Sunday, June 1, 2008

It's summer! Release the Boobies!

God almighty it is summer. How do I know? Because now whenever I take a shit I not only have to wipe my pee off the toilet seat, but also my ass sweat. It's just soooo hot. It's so hot it's not worth wearing underwear, any kind...I don't care how loose or comfort fitting the underwear is, it's just not worth it. Like, having soaking wet underwear is gross no matter who you are...no one wants to feel like they just got off of splash mountain after all they did was sit in a Chili's for two hours...it's gross! God. I hate global warming and summer...and not just because Morgan Freeman and I love penguins, but also cause it's HOT. It's just too HOT. I'll tell you the good thing about it being hot though...women in wife beaters...OHHHH YEAAAHH! I mean, boobies just look great in wife beaters. I don't care if you're a fat woman or a skinny woman with little peanut nipples or any woman inbetween, your titties look great in a wife beater. It's a rule, I think it's the pattern of the wife beaters, but boobs always look good in them. Now, the rest of you might be repulsive...but that's ok! Because I'm only staring at your boobies. Let's stop and talk about boobies for a second, because you see...boobs are fun. I mean, I don't know what boobs are made out of, but my guess is that it is made out of actual liquid fun. I watched an episode of spongebob (proud to say I'm a spongebob fan, member of the jellyfish fan club) where Plankton asks Spongebob what fun means, and spongebob goes through this whole elaborate song about how fun means, friends and doing anything...but it's much simpler! Spongebob should just turn to plankton and go...you know what fun is? TITTIES! I swear to god titties are just bags of fun. There is nothing more fun than a great breast. NOTHING. Look. you don't believe me? Give a guy a boob to play with and dont tell him to stop, no strings attached, I gurantee you he'll be there hours just plunking it around, playing ping pong with it, throwing things off it, patting it and watching it do the wave...it's like giving a cat a yarn ball or a stoned kid aluminun foil and scotch tape. Also, every man has a fantasy to one day do to boobs, AND I'm not talking about sexually here, I'm talking about completely non-sexual and weird. For instance, I think it would be hilarious if I was able to get like a few pairs of boobs together, took some sharpies (cause pen just wouldn't be classy or professional) and drew some characters on them, tied those boobies to some string and had a puppet show! This is a thing I've actually thought of (sorry mom) and why did I think of this strange thing? BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND BREASTS ARE FUN! I used to watch wrestling and the announcer Jerry the king lawler used to call breasts puppies and I thnk that is the greatest comparison to breasts there is. Breasts are puppies because they are non-stop fun and they are just so fucking cute! You don't know how the puppy is going to grow up, is it going to be an ugly dog, a hairy one? It doesn't matter because right in front of you are the cutest puppies EVER. I mean, honestly, have you played with a puppy, you can play with them for hours! Just like boobies! I have never heard a man say to himself, "god I am just so sick of playing with my girlfriend's breasts" It doesn't happen! Breasts are the greatest invention! God literally made Adam, looked at him and said...well, I'm already going to make the girl have a vagina, but how can I make her more fun? Oh yeah...good idea....give her some boobies!
I worked at a Maternity center for three months and I saw the worst breasts you can imagine. Breasts the size of bowling balls swelled up, infected breasts, breasts bruised from breastfeeding but it doesn't matter because breasts are breasts! I mean, us men are obsessed with them! I mean, we're all looking at pictures of Miley Cyrus' titties and she's 15 years old! But you see there is no age to breasts, there's no past regrets in breasts, no guilt they are just bags of fun.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah...the summer...Well, I got to tell you. I've done nothing productive this summer either than get sick. Like literally the most productive thing I've done this summer is beat Grand Theft Auto IV. That's right! I beat that game and no...I don't want to steal cars and murder people...but I do want to have sex with prostitutes, but I wanted to have sex with hookers LOONG before grand theft auto came out. Seriously though, anyone who plays grand theft auto and then thinks they can be a criminal in real life should be shot...and I could shoot them I learnt how to from Grand Theft Auto. No joke. I have put 43 hours of playtime into Grand theft auto to beat it. That is almost two days of my life and I have NO regrets about it because realistically the time I spent grand theft auto would have just been spent either masturbating or watching cartoons and the best is when you do them together. You don't believe me? You turn on the Disney Channel's Kim Possible and tell me she's not the hottest piece of cartoon ass you've ever seen Oh don't you judge me! You know you have all seen the picture of 15 year old Miley Cyrus in her bra, but I don't judge you...they are titties.
You see ladies, boobs don't judge...they don't judge! They are just there! Now, I know...I haven't gotten into nipples which are SUCH an important part of the breast because it gives it personality, but that's for a different time. I just leave you with this piece of advice. Next time you are staring at a breast treat it like a piece of corn on the cob. Grab it, hold it in your hands...don't let it slip away, and then alternate nibbling and sucking, nibbling and sucking the little kernels.
Now, you might ask after this raunchy blog, hey David either than doing open mic night stand up comedy (at the helium comedy club on 20th and sansom tuesday nights at 8 0 clock (wink wink)) What are you doing over the summer? Well to be honest...I'm the drama teacher at a YMCA camp for 5-11 year olds...god bless the USA, and god bless breasts. As a friend of mine says, and I don't know where he got it from..I think from Voltaire..."Can I get a thumbs of for titties?"

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