarnation...all the options suck, so enjoy your time here. As limp bizkit brilliantly once said, "One day you'll see things My Way, cause you never know, no, you never know...when you're gonna go."

I am not here to explain my own belief, all I hope is that no matter what happens to me after I die..I get a little time to rest beforehand. If there is some great adventure after death...I'd love to experience it with Billy Mays...but let me get some nice eternal shut-eye first...and if there isn't eh fuck it..you can all mourn...I'll be fucking SLEEEEPPIIINNNGGGG.

Addendum:

Have you noticed that we tell all people to "Rest in Peace"? Why is that? Like it's the last thing we say to murderers before we use the death penalty. Don't we kill them for justice? Why would we want them to rest in peace? Isn't that the opposite of hell? If you are christian or believe in hell why would you ever tell a bad person to rest in peace...hell doesn't sound like peace.....right?
We need something to say to bad people that's not rest in peace, cause like those people...I don't want their rest to be peaceful, I want them to be woken up by alarms, and get itchy, and have the sun wake them up..right before they fall asleep the dog should lick their face...they should have bad dreams...why should they have a peaceful rest?
Also, maybe I don't want to rest in peace..maybe I want to rest in anger, or just loudly. Maybe I want to yell while I'm resting. Why do you have to be so forceful?...rest in peace. How about, rest in peace...if you want.
I can't sleep under pressure, so I sure as shit can't rest peacefully for eternity with you telling me to rest in peace!

Michael Jackson we'll miss you.
You are like an oreo.
Black or white, both parts of you were delicious.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Off-Color Theatre Company/ Fundraising letter





Though usually this blog is just about my attempts at comedy, today I have some exciting news.
As you all know, if you read this blog, I dropped out of school last semester to pursue comedy...and my first step toward achieving success is officially underway.
I have started a theatre company...The Off-Color Theatre company here, where I live, Philadelphia. It is a theatre company that performs different, quirky, audience engaged comedy in the city. It's all about making people laugh. Our website is up and it's www.offcolortheatrecompany.org
Check the website out, I wrote all of the content for it.
Our first show is called "Bailout! The Live Action Sitcom" I am the head writer of the project and an actor in it and can tell you it's very funny. If you like what I do on this website, you'll like the show, if you don't like what I do on this site...three other writers helped me write it, so you'll like it anyway.
Under me is the fundraising letter we sent out to everyone we knew.
Read it...if you are in Philadelphia, make sure to come see the show and buy tickets (they will be available in a couple weeks) if you have any money to spare and want to help out a comedian who is trying to bring good comedy to the world...go to the website and donate via paypal or check.
My hope is to be doing this for a long time...
Anyway, here is the fundraising letter, and I promise after that we'll be back to my stupid, angry jokes.
Thanks guys,
David Schwartzbaum

Dear Friends,

Let’s face it; the world is going down the toilet. The economy has hit rock bottom, the job market is tanking, there is turmoil in the Middle East (but when was there not?) and the worst travesty, by far: Starbucks is no longer making decaf coffee after 12 noon. As you’re reading this, you might be saying to yourself, “Yes David, that is true, but what can I do? How can I stop American culture from spiraling into oblivion?”!
There is a solution! In difficult times you’ve got to laugh. When there are troubles, hardships, or just annoyances in our lives, we must turn to humor. The only true way to raise the human spirit is to make each other laugh. The Off-Color Theatre Company has been founded on this principal and we are asking for your support.

The Off-Color Theatre Company is dedicated to:

Providing opportunities to young and talented artists to learn and explore the evolution of comedy in the Philadelphia area.

Engaging the audience in theatre,making them part of the comedy experience from inception to performance

Educating and entertain through the exploration of theatre that is progressive and unique using all different mediums of comedy.

Our crew has already played to a few packed houses and proved that our lofty goals can be achieved. Now we need your help to bring comedy and laughter—in all its forms—to everyone in the Philadelphia area.

Come be part of a new and revolutionary theatre company as an official Savior Of Comedy. We understand it’s a tough time to give money. Any contributions, large or small, can make a big difference and we will warmly welcome you into the Off Color Theatre family. Plus, to thank you for your generosity, Saviors Of Comedy benefactors will be featured in our programs as well as special offers on tickets (or not if you’d like to remain anonymous).

We have set up a PayPal account where you can easily and safely give money to the cause. Simply click here to donate now at our website! http://www.offcolortheatrecompany.org/ On the website you'll find information about our first show and the upcoming season, links to donate using paypal, suggested donation amounts, and hopefully some material that will make you giggle.

If you would like to send a check, make it out to Off Color Comedy Theatre c/o and mail it to:

Off-Color Theatre Company
PO BOX 22553
Philadelphia, PA 19110

Feel free to contact us at offcolortheatrecompany@gmail.com with any questions, clever puns or catch up on old times.

Sincerely,

David Schwartzbaum
Mark Jesse Swanson
www.offcolortheatrecompany.org

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

People hate Jews! SURPRISE! ok....and???

I've got to tell you. I don't understand the huluhbuhloo about the shooting at the holocaust memorial museum today. Someone tried to walk into a museum to kill people, couldn't so killed a security guard, and then security immediately responded and shot the crazy dude...ok? Now, it sucks when someone is murdered, especially a security guard who is supposed to protect us...but isn't that his job? Like...doesn't he sign up for this when he gets the job? Like, one of the symptoms of Valtrex is Diharrea, one of the symptoms of working security at a very sensitive place is death! It just is! It's still tragic and unnecessary..but hes a security guard! Thank god we had the other security guard there, in the same danger as the other guy to kill the guy.

NOW, I'm not discounting the situation. Someone died, someone tried to get into the holocaust memorial in DC and kill people...got that...but he didn't. This wasn't some brilliant Al-Queida plot! This was a crazy, 88 year old white supremicist who wanted to kill some kikes before he died! That's it! AND he didn't get to do it! That's the irony! He's looking down from heaven, or up from hell or sideways from pergatory and going "DAMMIT!" and shaking his white supremacist fist (cause the white fist is their symbol).

People are saying "oh this is a wake-up call. You see. The Jews are still targets"...well no shit sherlock. A WAKE UP CALL? When was Anti-semitism asleep? Was I in a coma the last 2500 years? I don't need a crazy white supremicist to shoot someone at the Holocaust memorial to remind myself (as a Jew) that people hate us. Forget that 60 years ago was the Holocaust (but never forget...hehe) We have groups like Hezbollah, Hamas, RIGHT NOW, which were started on one foundation...destruction of Jews! (it's kind of a compliment when you think about it.) Go on facebook, search Israel...you'll get more anti-israel groups, events than pro ones. Type in Holocaust...plenty of holocaust denying groups, events. What does Achmadinijad think of the Jews? Kimberly Jon Ill? I don't think they likes us very much. You would have to be absolutely retarded not to know people hate the Jews on this planet. You'd need to be deaf, dumb, blind and stupid to not realize there's antisemitism on this planet. Many Europeans blame the Jews for the financial crisis! So, excuse me if I don't cringe with fear when one crazy old guy tries to kill some Jews! Over 30 Jews have died this year in Israel from terrorist attacks, couple weeks ago people were arrested for trying to blow up a synogauge...IN NEW YORK (no press coverage on that), hundreds injured in pakistan in a terrorist attack this week...but ONE CRAZY DUDE Killing one security guard is news? Why?

