Saturday, June 28, 2008

You lost your cell phone? WELL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

I am irritated people! I am irritated and I am angry. And it's not because in the last week or so Barack Obama has been flipping and flopping more than a couple IHOP pancakes, but it's because of people dropping their cellphones in liquid. Don't get me wrong people, I understand it sucks when you drop your phone into water or juice or beer, I've done it before...but leave me the fuck alone on Facebook! I get more event and group invitations for dead cell phones than I get wall posts from friends who still have my number! Now, It wouldn't be SO irritating if like the title of your event or group, you were just like...ok...lost my phone...I'm a "Jimmy Carter" (defined as a dimwitted ass hole douchebag, with a vagina head. (I am trademarking it)) just leave me your number. BUT, people try to get cute! They make group names like "My phone went swimming in water" or "my phone drank my beer" NO! NO! NO! That is not what happened AT ALL! Your phone didn't "go swimming" it's a fucking inanimate object! What happened was you were in the shower masturbating and your phone rang, u grabbed it, with some lube in your hand and it fell into the shower and died OR you were piss drunk, you spilled your beer on everyone else and your phone. AND enough of this bullshit where we give inanimate objects human traits. Unless you are a fucking poet trying to personify a blanket to symbolize the sky and heaven, JUST DON'T DO IT! It is NOT cute. I don't want to hear how your special pillow was lonely when you were on vacation, or how your favorite blanket mitsy, that you got on the day you were born missed you...IT DIDN'T! It didn't miss you for one fucking second! It is not an animated object, it does not breathe, talk or FEEL so stop pretending like it does. IT DOESN'T even have eyes like a doll! I don't want to know that your slurpee is feeling self conscious...AT ALL.
BUT COME ON, If you're going to make me join your group, put my number in and leave your group at least tell me really how your phone broke and how you were not able to get the numbers out! I want to HEAR YOUR MISERY AND YOUR HORROR STORY! Tell me about the transvestite at the club who took your phone and dropped it into his pants, throwing himself into a vat of jello, and you had to reach into his pants and grab it, but his crotch sweat melted the screen, then tell me how verizon wouldn't give you a new one because they do not insure pre-op crotch sweat damage, only post-op and that the computer machine that switches the numbers was "broken" that day and so they couldn't give you numbers..then I might want to do it. But, why in the world should I take time out of my fucking day to give you my number? Just because you lost your phone I should sympathize with you?" You didn't get hit by a grenade and lose all memories of cell phone numbers, there was no recent trauma, YOU were retarded, YOU lost your phone, so now YOU can do the work to get the numbers back.
When the time finally comes and you get a brain tumor from overuse of your cell phone, I'm sure your going to make a group called "my phone gave me a boo-boo. Make sure to bury your phone alongside your blankie and special alarm clock. I'm sure they'll help you get into heaven. But, I have a wonderful feeling that there is no phone service in heaven only sweet sweet silence, and maybe some honey graham crackers CAUSE THOSE ARE DELICIOUS!

Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin dead at 71

Though this is a comedy blog, I must reflect on something very serious for a second.
Today, George Carlin died at the age of 71.
George Carlin was not only a comedian, he was a philosopher, and I may even say to a certain extent a modern-day prophet. He has become an inspiration to every comedian in this generation whether they knew it or not. He was the first to test boundaries with curse words, with bashing the government and even god. I could not be up here talking about Jimmy Carter's razor-riddled vagina head without him. He said some things that, though crass, would be in the book of prophets if it was 1000 years ago that we should all live for today.
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"

Today we mourn a legend. Sadly this time though George, if you're listening to a eulogy it will be yours.
A true fighter for comedy, a true philosopher in life.
George Carlin continued to beat his streak of most consecutive days alive, until last night.
RIP.
And though I've never met you, I feel the world now and forever will be a little less funny and a lot stupider without you here.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Celtics won, so God won.

