Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time to Aerial Hunt Sarah Palin

I'm sorry. I can't lay off the subject of Sarah Palin. I hate her fucking guts. I really do...so much that even though I've already dedicated half a blog to her, now that I truly have gotten to know her...I need to dedicate a whole blog...Sarah Palin looks like an obese version of the baby in the E trade commercials if an anvil fell on her head....and like in the cartoons she became an accordion. She looks like a midget with her pudgy clubby little face and fingers. Looking at her makes not only makes my penis shrivel up, but I find that even balls curl up and go inside. I literally get a full innie from this woman. She is more disgusting than Robert Downey Jr. in a Sudafed factory, scarier than Tara Reid in a bikini, and has less of a soul than Bill Maher. I HATE THIS WOMAN. She is my female Jimmy Carter (of course, one could argue Jimmy carter isn't a man either). Now, why do I hate this marshmellow of a woman so much? Why do I want to take my hands and wrap them around this woman's windpipe until her voice is so rhaspy she sounds like Tom Brokaw? Well, I don't know if you know this...but I am an animal rights activist. I'm a vegetarian, don't eat, wear animal...and here comes Sarah Palin...she is in favor of something called Aerial Hunting. Let me explain to you what that is for those of you who don't know. Aerial hunting is a "sport" where people get in helicopters, fly around open fields with a gun outside, and FROM THE AIR shoot wolves! They don't keep the wolves! They don't eat them! They don't do anything but FLY AWAY! Now, why do they do this? Why do they just randomly kill these wolves? This is the incredible part...they do it because the wolves kill the moose...and they don't want the wolves to kill all the moose because (and here's the incredible part, and it's all scarily true) THE HUNTERS WANT TO KILL THE MOOSE THEMSELVES DURING HUNTING SEASON!!! AHHHHHHHHH!
So, let me get this straight!? We are killing fucking animals out of fucking helicopters so we can fucking kill OTHER animals on land!? SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY!? THIS IS NOT A SPORT, this is a fucking massacre! It's a fucking genocide. I'll tell you who thought the same way! A little known guy by the name of ADOLF HITLER! We have to kill all the Americans, English to get to the REAL problem...to hunt down the rest of the Jews, Gypsies and gays. It's like if I said I needed to kill every English person in the world to get to the scottish fucks in the UK. I truly hope Sarah Palin falls out of one of those helicopter and those wolves rip her apart like that 17 year old boy did to Bristol Palin's vagina...oh sorry...like that bastard baby will do to Bristol Palin's vagina. I HATE THIS WOMAN. I HATE HER pudgy little michelin man face, and I hate her fucking pig with lipstick smile. ANYONE, who treats animals like that should have to face those animals later. I want to take her and Mike vick and put them in a cage with a pitbull and a wolf and just watch those animals destroy them like how bush how has destroyed our economy...slowly, painfully, and with unfathomable stupidity. I'd love to aerial hunt Mccain, but I feel like, how fun of a hunt would he be? I'm sure he can't run fast... and I heard melanoma doesn't taste very good.
You know me...I've always been an Obama supporter, but now...I hope Biden destroys this woman at the VP debate. I hope he hits her so hard she feels the pain of every fucking moose she's ever shot in the head. I hope he smacks her so hard (metaphorically) that Bristol Palin's water breaks. I'm less rooting for Obama to win, and more I'm rooting for Sarah Palin to get a severe neck injury. Hopefully she'll pull a Tom Brady.

Anyway, I'm Jewish...and it's a new year...Just wanted to apologize to anyone if I've offended them throughout this blog...it was always totally my intention to do that...and I'm sorry if you are all too much of pussys to enjoy good comedy (unless your sarah palin or jimmy carter...I'll never forgive...never forget) A very happy Rosh Hashana! May you all be inscribed in the book of life and not the book of death...but if you are inscribed in the book of death...eh...I'll see you there soon.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Patriots Lost, Tom Brady's leg is jelly, so god won

