Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Heil Obama (and black people)


Wow! Barack Obama has had quite a summer. He won the primary elections, he was in People Magazine with his children, and he starred in his hit autobiographical movie "Hancock", which has now grossed over 200 million dollars. But, not even his movie has been as big as his recent outing. Barack Obama has just got back from a trip to Europe. He visited, France, Israel, Jordan, Germany, and a couple other places I couldn't give a shit about. I gotta say, I think he finally convinced the Jewish people to vote for him on this trip. I mean, there is something about a person of power in Germany giving a speech to 200,000 screaming Germans that gives all the Jews around the world goosebumps. But, this trip has made me realize the importance of words, they can really bring people together...plus Obama is black...so I have an idea for reparations.
Barack Obama is against reparations, he says that reparations money could be used to put black kids through school and give them health care and other faggot shit like that, but I think I have a solution for what to do with reparations.
Currently, when somebody sneezes, most people say "God Bless You" But I really think that's inappropriate. You see, according to the latest polls only about 75 percent of Americans TRULY believe in a higher power. About another 15 percent are on the fence about it, and 10 percent are atheists, agnostics, heathens, sodomites, Baby Killers, rapists and Asians (ok, so the last 10 percent just are atheists, it doesn't mean they are bad people...just you know...will burn for all eternity).
ANYWAY, I find it a very uncomfortable endeavor to say to people I hardly know "god bless you" I mean, what if they don't believe in god! I don't want to impose my religion upon these people! That wouldn't be fair right!? I mean, we never do anything like that in America! Unless, it's about Abortion and how their lives are sacred according to the bible due to them having a soul...OH! and how, in court we swear an oath on the bible...and OH! and How some courts have the ten commandments up...OH and how gays can't get married...OH and how we have Christmas mangers in city hall lawns...well...I think sometimes maybe, kind of we don't impose our religions on other people...I mean, I don't (Jews are the chosen people, Jews are the chosen people, Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Tommy Pickles).
ALSO, for the people who are on the fence I don't want to confuse them by saying "God Bless You" to them, cause well...that's just rude.
So, at first I thought I had a solution...just say bless you..but that doesn't work...cause who's blessing you? I mean, i could be thinking "Satan bless you" or worse! "Bush bless you", you could fit anything in there! And if no one is blessing you, than what's the point? You could just tell someone to fuck off and it wouldn't make a difference. So, I just don't think it works! SO, I think for reparations we should change the god bless you reply to "Black people". So, I sneeze, and someone says to me heartily and happily "BLACK PEOPLE!" and I thank them and we continue on with our days.
NOW, if this works I want this phrase to become our hello and goodbye.
Like, the Hawaiians have Aloha, Hebrew has Shalom, and I know many other languages use the same word for hello and goodbye...I think ours should be "Black People" Just like how Heil Hitler was the hello and goodbye in Germany (where Obama spoke) so should black people be here. For instance, "Heil Hitler" used to be something people just threw into conversation back in Germany...here's an example of a conversation between a German Butcher and a customer.

Customer walks in

Customer: Heil Hitler
Butcher: Heil Hitler
Customer: What meat do you have today?
Butcher: Well, we seem to have some delicious pig just in, roast beef, lamb, Deer, Jew.
Customer: What was that last one?
Butcher: Deer?
Customer: Oh. Too bad I was looking for some Jew meat...so be it. Tell your wife I say hello. Heil Hitler.
Butcher: (happily) I will! Heil Hitler!

SEE HOW WELL THAT WORKED! I think it's the PERFECT reparations. That is how it should be with the phrase "black people" always immortalized with hello, goodbye and after sneezes.
There would need to be some changes to some great songs though. For instance the Beatles "Hello Goodbye" Would now be called "Black people, Black people"
NEW BEATLES CHORUS
"You say Black People, and I say Black people. Black people, Black people. I don't know why you say Black People, i say Black people"

The doors would have to change their songs to "Black people, I love you"
"Black people, I love you, won't you tell me your name. Black people, I love you, won't you jump in my game."

