Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Celtics won, so God won.

The celtics have won the NBA Finals! The Celtics have won the NBA Finals. 22 years in the making! All the Irish in Boston are gonna not only beat the shit out of their wives tonight, but in the drunken excitement give a couple smacks to their daughters! Of course. Just like how I knew the Giants were going to win the super bowl...I knew the Celtics were going to CREAM the Lakers. How did I know this? Well, it's simple...I know God...and God wanted the Celtics to win. Now, why did god want the celtics to win? Well, simply because the Lakers are a bunch of godless heathens. But, let me explain to you my reasoning one by one.
1. The star of the Celtics, is a loving, caring, Married man in Kevin Garnett. The Lakers star, Kobe Bryant, is an adulterer and rapist. That's right, it was the married versus the promiscuous and God always has the better man win. Everyone thinks Kobe can't win a championship without Shaq, but the truth is, he can't win a championship without god. Ever since he put his Penis inside the girl in Eagle Colorado's Vagina, he has not won a championship, while Visa Versa, Kevin Garnett got married only two years ago. That year he was traded to the Celtics, and later he won the championship. This shows that god loves those who get married, and then when married don't have sex with some ugly chick and get accused of rape and then keep your wife by buying her a 2 million dollar ring (woof. out of breath). Kobe broke three commandments that night in Eagle Colorado. 1. Don't commit adultery. 2. Do not have envy toward your neighbor's ox (in this case the ugly chick would be the ox_ 3. Don't fuck ugly chicks...especially if you're handsome and rich (don't get mad at me guys it's in the bible) ALSO, the engaged Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett both have new babies less than two months old, while Kobe's kids are much older...and God has a soft spot for babies. He tells me he looooves the movie baby geniuses, the idea of babies talking blows his godly mind.
2. GOD HAD TO SEND A MESSAGE! Do you think it was a coincidence the Lakers lost by 35 THE DAY the gays were allowed to get married? God had to say something! Now, I know what you're thinking, but Boston allows gay marriage too! Yes, but Boston isn't as annoying about it. I mean, all these annoying celebrities were going crazy about it cause it was in LA! I mean, George Takai was quoted, it got so bad that Boy George had a blurb in the newspaper and it wasn't about his escapades in Men's bathrooms. Seriously, if you're going to go against god , do it quietly, LA learned that the hard way.
3. God doesn't like foreigners. Surprisingly god doesn't have anything against black people, because if he did the Celtics would have no shot. In their main rotation, the Celtics do not have one guy that is even white! While on the Lakers they got guys with names like Gasol, Vujacic, Sefalosha, and Medvedenko. God understands that the NBA is not the fucking is the NBA finals of AMERICA, the greatest country in the world and we don't need foreigners taking over our game. I mean, come on, Medvedenko, Gasol, Vujacic, and Sefalosha? It sounds like the list of Gestapo agents that were put to death at the Nuremberg Trials. Phil Jackson made a big mistake man. I mean, signing foreign people to play an American sport? That's almost as bad as if we were to pay other countries for oil...because there is nothing more American than eating a Mcdonalds apple pie, sipping a milkshake, while being covered with oil...just ask Daniel Day Lewis. Look. LA let's all those Mexicans into their state, now he's going to let the Slavs win the NBA finals? Look, the cold war might be over, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend like it isn't? Fucking reds trying to take over our country again, let's go round up Charlie Chaplin again, I mean...anyone who can use a hat the way he does is either communist or off to LA to get married....BUT AT LEAST HE DOESN'T TALK. SHUT THE FUCK UP LA! WE GET IT! YOU'RE PROGRESSIVE AND THE REST OF THE NATION ISN'T! SHUT THE FUCK UP! FUCK YOU! Sorry, Sorry, I got carried away.
ANYWAY 4. Just like in my previous blog about the Giants winning the Super bowl, God hates tom Brady. He has an illaginament son, he is a peruzer, a partier, and wears the flag of the sinning people of Netherlands on his jersey with his Red, blue and SILVER. So, letting the Celtics win was another fuck you to Tom Brady. The red sox have won a championship, the Celtics have, and though Tom Brady is fucking a super model, he will not win another championship. I'm sorry Tom, but you have to learn that even though you have Irish heritage, it is not enough to win you favor in God's eyes. It is simple. The red Sox have Big Papi David ortiz who thanked god a hundred times after his championship, Kevin Garnett, a married, good man, who got on his knees and thanked god after the championship win, Tom Brady? Said he was going to Disney world, the place filled with idols and evil antiquities, not to mention, it was started by a nazi. God has the same opinion on Nazis that indiana Jones has, "Nazis. I hate these guys."

So, you see. It was an easy guess that the Celtics would win the championship. The lakers are sinners, filled with foreigners, and I'm not saying god is spiteful, I'm just saying he hates Tom Brady.
Also, god thinks that Purple Jerseys are pretty faggy, while green....that's fucking coooool, classy and fashionable.
CONGRATS to the celtics and to the Lakers...I long as Kobe Bryant doesn't repent..and you don't kill the foreigners on your will never win another NBA championship.


joshua said...

dude this was pure geniuz keep up the good work dude...keep them coming...

j smooth from california

joshua said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ringleader265 said...

awesome blog

David Schwartzbaum said...

thanks man! keep reading and keep truckin'