Sunday, August 24, 2008

Lovin' is what I facebook

I just signed onto facebook and this is what was on my homepage: (names were changed in order to not embarrass, I'm a compassionate person)

Michelle wrote on Alex's wall at 10:15 AM
"I lovc you baby"

Alex Wrote on Michelle's wall at 12:37 PM
"I love you too baby"

Michelle Wrote on Alex's wall at 1:42 PM
"I love you I love you I love you I love you"

Alex Wrote On Michelle's wall at 5:12 PM

"<3 <3 <3"

Michelle Wrote On Alex's Wall at 7:50 PM

"I love you baby! i love you and I miss you!"

Alex Wrote On Michelle's Wall at 10:34 PM
"I miss you too. See you soon"

AHHHHHH! Are you FUCKING SERIOUS!? This is what I turn my computer on to!? I sign on facebook to find some nice pictures of strangers (when I say strangers I mean close friends) to masturbate to and I need to see this shit? Look. I'm a fan of facebook, I think it is a wondeful way to communicate, meet people, plan social events, and...ahem...get cell phone numbers when your phone "goes swimming" in the box of wine you were chugging in your ex boyfriend's bathtub. (check blog on cell phone number groups). BUT COME ON! Is that really communication? Love you, love you more, love you more AND the more you write that shit the better chance it's going to come up on my wall. Now, I get it, these people are boyfriend and girlfriend, so they torture each other in a monogomous relationship, but why drag me into it! I don't mind drug addicts until they try to get me to do their shit! Same business! I don't want to hear about how much you love each other or how fun the ferris wheel ride was, and how cute it was when pookie threw up after the tilt o whirl, and I certainly don't want to hear it from facebook's home page! Facebook is for more important things, like seeing how good close friends look in Bikinis, or to see if the girl you hit on while drunk was actually as hot as you thought she was (the answer is usually no, but I look at her bikini pictures anyway). Oh and by the way, I'm not against monogomous relationships, that's very wrong. I love them. My parents have been married 27 years, 9 of them were happy, then I was born. I hope to have a long, trustworty monogomous relationship one day with a woman I find special (any takers? Call me ;) ), but I sure as shit won't express it on facebook and sure as the hair on my nipples being darker than the hair on my head won't date someone who'd express it that way.
Here's ANOTHER thing I hate when couples do...Hold hands.
Now, i don't mean it, like when you're at home holding hands looking into each other's eyes, the guy's cock is slowly trickling over to the side of his thigh, or in a movie theatre where you're holding hands watching the movie, and your guy's cock is slowly trickling over to his thigh...no what I mean, is when people hold hands and walk on the street because now you have made a wide, long moving, impenetrable wall. On narrow sidewalks I can spend blocks walking behind two people holding hands, and what is one to do? Once I walked THROUGH this lovely couple holding hands and they looked at me like I just ended their relationship, like I just ruined their evening! Even more so, if you are a fat couple, you should know better, because not only is it IMPOSSIBLE to go around you, but it is certainly impossible to go through you guys without getting smushed like Lance Armstrong's cancerous testicle. Just walk next to each other! How about a hand over shoulder!? Saves room and is more intimate.
So, what did we all learn from this blog? You want to date..that's nice, I just don't want to know about it! And trust me, when I find a crazy bitch (or someone I knock up) I'll make sure that the only thing her hand is touching is my balls, and the only wall posts she'll get from me is, "Sorry baby, I was really drunk last night. I didn't know she was your sister."

P.S. I turned 19 on Wednesday. NO, I don't feel any different, SO don't even ASK! Being 19 is like being in purgatory. You're no longer 18, but you sure as shit are not 21, so you're stuck masturbating sober during a cigarette break just waiting for the sweet sweet fix of liquor heaven a couple years away...it blows...but thankfully according to my ID I'm 24 and from Alabama.

PPS The Olympics ended to day in Red China, and man did it go out with a bang! The chinese, in order to prove that the girl gymnast was indeed 16, not 13, leaked candid photos of the girl sending naughty pics to her rocker boyfriend. They also believed to have given The Olympic committee the girl's hymen in proof that she was 16 (Saudia Arabia didn't buy it because most hymen's there are popped by 10 years old).

PPPS Joe biden is Obama's VP nominee. I was going to vote for Biden, but he dropped out and had no shot. I love Joe Biden. He is an American bad ass, like Kid Rock but with talent. Bobiden 08! And yes I'm copyrighting that.

