I understand if this picture is too graphic for you..WHY!? WHY!? p.s this is not my computer...but it really makes you think...what if it WAS!?
My computer died this weekend...it was awful. It was like losing my only child who I stored all my porn on. It died Saturday early-evening during a 12 hour marathon of House on the USA network. I couldn't tell you what time my computer stopped working because, well...I get the time from my computer. Look! I can see it right now! It's 5:40 PM! Let's say my computer died around 6 on satuday, so..until today...Tuesday I had had no computer, and it's like losing one of your five senses. Having a loaner computer is like having a loaner car...it's the same thing...it's a car, but yet for some reason you just don't feel fully comfortable using it. Like...will they know when you return it that I go to perez hilton to see who Miley Cyrus is dating? Or that I read that I play computer games nude? What about the scar on my right shoulder? I'm scared to put any love into this computer because I know I'm going to lose it...it's as if this computer is my foster child, I'm in this strange moment with it and I'm not sure what to do..sure I want to treat it right, but...I mean, it's going to be leaving me soon...like the kid in Angels in the outfield, only I can't see Angels and if I did the dude from Back to the future wouldn't be one...though Danny Glover could be an angel! Love you Danny!
Now, some of you might be thinking, oh David! You're overreacting, this is a computer! It's not a person...but that's not true! This computer is like a girlfriend to me, a brother, sister, mother, father. It helps me with my homework, it puts me to sleep with music, tells me when my next class is, I tell it my comedy and my most intense moments, and also...it helps me orgasm. It is everything!
Literally, not having a computer from Saturday to Tuesday is like being sucked into a black hole of which I thought I'd never be able to breathe again. I didn't care about the Hurricane Ike victoms until I realized that they probably wouldn't have computer access for WEEKS! Here's how my days went.
6:00 ish (Saturday) Watched House for a while. Began getting ready for a party, realized I didn't know where the party was. Now, usually I'd hop up on facebook and it would say, boom. Party at this place at this time...but no computer, no facebook. So, now I had to CALL my friends to find out where the place is, and you know how annoying that is? When you want to call your friends to talk for a second but you don't want to be rude...so you gotta have that weird conversation?
Me: Hey man
ME: ....what's up?
friend: nothin much man, you?
ME: um...nuthin much
friend why'd you call?
ME: you know that party tonight?
ME: where's it at?
friend: dude. i don't know I'm just going with this group. come with the group.
ME: who's the group?
friend: john, justin, janine, jack, jorge, jill
ME:I don't really like Justin
friend: cause he's black?
ME: no not cause he's black cause he's an ass hole
friend:yeah he is an ass hole... so you gonna come with us?
friend: alright peace bro.
PROBLEM NOT SOLVED!
this happened a couple times until I just called the host of the party and he gave me the incredibly legnthy unnecessary directions...I get it! It's the third house on the fucking street and if I get to the deli with the fat lady on it I've gone too far! JEEESUS! Stop telling me it thirty times.
IF ONLY I HAD FACEBOOK AND A COMPUTER THIS PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED!
let's fastforward to 3:00 am Sunday morning, just got back from the party.
You know when you're too drunk to sleep, but your not drunk enough to be well...drunk enough? You can't read...too drunk...can't just sit around...not drunk enough...how about a game on the computer? Surf the internet? Look at some naked pictures of celebs and giggle? AHH no computer! So, what'd I do instead? Sat in the shower for an hour. Which is ok...I mean, I like sitting in the shower...you got water, you got sitting, what's there not to like? It's like the brunch of showers. It's not a shower or a bath, it's not breakfast and it's not lunch...but like...I would've rather watched a bootlegged version of the old garfield cartoons.
SUNDAY! FOOTBALL SUNDAY!
It's sunday gotta place my bets...SHIT. Gotta do my fantasy shit...SHIT. gotta watch my packers game on tv...SHIT. Check the injury reports? NOPE! Blogs on the Packers (my team) NOPE!
YOU CANNOT WATCH FOOTBALL WITHOUT A COMPUTER! Football and computers are equal. You have to pregame for the football game nowadays, and I don't mean with liquor. The internet wasn't created by Chuck Norris, it was created by the NFL...check out Mike Vick's website www.Iwasoncearolemodelbutnowimgettingitdoggystylebyamannamedpacoyesiseetheironythatimgettingitdoggystylebecauseikilleddogs.com (I didn't realize how long his link was so for those who aren't dyslexic, here's it with the proper spaces. I was once arole model but now im getting it doggy style by a man named paco yes i see the irony that im getting it doggy style because I killed dogs .COM!) Let me just say, as a warning...the website, don't go there if you have a weak stomach or are a heterosexual..unless you're into that stuff which is cool with me.
I couldn't do ANY homework, everything was on the computer. I couldn't check the news, couldn't watch The Daily Show! I was hopeless! So, instead I played video games all day and called up some family members (I know scary right?)
Now, I have my computer again, and life is ok again. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and though I lost about three months worth of comedy that was on my laptop I feel like I'm ready to start anew with my new baby. Right now this loaner is ok...It's like when your dog dies when your little and your parents get you a bunny until they are prepared to get you another dog, becayse they don't want you to be sad until the dog shows up? Yeah...I'm gonna miss my old buddy. But, I know...wherever he is (probably in the metal of some children's toy made in china or my dog's food) he'll remember me...and just like the robot Haley Joel Osmond did, he'll finally...go to sleep. WILLSSSOOON! WIILLSSSOOONN!