Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hi. My name is David Hussein Schwartzbaum

One of my favorite movies is "Angels In The Outfield". My favorite scene is when Danny Glover is about to be fired because he won't admit there are no angels helping his baseball team, but then...the little kid stands up and tell everyone how he sees angels. Then, Tony Danza does it, until EVERYONE says they see angels...and the owner storms off and Danny Glover keeps his job. In the lovely Movie "In and Out" starring my boy Kevin Kline (why is he my boy? well, he's married to phoebe cates, can I say anymore? If that means nothing to you, stop reading this blog, grab some Vaseline and rent, or on demand or whatever the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and zoom 43 minutes and 17 seconds into it and go to town...I'll wait for you to come back...Ok. Great here we go.) ANYWAY, my boy Kevin Kline was in the film "In and Out" about a gay teacher...and just like Angels in the outfield, they were going to fire him for being gay (to believe in angels is also gay by the way) so everyone stood up and said they were gay too. So,the principal got all upset and hired him back. WHY DO I TELL YOU THIS!? Because I want to use the same principle in my first ever initiative.
Now, let me prefice this by saying...yes...I am an Obama supporter...an avid one...I'm an Obamamaniac. I actually wrote a song about it...wanna hear it? It goes to the tune of the "Animaniacs theme song! If you need the tune,
here's youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtM_qFq_hxg

Here we go (Clear Throat Sound)

I'm an Obama Maniac,
and I'm zany toward the blacks
I believe the upper class,
should be more heavily taxxed,
Obama Maniacs!

I love universal healthcare
and government contracts,
I love polar bears, beluga whales and even rats
Sarah Palin Likes to hunt em'
Oh man she's such a cunt,
she loves killing moose
go moose vamoose
I wish she would get shot!

I'm an Obama Maniac
Abortion's a choice
and sexuality is not
fiscal policy is sought
a war-mongerer is not
I'm an Obama Maniac!

Meet Michelle Obama she is hotter than Palin,
Seeing them together makes my penis want to burst
Mccain attacks Obama, it all seems so rehearsed.
This election's jipped,
this song is shit
could this get any worse?

I'M AN OBAMA MANIAC!
Equal pay for female contracts
I'm Zany toward the blacks
No balogne, just the facts,
I'm Obamaney,
gonna go campaigny
Oba - MANIACS!
Those are the facts!

(LOUD THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!)
Thank you, thank you.

ANYWAY, before I went off on that lovely tangent, where was I...OH YEAH!
No one can doubt, I'm a warm blooded liberal, as those "real americans" would call me..."a faggot" and the funny thing about that, is well...I guess it's not funny...I just am not sexually aroused by a penis...unless it's mine, cause mine is awesome. AND I mean Awesome like god. Like AWE-SOME. It makes you bow with awe. ANYWAY, god. I'm ADD today. Anyway, I honestly don't care who you vote for in this election...I've said that a lot mostly because I think our votes won't count either way...I think there's a 50/50 chance Obama wins because after the computers glitch and they just pick who randomly pops up...it'll be obama or mccain...50/50.
BUT, what I'm sick of is the smears. I'm SO sick of them. I don't care that Obama went to an "Islamic" school when he was 4, which happened to be the only decent school in his area, I don't care that there is a slim chance he was born in some African country...I don't care! I want to focus on the issues! AND I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT THAT HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN! I know a kid whose name is Jack Doft...he's still a nice kid...even though his name is hilarious. Just because we know a couple motherfuckers with that name makes him a bad guy? PLEASE. That's horse shit. I know a guy named Adolf...I'm going to go shoot him to protect the country. How about the hundreds of millions of people with the name Mohammed on this planet? Are they all just like Mohammed Atta, the mastermind of 9/11 under Osama Bin Laden? PLEASE. People actually defend themselves. They say why don't we call him by his FULL name...we did for all the other presidents....REALLY!? No we didn't, middle names are like the Appendix in the body...they serve no purpose, nobody likes them, they are usually uglier than your other organs and no one even recognizes like them until they inflame and make you uncomfortable and try to kill you. People say, well we call Franklin roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt...Yeah we called Him that in 6th grade U.S. History to know the difference between Theodore and Franklin. I remember studying it actually and remembering them as the one with two names and the one with three. People give other exceptions. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, George Walker Bush, William Jefferson Clinton...and so on...Wait a second! Wait a second! I HAVE NEVER CALLED JFK JOHN FITZGERAL KENNEDY! John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush...the Oliver stone movie wasn't called Walker, this isn't chuck norris' show, it was called "W" for a reason. We use the middle initial, we NEVER say the full middle name, they are NEVER on ballots...anyone who says otherwise is a racist smearer who either hates black people, muslims or both...and I mean that.
SO, in order to throw away this smear, I ask you to show solidarity and save the name Hussein, just cause one bad fucker had it doesn't mean it's not a fine middle name. So, I have changed my facebook name to David Hussein Schwartzbaum...I want you all to do the same...whether you like Obama or not...whether you are voting for Mccain or not...I want you to switch your name...If you hate the smears, if you hate the lies by either campaign, change your facebook name and include the middle name Hussein...let's show our humanity, and our support...let's show we're sick of this racist smear shit...vote for who you think is the best...vote like you really think it's going to count.
I have already done it..check out my facebook name David Hussein Schwartzbaum (and ps if your not friends with me on facebook, please become one). Whether its your own personal blog...or a myspace or facebook...change it...add the middle name...to show solidarity.
Leave a comment on this blog or on my facebook with the link to your new name! I'd love to see them! Tell your friends! Let's bring this name back, so they can't smear people for their names...something they can't help...like sexual preference...but well...that's for a different blog.
GO OUT SPREAD THE WORD!!!
Signed
David Hussein Schwartzbaum