The big talk now is this homeland security report that Obama got that " warned against anti-semetic violence". WHERE? America? Israel? Ethiopia? Russia? Germany? Poland? Brazil? Venezuela? Dominican Republic? All places that in the last hundred years there's been anti-semitic attacks and more!? Give me a break! What did you want Obama to do? Put metal detectors at the museum...wait there were...bag checks? Also there! Have security stop the guy from getting in? IT SUCCEDED!! That's exactly what was there!
He was warned against anti-semetic violence....ok...so this month's homeland security report said be warned about anti-semetic attacks...and I bet you EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HOMELAND SECURITY REPORT FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS HAS SAID THE SAME SHIT! It's not even typed anymore...it's a stamp at the bottom of the report..."Oh...don't forget...people are going to try and kill Jews this month.

People hate Jews! That's how it is! Whether they have good reason or not, as sure as the sun rising, and shia Lebouf being a douchebag, people hate Jews! It's just what it is! They always will! So, why is this some surprise. Yes, it was on very sacred land...the holocaust Memorial in the U.S... but, so what? That should be expected! You think terrorists would rather blow up a house or a synogauge? The holocaust museum or the Kosher bakery? Come on!

What I'm trying to say is...this is not a reminder...this attack is not a new wave of attacks...to me it seems to be ONE CRAZY 88 year old man who like another billion people on this planet hate the Jews. So, no...I'm not reminded of anything, I'm not scared for more attacks...because I know more attacks will be coming...like they have for 3,000 years!

To me...today was a success...a man tried to kill out of hate and failed. I thank and praise the security guard who died today...I wish he didn't. I wish we didn't have sick fucks like this white supremacist ass hole on this planet.but we do...and the security guard did his job...protecting the sanctity of the site. Wish he didn't have to die to do it...but life isn't fucking fair.

People hate Jews. People want to and like to kill Jews.
SURPRISE EVERYBODY! While you sit huddled and scared, I'm going to get a bagel.
Goodbye


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Sweet Carradine Oh Oh Oh. (and George Tiller)

Oh death...it scares the shit out of us all doesn't it? But it will happen...oh yes it will. Put down your bibles...it's gonna happen The sweet, sweet delight of death will happen sooner rather than later...for others it happened this week. I'm talking about two great men who died this week David Carradine and George Tiller...two very different men, who died in very different ways, but shoud be remembered just the same...as heroes.
Let's talk about David Carradine. I didn't know him very well...sure I saw him in "Kill Bill" but either than that...I'm 19...I didn't know any of the other shit he did. So, why do I consider him a hero? Well, the police are going around, they are looking to see if this was a suicide, an accidental suicide or whatever...but we all know what it is. My boy David Carradine was in Thailand! He was 72 years old! He tied a rope around his dick and his neck to get himself hard, probably with a hooker in the apartment, and tied it too hard. Some men, get horny through a loss of oxygen...and hey...don't judge...it's just as weird as getting your ass hole tickled...which you can lie about, but we all like it. This man died, exactly how every man wants to die...horny. Most people, when they die, they aren't mid-orgasm...they are old, weak, unhealthy. This guy Carradine was probably hard as a fucking rock! I mean, he had to be with those ropes around his genitals! If this was a suicide, he only decided to kill himself at that moment because he thought "this is EXACTLY how I want to die." Now, some people think we shouldn't think of Carradine like that...like some guy who likes to exphixiate himself to get off...but at 72...what other options do you have? The guy wanted to get his rocks off, god bless him...it wound up killing him...but hey is there a more noble cause to die for than trying to orgasm? I don't think so. "How'd this guy die?" "He was trying to get a boner". It is all understood.
God bless David Carradine. I mean it. Here is a man who knew what he liked, and what he liked was a loop around his balls.

On the completely opposite side of the spectrum is Geoge Tiller. My man. He was one of the few doctors left in the country who performed late term abortions and then raped the fetuses (ok I made the raping part up). This guy didn't give a SHIT. Everyone knows how I feel about abortion (if you don't check out the abortion blog below somewhere) I'm for it. I think we got too many whiny brats on the planet as it is..if we can kill them before they cry, so be it. People always argue with me and they say "David what if you were aborted" I usually respond "I'd be in a much happier place right now." Or I respond "Yeah...but we also could have aborted Hitler." Just think about it...Anyway, I'm pro abortion, we all get this, so I really believe what Tiller did was noble. He used to always preach that women know what they want with their bodies...makes fucking sense to me. I don't understand the whole "god's plan" arguement with abortion too...maybe it was god's plan to give us free will, to give us the choice to abort the baby! I mean, couldn't the baby's purpose be to be aborted? Like... I know some crazy fucking Jews who think that Hitler's purpose was to help the Jews get a state in Israel. So, if God is crazy enough to murder 6 million Jews just so the Jews can have some land, don't you think that he's crazy enough to let Jimmy abort one baby so he uses a condom next time? Seems like a good life lesson to me...use a condom or kill a baby...most will choose to use a condom...me? I'll enjoy the sex more knowing I could possibly be killing a baby at the end of it.
I don't know...this poor man George Tiller...shot in the head, at his church nonetheless! Even Satan is looking up and going, "shit...that's just not right." At least wait till he's in his car! Until the services are over! If god likes to be prayed to, and likes these massive churches we're building for him, you think he wants you to interrupt his service with slaughter? This isn't 100 B.C. We're not sacrificing animals anymore. I just don't understand certain religious people...it's not ok to "murder" a fetus, but it's totally ok to blow a hole into a middle-aged man's skull? HUH? WHAT? That's like saying it's not ok to jack off, but it's ok if you jack off on a hooker's face since she's sinning anwyay.