Monday, August 18, 2008

UH...LIMP...ICKS


The Olympics are in full swing people and you can tell the Olympics aren't happening in the USA because for once, there is a scandal involving a 13 year old that doesn't involve a teacher, priest or a sicko with a water gun and candy! (sometimes all three at the same time though) Of course, I'm talking about the Scandal about the Gymnast who helped win gold who turned out to only be 13. But, I don't see a problem with it. Everyone knows that 13 year olds are more flexible than 16 years olds (Trust me I work at a day camp with a bunch of them ;] ) so why not have the competitive advantage? In my opinion, it's just smart strategy. Kind of like those strategies those guys that are on Dateline have. (yes, I just made a Peta file joke about myself, there is a first time for everything)
Oh yes, Beijing, it's not quite "1984", but I bet you if Orwell made a prequel it'd be a lot like Beijing is right now...I have a good title for that prequel...1983! (eh fuck you I thought that joke was funny!)
But, seriously, fuck China. I have not watched any Olympic coverage because I will not support the massive human rights violations and the under-the-table weapons deals to Sudan.
Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking...You're thinking that I'm a hypocrite. I talk about human rights violations when less than a month ago I wrote a blog about committing genocide on Millions of people...but you see...as I said in that blog. None of those people were persecuted due to religion or race...they were persecuted for good reasons...for being retarded (and not the actual retarded, those guys I like cause they always laugh at my jokes).
I say, if we want to see a real Olympics, we give the angry Darfurians and the Oppressed persons in Africa a couple hundred million dollars in weapons and set them loose on China...then we'll see if "GLORIOUS CHINA" can handle it. For some culture aspect, we can have them all wear white shirts, put a huge black light on and have them battle Cirque De Soleil style! OH WAIT! Chinese people already glow in the dark due to the massive pollution! You know what else glows in the dark? Cat Piss. And that's what Beijing's human rights smells like, dirty, dirty, cat piss.
I don't like China, but that doesn't mean I don't love the Chinese. No my apologizes, I Ruv the Chinese! They are so nice, even though they don't have any peripheral vision. I think the Chinese PEOPLE deserve the Olympics, Oh wait...sorry, the Uhrimpics, but the government can go exactly where the whole "Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian story" can go...Right up her girlfriend's vagina. I don't know...I mean, Lindsay Lohan is hot, but if I wanted to have sex with something destroyed by cocaine, drugs, and a shitty childhood, I'll fuck pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr (less facial hair than Lohan).
But, seriously, I would not be able to write this article about the China in China, they would probably "Reeducate me" Which means, shock my balls until I am so numb I would feel like Tara Reid after a night on the town. I, as much as the next person criticizes the U.S. but I gotta say, we have it pretty good here. I mean, if China is 1984, I'd say we are like the classic book "Where the Red Fern Grows" with those cute little fucking dogs chasing raccoons with their little child friend, except at the end the dog doesn't die, it becomes a world power for 300 years until ceding to other dogs because it has been borrowing from those dogs and has spread it's resources out all over the world because of Idealistic ideas.
Well, I'm going to continue to boycott the Olympics, sorry, sorry, again It's in China this year I keep forgetting, the Uhrympics, because I want China to have the same rights we do. For instance, the Chinese government confiscated 200 bibles today... and that is just wrong! I believe the Chinese have the right to read fairy tales just as much as the next person. Where would we be without the story of Noah or the Berenstein Bears? (Ooo hit the religious people hard with that one!)
So, in conclusion, fuck China, sometimes yay America, and let's all remember the most important thing we learned during this Olympics:
Michael Phelps is a Nazi-killing, Baby-Saving Superhero.
The the 2012 Olympics in Rundon!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Come on John Edwards! Just Masturbate!

She's certainly a step up from Lewinsky.

This blog is a sequel to the blog of several months ago called "Come on Elliot Spitzer...Just Masturbate!" For more on how masturbation could save your life read that blog too.
ANYWAY, John Edwards..you are a dumb ass. Just a stupid stupid man....Man, am I happy I didn't vote for you for president. How ironic that the out of the three families vying for the democratic nomination, the only one that hasn't been torn apart by extra-marital affairs is the black family? Barack Obama...continuing to break down walls.
But, seriously COME ON EDWARDS! I get it, the wife had cancer, and no one likes cancer, especially the person who has it...did you think she was a goner Edwards? Is that why you did it? He thought, "its a victimless crime...she'll be dead soon?" I'm not sure...but I REALLY don't understand why you don't just masturbate! I don't get it! I know, I know, your hand is not a vagina, so go get one of your aides to buy you a nice 40 dollar fleshlight or pocket pussy.
Seriously though, I don't understand these politicians, the spitzers and edwards'. I mean , if Obama wins the election Edwards was favorite to be the attorney general! The man had an incredible career ahead of him and now it could all be over cause he was fucking some chick when his wife was possibly dying of cancer.
We all know Obama is a superhero (Hancock or Ali, or J from Men in Black, or that black dude he played in "Pursuit of Happyness") But, I truly believe if I wanted one politician to play Batman, I would've picked John Edwards...now I bet you he wishes he was more in Heath Ledger's position.
GUYS! God created hands to fit on penises for a reason! It's like cookies and milk, hand on penis just works!
You know, there are rumors he's got a love child too! AHHH! He has to learn from the greatest peruzer of all time, Bill Clinton...one word...BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! What a dumbass! I can get some of the things he did I really can. I'm not saying i condone it, but I understand it. He wanted something physical, he wanted to be with someone he didn't want to take care of someone...OK! OK! Got it. So, go out on a date with a girl, cuddle, do some heavy petting, maybe a blowjob, but you didn't need to fuck her! You didn't! You know what? I know this isn't 7th grade again, but Handjobs are better than nothing because you have put in no work, the gross domestic product is 100 percent (for all you economics wizards out there).

Guys, the simple solution is to Masturbate. John Edwards is rich...Very rich. Find some great websites that you enjoy, maybe some live web camming and chatting and go to town! If he did that, then maybe this situation would have never happened.

On a serious note. To Elizabeth Edwards, this poor poor woman. I hope she pulls a Hillary Clinton. Gets one hundred percent healthy and then sews that vagina shut! Just don't wear the pant suits. These people are not just adulterers, but also idiots! You could have been the leader of the free world! You could have changed millions of people's lives! But, you needed to get your dick wet.

All I can say is...the positive out of this whole thing...the thing John Edwards could look back on and say, "thank god I didn't do that", is that...well, she is not a hooker...and he took his black socks off during the sex.

Olympic coverage this week! (though I won't be watching it, due to my own distaste for the sudanese genocide, I don't hate all genocide just the sudanese cause we've done enough to the blacks, but we can talk about that another time)
UNTIL THEN!!! GET OFF MY BLOG AND GO MASTURBATE! or get kinky and masturbate to my blog! That's HOT!