Thursday, November 27, 2008

I am thankful for...MURDER! (Happy Tofurkey Day!)

Woof! I love thanksgiving! It is my kind of holiday! Nothing says "Tis the season" like the mass murder and ritual eating of millions of lesser beings! It's so "Crime and Punishment" so "Leopold and Loeb" that it makes a little tingle shoot down my spine...the wondrous tingle of murder.
Now, as I always like to explain...All holidays are about oppression, and this one is no different! Except this time, since it's a Catholic (Ok. An American holiday cause this country is SOOO Secular, just ask the sinful gays who are destroying the sanctity of marriage shelled out for us IN THE BIBLE) Holiday not a Jewish or Muslim one...we are the Oppressors not the OppressEEs. Thanksgiving is so fitting to have in America. A country where we believe we can just spread Democracy anywhere because we are just SO right about how countries should be governed. I mean, look how Afghanistan and Iraq have turned out! Everyone LOVES democracy? They love democracy as much as they like throwing rocks! And every Arab LOVES throwing rocks...or else why would they do it so much? You know who probably doesn't love democracy? The native Americans! Democracy gave them smallpox! Ok. Maybe not actually democracy, it was the blankets we gave them laced with smallpox but I bet you that there was a majority vote on whether we should give them blankets, quilts, or panchos laced with smallpox...THAT'S DEMOCRACY BABY!
Look. I'm not here to bash America here in this blog...I am very lucky and thankful to be alive where I am right now in a country where 66 percent of us are overweight/ (me) obese (drew carey) and we have a holiday where all we do is gorge ourself with fatty foods. That's like a turtle taking a holiday off to walk even slower, or a drug addict to take a day off to just do MORE drugs..I love America!
No, but really. I am so thankful. So thankful I wasn't born in the Congo, Sudan, Rwanda, Burundi, Ethiopia, Tibet, Zimbabwe, Brazil, West New Guinea, Zanzibar, and Iraq, because I'm 19...and thanks to genocide I'd probably be dead. So thankful I wasn't born in 1980's Lebanon, or 1970's Cambodia, or 1971 Bangladesh, or 1960-70's Guatemala, or 1940's Germany (that was a small one few people know about), or anytime in the last 100 years in Russia!
It's what we do as a civilization! As a people! Just like how bullies beat up little kids and animals, cause they are less important...us humans do the same thing! Because of skin color, race, religion, or just because...well, for no reason we think we're better. Just ask our Lame fuck president about it.
I am not here to ruin thanksgiving...I love thanksgiving...I'm one of those fat people who is going to gorge himself on stuffing and tofurkey and potatoes, I AM very happy to be born where I was, very thankful for my family...all I want to say is...let's remember why thanksgiving happened. The sacrifices people made, willingly and unwillingly so we can sit around and stuff our face Like Britney Spears from 2005-2007. And I am Thankful to Britney Spears for giving me months of Material! And President Bush for 8 years and hopefully more! And Michael Vick for having a black man to TRULY hate WITH reason! And to Sean Penn for being the biggest tool since Tim Allen on "Home Improvement!" And I am thankful for Sean Paul's fake "Reagae music". I am thankful...I guess what I am saying is...I am thankful for the oppression! I am thankful that we were the Oppressors and not the Oppressees!
So, when you sit down at your Thanksgiving table with all your food, and your fat children, eating in a nice home with A/C or Heat...just remember...there are people in other countries who don't have any of this shit...but, for one day...we won't give a shit...FUCK EM! IT'S THANKSGIVING! Pass me the heavy gravy, turn on football...do you feel that? It's that wondrous feeling only one thing can bring...it's the majestic tingle in your spine of Murder...MASS MURDER!
HAPPY Turkey Day!
And if you don't like it...you probably live in some country that's just not as great as us! But, don't worry...you won't be around for long...sooner or later we'll oppress you..and if not us...Genocides happen more often on this Earth than a celebrity Dying of "Accidental" Overdoses.
AND THANK YOU HEATH LEDGER FOR EVERYTHING! YOU WERE COMEDIC GOLD!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Arts School drop out (Arts school drop out)

Instead of telling you all how Im leaving arts school to pursue comedy. I'd thought I'd sing it to you "TO The tune of Beauty School Drop out" From "Grease" *(P.S. I hate this show and the song...like I hate arts school!) AHH Fits Perfectly!