Two people died this week...Both died for doing what they loved...Getting off and giving abortions. I could not think of two men I am more proud of. I think if you were to combine their deaths into one epic death, you would get the greatest death ever...Imagine dying mid-orgasm while giving a late term abortion...a dream come true. I can only hope my death is that fantastic, and that some fat 19 year old can make fun of it only a couple days after I die.
RIP David Carradine
and enjoy Hell George Tiller...I'll see you soon. Maybe we can get a cup of coffee and talk about how boring this year's NBA finals is going to be.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

BONNIE SCHWARTZBAUM FOR NORTH MIAMI CITY COUNCIL


For those of you who do not know me on a personal level, or just don't care. My mother is awesome. She is currently running for City Council of North Miami. I have purposely not blogged about it yet because I in no way want my blog to incriminate her election, but oh my...when the election is over on Tuesday do I have stories...woof.
ANYWAY,
She is in a runoff...She can use all the help she can get, whether that mean campaigning (we live in north Miami FL, if you live nearby please help) or donations....anything from 25 to 1 million dollars helps. But, if you have one million dollars to spare and you read my blog...why aren't you giving it to me to help with my shitty career?
Anyway, check out my mother's website www.electbonnie.com to donate or just to check her out. E-mail me if you want to volunteer davids1492@gmail.com
She is the opposite of me in every way:
Sweet, kind, blonde haired, nice, and fit. She deserves our support!
If you know anyone who lives in North Miami...tell me! Or give them a call, and tell them to vote for Bonnie Schwartzbaum because her obnoxious son told you so!
I'll be working on her campaign and runoff all fucking week...early voting starts tomorrow, official election day is tuesday.
WE'RE GONNA FUCKING KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!
BONNIE! BONNIE! BONNIE! BONNIE!
It's time to suck the nipples of North Miami and drink its sweet milk...and Bonnie will help us get those nipples hard.
Bonnie For North Miami City Council District 3.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Kris Allen won, so god won.

Wow...the 93rd season of American Idol is over...and the world has been set on fire by the announcement that Kris Allen has "upset" Adam Lambert. But, anyone who knows god (like I do) and who talks to him on a one on one basis (like I pretend I do) knew Kris Allen was going to win from the start. First off, we should set the record straight, god doesn't like popularity contests in general, I mean, that's why he invented Catholicism...wasn't enough reasons to hate him until Jesus showed up. But, when he saw this one he had to intervene. What people don't realize is God decides everything from the tiny unimportant things like our foreign policy decisions, to the important ones like nba champions and who wins the Best in Show dog tournaments. So, just like how god rewarded the saintly New York Giants with the Super bowl two years ago, and the celtics last year with the championships (read previous blogs) this year, he let Kris Allen defeat Adam Lambert. Three reasons why I KNEW god wouldn't let Adam Lambert Win:
1. Kris Allen is a married heterosexual. Adam Lambert is gay. I mean, this is simple guys. The bible states that homosexuality is an abomination...so a gay person winning American Idol would be...an ABOMONATION! That's right...you got it. God can't let that happen, not under his watch...and we've seen it before! Clay Aiken...runner up..God doesn't hate gays...he just feels like they should always be the straight guy's animated, lively, fun sidekick like Tails with Sonic or Lance Bass to Justin Timberlake. The bible says we were all created in god's image...then god must be a lot of different colors and like a lot of different things in a lot of different holes if that's the case.

2. Kris allen was born in Arkansas. You can't get more American then Arkansas, I mean Arkansas has 3 A's in it, and America starts with the letter A...that's already a sign. Plus, if you pronounce arkansas, the way it's spelled you say ARK-N-SAUCE, and that sounds like a delicious treat. Ark-N-Sauce...hmm sounds like something Noah might have taken on the ark with him? Where was the butt loving Adam Lambert born? Satan Diego California, a hop, skip and a buttfuck away to Satan Francisco, California. Allen was a little boy from Arkansas, versus some gay guy from California...and just as Schwarzzeneger has learned recentlly...there's no winning in California.

3. Look at the Jobs they had before Idol...Lambert performed with the Zodiac group...a group of artists put together by none other than the idol worshipping Pussycat dolls. Yes...the same ones who asked if we could "loosen up their buttons". The answer is no pussycats, I can't loosen up your buttons, but I'd be more than happy to tighten your chastity belts for you...it's god's way. These singers from hell, were obviously trying to use Lambert to brainwash you...while what did Kris Allen do before Idol? Well, first he was a worship leader at a church in Arkansas, and then he went travelling to Morocco, Burma, South Africa, and more spreading the name of god all over the world...wow...that Kris Allen sure knows how to kiss god's ass.

It's simple...we have two guys.
A married, heterosexual chiselled looking man from Arkansas (the bible belt) who enjoys prayer and converting other people to his beliefs
and then we had
A homosexual rocker with piercings, dyed hair, and a cocky attitude (im getting hot just thinking about it) from Satan country of California...
this is an easy one guys...
the winner is Allen

FINAL WORD:
Some of you might still be upset...but don't be..Kris Allen winning is all part of god's plan. Just like when you miscarried, or when a close friend dies, or when you're 6 and your hamster you put in the microwave dies...it was all part of god's master plan...I hope we can learn something from all of this...first that we should not idolize anyone, especially human beings with special talents, that's why churches everywhere have beautiful gold idols (sorry i mean statues) of Jesus and Mary in them...American IDOL!? Unacceptable..remember the 3rd and fourth commandments! (but forget the ones about the Sabbath, it doesn't apply anymore right Pope Benedict?) and two...if you're going to be trying to win a popularity contest in the USA...it helps not to be gay...because sadly, All of the USA is not Massachusetts....and cause god likes the pussy...just ask Mary.

Good luck Kris Allen! I will be not following your career, and certainly couldn't give a shit when your album comes out....the only cd I own is the bible on tape...narrated by Morgan Freeman's born again brother (the voice isn't the same, but the soul is as potent as the Mana from the desert.)

Goodnight you guys.
And GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu? A gift from the Almighty?

So, the new craze nowadays is getting Swine Flu. You've heard about this right? People are concerned about a pandemic happening. 103 Mexicans have died and we're screaming pandemic? A hundred Mexicans? Please, a hundred Mexicans die every time there's a KKK meeting in Texas. I've killed a hundred Mexicans before when working at Taco Bell (at least I think they were mexican...?) There's also been about 20 more cases found in Canada, U.S. and the Netherlands. All the people infected with the disease were high school students who went to Cancun for spring break...OH! So, the people infected are Rich ass hole high school kids who can afford to go to Mexico for Spring Break...I say let them die! YAY! For Swine flu! I hope it continues to prey on some ass hole kids. Fuck those kids. That's what you get for being 16 and going to a foreign country, and fucking women much hotter than you will ever find here in America and me not going. I should feel bad for you? PLEASE.
This shit is not a pandemic! We have a cure!
According to the AP "This new strain can be treated with Tamiflu and Relenza". OH NO! A TREATABLE DISEASE! AHHHHHH! What's next? A Pandemic for the common cold? Almost everyone in the world gets a cold at least once a Winter! Run to the hills!
Am I the only one who sees how ridiculous this is?
First off...the disease is called Swine Flu...so I can't get it...it has pig in it and I'm Jewish...it just wouldn't be kosher (part of the overall Global Jewish Conspiracy. )
Secondly, I think this sickness is a gift from god himself. Look what it's killing:
Mexicans, annoying High Schoolers, and poor people who can't afford the medicine...if we could just throw in some evangelicals, this would be the perfect disease!
In all seriousness, I feel like every summer we go through some sort of Pandemic outrbreak. A few years ago it was West Nile Virus, Avian Bird Flu, and Mad Cow disease...remember these? All it did was kill some old and poor people..and we were over it, and those diseases we didn't really even have cures for! This disease...we have two cures for! The blue pill or the red pill!
Look...I'm all about a good disease. Throw me another AIDS, or cancer...I mean, Cancer sucks...that shit is a pandemic...but this Swine flu? Just don't be disgusting and wash your fucking hands...and if you don't feel well go to a doctor, where they have the antibiodic to fix you! If you don't feel well, and don't go to a doctor, and die of Swine flu...you probably deserved it...and in my opinion...then god his job.
In conclusion, Some people see the hand of god the planet's alignments, some see it in the animals of this world, and how they all seem to be in some sort of perfect pattern of motion...I see the hand of god in this Swine flu disease...The murdering of annoying and gross people...and I don't have to raise a finger, simply praise and adore my savior.
So, Fuck Swine Flu...it's bullshit, AND
God Bless Swine Flu!