And of course, Outkast's Hey Ya would now be "Black people Ya"
"Black people Ya! oh oh, You think you got it, oh you think you've got it, but got it, just don't get it when there's feelings involved! BLAAACCCKKK PEOPLE YA!"

So, what do you all think? The perfect reparations for the blacks...it would make Obama happy and keep up with his trip to Germany!
So, in conclusion, I would just like to say Heil Myself, Heil Obama, and Heil Black People!

Talk to you all later!
Black People!
And as Jim Carrey once said in the truman show , "and if I don't see ya, Good Black People, Good Black People, and Good Black People"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I AM THE DANCING QUEEN!

With all the talk about "The Dark Knight" breaking records, people seem to forget about the other movie that broke records. EVEN I, forgot about "Mama Mia" making the most of any musical movie has ever! So, as an apology and tribute to Mama Mia...Here I am, honing all my skills to become...The Dancing Queen!
If someone can send this to Meryl it will be very appreciated.
Thank you,
David

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y7eXM7M1b0


UPDATE

The song is a hit! 100 views on youtube and I'm even being linked to other blogs! This one from an ex teacher of mine. Though I hope you enjoy her blog, I hope she doesn't read mine...she might realize the monster she's made.

http://whosvaguely.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A sample of my immaturity

This isn't as much of a blog as it is simply an example of my extreme immaturity that I thought you might all enjoy.
Today, I was walking through the "Gallery Place" (a mall in Philadelphia) when I heard the song "Hey There Delilah" By the plain white T's. It is certainly not one of my favorite songs, but I do find the song pleasant and pretty when in the mood. So, as I listen to the song, I realize that Delilah ALMOST rhymes with vagina. So, I decided to sing the song to myself, but swapping Delilah for Vagina.
So, I started singing, "Hey there Vagina, what's it like in New york City, I'm a thousand miles away, but tonight you look so pretty."(by this time I was laughing my ass off in the middle of the mall)
then,
"Hey there Vagina, don't you worry 'bout the distance,
I'm right here if you get lonely, give this song another listen.
Close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise."
At this point I'm almost on the floor, I belt out in this mall laughing "VAGINAS DON'T HAVE EYES!" Laughing so hard I fall onto a bench where I stay for about a minute.
Finally, I go into footlocker (my initial destination) the man said he saw me and said what was so funny...He seemed a decent fellow...young...so, I told him how HILARIOUS that Delilah song rhymes with vagina. He got angry, told me that was one of his favorite songs, and how I've just ruined it for him.
I apologized and left...
My immaturity isn't appreciated...
and if I ruined the song for you guys too...I'm sorry...
but I just think it's HYSTERICAL.
that's all

Sunday, July 20, 2008

500 hits! Al gore, Mohammed, death to cigarette smokers! This blog has everything!