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

(Not really live) LiveBlogging the 3rd presidential debate.

Blogging the debate! My brother has brilliantly live blogged the third presidential debate...if you want ACTUAL political analysis, check out his website adamschwartzbaum.com BUT if you want the REAL stuf (wink wink) I've got it for you right now.

What a debate huh!? The final debate of the outside of the oreo vs. the inside of the oreo, the young vs. old. The changeling vs. the maverick, and the red tie vs. the blue tie! What a debate it was! First of all, I know there's lots of rumors out there about me and my ties to Billy Ayers...and they are all true...I fucked Bill Ayer's daughter SOOO good. I TERRORIZED that shit. You might say I blew up her Public School building! No, no. But, I am glad Mccain finally was able to explain his blatant attacking of Obama on Bill Ayers tonight. I think he made a good point. I mean, Obama was 8 when Bill Ayers blew up many public buildings...so OBVIOUSLY he has a connection to Ayers. Similarly, to me. I was 8 when Andrew Coonanin murdered many homosexuals including Gianni Versace...he did it in Miami (THE CITY I LIVED IN)...and killed himself on a house boat across the street from a friend's house...it is obvious that me and my friend...since we used the same marina to go fishing on, and my friend had his boat next to Coonanins...it is obvious that we also hate homosexuals and helped with the murders. Now, Obama might not have strapped himself up with C4 like his grandparents in those fundamentalist islamic countries like Kenya do...but he CERTAINLY was an enabler.
I'm a little upset though...They didn't ask about the HOMO-SEXUALS. Every year, I love it when a pretty lesbian stands up and asks "why can't I get married to the woman I have loved for 20 years" and just then, you have to watch the republican squirm trying to say, "uh...I think it's ok your gay..I just want to pretend like you don't exist." It's like what Achmadinijad said "Gays don't exist in Iran." Well, same in America...in this country we call gays members of the green party.
It did get a little heated at some point. The SERIOUS (not this one) blogs are talking about the big eye roll Mccain gave Obama when Obama was talking about the Columbian President. But, you've got to understand...if you pump up the volume on the video and slow it down, you can clearly see an audience member shoot a nerf gun in toward Mcain's face, and he was simply trying to avoid it. Four melanoma surgeries and he's still got reflexes like a cat! A cat...with four melanoma surgeries that is.

And how about Mccain saying Bluntly.."I am not President Bush!" You're right..you certainly are not...President Bush is MUCH better looking, and would know better than to continuously grimace and grind his teeth whenever his competitor made any sort of comment about anything. Like I just think Mccain was so inappropriate...Mccain rolled his eyes back more times than Bristol Palin, when she was orgasming during her underage, unprotected, original sin sexual escapades that will lead to an out-of-wedlock child.

Finally,
I think Obama won the debate...I just think he looked more presidential...he looked stronger. I think Mccain did a nice job...but Mccain is just too far behind the man in black to make it up the cliffs of insanity (princess Bride reference...sorry I know I shouldn't explain jokes...but I get very proud of myself when I make clever puns).