Friday, March 20, 2009

(Brazilian) Waxing Poetic

So, there is bad news everywhere right now. Unemployment is sky high, the recession is bad, our president made fun of retarded people on the tonight show last night...nothing is going right...BUT the worst news of them all. The most terrible current news is that...New Jersey plans on banning the Brazilian wax. THE BRAZILIAN WAX! The only good thing to ever come out of south America, either than the Arepa. This is awful! Without the brazilian wax I won't be able to have the pleasure of fucking a 20 year old girl while her vagina looks like a pre-pubescent 11 year old girl's. We're going crazy in this country! We need to get our priorities straight. Now, for those who don't know the issue, the reason they are banning the brazilian wax is because sometimes, the waxing can lead to ingrown hairs and pain in the genitals. So, let me get this straight. A state is going to ban a cosmetic procedure because of some pussyburn? We have people die on operating tables fixing the bags under their eyes so instead of looking like normal 65 year olds they can look like 65 year olds with a face ironed onto their skull, but GOD FORBID we let ingrown hairs and some discomfort occur to our genitals (unless you like that sort of thing ;). What's next? Do we ban cock rings and whips? Let me just say, the day we ban cock rings is the day I move to Canada...or the holy land...where cock rings are legal as god intended them to be!
Now, on a personal note (since I feel so close to you all) I'm not a fan of the brazilian wax. I feel like a vagina needs to have a little hair, whether it's a little triangle, or a landing strip, or a forest...Just because...I don't like having sex with 9 year olds (unless they have great boobies). So, if there is any doubt that this woman I'm making out with is not a girl but not yet a woman...I can pull down the pants and go...alright ready for take off. I also really like the landing strip because it helps me aim, it says land down here please, and you ladies know how bad we men are with aiming, just look at your toilet seats. I think the landing strip wax should come with the wax (of course) and two tiny men with orange lights waving me in...then, I would have no issue ever with finding the right hole.
The brazilian wax just freaks me out a little bit I guess...that's all. Like, I guess I kind of use the hair as a safety blanket. It just fits in with the ratio and proportions of everything else. THAT'S where the hair is, so THAT'S the pee hole...etc...etc. A brazilian wax is too much for me because the whole vagina is out there to see. It's just BAM! in your face, staring back at you with it's one sensitive eye. It's like looking into the eyes of a bear...it's beautiful, its majestic, but you don't know if it's going to charge at you and maul you to death or roll over and share its honey with you (it's usually the first one). The vagina is intense ladies...I've gotten lost in a vagina's eyes before, and sometimes have never been able to recover.
I guess it comes down to our civil liberties. If someone wants to put warm wax on their vagina and rip tiny hairs off...god bless you. I'll be over two days later when the swelling is down to rub my nose in it (gross right?). I mean, people stick needles into their clits to put medal rings there...that seems a little crazier than some wax on your kooch. If people want discomfort they are more than welcome to have it for personal reasons. It's our civil liberties, like voting and abortions... cause let's be honest, all babies really are is vaginal discomfort.
Finally, this would also ban brazilian waxes for men. That means, there are actually men on this planet who put wax on their balls and rip...OUCH! As Austin Powers once said completely out of context to this, "You don't kick a man in the pills...it's just not cricket, no matter how evil (or gay) he is." Getting rid of Brazilian waxes would be the ULTIMATE kick in the pills (Literally and Figuratively).
Don't do it New Jersey...everybody already hates you enough. You're like the tan lines on the beautifully formed body of the U.S.A.! Don't make yourselves the hairy Bush of America too!
Even Bruce Springsteen wouldn't be in love with a Jersey Girl anymore if this law was passed.
Look. I know times are tough...and we look for answers in crazy places to make us feel like we're in control, like vagina waxings and Churches, but Let's all remember who the real victims of something like this would be...the children. Because they would be growing up in a world where they wouldn't be able to have sex with a 25 year old woman with an 11 year old's vagina...and isn't that the American dream? Eternal youth? The ability to imagine how delicious underage Miley Cyrus would be. The old Olsen Twins fetishes. Britney Spears in her schoolgirl outfit at 16. THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM! Young pussy! And the closest we can get to that (without being arrested) is the brazilian wax.
I remind you what it says on our statue of Liberty New Jersey:
Give us your tired, your poor, your weak, your huddled hairy vaginas. WE TAKE ALL VAGINAS IN THIS COUNTRY FROM THE HAIRIEST TO THE BAREST!
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the hairiest one of all? New Jersey of course my dear.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
USA USA USA (and brazil) USA USA USA


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Abstinence doesn't work...let's fuck!

It's official. Hold your breath...sit down...hide the kids...the seemingly impossible has happened...Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin...have broken up. These two abstinent kids who had a child together and then were forced to pretend to be happy and in love for their mother's vice presidential campaign have ended their pure, godly relationship. It's one of those situations, where you think to yourself, "if they can't do it...who can?" With divorce at all-time highs...you look at this Modern Romeo and Juliet couple and you just sigh. What did it? What made them break up? Lose their love? Was it money? Was one unfaithful? Or are they 18 and 19 year old kids with a baby...?

According to the latest statistics, teaching abstinence doesn't work...at all. Actually, most studies say it has the opposite affect, that it makes kids want to fuck more. And why wouldn't it? When I was a teenager, if my mom told me to take out the garbage I wouldn't do it, let alone fuck. If all my teachers and family are saying don't fuck someone, don't fuck someone, I'm going to fuck out of spite! Then, realize how fantastic it is and keep fucking...of course without a condom or birth control because I never learned about those things from my teachers or parents im fucking by fucking.
We are dealing with teenagers! Use reverse psychology. Tell them to have lots of sex! Tell them it doesn't matter whether it's a male or a female or beast...I know that may be hard for the 52 percent who voted against Prop 8 in California, but give it a shot...Tell your teenage son he can fuck guys...I promise he'll try it out and go..."eh." Or, he'll like it and he'll be gay. At least he won't be a fucking depressive. And if you know what's best for him, send him to one of those camps. Those camps where their concentration is on making sure "confused" boys realize they are straight not gay. They help the boys concentrate on women, and marriage...I think they are called concentration camps.