The celtics have won the NBA Finals! The Celtics have won the NBA Finals. 22 years in the making! All the Irish in Boston are gonna not only beat the shit out of their wives tonight, but in the drunken excitement give a couple smacks to their daughters! Of course. Just like how I knew the Giants were going to win the super bowl...I knew the Celtics were going to CREAM the Lakers. How did I know this? Well, it's simple...I know God...and God wanted the Celtics to win. Now, why did god want the celtics to win? Well, simply because the Lakers are a bunch of godless heathens. But, let me explain to you my reasoning one by one.
1. The star of the Celtics, is a loving, caring, Married man in Kevin Garnett. The Lakers star, Kobe Bryant, is an adulterer and rapist. That's right, it was the married versus the promiscuous and God always has the better man win. Everyone thinks Kobe can't win a championship without Shaq, but the truth is, he can't win a championship without god. Ever since he put his Penis inside the girl in Eagle Colorado's Vagina, he has not won a championship, while Visa Versa, Kevin Garnett got married only two years ago. That year he was traded to the Celtics, and later he won the championship. This shows that god loves those who get married, and then when married don't have sex with some ugly chick and get accused of rape and then keep your wife by buying her a 2 million dollar ring (woof. out of breath). Kobe broke three commandments that night in Eagle Colorado. 1. Don't commit adultery. 2. Do not have envy toward your neighbor's ox (in this case the ugly chick would be the ox_ 3. Don't fuck ugly chicks...especially if you're handsome and rich (don't get mad at me guys it's in the bible) ALSO, the engaged Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett both have new babies less than two months old, while Kobe's kids are much older...and God has a soft spot for babies. He tells me he looooves the movie baby geniuses, the idea of babies talking blows his godly mind.
2. GOD HAD TO SEND A MESSAGE! Do you think it was a coincidence the Lakers lost by 35 THE DAY the gays were allowed to get married? God had to say something! Now, I know what you're thinking, but Boston allows gay marriage too! Yes, but Boston isn't as annoying about it. I mean, all these annoying celebrities were going crazy about it cause it was in LA! I mean, George Takai was quoted, it got so bad that Boy George had a blurb in the newspaper and it wasn't about his escapades in Men's bathrooms. Seriously, if you're going to go against god , do it quietly, LA learned that the hard way.
3. God doesn't like foreigners. Surprisingly god doesn't have anything against black people, because if he did the Celtics would have no shot. In their main rotation, the Celtics do not have one guy that is even white! While on the Lakers they got guys with names like Gasol, Vujacic, Sefalosha, and Medvedenko. God understands that the NBA is not the fucking Oscars...it is the NBA finals of AMERICA, the greatest country in the world and we don't need foreigners taking over our game. I mean, come on, Medvedenko, Gasol, Vujacic, and Sefalosha? It sounds like the list of Gestapo agents that were put to death at the Nuremberg Trials. Phil Jackson made a big mistake man. I mean, signing foreign people to play an American sport? That's almost as bad as if we were to pay other countries for oil...because there is nothing more American than eating a Mcdonalds apple pie, sipping a milkshake, while being covered with oil...just ask Daniel Day Lewis. Look. LA let's all those Mexicans into their state, now he's going to let the Slavs win the NBA finals? Look, the cold war might be over, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend like it isn't? Fucking reds trying to take over our country again, let's go round up Charlie Chaplin again, I mean...anyone who can use a hat the way he does is either communist or off to LA to get married....BUT AT LEAST HE DOESN'T TALK. SHUT THE FUCK UP LA! WE GET IT! YOU'RE PROGRESSIVE AND THE REST OF THE NATION ISN'T! SHUT THE FUCK UP! FUCK YOU! Sorry, Sorry, I got carried away.
ANYWAY 4. Just like in my previous blog about the Giants winning the Super bowl, God hates tom Brady. He has an illaginament son, he is a peruzer, a partier, and wears the flag of the sinning people of Netherlands on his jersey with his Red, blue and SILVER. So, letting the Celtics win was another fuck you to Tom Brady. The red sox have won a championship, the Celtics have, and though Tom Brady is fucking a super model, he will not win another championship. I'm sorry Tom, but you have to learn that even though you have Irish heritage, it is not enough to win you favor in God's eyes. It is simple. The red Sox have Big Papi David ortiz who thanked god a hundred times after his championship, Kevin Garnett, a married, good man, who got on his knees and thanked god after the championship win, Tom Brady? Said he was going to Disney world, the place filled with idols and evil antiquities, not to mention, it was started by a nazi. God has the same opinion on Nazis that indiana Jones has, "Nazis. I hate these guys."