David's story is sad to tell,
An actor ne'er do well,
Most mixed up Comedian on the block!
Your future's pretty clear now,
Comedy's your career now
Would trade it all in for a smile!

"ANGELS SING! LA LA LA LA LA LA"

Arts school dropout,
No graduation day for you.
Arts school dropout,
You Sucked at Meisner and withdrew from crew.
Well at least you could have taken time, to polish your comedic skills
After spending all that time learning pointless movement drills.

David get moving (David get movin),
You're not an actor, don't you lie.
What are you proving (What are you provin)?
You don't dream cause that's for pussies.

If you don't go for your diploma, you could be as big as seth rogen
Just please Don't end up like Lyndsay Lohan.

Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout),
Hanging around the cantina Express
Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout),
Spent my first year in the dorm called furness.

Well they couldn't teach you anything,
You think you're such a looker,
But no customer would go to you 'SPECIALLY if you were a hooker!

David don't sweat it (Don't sweat it),
Run with the whole thing, being funny
Better forget it (Forget it),
Just be a wannabe Belushi.

Now your bags are packed, your mom's in tears , and still the
world is cruel.
Wipe that cake off your face and go back to arts school!

Baby don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Baby you know it,
Even Jim Carrey'd say the same!

Now I've called the shot, get off the block, I really gotta
fly!
Gotta Date with Richard Jeni, in the sky!

Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout)
Go back to Arts School

So, as many of you have heard or are hearing right now...I'm dropping out of my arts school. Yes, it's official. I am joining the great drop outs of our generation. People like Albert Einstein, Michael J. Fox and Steve Martin. Now, of course...I am no scientist, I don't want to end up with parkinson's shaking more than a woman riding a sybian, and I certainly don't have the boyish charm of Steve Martin with the hair of an 80 year old man filled with wisdom. So, the drop out might just be ill-advised. So, what prompted me to leave? Well, I wish I could say something comedic, like, "it was the gays that made me leave" or if it was how I left middle school, where I flipped off my principal, it's just...at an acting school you learn the techniques of acting...and I'm a comedian.
I started looking at online schools, and online schools are like those drunk chicks at 4am. You know they are not very attractive, you know you're going to regret spending a night with them, but it's 4am at a club, you're drunk and you want to get laid...That's what an online school is, except without the pleasure of an orgasm, but with that same feeling of discontent when you wake up four years later with a degree from the university of maryland online university college. THAT'S the real name of the online college I'm considering! It says it's a university twice, and calls itself a college in it's name because it's just trying to CONVINCE you it's a college...when we all know it isn't. "We're telling you! We're a college! We call ourselves it several times in our name." I guess if you put lipstick on a sarah palin, she's still a pig (that's the saying right?). So, I'm focusing strictly on sketch/improv stuff, which means I'm working on being unemployed.
But, I'm excited about my future, and am very grateful to my arts school and the time ive spent here. I've learned a ton...not enough to keep my here, but a ton.
I guess the worst thing about dropping out of arts school is the same thing as deciding to go to art school...the relatives giving you advice and their guilt. There's nothing better than hearing your grandmother say, "Why don't you be a lawyer?" Or your Dad's Alcoholic cousin tell you about how he wanted to be a tought greaser with a heart of gold when he was younger. People seem to not be able to realize that I don't care. It's that simple. If I wanted advice, I'd ask for it, and the only thing I take advice from is Jim Carrey movies. It's why I'm a vegetarian (ace ventura), Don't lie (Liar, Liar), know all hot red heads live in aspen (Dumb and Dumber), pray to prayer bracelets made by jennfer aniston (bruce almighty), hate the number 23, don't steal midget's christmas presents, and know if I ever am stuck in a fake, staged world made for myself, I should leave to go fuck Natasha Mcelhone. (Truman Show). Now, I wonder what the moral will be behind his new movie yes,man? Maybe something about saying yes man. ANYWAY, the point is I'm off to some sort of colored pastures, and I'm excited. Not excited like your dog is when you come home, or excited like when you see A "Gossip Girl" Marathon is on TV, but excited in the way of a religious person who is about to die and excited for the after life...the only difference is, this second life is real...and hopefully filled with a lot more drug use.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Videos of my improv troupe

I am part of an improv troupe here in Philadelpia called the Yes, Ampersands. We put on a sketch show, with some improv thrown in on October 24th. It was Politically themed. I was in it and wrote most of the sketches. Enjoy, tell me what you think and tell your friends.