Look. I'm not a proponent for sex-ed. Sex-ed fucked me over... I would've gotten laid much more if it wasn't for sex-ed. It educated me. It taught me about STDs and conception. That shit FREAKED ME OUT. It made me RESPONSIBLE for my actions. It made me realize that it was my job to keep my dick from falling off...not god's or mom's or anyone's. It was AWFUL. I didn't want any secretion coming from my cock. It's made me paranoid about sex all together...so I had less of it, and when I did have it...I used protection! Do you know how much better sex is without a condom! It's like eating Ice cream from a cone instead of a cup. It's like sour cream in your burrito...It's like Jumping off a plane, your first parachute not working, but then your spare kicks in and OHHHH YEAAAHHH.. Sweet...sweet landing. BUT we use them anyway...we use condoms for protection.
First of all, you better BELIEVE I use a condom, and the thicker the better...(this is where the sex-ed paranoia kicks in) I'm talking about, if i could encase marble around my cock I would... If I could use like, the force energy shields from star wars around my cock I would...and the possibility of having a BABY? All my guys have to do is swim to an egg? HELL NO. I WISH I was taught abstinence. You know how much more I'd be getting laid? It'd be Hakuna Matata man, no worries! You look cute...do you have an open vagina?..yes? ALRIGHT LET'S FUCK!
I mean, wasn't that the conversation between levi and bristol...uninhibited baby! Let's go crazy, you throw away your pills, I'll throw away my latex and we'll make a baby! (I meant that metaphorically).
I guess, what I'm trying to say here is that...we should learn a deeper message from these two lovers... these two lovers who tried to work it out for the baby against the toughest of odds and it didn't work...abortion is always the best option.
To abortion! To Abstinence teaching! ALWAYS the two best options...NO MATTER WHAT! It's what god would want.

Monday, February 23, 2009

My generation is a bunch of pussies -F My Life

There is a new website sweeping the nation right now. It is www.fmylife.com.
It is a website dedicated to retarded kids writing about just TERRIBLE stuff happening to them, and ending it with -FML- or Fuck my life.
Examples of these TERRIBLE travesties that happen to kids are such as,
"i said to my mom today, did u loose weight? and she said back yeah.... and i think u found it. FML" (that was not a typo on my part, the kid can't spell lose)
or
"Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML"
OH NO! You're 16 years old and your parents are still happily married with a healthy sex life! Poor you! That's awful! Imagine if your parents were divorced, or if your mother was a widow...that's something to FML about! Or if you lived in Niger where famine is their biggest issue...you know...trying to eat...I bet they'd be HAPPY to eat nipple cream.

When did we become such pussies? When did my generation become such wimps? This website proves it. There are TWO wars going on right now, an economic depression all over the world, genocides and mass murders in Africa, and you mistaking a girl's insulin reader for a cellphone is a travesty. Enough for you to say Fuck my life!. I want to make a new site...a site where people actually have a reason to fuck their lives... I want someone to post on that site, "yesterday my wife of 10 years left me for my best friend, my mother was shot in the face by my ex and both my legs were hacked off by a "Jason" look-a like FML.
THERE'S A GUY WHO SHOULD BE PUTTING A GUN UP TO HIS HEAD! That's someone whose life is fucked.
How about, "last night, I took a hundred pills and put a bag on my head, hoping to die, but this morning I woke up FML."
I just mean, is this the shit my generation are going to be remembered for? Being pussies? We are all so fucking self-centered! I mean, could you imagine a little fucking Ethiopian whining that his mom found her boyfriend's bra? No...because many aren't healthy enough to have sex! Could you imagine someone from Sudan writing one of these? "I was laying in my bed when a large black man broke into our house killed my father in front of my eyes, raped and killed my mother, slaughtered my sister, shot me up with heroin and made my a fighter in their rebel army against my will. FML." THAT'S an FML!!
We can barely wait five minutes in line for a subway sub without shitting ourselves, now we hate our lives because we have to train our ex girlfriends at Starbucks...oh no! PROFESSIONALISM! AHHHHH.
Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe it's just a fun website...or maybe this is the problem with this planet. We have all these kids all upset and depressed over bullshit...popping pills to be "happier" when they should all stop being pussies. Instead of being upset that your mother is better looking than you, go out and exercise, or vomit, I don't give a shit, but don't fucking whine. Once you're past kindergarten you shouldn't be allowed to whine, and if you do you should be punched right in the face. Right square in the jaw. That'll toughen you up. A little Chris Brown On Rihanna Education is what we need...WHACK!
Life sucks, I get it, we all do...but suck it up god dammit. You know what makes life worse? People bitching and complaining about stupid shit? If your life sucks so much....kill yourself, it will make my life a little better. If your life doesn't suck enough that you want to put a gun to your own head, then you probably shouldn't want to F your life. But, if you do...if it's too much to handle that you forgot to take your socks off in a tanning booth and you're big formal is tonight, then by ALL MEANS...Fuck your life...and PLEASE pull the trigger, so I don't have to FML.



Monday, February 16, 2009

Life Sucks...But who better than me to cheer you up!

Let's not lie to each other...Life sucks right now. The economy is bad, unemployment is rising, the nfl season is over, and worst of all...I had to pay 89 cents for one red delicious apple today...it's total bullshit. 89 cents? throw in the tax, and you're looking at basically a dollar...for one apple...COME ON! Even the apple is thinking to itself, really? A dollar...? I'm not THAT great.
Anyway, life sucks..and worse...you are going to die sooner or later and you know it...so what to do? How do you get cheered up in these tough economic times? Well, here's some news, thoughts, ideas, or objects that can just cheer you up!

4. Good news! You are now more likely to die from cancer than a heart attack! For the first time ever Cancer is more deadly than heart disease! YAAYYY! Mazel Tov Cancer, you've clawwed your way up the disease ladder. I'm sure the victoms of Cancer aren't as pleased that it's now number one...but well...we all do things regret to reach the top (one time I went to a Dave Matthews concert...I know...I know...) and so now that cancer is number one I'm sure it will slow down...oh...what's that?...it's not?...oh well then...Sinman Tov U Mazel Tov! U mazel Tov e sinman tov! For all you non-jews, what i just wrote is a jewish song of celebration..the rough translation is "I found a dollar in a blown up palestian's shoe!" Repeat that several times...you've got our song. SPEAKING of the arabs and Jews, I have our number 3:

3. There is still war in the middle east! YAY! War in the middle east is a constant in this world, it as normal in our lives as the sun coming up in the morning and a palestinian mosque going down at night, and as part of our daily routine like not eating is for Lynsay Lohan (unless it's carpet...OH!). I think conflict in the middle east is like the magnetic fields of the planets...if there were none, the world would implode. But, the people who are the happiest about the war are the evangelicals because as long as the Jews are dying there is a chance Jesus is coming back! I guess it's now understood why people have been killing Jews for all of history...it's just because they were just trying to speed up the coming of the messiah! I get it now...thank you hitler! I mean, it didn't work, but that's because we just didn't let you finish that "solution" you had...what was it again? Oh..kill ALL the Jews...well, I think that would defeat the purpose. So, be happy everyone...there's still war in the middle east!!! Jews vs. Arabs: this time, it's personal....again. OH! JEWS! That transitions me perfectly to number two.