So, you see. It was an easy guess that the Celtics would win the championship. The lakers are sinners, filled with foreigners, and I'm not saying god is spiteful, I'm just saying he hates Tom Brady.
Also, god thinks that Purple Jerseys are pretty faggy, while green....that's fucking coooool, classy and fashionable.
CONGRATS to the celtics and to the Lakers...I promise..as long as Kobe Bryant doesn't repent..and you don't kill the foreigners on your team...you will never win another NBA championship.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

BARACK OBAMA IS THE 1ST BLACK PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!!....AND??? SO...?

So Hillary Clinton did as Robert E. Lee, Confederate army lead general did to the Union general grant in 1865, she gave up and asked all the troops to support the black dude. Ok. I get it. This is the first black person running for president and it's not Chris Rock in "Head of State" that is something to be enjoyed, but does it really deserve this much press? I mean, everywhere I look it's "FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT!" But who cares? I'm just happy this primary season is over! I mean, it was longer than Robert Redford's career, felt longer than Ben Affleck's career, and ended as abruptly and anticlimacticly as Freddie Prinze Jr's (I was hoping he'd be shot).
Seriously, though. I don't care that he's the first black guy, I'm just happy there's a candidate. Like, I don't know what the deal was in the 1960's and like, how black people couldn't drink out of the same water fountains (does water somehow like white people better? Well, maybe they should explore that in "The Life of water 2") or they couldn't sit in the front of the bus (just in case some white old lady needed those front handicap seats) but nowadays, I just don't give a shit if someone is black, white, or someone out of the movie "Tron."
Ok. Ok. So, America has a brilliantly long and deep bigoted tradition, we have raised people like Mel Gibson and Louis Farrakhan, but this is 2008! I just don't give a shit that he's black or she's a chick or that mccain is half horn frog! I'm just happy that Guliani isn't the candidate for either side, and not because he's a closeted homosexual and a cross dresser, but because I REALLY can't spell his name properly.
But, guys. It's 2008! I'm watching the NBA finals and 9 out of the 10 starters on the finals team are black and Pau Gasol the only non-black is from some strange eastern european country that speaks some strange language that probably ends in the suffix "ian" Like Slovokian or...you know...Puerto Rican... I don't know.
I leave you with this...It's 2008 people! It's time to stop talking about how we made history and start making history by just letting the progressiveness of this country happen and shutting the fuck up about it. I feel like America is like the celebrities at the Oscars. We all know you did great work Hollywood, but do you really need to dress up and have an awards show and REALLY shove it in our faces? We get it, America has moved on, so let's have everyone move on.

Note from the editor: I know, this blog wasn't as politically incorrect as the rest and don't you worry I haven't gone soft like Bob Barker's penis, but you see...last time I went political it was all about Jimmy Carter and his Pterodactyl's Spiked Vagina head, so I thought I'd balance it out.

2nd Note from the editor: It's been 6 months since I started writing these and I, with all honesty, appreciate all the reading and comments and support...tell your friends...especially the rich ones. But, I've gotten some heat, especially from the older crowds (who I love) that i'm too dirty, too inappropriate sometimes. Well, let me just say this with the most honor and love and respect toward these people as I hope they continue to read my blogs and tell their friends...FUCK YOU. (this note dedicated to emma and madison)

To sum up. We get it, he's black...that's really not exciting...I'm going to masturbate and play internet video games.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

It's summer! Release the Boobies!