WOOO! It's only week 3 of the football season and already I can see God's wonder and miracles playing into the National Football league schedule. Now, again, I know what you're all thinking...why would god bother wasting his time working on who wins football games...how trivial? But, you know what else is trivial? Bowling...and god invented that...so suck it.
Now, where to begin. We all know from my previous blogs that God hates Tom Brady. He hates him because he has a bastard child, wears the colors of the sinful, baby-aborting, pot smoking Netherlanders (Nethlandsians?), and he represents a state that allows homosexuals to marry. So, I wasn't surprised when Tom Brady went down...I mean, I really wasn't surprised...I've been betting on Tom Brady to get injured since he had his child before the 2007 season...you just don't bet against god...for some reason he always has better odds than the others...it's as if he is all knowing or something? So, not only is Tom Brady's leg now more broken than David Duchovny's marriage, but also the Patriots had their worst loss at home ever...Now, of course they did, they were playing the dolphins. Let's look at this completely logically. The Dolphin is one of the most caring species on the planet. They bare their young peacefully and do their very best to raise them properly (like humans). They are the only animals, either than humans that have sex for pleasure (and no female dolphin complains about their partner's penis size, but really that's because the Dolphin sound is too complex, could you imagine them trying to tell their partner that? EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH). Anyway, the dolphins might have pleasurable sex, but there's no adultery in the dolphin code, no aids, no STD's they are pure sexual animals...unlike humans who...thank you jesus for this comedic gem...are born in original sin. Now, I know what you're thinking...well, what's wrong with a patriot...I mean, nobility, power, honor! But, let's look at some of our greatest patriots... Thomas Jefferson... adulterer, and Slave fucker...He's a regular John Edwards! He's got a wife, and on the side he's boning a slave! Even had a kid with her! Of course...according to those times the kid was just 3/5 a person so maybe it was just 3/5 a sin. Lincoln...new information and research shows that he might be a homosexual! How coincidental, he lived in a log cabin and liked his cabin Logged! And George Washington, the ultimate patriot! The bastard with the wooden teeth! "Chopping down cherry trees" were metafors for his raping of hundreds of virgins.
So, like usual...God Smote the unholy.
He destroyed the evil, virgin bursting, popsicle pushing, blackberry juice drinking, patriots and allowed the sweet, tranquil disease-free dolphins to roam free.
AND to think, if Tom Brady just would've worn a condom none of this would've ever happened.
1 year, 4 months, and 3 days since the birth of Tom's Bastard...and counting, his continuous defiance of god metaphorically dickslapping god in the metaphoric face....and don't think we're not watching you Bristol Palin! Don't think we expect you or your husband to win any Soccer or hockey or Gorodki competetions lately...I say Gorodki cause we all know Alaska is so close to Russia...and Gorodki is their national sport.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm tom Hanks...my laptop is wilson


I understand if this picture is too graphic for you..WHY!? WHY!? p.s this is not my computer...but it really makes you think...what if it WAS!?

My computer died this weekend...it was awful. It was like losing my only child who I stored all my porn on. It died Saturday early-evening during a 12 hour marathon of House on the USA network. I couldn't tell you what time my computer stopped working because, well...I get the time from my computer. Look! I can see it right now! It's 5:40 PM! Let's say my computer died around 6 on satuday, so..until today...Tuesday I had had no computer, and it's like losing one of your five senses. Having a loaner computer is like having a loaner car...it's the same thing...it's a car, but yet for some reason you just don't feel fully comfortable using it. Like...will they know when you return it that I go to perez hilton to see who Miley Cyrus is dating? Or that I read that I play computer games nude? What about the scar on my right shoulder? I'm scared to put any love into this computer because I know I'm going to lose it...it's as if this computer is my foster child, I'm in this strange moment with it and I'm not sure what to do..sure I want to treat it right, but...I mean, it's going to be leaving me soon...like the kid in Angels in the outfield, only I can't see Angels and if I did the dude from Back to the future wouldn't be one...though Danny Glover could be an angel! Love you Danny!
Now, some of you might be thinking, oh David! You're overreacting, this is a computer! It's not a person...but that's not true! This computer is like a girlfriend to me, a brother, sister, mother, father. It helps me with my homework, it puts me to sleep with music, tells me when my next class is, I tell it my comedy and my most intense moments, and also...it helps me orgasm. It is everything!
Literally, not having a computer from Saturday to Tuesday is like being sucked into a black hole of which I thought I'd never be able to breathe again. I didn't care about the Hurricane Ike victoms until I realized that they probably wouldn't have computer access for WEEKS! Here's how my days went.

