Saturday, September 6, 2008

Vitamin water + Sarah Palin + David = Arsen and Murder


I was in the supermarket the other day (if you're ever considering mass murder the supermarket is a great place to do it. Stupid people, lots of fun places to hide, enormous amounts of food. I want to set the lobsters free). So, I was in the supermarket the other day and something really pissed me off. I was in the drinks section. All around me was coke and sprite, some juices and then I saw of course, the 500 different brands of water, but then, in the water section, I saw something so irritating that it would make Alvin and the Chipmunks blow their heads off. When did vitamin water become WATER. When did Life water become water? You ask any irishmen what life water is they'll tell you simply...it's whiskey. What about this bullshit propel fitness WATER? This shit is not water! Water is NOTHING. Water tastes like NOTHING. It's not red or pine-guava-orange flavored! Once you put shit in water it becomes juice! How do you make orange juice? ORANGE JUICE AND WATER! How do they make that vitamin water shit!? JUICE AND WATER and if (here's some math) JUICE + WATER = JUICE Vitamin water = Juice + water therefore VITAMIN WATER = JUICE!
Why is it called water? It is an insult to the refreshing non-taste of water. I wouldn't want to bathe in vitamin water! If phoebe cates had propel fitness water pouring all over her while she took her top off in "Fast times at Ridgemont High" it would just be weird and gross (unless you like that sort of thing).
All I'm trying to say is that if you put anything in water...it no longer becomes water, it becomes juice.
Lemons plus water plus sugar = lemonade.
Apples plus water = Apple juice!
I could do this all day, but then you'll want to go to the supermarket and shoot the deli meats.
And the thing that pisses me off the most! These fucking crystal light commercials! You know the ones I'm talking about! The fucking commercials that ask you "is your water too pale?"
YES! YES CRYSTAL LIGHT! MY WATER IS PALE! IT'S SO FUCKING PALE THAT IT'S CLEAR, LIKE WATER SHOULD BE! That's like saying, are your fingers TOO fingery? Is your textbook to page-y? Well, this powder will fix that! Oh please! Water is supposed to be so pale it's clear, and if it's not...it's probably juice.

ADDENDUM


Speaking of overhyped, well advertised shit that's bad for your body and soul, Mccain picked his running mate. The Stone Cold Fox Sarah Palin! I say stone cold because her clitoris is as sensitive and gentle as a stone and her vagina is colder than the used-to-be ice, now water in the melting north pole. I can't tell you how much I hate this woman. She has the face of a fat, baby version of tina fey, and the body of an oompa loompa. She looks like a smashed crushed milk carton on the ass of a dead polar bear. Now, the candidates say that her 17 year old WHORE daughter is off limits, but happily to you all...I don't have limits. I mean, who remembers my heath ledger jokes blog? I mean, come on I'm such a JOKER. This 17 year old girl, Bristol, gets knocked up and we're supposed to just be good people and ignore her getting blown up like Violet Beauregarde after she chews the 3- course meal gum? (I'm in a willy wonka mood). That's no fun! This girl Bristol Palin first of all, gets knocked up by a hockey player...a HOCKEY player? Ok. Ok. I know this is Alaska, but this is still America right? And hockey players, are like 4th class citizens in the U.S. Yes, cindy Mccain, I know, Alaska is right next to russia, where the Miracle game occurred, but still not a good enough reason. A hockey player Bristol? Abort the kid before it blows its head off realizing who its father is. I will say this about Bristol Palin, I'd knock her up. I mean, she's got a little meat on her bones, but so do I right? So, does like 50 percent of America? Of course, I'd get her to abort it, cause as we learn in previous blogs, if they can't outrun a shotgun...it's an abortion. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
How do I end this blog? I'll leave it at this.
Sarah Palin believes we should all drill in Alaskan oil reserves, I believe we should all be drilling in Sarah Palin.

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