I usually wait more than a day to write another blog, but I am just SO infuriated right now...I gotta say get something off my chest.
FUCK ALL YOU AL GORE HATERS! FUCK YOU ALL. I'm not saying Al Gore is perfect, I'm not saying his slideshow "Inconvenient Truth" got me to go out and save the fucking planet, to be honest, I'd settle for Captain Planet any day...but at least he's fucking trying, more than most of your asses are doing. All these haters say "Oh, he has a private jet, look at all the gas he's wasting to do this", or all he does is buy carbon coupons" WELL GUESS WHAT!? That's more than most of us do! He's promoting ways to stop global warming! Or do you think it isn't an issue that Penguins are freezing to death due to the north pole raining instead of snowing or Polar Bears resorting to cannibalism due to lack of food? I guess it doesn't matter to you fuckers since you can't eat penguins anyway (EXCEPT eskimos I guess). What the fuck have you been doing? Yes...Al Gore could be as boring as a "Geology for dummies" book and as tedious as trying to make salt move with your mind , but at least he's trying to do something helpful. 
All he's trying to say is, "HEY YOU! FUCKER WITH THE PLASTIC BAG FOR A CANDY BAR! SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? GO FUCK YOURSELF."
And how about cigarette smokers! I mean, do you know how to use a fucking trash can? Does it say on the pack "when done throw butt anywhere?" Everywhere I look...Cigarette butts, usually only feet from trash cans. When did it become socially acceptable to throw cigarette butts everywhere on this planet? Just because you've decided to kill yourselves slowly with an addiction doesn't mean I want your fucking papers and filters everywhere. USE A FUCKING TRASH CAN! I mean, everyone would complain if there were syringes on the ground, or if I were to just toss a piece of paper on the ground, what gives these fuckers immunity to just toss their trash anywhere. Fuck cigarette smokers. And cigarette butts aren't cute, or nice either, they smell, they are ugly, usually bland colors like beige and white...if we are going to insist on throwing cigarette butts on the ground let's at least get some natural colors to offset their ugly ass look. Or get some advertisements on it...I mean, why not...we are already selling adspace on blogs (look to your right, support the people in Berma if you'd like) and places as historic as museums...I went to the "Franklin Institute's presentation of the Star Wars Exhibit presented by Verizon" I mean, come on! So, why not this too huh? I swear to god, some places in Philly are like a picture you'd like to put up in your Office, but throw in the cigarette butts and it's only good enough for your guest bathroom. It just boggles my mind! I mean, sometimes cigarette smokers are just walking, and they'll just throw the cigarette down...WHY!? WHY!? You're already walking! You're going to get to a trash can VERY SOON! In Philly there is a trash can EVERY BLOCK! Can't you wait 3 more seconds! You're walking there anyway! Are you THAT BAD AT BASKETBALL? You can't even put a tiny thing inside a giant barrel...I'd hate to see you in bed...I'm sure you hear a lot of "oops wrong hole" comments and screams.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ONE CIGARETTE SMOKER WHO HAS EVER TOSSED HIS/HER'S BUTT ON THE STREET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AL GORE! NOT ONE CAUSE IF YOU ARE YOU'RE MORE HYPOCRITICAL THAN GREG HOUSE AT AN INTERVENTION.
This isn't looney tunes guys, where two cartoon animals get stuck in a cave, and they each look at the other, and the character turns into a chicken and they try and eat each other..this is real life, and If Al gore wants to help us out, well, fucking let him!

p.s. My blog has reached 500 "unique hits" in about 7 months, and about 800 regular hits in that time...Though I believe probably 499 of those are from my mother, I thank all of you for reading, not murdering me, or throwing me to the FBI. And to the people who constantly read my blog on facebook...thank you to you people too for not reporting my notes as "offensive to facebook."
Couple fun things about my blog and the 500 unique hits...2 were from Iran! IRAN! Two people from Iran have read my blog! I actually got a review in the Iranian Newspaper, "The Daily Achmadinijad"
"David Schwartzbaum (yes...he's a Jew but ignore that), though blasphemous and insulting toward the teachings of our holy q'uran and of Allah (peace be with his name) has the comedic timing of our own Maz Jobrani, with the style of the HYSTERICAL Omad Dijalili...(who have both been hanged by the our blessed president) Check out his blog, but only when you are not in our country, or else you'll be executed."
A pretty good review I think. ALSO, 7 people from the United Arab Emirates have read my blog! Which means, at least 9 Islamic people have read my blog...and to thanks them all (really...it's super cool). I'm going to show you all how in touch I am with you guys...and no, I'm not going to do what Obama did and dress up in a bathrobe (I bet you my brother loved that joke) but instead I'm going to do something better...Islamic readers, this is from me to you,
"Allashu Akbar
Ashbadu Allah Ilaaha illa-Lah
Ash Hadu Anna Muchamadar rasuulullah
Hayya alas Salaah"
Just a little Arab "Call to prayer" action that's all for you all!