2. According to the Anti-defamtion league...or NAMBLA (totally stole that joke from the Daily show, but who cares, it's hysterical) the number one most hated culture/religion/race, for the 5000th year in a row (ok. ok...they haven't had the ADL that long, but since its inception) is the jews! Now, hold on...the reason this is interesting is because the blacks almost caught up this year...but...BUT the economic crisis threw it to the Jews! YES! YES! As a Jew, I'd like to thank the academy, my mother, she always knew I could do it...for the 5,000th year in a row, and of course...I'd like to thank God...without him, none of this hate would be possible. According to new polls, 31 percent of Europeans believe the Jews are the cause of the Economic crisis...31 percent! But, you have to forgive them because 100 percent of those 31 percent of Europeans think George W. Bush is Jewish. YAY! BE HAPPY JEWS! WE DID IT! MAZEL TOV! YOU FOUND THAT DOLLAR IN THAT BLOWN UP PALESTINIAN'S SHOE! AND YOU ARE STILL THE MOST HATED!

Now, I'm not a mean guy, nor am I stupid. I get the irony in the last three things...none of them are very happy...So, these next thing...the number ONE thing is actually something you can use to make you happy...suggest it to anyone....

1.Whenever I'm upset, I like to endulge in a film. So, does most of the U.S.A. Recent numbers show that this is the biggest january and February ever for movie theatres. But, nowadays, how do I know what movie to go see, buy, rent, or illegally watch online? That process could be very difficult, but I have a new system to find films, which I would like to share with you. There is a website http://www.kids-in-mind.com/ that helps you decide what movies to watch. You see, this website rates movies, for parents on a scale of 1-10 on three separate categories: Sex and nudity, Violence and gore, and profanity. Now, if a movie gets a one in all categories like the movie "Babe, Pig in the city" it has no nudity in it, violence, gore or profanity...in other words it's shit...not worth to watch...BUT..the new Friday the thirteenth got a 10, 10, and 9...that's an instant classic! Lots of sex, violence and language! I ask you, cheer yourself up...go on this website, find a nice ten in nudity and violence and enjoy yourself. Even better this site gives you the play-by-play of all nude scenes. For instance, I didn't want to see Kate Winslet's the reader (Nudity is a 9 for that!) But after I read the play by play from the website I HAD to watch it, an example: (no spoilers, promise) "A teen boy and a woman remove their clothing (her bare breasts, shoulders and abdomen, and his chest, legs and back are seen), and they have sex on a bed; her leg is raised to his shoulder, he thrusts and she moans.) I NEEDED to see this movie.
You see? You see how hot that is? It TOTALLY wanted to make me watch the movie, and even made something in my pants a little happy. So, I tell you...if you're unhappy (women skip to the next paragraph) Men, find something with a ten nudity, with a hot actress and enjoy the movie!
WOMEN: find a great film...a 10, 10, 10...make your night a perfect ten. Actually, according to the website, the greatest film of all time is...2007's Halloween...it's the only 10, 10, 10! It's a perfect ten for all the right reasons!
Pulp fiction comes in second with a 9 in nudity, and 10 in gore and profanity...sorry tarentino...you'll get them next time! Now, I get it...this website is for the opposite of why I'm advertising it...It's trying to warn parents away from profane films like the examples I've given you...but that's what makes it more fun to use the website!

Well, there you go. The top 5 things to help you out during these tough times...and if Kate Winslet's boobs and Vaj don't make you tickly and happy...you're just not human.
I'd like to make a toast to the things keeping my morals up during these hard times:
To Cancer, everlasting confilict in the middle east, hatred of Jews, and moviestar titties, and to life! L'Chaiim!
Be well all...and enjoy ALL of life's blessings.

Friday, January 30, 2009

The War of the Roses Art Museum

You know, I usually write this blog as an angry guy...but it's usually trivial stuff...stuff that should annoy me...but not to the level it actually does...and that's funny...and I get that...but today I'm going to talk about something that really and truly pisses me off. This is something that is sparking inside me like the blow dryer I put in Jimmy Carter's bathtub. What I am talking about is Brandeis' decision to close their museum on campus; The Rose art Museum. Now, I have a personal connection to Brandeis (my sister and brother are alumnus), but it's more than that god Dammit! it's more than that! They say that they are closing the museum due to financial struggles..that they are going to open up a fine arts complex in its place. A fine arts complex? What the fuck does that even mean? What makes a fine arts complex? A couple fucking rooms and studios, maybe a dark room...and BOOM! You've got a "fine arts complex". That's like telling people you're going to build a gym, and you build a basketball court! I mean...it is technically a gymnasium right? That's like telling someone you're going to fuck them and then put on a strap - on...IT'S NOT THE SAME THING! IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE A PENIS, IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE A PENIS, BUT IT'S NOT A FINE ARTS COMPLEX!
There's a bigger problem though...it's the precedent this closing states. We all know we are in tough economic times...and we all need to make sacrifices...but to sacrifice history? To sacrifice utter creativity? To sacrifice hard work and dedication? Because that's what art is. It's hard fucking work, it's hard fucking dedication to present something...this is what we sacrifice because we don't have money? It is the opposite of what any school should be saying...or what anyone on this planet should be saying. George W. Bush would close a museum to save money...cause he doesn't work...unless you consider hunting work, but hunting is too much fun to be work! The only time he ever worked is when he owned the texas rangers and they've been terrible for 20 years (he left...and they had the worst couple seasons of the franchise...sounds a little like America huh). My America embraces work... my America embraces creativity and helps it survive. The 60's would not have happened without the Beatles and Andy Warhol, the 70's without George Carlin, and so on. We need these creative minds to help depict our generation's message...and right now...with the closing of this museum...we are sending a different message, one that states that we just don't give a shit about what different way this generation is going to shape our planet.

