Saturday, June 28, 2008

You lost your cell phone? WELL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

I am irritated people! I am irritated and I am angry. And it's not because in the last week or so Barack Obama has been flipping and flopping more than a couple IHOP pancakes, but it's because of people dropping their cellphones in liquid. Don't get me wrong people, I understand it sucks when you drop your phone into water or juice or beer, I've done it before...but leave me the fuck alone on Facebook! I get more event and group invitations for dead cell phones than I get wall posts from friends who still have my number! Now, It wouldn't be SO irritating if like the title of your event or group, you were just like...ok...lost my phone...I'm a "Jimmy Carter" (defined as a dimwitted ass hole douchebag, with a vagina head. (I am trademarking it)) just leave me your number. BUT, people try to get cute! They make group names like "My phone went swimming in water" or "my phone drank my beer" NO! NO! NO! That is not what happened AT ALL! Your phone didn't "go swimming" it's a fucking inanimate object! What happened was you were in the shower masturbating and your phone rang, u grabbed it, with some lube in your hand and it fell into the shower and died OR you were piss drunk, you spilled your beer on everyone else and your phone. AND enough of this bullshit where we give inanimate objects human traits. Unless you are a fucking poet trying to personify a blanket to symbolize the sky and heaven, JUST DON'T DO IT! It is NOT cute. I don't want to hear how your special pillow was lonely when you were on vacation, or how your favorite blanket mitsy, that you got on the day you were born missed you...IT DIDN'T! It didn't miss you for one fucking second! It is not an animated object, it does not breathe, talk or FEEL so stop pretending like it does. IT DOESN'T even have eyes like a doll! I don't want to know that your slurpee is feeling self conscious...AT ALL.
BUT COME ON, If you're going to make me join your group, put my number in and leave your group at least tell me really how your phone broke and how you were not able to get the numbers out! I want to HEAR YOUR MISERY AND YOUR HORROR STORY! Tell me about the transvestite at the club who took your phone and dropped it into his pants, throwing himself into a vat of jello, and you had to reach into his pants and grab it, but his crotch sweat melted the screen, then tell me how verizon wouldn't give you a new one because they do not insure pre-op crotch sweat damage, only post-op and that the computer machine that switches the numbers was "broken" that day and so they couldn't give you numbers..then I might want to do it. But, why in the world should I take time out of my fucking day to give you my number? Just because you lost your phone I should sympathize with you?" You didn't get hit by a grenade and lose all memories of cell phone numbers, there was no recent trauma, YOU were retarded, YOU lost your phone, so now YOU can do the work to get the numbers back.
When the time finally comes and you get a brain tumor from overuse of your cell phone, I'm sure your going to make a group called "my phone gave me a boo-boo. Make sure to bury your phone alongside your blankie and special alarm clock. I'm sure they'll help you get into heaven. But, I have a wonderful feeling that there is no phone service in heaven only sweet sweet silence, and maybe some honey graham crackers CAUSE THOSE ARE DELICIOUS!

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