So, that's a total of at least 9 middle eastern arabs who have read this Jew's blog...so you know what I'm thinking? We've tried everything else! Let's get these guys to come talk to me! Maybe through mean, bigoted humor we can solve the whole Middle East wars! Moses and Mohammed were great guys, but one thing you never hear someone say about them is "Mohammed told such funny jokes!" I think all we're missing is some humor (except for funny cartoon pictures of the great Mohhammed because then there's riots (not an over reaction AT ALL). So, what do you all think? Do you think, now with 500 "unique hits" I can bring about world peace? Or did I just in this blog insult 1.5 billion people in the world and more than likely have just got a Jihad placed on me (which I'm cool with, I'm pretty sure an ex girlfriend has one on me anyway).
But, I'll tell you one thing, Moses, Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ninjas, that rock you found in your driveway after you lost your virginity to your sister's little redheaded friend...whoever you believe in...that's cool with me and you know why? BECAUSE I BET YOU THEY THREW AWAY THEIR FUCKING CIGARETTES!
Thank you all for the reading, and may Allah smile upon you from his blessed prophet Mohammed.

(note from the editors of blogspot:
Though we find David to be a man with an interestingly schewed vision of the world, his opinions on Mohammed and other customs and traditions that make up the wonderful religion of Islam, that has given us things like mathematics, is in no way ours, so please...please... If he insulted you, don't blame us. We love Mohammed. A couple of the staff here at blogspot call Islam their religion, we even let them have some extra time off during the month of Ramadan cause we know they are fasting...so please...please...just..you know...if you're going to kill someone over this blog...just him. Also, just fyi, there were some racial comments about the Jews in this blog, but they were removed after we received death threats and lawsuits from Barbara Streisand and Steven Speilberg.
P.S. We also apologize for his Heath Ledger Blog...I mean, just really, really inappropriate)

Heath Ledger was awesome...can he take a couple jokes though?

I saw Dark Knight tonight...woof...people...it was a movie. The acting was superb, the writing and directing was fabulous and the special effects...orgasmic. Of course the stand-out of the movie was Vanilla Heath Bar Ledger Crunch who lived up to the hype and gave an incredible performance, and this blog is a tribute to the man, the myth, the accidental overdose victim...heath ledger.
Here's a couple original one-liners in memoriam of Heath Ledger.

(WARNING
These following jokes are mean and insensitive and show no care toward the sanctity of other people and death...because really...when it comes down to it...he's dead...so...why not?
PLUS. I mean, he WAS in Casanova...that is enough reason to be able to make fun of him a little) NO SPOILERS from the movie...don't worry...just mean mean jokes.

In response to Heath Ledger's passing, Prescription pill manufacturers are coming out with new pill bottles...one hundred percent Heath Ledger proof.

Sleeping pills are no longer going to have child-proof caps, instead they have come out with Heath Ledger proof caps...sadly they are a couple months too late.

(Those two were similar jokes, but don't know which one of these two was better, so put them both in.)

Heath Died at Ashley Olsen's house. It wasn't an accidental overdose, truth be told he did it because Ashley Olsen was making him watch Full House.

Heath Ledger got his breakthrough role with Julia stiles, "In ten things I hate about you." The only thing deader than Heath Ledger is Julia Stiles' career.

What did Heath Ledger say to his prescription pill bottles?
"I just can't quit you" (brokeback mountain)

God has taken two of the top Australian entertainers in the last two years...Heath Ledger, and Steve Irwin...so when is he going to take Mel Gibson?

I'd kill myself to if I had to fuck Michelle Williams.

Heath was waiting on a massage when he O'Ded...I guess that's not the happy ending he was probably expecting.