I will say one awesome thing I've seen out of this...and this a hell yeah to all the artists out there. I think if Brandeis were to close...like a science lab...there'd be anger, but nothing like this...I mean, there was a sit-in today at the school! That's great! It's great because, and I'm speaking in generalities...Mexicans suck...haha just kidding (no I'm not) but I just thought I'd get you there...anyway, speaking in generalities, the visual arts kids are usually pretty quiet..and to see them coming out and protesting this closing is like if the soft spoken cows were stand -up and stop the production of hamburgers...and I'm happy to see that happen...especially if the cows began to have cognitive abilities...I'd really love that.
Passion people...it's why I get up every day...and there is an enormous passion in those works at that museum...you can't destroy passion...it's like AIDS...you might be able to keep it at bay for a while, but sooner or later it's going to kill you...wait a second...that wasn't a very good metaphor after all. Ok, Passion is like an orgasm...you can keep it pent up for a while...but sooner or later I'm going to explode on your face. NO, SHIT! That didn't work either! Well, I think you get the idea.
This closing is a slap in the face to any artist, or anyone who has ever enjoyed a painting.
Those paintings are America's History! Just like the genocide of millions of Native Americans!
VIVA LA ROSE ARTS MUSEUM!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

You ever notice (serial killer edition)

I Just had a couple naughty thoughts I thought people might appreciate...about murder...MWAHAHAHAHAHA

You ever notice on television, whenever a serial killer is captured, it seems like no one knew the guy could've been a serial killer. The neighbor is always on television dumfounded like, "he seemed like such a nice guy. I can't believe he murdered those 12 people and then made coats out of their genitalia."
I want to be a serial killer who everyone KNOWS is a serial killer. I mean, I want to give out all the hints. I want to get caught, and they interview my neighbor and he yells to the cameraman, "Yes! I saw it coming! That motherfucker David Schwartzbaum was crazy! He had hookers over all the time who never seemed to leave the house, whenever he would come outside to get the paper he'd be dressed in some sort of bird costume...all the neighborhood cats disappeared right around the time he moved in...he used to stand up on the roof naked howling at the moon! We called the cops hundreds of times! We knew that fucker was a serial killer!" That never seems to happen though...but maybe that's why the neighbor lived to tell about it?

You ever notice how, as a society...we put too tough of expectations on children of famous people? I mean, There is no way that Martin Luther King's son could/should be as great as his own father. Could you imagine the conversation someone might have about me if I was like...let's say Bono's son?
They'd be like, "That David, he just sits around all days and plays video games, he's got a minimum wage job at Subway...he wants to be a comedian?...he's nothing like his father Bono!"
That's why I want to be the son of a serial killer...because then the conversation about me would be very different because the expectations would be lower:
"That David, he just sits around all day and plays video games, he's got a minimum wage job at subway.he wants to be a comedian?..Yeah...but at least he didn't killed anybody!"

A couple words of wisdom and riddles to ask yourself...

If a hooker Dies in a forest, and no one is around to hear, she still doesn't have a soul.

The american heritage dictionary defines a serial killer as someone who "has murdered at least three different people in three separate occurences."
This makes Tim Allen the worst serial killer in showbiz:
Who did he kill you might ask?
1-5. The cast of Home Improvement
Poor Zachery Ty Brian, Patricia Richardson, Taran Noah Smith, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Richard Karn...(sob) they never saw it coming.
Last time I heard of richard karn...oh god...last time I saw Richard Karn...he lost the job of the host of Family Feud to Jay Peterman from Seinfeld! WHY TIM ALLEN!? WHYYY!!?

And the most heinous murder of his career??
6. Santa Claus
Evidence Against him?
The Santa Clause
The Santa Clause 2
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape clause

And of course...we can never excuse him for "For Richer or Poorer" with Kirstie Alley, they both should be locked in "Veronica's Closet" and hanged for that one.

I leave you with some levity...I appreciate you reading and (hopefully) enjoying some random ideas I've had about serial killing, but I always like to make you leave with a smile. When I was young, my mother always used to tell me this joke when I was upset:
"Today police found a body in a bathtub. The bathtub was filled with milk, cheerios, strawberries, and sliced up bananas. Police say this is the work of a Cereal Killer."

Anyway, just some random things I thought of while watching sportscenter...I know...I know...I REALLY need to see a therapist.





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Monday, January 19, 2009

Obama time to fix the things that PISS ME OFF!

I'm pissed off. Now, I know this might not surprise many of you, but what will surprise you is that I'm hopeful too. Because tomorrow our 44th President of the United States of America will be Barack Hussein Obama. You see, he is bringing change and hope to us all. Tomorrow, around noon, after he is inaugurated, only rainbows will be in the sky, Bin Laden will Spontaneously Combust, and EVERYONE'S gonna get laid...even the kids at the Heroes Convention are going to get blowjobs. So, many people are asking Obama for help...so, I have a couple things I need Mr. Obama to change...the top 5 things that are pissing me off RIGHT NOW...and how Mr. Obama can fix them. HERE WE GO!

5. Hot 15-16 year olds on Facebook.

Ok you little hot 16 year olds on facebook, with your little tiny bikini pictures, and sitcking your tongue out at the camera in that innocent, but naughty 16 year old way. You've got to stop. It's not fair. I'm 19 years old, and technically three years is not a lot of time inbetween...but, it is highly frowned upon in our society for someone my age to....uh...get busy with...someone of that age. It is NOT FAIR! It would be considered torture to stick a piece of bacon out in front of a dog and then eat it, and then take out another bite, and eat it, and another one and eat it, and so on. And that's exactly what these little high schoolers are doing to us young men! We sign on facebook, our hormones whizzing around us and BOOM. In our faces are a pair of 18 year old titties, and then we look at who they are, and we've known the chick our whole lives and she's 14...It's WRONG! It makes us feel dirty! I'm not dirty! I'm just a teenager! Now, we still look...sure...we have to...its in our dna...on the hundredth time the dog is still going to go for the bacon...but we feel dirty afterward.
MR OBAMA! WE NEED YOU TO FIX THIS!
Here's how Mr. Obama can fix this,
He needs to make a proclomation stating that titties are timeless. They have no age. Helen Mirren is in her 60's and has 40 year old tits, and Ive seen 12 year olds with 20 year old boobs. So, Proclomation! Looking at any or all breasts are ok...no matter what the age...RESTRICTION...until 18..above the belt.

4. Little Fucking lapdogs.

I hate little fuckiing lapdogs. They are shaved rats. Shitsus are called shitsus because they are little shits, and just like shit, when you step on one you go...ewwwww. Shitsu...there you go.
Ok. Ok. Maybe I don't hate ALL lapdogs, I mean. There are some sweet cute ones. The ones that know their place, are quiet and just chill on your lap, but I HATE the loud ones. The ones that bark at you when you walk into a friend's house. That dog has a napoleon complex. Does it know how much bigger I am than it? Does that dog know how tiny it is? I could put it in a sub and eat it. For god's sake, it is a furry football...and do you know how far I could punt it.
And then you have these people...these stupid people who think that these little chiuhuauas and miniature poodles will protect them. First, if there is anything less vicious than a poodle...it's a MINIATURE poodle...but even more so...I mean, who do the owners think these dogs are going to protect them from? Are they smurfs needing protection from Gargamel? And then you have the Paris Hilton's of the world...who have their tiny "teacup" dogs in their purses. Every time I see a dog's little head poke out of the purse, I just want to take the dog, stick it's head in the purse and zip it up...not so cute anymore.
MR.OBAMA! We need your help!
Here's how we can fix this! We go biblical...We have a measurement of what a normal sized dog should be...let's say the size of a Hebrew National Hotdog. If a dog does not reach that size (at an adult age...puppies are cute) then we throw the first born into the nearest body of water (lake, pond, bathtub). EXCEPTION: I'm a humane guy...so I make an exception. If you have one of those yappy dogs, in order to keep from execution...snip the vocal chords.