The most important thing is for all of you 10 people who read my blog to go out and vote...no matter who it is for...because at the end of the day...this country needs to keep the illusion going that our votes actually count.

As I ended my first Presidential blog here on the site. You've gotta vote for your president by how you drink your coffee.
If you like your coffee with real chunks of polar bear in it, vote for palin Via Mccain.
If you like your coffee with a little determination and a slight "foot in your mouth" taste vote Obama via Biden.
If you like your coffee strong and black, but maybe a little too flavorful for it's own good. vote Obama
And finally, If you like your coffee old, tepid, sterile, hot tempered, and cancerous vote mccain.

As captain planet used to say!
The POWER is (Sort of) YOURS!

Oh! The Polls! Of course!! Who won the debate according to the latest polls.

High Times Poll

18 percent Obama
2 Percent Mccain
80 Percent Strawberry Cheesecake mmmmmm

African Americans making less than 50,000 dollars a year who have some sort of Kenyan Descent

Obama 99 Percent
Mccain 1 Percent
(stats on this poll are +- 1 percent)

Who did the best at the debate?

10 percent Obama
9 Percent Mccain
91 Percent Philadelphia Phillies

That's all I got! Go vote...or...uh...don't?

Monday, October 6, 2008

I've got Jungle fever...and the only prescription is more cowbell...and Michelle Obama

Whenever the lovely Sarah Palin comes up in conversation, there are always jeers from my loony liberal friends, and then someone makes a "but she's hot" joke. You know what! I've had enough of these jokes! It is obvious that we have such little respect for this woman that all we can do, as horny young men is make comments on her obvious non-manly appearance...but I think we're forgetting someone in this conversation...MICHELLE OBAMA! God DAMN! Michelle Obama is HOT! I mean, maybe you can accuse me of Jungle Fever, but so be it...if I'm Tarzan and she's my colored Jane I am SOOOO Down. Like, have you seen Michelle Obama? Let's talk about that buh-donk-a-donk for a second..DAAAAMMMMNNNN. She is BOOTYLICIOUS. Ok. Ok. A lot of people want to talk about whether or not Barack Obama is REALLY black. Usually these people will also argue with you that he is a terrorist muslim...so he's not black, but middle Eastern...but let's just take the opinion of the regular stupid person for a second. The one who voted for George W Bush in 04 and actually regrets it (like 80 percent of the people who voted for him). If you think he's not black, take a look at his wife! She's blacker than a black sharpie on a blackboard, being flown on a blackbird eating burnt fried chicken and sugar water in a wired field... That blackberry surely isn't squirting her juice for any whitey black man.
No, but seriously. I feel like people don't make jokes about Michelle Obama's appearance because people seem to have respect for this woman. And why not? Princeton educated...raised two lovely girls, and still has perky breasts. Barack and her celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary this year at a nice italian restaurant, contrary to Sarah Palin and her husband who celebrated theirs by eating a polar bear. I guess all I'm really trying to say here...is that maybe it's time to disrespect Michelle Obama a little bit. Let's make her a FLILF...First Lady I'd like to Fuck. I mean, Laura Bush is a cutey, she was almost a FLILF...but if Bush has done to the world what he has done to it in 8 years...I'm scared of how he cold destroy a vagina in 30. Of course...I wouldn't be surprised if Bush treated his wife's vagina like Iraq...NO EXIT STRATEGY! Oh..in these tough financial times, you gotta be able to make yourself laugh huh? I guess all I'm trying to say here is that it's time to see some scantily clad pictures of Michelle! For the good of the campaign! Let's have pictures of her superficial young self in Bathing suit contests! How about her playing the incredibly phallic and sexual flute like Sarah Palin! Come on Michelle! Give us something! Stop being so cunning, charming and lovely! We WANT to disrespect you! OH SO MUCH! PLUS, you have Sarah Palin, wearing those little dresses...fuck that...I want a woman like Michelle Obama! Who can fill out a pants suit like nobody's business!
I'll end my blog this way...a couple weeks ago...I said, we shouldn't be drilling in Alaska, we should be drilling in Sarah Palin...Well, now I say we shouldn't be drilling in Sarah Palin, we should be drilling for that sweet sweet dark oil...in Michelle Obama.
REMEMBER...the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, the darker the chocolate the sweeter the taste...I want Michelle Obama to be sitting on my face (don't judge me. It's from hairspray)
I HOPE I DID MY PART IN THIS ELECTION BY FINALLY DISRESPECTING MICHELLE OBAMA!