Heath Ledger is still alive!...Nah! I got ya! I'm such a JOKER

(THE MEAN HEATH LEDGER JOKES END NOW)

Well, hope you all enjoyed those. But, seriously, the movie was fabulous, and his performance was great....a very sad loss for the entertainment business
IN GREAT NEWS THOUGH! Andy Dick, that sausage sucking poo poo penis painter was arrested! Here's hoping he goes to prison and gets 3 holes ripped open in his ass 10 times bigger than the ones that Phil Hartman recieved in his head in Vengeance (not that i hold a grudge or anything). If you don't know why I hate Andy Dick...ask Jon Lovitz!

That's all for now...I hope you laughed a little, then realized what you were laughing at, got mad at yourself, then got mad at me! Now, if you excuse me...I have some Ambien, Zanax and Alcohol to mix together.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The top 5 groups I'd like to commit a genocide on


This is a simple blog. I've been in a murderous mood lately, so I decided to think about who are the top 5 groups of people I'd like to commit genocide against to cut down on the world's population. The rules are simple...I can have any reason to commit genocide...One rule...can't do it to Jews because they've already had one and Black people cause they have and continue to go through sooo MANY.

5. Homeless people- I'd like to kill ALL homeless people. What do they do either than beg for change, piss in public and call me "big guy" whenever I don't give them change. I don't appreciate a homeless man commenting on my weight! He's homeless! I don't say to him, "hey smelly, hey dirty, hey diseased, here's some change!" Fucking ass holes. Homeless people are the cum stain on the otherwise beautiful bare chested picture of Earth. Also, don't think I'm mincing words...all homeless people! Drug addicts, mentally unfit ones, and ones that just went into bad luck. And how do we kill them off? Well, simple. We put all of them into a state...I'm thinking Montana, fence it off, parachute in knives and an enormous amount of drugs, film it and watch them slowly kill themselves and each other off! It will be as dirty fun as Cops, as "edgy" as Intervention...I'm sure Fox will stick it in right between "America's dancing talent stars who can dance Idol" and "House".

4. President Bush approvers - President W. Bush has an approval rating of 28 percent...lowest in history...some people think that's funny, but I think it's SCARY! There is still over a fourth of the country that likes these guys! These people MUST die. I mean, seriously? This president has left us more fucked than a deaf, blind, mute kid auditioning for the school band! Now, I don't mind the people who are like, " well. he tried...blah blah blah" I'm talking about the APPROVERS! The people who ACTUALLY said in these polls that they APPROVE the president. AND WHERE ARE THESE APPROVERS!? I'm not sure they exist! I've never met someone who was like, "oh yeah I approve of dubya's policies" since 2004! The way we'd kill off all these people is simple...ship them to Guantanamo...make them all get naked and build naked pyramids...make them blow some arab people's cocks, water board them, and finally kill them off some good ol' fashion texas food. OF COURSE this would also all be televised because it would simply be too gruesome, bloody and disgusting to not be televised...except for the blowjobs part...that's obviously inappropriate ( sexuality...grrr) and will not be on tv...but the water boarding yes...because we got to protect our children from the evils of sex.