3. Bathroom Attendants.

I hate bathroom attendants. Now, if you don't know what a bathroom attendant is, they are the guys who help you open the door to a stall in a bathroom, put soap on your hands, and dry your hands...and then you've got to tip them! If there is ONE thing on this planet I don't need help with it's taking a piss, thank you very much. Out of all the other things on this planet I need help with...changing a tire, making fresh squeezed juice, putting a condom on before flacidity takes over...the ONE thing I really DON'T need help with...is taking a piss! I've been able to do that all by myself from the beginning of time! And then, I got to tip you for something I could've easily done myself. Having a bathroom attendant is like having a hooker give you a handjob...not only could you do it yourself, BUT YOU COULD DO IT BETTER YOURSELF, AND FOR FREE.
How Obama can fix this.
Keep the bathroom attendants...just change them from the middle-aged hispanic guys to the hot 16 year olds from facebook. No more complaints! Is that soap in my hand or did I just squirt out something else special?
NEXT

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/ Marley and Me
Both these movies are so stupid, so brain-crunchingly obnoxious, so parasitic that they suck the life out of you like the dementors in Harry Potter, that they tie. Here's why. One at a time.
A. Paul Blart
This movie, with Kevin James playing a guy too fat to be a police officer, made 34 million dollars this week. 34 MILLION DOLLARS. If I had a dollar for every time I've been hit on by a good looking person, I would have far less than 34 million dollars! Kevin James has continuously insulted us fat people in his films...and has made money through it! In hitch, he was that bumbling sweet fat guy who couldn't dance. Fuck that. I know some fat guys who can dance! Not me specifially...but that's not because I'm fat, it's because I'm jewish. Then, he comes out with "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry". Where he is the fatty to Adam Sandler's non-fatty. The movie is filled with brilliant fat jokes like , "
Larry Valentine (Kevin James)
: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler): Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine (Kevin James): What?
Chuck Levine(Adam Sandler): They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one Adam! Did you think about that one when you were writing Hannukkah song part 29? Here's a verse for your next song, I wrote just for you Adam,
"Put on your Yamukah, it's time for Hannukkah, the last time you made a good movie-kah, I was still reading Archie Comic-kahs. ( I wanna say Happy Gilmore?) NO JB! NOT SPANGLISH!

Now, Kevin James he comes out with this film about this fat guy running into doors, and trying to be a cop but he can't cause he's so fat! Fuck that movie, fuck the plot, and fuck kevin James. He has ruined the great reputation of all the fat people in this country...I'm talking about all of us fat people...the 50 percent of the American population...we deserve more respect, and more room on elevators, AND we deserve less Kevin James, and more Kevin Bacon, (All Fat people thinking at same time) "Mmmmm Bacon. "
Fuck Marley and me. Spolier alert, I'm going to tell you what the movie is about. A couple gets a dog because they think it's going to be nice, but it turns out to be a nusiance for two hours. The dog seems to always interrupt them before sex! So, they hide out in the living room! Marley shows up! Then the pool! OH! Marley shows up! Finally, after leading a healthy life the dog dies....and everyone cries. Owen wilson why are you so sad? You can finally fuck Jen Aniston without coughing up a hairball mid-climax. This movie is insulting to all dog owners, but at least Marley isn't a little lapdog...like a miniature poodle. Here's a riddle for you.
What's stupider, more pointless, and goes against evolution more than a poodle?
A MINIATURE POODLE!!
OBAMA! HELP US FIX THIS MESS!
First, Obama either needs to fatten Kevin James up, or skinny him down. He either needs to be Marlon Brando before death fat, or Keira Knightley Skinny. If James doesn't want to lose weight...force him...if you're against torture Mr. President, then let him make more films...just no more fat jokes! As for Marley, Owen Wilson, and Aniston. Owen Wilson is easy...Leave him in a room filled with sharp objects...he'll take care of it all himself...and Jennifer Aniston? Cast her in another Jim Carrey movie...she was alright in Bruce Almighty.

1. Ass holes who believe they should get special treatment because they are in the army or have some terrible disease.
Now, let me just clarify. I fully support our troops. I think what they do is the bravest, most courageous, ballsey thing anyone can do. Possibly sacrifice your life for a cause you believe in..Amazing. and to people battling terrible illnesses, Cancer, HIV, etc..Keep Fighting. They are awful and I do not wish them on almost anyone (I'm looking at you Jimmy Carter), but what I HATE are the fuckers who think that it is ok to be ass holes because of their disease. For instance, I hated my third grade teacher. She was a total bitch. She yelled at me, I yelled at her.. I even called her a bitch straight to her face once...cause she was. My mother recently told me she had breast cancer...now again...that's awful...thats terrible...my condolensces to the family, but why should I care? She was a bitch to me. Why do I need to be nice to someone now just cause she is sick? WE ALL DIE! Me, you, My third grade teacher, Barney...we all do it, SO if someone is a cunt, they deserve to be treated like a cunt no matter what is wrong with them. If I were diagnosed with Flesh-eating disease tomorrow, I still deserve to be treated like an ass hole..nothing changes! NOTHING SHOULD CHANGE! I get shit now for saying mean things about people who are sick...EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW THEY ARE SICK. That's fucking minority report shit, arresting people before the crime is commited.
The other day, I punched a soldier in the face...now, in my defense I did not know he was a soldier at the time. I found out after I hit him and a girl yelled "He's a soldier!! Back from Iraq!". And I was like, "So? Is he not allowed to get punched in the face?" He gets discounts on cabs, movies, he is heroic...but if he's an ass hole and making women uncomfortable he deserves to get punched in the face! Now, if anyone deserves to get some ass it's an army dude...out in the desert with nothing but those "don't ask don't tell" fellas, but if you are being a creeper... Am I wrong here? Am I? I'm not! I CAN'T BE! Mr. Obama help me out here.
Obama must pass a resolution stating that all peoples are created equal, and no matter who you are, and what your stature is in society...if you're an ass hole...you will get punched in the face...I am fully awaiting the day when I get a punch in the face for this blog...even after I've been diagnosed with Leprosy and am a five star general in a wheelchair.

So, there you go Mr. Obama. You've got a lot of work to do...but These Changes might not be the changes we all want...but it's the changes we all need.