6:00 ish (Saturday) Watched House for a while. Began getting ready for a party, realized I didn't know where the party was. Now, usually I'd hop up on facebook and it would say, boom. Party at this place at this time...but no computer, no facebook. So, now I had to CALL my friends to find out where the place is, and you know how annoying that is? When you want to call your friends to talk for a second but you don't want to be rude...so you gotta have that weird conversation?
EXAMPLE

Me: Hey man
friend: Hey
ME: ....what's up?
friend: nothin much man, you?
ME: um...nuthin much
BOTH: ......................
friend why'd you call?
ME: you know that party tonight?
friend: yeah.
ME: where's it at?
friend: dude. i don't know I'm just going with this group. come with the group.
ME: who's the group?
friend: john, justin, janine, jack, jorge, jill
ME:I don't really like Justin
friend: cause he's black?
ME: no not cause he's black cause he's an ass hole
friend:yeah he is an ass hole... so you gonna come with us?
ME: nah
friend: alright peace bro.
ME: peace
PROBLEM NOT SOLVED!
this happened a couple times until I just called the host of the party and he gave me the incredibly legnthy unnecessary directions...I get it! It's the third house on the fucking street and if I get to the deli with the fat lady on it I've gone too far! JEEESUS! Stop telling me it thirty times.

IF ONLY I HAD FACEBOOK AND A COMPUTER THIS PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED!

let's fastforward to 3:00 am Sunday morning, just got back from the party.

You know when you're too drunk to sleep, but your not drunk enough to be well...drunk enough? You can't read...too drunk...can't just sit around...not drunk enough...how about a game on the computer? Surf the internet? Look at some naked pictures of celebs and giggle? AHH no computer! So, what'd I do instead? Sat in the shower for an hour. Which is ok...I mean, I like sitting in the shower...you got water, you got sitting, what's there not to like? It's like the brunch of showers. It's not a shower or a bath, it's not breakfast and it's not lunch...but like...I would've rather watched a bootlegged version of the old garfield cartoons.

SUNDAY! FOOTBALL SUNDAY!

It's sunday gotta place my bets...SHIT. Gotta do my fantasy shit...SHIT. gotta watch my packers game on tv...SHIT. Check the injury reports? NOPE! Blogs on the Packers (my team) NOPE!
YOU CANNOT WATCH FOOTBALL WITHOUT A COMPUTER! Football and computers are equal. You have to pregame for the football game nowadays, and I don't mean with liquor. The internet wasn't created by Chuck Norris, it was created by the NFL...check out Mike Vick's website www.Iwasoncearolemodelbutnowimgettingitdoggystylebyamannamedpacoyesiseetheironythatimgettingitdoggystylebecauseikilleddogs.com (I didn't realize how long his link was so for those who aren't dyslexic, here's it with the proper spaces. I was once arole model but now im getting it doggy style by a man named paco yes i see the irony that im getting it doggy style because I killed dogs .COM!) Let me just say, as a warning...the website, don't go there if you have a weak stomach or are a heterosexual..unless you're into that stuff which is cool with me.

MONDAY

I couldn't do ANY homework, everything was on the computer. I couldn't check the news, couldn't watch The Daily Show! I was hopeless! So, instead I played video games all day and called up some family members (I know scary right?)