3. Annoying atheists - YES! ANNOYING ATHEISTS! Believe it or not, I believe in god! I believe in a higher power AND I believe in science! AHHHH! BLASPHEMY!!! I believe in god and do not condemn any other people (except in this blog) for believing in other religions or no religions! So, I don't want to hear your shit about how "religion has destroyed the human race." Fuck you. Fuck you. There is nothing wrong with being an Atheist, just like there is nothing wrong with being a Catholic, Buddhist Arab, Jew, Shintoist, and whatever as long as YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT AND DON'T TRY TO BRING PEOPLE OVER TO YOUR SIDE. Darth vader would have never died if he wasn't so set on bringing luke over toe the dark side! You annoying atheists are just as bad as the crazy catholic preachers! It's all motherfucking conspiracy! Religion did this! Religion made this up! Religion made you do that! Religion is the cause for all the wars in the world! Mel gibson said the same thing about the Jews when he was piss drunk! Well, I say, fuck you...I say god did it. Go fuck yourself. AND whenever there is like a new discovery, a new fucking animal is found in a hole in some forest in Kandahar, it's ALWAYS a sign that there is no god! Why? Because we found a new species of animal? Oh yeah! And you say that the smarter the human race gets the more we cling to our books, well again...fuck you! I don't cling to any fucking book! If i clang to anything it would be your mother's sweet sweet ass hole...well I wouldn't actually...anal sex is a sin...unless you use holy water to lubricate. And If I do cling to a book, that's cool too! I'm Jewish we are the "people of the book." If it's stupid to think that this life has a deeper purpose that we don't understand then I guess I must be one of the 28 percent who approve of George W Bush's policies. AND just like I'd like to kill all the annoying atheists, I'd love to kill all the obnoxious religious people who stand on sidewalks and preach to me as if I'm somehow going to stop my brisk walk to hear how if I don't believe in Jesus I'll burn for all eternity. If a result of not having to listen to you spit and scream in my ear about satan means my soul will burn in eternal hellfire...I'm willing to risk it to not hear your bullshit. You believe in god? You don't? That's great! Keep it to your fucking self! When we die, I'll either meet you up in heaven with a "Fuck you I was right" atheists! Or it won't fucking matter cause I won't know shit! CAUSE I'LL BE FUCKING DEAD SO STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT!
Now, how would we kill these blasphemous preachers? Well, simple...Jihad...Holy war.

2. Joggers. Don't like Joggers. They totally think they are better than us! In their metaphoric walking thrones of gold, jogging with their little headphones in ignoring the world, sweating, losing wait, mocking me with their toned running bodies. I haven't run since my bar mitzvah when I was being introduced at the party. And have you noticed that the water Joggers drink always looks so much better than the water you're drinking? You always want to know where they get their water but you can't stop them because they are fucking jogging! And then they get to the fucking corner light and instead of stopping at the red they begin to jog in place! Oh come on! Fuck you! The light says stop you ass holes!
Now, there is one exception to the rule...hot joggers, and especially joggers with big titties stay living, because sometimes you're driving or walking and are just in a bad mood and next thing you know there are two sweaty bouncing titties, in front of your face. It's almost like the woman is riding you cowboy style and you're just watching her boobies go up and down, up and down, UP and DOWN (sorry got distraceted) in front of you. It can make a bad day turn great for a minute. And nowadays we have all these tvs in cars (I'd kill the people with more than one tv in a car too) but there is no need for them! You see, because the entertainment is outside by the big titted joggers...one rule though for the big titted joggers, to live...and to jog...no sports bras. Also, you can stay if you have small boobs but a NICE ASS.
How would we kill them? Simple tie them up, so they can't jog, feed them donuts, and pizza, and bagels non stop, blend that stuff up and feed them until they die of ultimate obesity! MWAHAHAHA.

(HONORABLE MENTIONS)

People who watch both Oprah and Dr. Phil.
People who just watch Dr. Phil
People who buy books because Oprah told them to do so.
People who can name the names of Britney Spears' kids.
People who call Kevin Federline K-Fed.
People who say they "love" a band or singer when really only knowing like 3 songs. "Oh yeah! I love Michael Jackson, Billy Jean and Thriller are such good songs!" AND??????
People who wear Shirts that they can't live up to. (Saw a girl wearing a ramones shirt. It had the names of all the ramones on it...Joey, Johnny, Dee, Dee, and Marky. I say to the girl, you're wearing a Ramones Shirt? Name me one of the members of the ramones. She had no idea...it's on your shirt!" If you wear a shirt that says "party naked" you better fucking party naked (Suzanna)
People who pour chips into a bowl to eat UNLESS serving it to a group of more than 4 people.
People who give poor people food stamps instead of money. (Actual food is ok)
People who don't think polar bears are cute.
People who show up (purposely) an hour late to sports games
People (who are over 7) that make fake fart noises after a joke or in an awkward situation
People who "cock knock other people for no good reason"
People who throw away newspapers.
People who buy a 5 dollar starbucks coffee EVERY MORNING.
People who still think O.J. was innocent
People who make bad knock knock jokes to little kids.
People who eat at Mcdonald's as a full meal more than twice a week.
People that wear tanktops when not playing outdoors (just as a shirt) Wear a t-shirt or neither...pick a side.
People who still believe global warming is a myth.
People who laugh at Dane Cook's jokes.
People who think ALL babies are cute!
AND FINALLY,
People who have a baby girl and dress them in a neutral color like yellow or a light blue and then get angry when I tell them oh what a beautiful boy you have! All babies look like one gender! If you don't want me to call your boy a girl, or your girl a boy! Put them in pink or blue! Or else your at risk and don't get fucking offended! BOY - BLUE. GIRL - PINK! Don't like it? Then fucking put a tag on him that says "hi my name is BOY"