Pancakes



Presidential Negative ADS (written by yours truly)





This video has on it A blackout sketch about sanctity of marriage, a sketch called "Coming out" and an improv game called movers and shakers



Sketch called "Going Green"




Another Improv game called Scenes from a hat





A fun improv game called press conference

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

MOVE BUSH! GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH GET OUT THE WAY!

So, we have a new president! President Barack Hussein Osama Bin Cat Stevens Mohammed Atta Michelob Light Laden Anna Nicole Smith Obama! Now, I am an Obama supporter. I was out celebrating out in the streets of Philadelphia last night in Indapendence hall. It was a beautiful sight to behold...all Americans joining together to celebrate the election of a TERRORIST! Nah. Nah. But, I am amazed by the disappointment and fear of Mccain Supporters and do to the sensitivity of the subject, I am not hear to talk about the reasons I voted for Obama or any rumors...I'm a comedian...you want political coverage...turn on my boy blitzer on CNN. But, what I'm amazed is the fear. People REALLY believe Obama means the destruction of the state of Israel. That he is going to go to the iraninas, "here are a couple nuclear bombs..now make sure you don't point them to Israel...OOPS!" I mean, come on...who do we really think Obama is...Leslie Nielsen in the Scary Movie films? Israel has survived countless wars and battles, they even survived Paul Mccartney's performance...it's not going anywhere.
How about how he's a closeted Muslim? Well, ok...but as long as he stays in the closet about it. This election had gay marriage bans passing in Arizona, California and Florida. So, if we expect the gays to stay in the closet. I'm sure Obama can do the same right!? Let's just ban muslim religion! No, No. That's agsint the constitution...LETS JUST NOT ALLOW MUSLIMS TO MARRY! You know, have less rights than Christian couples... like not being able to see their partner if they are in the hospital, then we'll see if Obama is a REAL Muslim, not a muslim...or even more in the closet about it. The idea that Obama is a closeted Muslim is insane...like Ok. You think he'll be bad for Israel...fine...that's your political view...but to think he's a Muslim cause when he was 4 he went to a Muslim school is ridiculous. NO ONE PICKS THEIR RELIGION WHEN THEY ARE 4! They believe every story! Crazily, I believed in God when I was 4....AHHHHH! I actually thought there was a walking, talking snake that once existed, in a magical garden, who was cunning and evil! AHHHH...I must be a snake charmer now! I know crazy right? (editor's note. David does believe in god and endorses the old testament as the only book. All the other ones are fun reads, like James Patterson books, but are just the bad sequels...like Rush Hour 2 and 3, or Godfather 3. But, he impolores that you don't take religion too seriously...religion is like sex...you take it too seriously, it's not fun, and someone could lose an eye.) George Carlin, one of the biggest atheists ever went to catholic school all through high school...cause his parents wanted him too...calling Obama a closeted muslim because his father...who ditched him when he was 4... put him in a Muslim school, is like calling me gay because one time I got curious, watched gay porn and didn't absolutely hate it.
I guess what I'm trying to say here...is "don't worry. be happy" cause at the end of the day, 80 percent of Americans got what they wanted. NO MORE BUSH! If we can't agree on a President ok...let's agree on who SHOULDN'T be president. Just like how Jon Ritter should have NEVER been replaced on "8 Simple rules for dating my teenage daughter" DAMN YOU DAVID SPADE! YOU RUINED TWO FAT PEOPLE'S CAREERS IN CHRIS FARLEY AND JON RITTER YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE...sorry, sorry...my apologies...wow...I felt like Reverend Wright there for a second, WHITEY WHITEY GOD DAMN DAVID SPADE! NOT GOD BLESS DAVID SPADE, GOD DAAMMMMMMNNNNNN DAVID SPADE! good impression right? But, seriously...no more bush! Ladies...shave that shit!!!
To end this pointless blog...this sort of funny blog in wake of all the serious notes going up on facebook, livejournal, and myspace, I end with a couple fun songs...you can sing with me I made up yesterday while drunk in the streets:

"To tune of I love Rock and Roll"
I love Barack Obama...put a little change in the congress (or country, your choice) baby!