Now, I have my computer again, and life is ok again. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and though I lost about three months worth of comedy that was on my laptop I feel like I'm ready to start anew with my new baby. Right now this loaner is ok...It's like when your dog dies when your little and your parents get you a bunny until they are prepared to get you another dog, becayse they don't want you to be sad until the dog shows up? Yeah...I'm gonna miss my old buddy. But, I know...wherever he is (probably in the metal of some children's toy made in china or my dog's food) he'll remember me...and just like the robot Haley Joel Osmond did, he'll finally...go to sleep. WILLSSSOOON! WIILLSSSOOONN!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Vitamin water + Sarah Palin + David = Arsen and Murder


I was in the supermarket the other day (if you're ever considering mass murder the supermarket is a great place to do it. Stupid people, lots of fun places to hide, enormous amounts of food. I want to set the lobsters free). So, I was in the supermarket the other day and something really pissed me off. I was in the drinks section. All around me was coke and sprite, some juices and then I saw of course, the 500 different brands of water, but then, in the water section, I saw something so irritating that it would make Alvin and the Chipmunks blow their heads off. When did vitamin water become WATER. When did Life water become water? You ask any irishmen what life water is they'll tell you simply...it's whiskey. What about this bullshit propel fitness WATER? This shit is not water! Water is NOTHING. Water tastes like NOTHING. It's not red or pine-guava-orange flavored! Once you put shit in water it becomes juice! How do you make orange juice? ORANGE JUICE AND WATER! How do they make that vitamin water shit!? JUICE AND WATER and if (here's some math) JUICE + WATER = JUICE Vitamin water = Juice + water therefore VITAMIN WATER = JUICE!
Why is it called water? It is an insult to the refreshing non-taste of water. I wouldn't want to bathe in vitamin water! If phoebe cates had propel fitness water pouring all over her while she took her top off in "Fast times at Ridgemont High" it would just be weird and gross (unless you like that sort of thing).
All I'm trying to say is that if you put anything in water...it no longer becomes water, it becomes juice.
Lemons plus water plus sugar = lemonade.
Apples plus water = Apple juice!
I could do this all day, but then you'll want to go to the supermarket and shoot the deli meats.
And the thing that pisses me off the most! These fucking crystal light commercials! You know the ones I'm talking about! The fucking commercials that ask you "is your water too pale?"
YES! YES CRYSTAL LIGHT! MY WATER IS PALE! IT'S SO FUCKING PALE THAT IT'S CLEAR, LIKE WATER SHOULD BE! That's like saying, are your fingers TOO fingery? Is your textbook to page-y? Well, this powder will fix that! Oh please! Water is supposed to be so pale it's clear, and if it's not...it's probably juice.

ADDENDUM


Speaking of overhyped, well advertised shit that's bad for your body and soul, Mccain picked his running mate. The Stone Cold Fox Sarah Palin! I say stone cold because her clitoris is as sensitive and gentle as a stone and her vagina is colder than the used-to-be ice, now water in the melting north pole. I can't tell you how much I hate this woman. She has the face of a fat, baby version of tina fey, and the body of an oompa loompa. She looks like a smashed crushed milk carton on the ass of a dead polar bear. Now, the candidates say that her 17 year old WHORE daughter is off limits, but happily to you all...I don't have limits. I mean, who remembers my heath ledger jokes blog? I mean, come on I'm such a JOKER. This 17 year old girl, Bristol, gets knocked up and we're supposed to just be good people and ignore her getting blown up like Violet Beauregarde after she chews the 3- course meal gum? (I'm in a willy wonka mood). That's no fun! This girl Bristol Palin first of all, gets knocked up by a hockey player...a HOCKEY player? Ok. Ok. I know this is Alaska, but this is still America right? And hockey players, are like 4th class citizens in the U.S. Yes, cindy Mccain, I know, Alaska is right next to russia, where the Miracle game occurred, but still not a good enough reason. A hockey player Bristol? Abort the kid before it blows its head off realizing who its father is. I will say this about Bristol Palin, I'd knock her up. I mean, she's got a little meat on her bones, but so do I right? So, does like 50 percent of America? Of course, I'd get her to abort it, cause as we learn in previous blogs, if they can't outrun a shotgun...it's an abortion. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
How do I end this blog? I'll leave it at this.
Sarah Palin believes we should all drill in Alaskan oil reserves, I believe we should all be drilling in Sarah Palin.