AND THE NUMBER ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO BRUTALLY MURDER....!!!!

1. People who still wave the confederate flag. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!? COME ON! Seriously? I mean, forget that the flag is bigotted and frankly symbolizes a ton of evil in this world...but you lost thew fucking war! You don't see NAZI flags being flown in Germany or English flags being flown in towns in America! You lost the fucking war! I don't see any Ottomans flying the Ottoman empire flag in Austria right now do you? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT SORE LOSERS! THEY LOST! The confederates lost! The blacks were set free! Get rid of the fucking flags. You people say, "it's part of our history" Oh...bigotry is part of our history? Yeah. We know! That's why we still have 15 percent of the population who wouldn't vote for a black guy for president, but would go spend 10 bucks to watch Will smith play a drunk superhero! God dammit! The confederate flag stands for EVERYTHING BAD! It would be exactly the same as me hanging a flag of me whipping a black man on a plantation. That is what it symbolizes! I mean, for god sakes guys, Jesse Helms died! He died! Let's end this bullshit of the "confederate flag is history" So is the muder and rape of millions of Indians by Americans but we're not promoting that with a flag of columbus anally raping an indian with his feather hat! It's racist! It calls up a bloody, disgusting time. It insults people...AND YOU LOST THE FUCKING WAR! THe fucking lakers weren't running around with their fucking flag after the celtics won the championship! That would be stupid...and just dickish.
How would we kill these people? Well, i bet you about 90 percent will be dead after we kill the president Bush approvers, but the rest...hahaha. Slave labor! AND to black people! AND they work in factories that make hair weaves, root cream, and watermelons! And finally they die by burning so that when they die they can meet their maker BLACKER than the people they continue to belittle!

AWWW! I feel SOOO much better. Hope you guys do to after that. Murder always puts a smile on my face.
Well, hope you enjoyed my blog, cause if you didn't...I just might have to kill you too! HA HA HA HA HA...no seriously...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

"Sanctity of life" HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh. The fourth of July! Independence day! The day where our forefathers declared their independence from the Gay-loving, Aborting babies, socialist pig English! God. Thank god we believe in the "Sanctity of life, unlike the Brits huh? I mean, abortion is wrong...It's just wrong...It's murder, that fetus could be a really great homeless person one day, or who knows...maybe grow up to be redeployed into our never ending war on terror. It's like the republicans who pretend to care about mothers when they talk about abortion and the "sanctity of life" THE SANCTITY OF LIFE! HAHAHAHA! SO, let me get this straight Mr. W Bush. A pre-natal fetus' life is sacred, but Killing 150,000 innocent Iraqi civilians is part of some plan? Where is the fucking sanctity of life in that? Tell me? The 3 or 4 redeployments of soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, over 4000 soldiers have died, DOUBLE than in 9/11 and where is the "Sanctity of life" in that! But, the poor fetuses! Oh my goodness, the evil mother doesn't have the money to take care of the kid, or is 16 years old and they can't understand the "Sanctity of life" but YOU mr. Bush, YOU fundamentalists understand the sanctity meaning we can kill 200,000 innocent people? Your views are more skewed than a muddy windshield on a dark highway. Or more skewed than a FETUS, cause they don't THINK!
That is why I'm Pro-Abortion. Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, "Pro-Abortion"? He must mean pro choice...NO! PRO ABORTION. My motto is "Suck it out" I don't care the reason. My belief is if the baby can't outrun my shotgun shell than it is an abortion. I asked a person studying in child development what she thinks the age a child can realize she/he has the consciousness to know to run and hide from a shotgun, she told me the kid should be around 3 years old probably...PERFECT! It is abortion NOT murder until the child is 3. If they can't outrun a shotgun they are fair game. I mean, isn't that what the conservatives feel about animals? I mean, they are dumb animals that can't outrun my semi-automatic used for "hunting." So, I'll just call it hunting too! I mean, you gotta be quiet, don't want to startle the baby, nobody wants to shoot a crying baby that would just be awful.
But, seriously, this is a great way to discipline your child UNTIL they are three. Just watch this scenario.
Father: No more TV today
2 and a half year old: BUT DADDY
Father: Do you want me to kill you. According to the law it's ok.
2 and a half year old: No daddy. I'll go to sleep and turn off the tv!

