WOOO! It's only week 3 of the football season and already I can see God's wonder and miracles playing into the National Football league schedule. Now, again, I know what you're all thinking...why would god bother wasting his time working on who wins football games...how trivial? But, you know what else is trivial? Bowling...and god invented that...so suck it.
Now, where to begin. We all know from my previous blogs that God hates Tom Brady. He hates him because he has a bastard child, wears the colors of the sinful, baby-aborting, pot smoking Netherlanders (Nethlandsians?), and he represents a state that allows homosexuals to marry. So, I wasn't surprised when Tom Brady went down...I mean, I really wasn't surprised...I've been betting on Tom Brady to get injured since he had his child before the 2007 season...you just don't bet against god...for some reason he always has better odds than the others...it's as if he is all knowing or something? So, not only is Tom Brady's leg now more broken than David Duchovny's marriage, but also the Patriots had their worst loss at home ever...Now, of course they did, they were playing the dolphins. Let's look at this completely logically. The Dolphin is one of the most caring species on the planet. They bare their young peacefully and do their very best to raise them properly (like humans). They are the only animals, either than humans that have sex for pleasure (and no female dolphin complains about their partner's penis size, but really that's because the Dolphin sound is too complex, could you imagine them trying to tell their partner that? EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH). Anyway, the dolphins might have pleasurable sex, but there's no adultery in the dolphin code, no aids, no STD's they are pure sexual animals...unlike humans who...thank you jesus for this comedic gem...are born in original sin. Now, I know what you're thinking...well, what's wrong with a patriot...I mean, nobility, power, honor! But, let's look at some of our greatest patriots... Thomas Jefferson... adulterer, and Slave fucker...He's a regular John Edwards! He's got a wife, and on the side he's boning a slave! Even had a kid with her! Of course...according to those times the kid was just 3/5 a person so maybe it was just 3/5 a sin. Lincoln...new information and research shows that he might be a homosexual! How coincidental, he lived in a log cabin and liked his cabin Logged! And George Washington, the ultimate patriot! The bastard with the wooden teeth! "Chopping down cherry trees" were metafors for his raping of hundreds of virgins.
So, like usual...God Smote the unholy.
He destroyed the evil, virgin bursting, popsicle pushing, blackberry juice drinking, patriots and allowed the sweet, tranquil disease-free dolphins to roam free.
AND to think, if Tom Brady just would've worn a condom none of this would've ever happened.
1 year, 4 months, and 3 days since the birth of Tom's Bastard...and counting, his continuous defiance of god metaphorically dickslapping god in the metaphoric face....and don't think we're not watching you Bristol Palin! Don't think we expect you or your husband to win any Soccer or hockey or Gorodki competetions lately...I say Gorodki cause we all know Alaska is so close to Russia...and Gorodki is their national sport.