"To Nah Nah Nah Goodbye"
Nah Nah Nah Nah. Nah Nah Nah Nah. Hey Hey FUCK BUSH! (that one could be my favorite...pretty blunt)

"To the tune of Have Naguila"
Have, Naguila Obama Naguila Obama, Naguila ve Fuck you Bush.

and finally, my favorite...the title of this blog
tune of ludacris' "move Bitch"
MOVE BUSH GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH! GET OUT THE WAY!

That's it baby...we can all argue everything. Whether Obama is going to destroy everything we love, whether he pees on the American flag instead of using a toilet, whether Michelle Obama's vagina is the cave where Osama Bin Laden is hiding and whether Obama's children will grow up to be the next williams sisters (I hope so...they've got asses that just won't quit, won't quit like Obama's ties to domestic terrorists!) BUT, we can all agree on one wonderful thing! BUSH IS DONE! HE'S DONE! THAT'S IT! KAPUT!
As we chanted in the streets yesterday about Bush
"NO MORE YEARS! NO MORE YEARS!" That is the change we want and the change we NEED! Tell your children, today is not historic because we voted a black man into office, but today we voted a retarded man out of office.
MOVE BUSH GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH GET OUT THE WAY!
And obama...if you are a closeted Muslim...I want you to feel comfortable reading my blog so...
ALLAH AKBAR!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Live from new york it's John Mccain!

Guys. I don't know about you...but I am fucking nervous. I am more anxious than Owen Wilson in a room filled with sharp objects. I am super nervous about this election's ending. Not because I'm a rabid, pink lipstick wearing pitbull of an Obama supporter, or a mavericky Joe six pack of a Mccain supporter...I'm not nervous about this campaign as an American...I'm nervous about it...as a comedian. You see, to be blunt...what the fuck am I going to talk about after this fucking election? Social issues? Actual events with points? Make honest opinions on social goings ons? Ugh...so here it goes...possibly my final blog about the election...except for the elections one which of course I'll be (not) liveblogging right here!

So, I've been getting a lot of texts and IM's lately about the campaign. Everyone asking me if John Mccain's bit on SNL was funny. Now, there's two issues with this logic. First, why are you asking some ass hole 19 year old kid if something is funny? I mean, I'm just, well...an ass hole 19 year old kid...My answer has been..yes..it was very funny...but if I wanted someone funny to be president I would've voted for Ralph Nader on three separate occasions. Or I would say, yes. I think it was funny...and I think John Mccain is funny...just wouldn't make a good president. I'd love to have a beer with president Bush. Fuck. I'd love to get drunk with president bush, do some lines of coke off Laura's tits...YEAH...but that doesn't mean he was in any shape or form a good president...or person...ANYWAY, I guess I don't see the reason why it matters if John Mccain was funny on SNL...I guess the only real reason it matters is because for ONCE in the last few years (either than Tina Fey's brilliant performances) SNL was funny! That's what we should be talking about! SNL is only funny when they do impersonations! It has lost all its satiric edge, all its moxie...it's like Stella before she got her Groove Back. SNL needs to get its groove back. Now, I'm not saying I could do it, but...shit could I. But, I have another solution...whoever loses this election should become full-time cast members on SNL. So if Mccain/Palin lose, they should sign contracts to be on SNL every week! The show would be a hit! Not a bad consolation prize...lose the presidency and now you can make people laugh every week! Just an idea I had. What do you think?

Finally, I Absentee voted this week...and it doesn't matter, but I did vote for the candidate who is over 44 years old and under 73 years old, he was a senator for at least four years, but no more than 30, spent many years in public service, has a lovely wife and children, and is one of the colors of a black and white cookie. Can you guess? But, Like I said Absentee ballots don't matter in Florida...Like it says in the title, they are absent ballots. They are absent from the election...just ask 2000 Florida.
Just remember, don't O'D on the election on tuesday...heed the warnings on the label. "If this Election lasts more than four hours, seek immediate medical help."

See you all when we have a new president!