BAM! A solution! Now, some of you might think that what I am saying is sickening and disgusting, and maybe you're right... all I know I know I can certainly think of some two year olds I'd like to smother in their sleep. I don't even want to know the reason why you want to kill the 2 year old! He looks to much like his adulterer father, he has blue eyes, and you have green, or just frankly he pissed you off because he won't stop playing with that fucking elmo toy...ABORT HIM!
This will be a great way to reduce green house gas emissions. They say by 2050 there will be 9 billion people in this world...NOT IF WE START ABORTING BABIES! Imagine how much better the environment would be if we knocked off a billion people.
I got an idea! Let's throw all babies in the nile!
Nah...too biblical...
let's convert them, and if they refuse to accept christ we'll kill them!
Nah...still to biblical!
Oh..I got it! Let's gas them!....
nah...only to the Jewish Babies...and still too biblical
WAIT A SECOND! ALL THESE THREE THINGS HAPPENED TO JEWISH BABIES! HAHA! HOW STRANGE!?
I guess in the past 2000 years Jews' lives haven't been as sacred as a fetuses either.
Or darfur! We are celebrating the Olympics in China, one of the biggest distributors of weapons to the rebel fighters who have killed and raped over 1,000,000 people. BUT, their lives are certainly not as sacred as little Ms. McCarthy's fetus...I mean Mccarthy is catholic, and the sudanese are black!
I mean, it's ok if we enslave an entire race, and then free them only to segregate them...their lives aren't as important...as long as we PLEASE don't abort little Ms. O'leary's White, christian, god fearing baby! COME ON PEOPLE! THE SANCTITY OF LIFE!
I don't know...I like the shotgun rule.
We all know about Shotgun weddings, time to start with shotgun abortions.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, "GOD BLESS AMERICA! AND GOD BLESS THE WORLD ON THIS INDEPENDENCE DAY! WE TRULY UNDERSTAND THE SANCTITY OF LIFE MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE BRITS WHO ALLOW SOMETHING AS HEINOUS AS ABORTION!
Fucking pussies dropped out of the Iraq war last year and according to the G8 is the best developed country in combating green-house gas emissions...America was last...but not if we start aborting babies...and when I say babies...I mean, 3 year olds...and black people...and gays...and Jews...because on this independence day...THAT IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT! THE SANCTITY OF LIFE!

oh I'm just kidding America, I love you!

(Note from the editor)
Blogspot.com would like to remind anyone reading this blog that it does not agree with Mr. Schwartzbaum's views on Abortion. We believe in the sanctity of life, and have no ill feelings toward any of the minorities of the world. The idea of mass genocide toward any people just cause they annoy you is wrong...unless we're talking about homeless people, cause they just pee everywhere...including on Mr. Schwartzbaum's door and it's just gross and smelly.