God almighty it is summer. How do I know? Because now whenever I take a shit I not only have to wipe my pee off the toilet seat, but also my ass sweat. It's just soooo hot. It's so hot it's not worth wearing underwear, any kind...I don't care how loose or comfort fitting the underwear is, it's just not worth it. Like, having soaking wet underwear is gross no matter who you are...no one wants to feel like they just got off of splash mountain after all they did was sit in a Chili's for two hours...it's gross! God. I hate global warming and summer...and not just because Morgan Freeman and I love penguins, but also cause it's HOT. It's just too HOT. I'll tell you the good thing about it being hot though...women in wife beaters...OHHHH YEAAAHH! I mean, boobies just look great in wife beaters. I don't care if you're a fat woman or a skinny woman with little peanut nipples or any woman inbetween, your titties look great in a wife beater. It's a rule, I think it's the pattern of the wife beaters, but boobs always look good in them. Now, the rest of you might be repulsive...but that's ok! Because I'm only staring at your boobies. Let's stop and talk about boobies for a second, because you see...boobs are fun. I mean, I don't know what boobs are made out of, but my guess is that it is made out of actual liquid fun. I watched an episode of spongebob (proud to say I'm a spongebob fan, member of the jellyfish fan club) where Plankton asks Spongebob what fun means, and spongebob goes through this whole elaborate song about how fun means, friends and doing anything...but it's much simpler! Spongebob should just turn to plankton and go...you know what fun is? TITTIES! I swear to god titties are just bags of fun. There is nothing more fun than a great breast. NOTHING. Look. you don't believe me? Give a guy a boob to play with and dont tell him to stop, no strings attached, I gurantee you he'll be there hours just plunking it around, playing ping pong with it, throwing things off it, patting it and watching it do the wave...it's like giving a cat a yarn ball or a stoned kid aluminun foil and scotch tape. Also, every man has a fantasy to one day do to boobs, AND I'm not talking about sexually here, I'm talking about completely non-sexual and weird. For instance, I think it would be hilarious if I was able to get like a few pairs of boobs together, took some sharpies (cause pen just wouldn't be classy or professional) and drew some characters on them, tied those boobies to some string and had a puppet show! This is a thing I've actually thought of (sorry mom) and why did I think of this strange thing? BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND BREASTS ARE FUN! I used to watch wrestling and the announcer Jerry the king lawler used to call breasts puppies and I thnk that is the greatest comparison to breasts there is. Breasts are puppies because they are non-stop fun and they are just so fucking cute! You don't know how the puppy is going to grow up, is it going to be an ugly dog, a hairy one? It doesn't matter because right in front of you are the cutest puppies EVER. I mean, honestly, have you played with a puppy, you can play with them for hours! Just like boobies! I have never heard a man say to himself, "god I am just so sick of playing with my girlfriend's breasts" It doesn't happen! Breasts are the greatest invention! God literally made Adam, looked at him and said...well, I'm already going to make the girl have a vagina, but how can I make her more fun? Oh yeah...good idea....give her some boobies!
I worked at a Maternity center for three months and I saw the worst breasts you can imagine. Breasts the size of bowling balls swelled up, infected breasts, breasts bruised from breastfeeding but it doesn't matter because breasts are breasts! I mean, us men are obsessed with them! I mean, we're all looking at pictures of Miley Cyrus' titties and she's 15 years old! But you see there is no age to breasts, there's no past regrets in breasts, no guilt they are just bags of fun.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah...the summer...Well, I got to tell you. I've done nothing productive this summer either than get sick. Like literally the most productive thing I've done this summer is beat Grand Theft Auto IV. That's right! I beat that game and no...I don't want to steal cars and murder people...but I do want to have sex with prostitutes, but I wanted to have sex with hookers LOONG before grand theft auto came out. Seriously though, anyone who plays grand theft auto and then thinks they can be a criminal in real life should be shot...and I could shoot them I learnt how to from Grand Theft Auto. No joke. I have put 43 hours of playtime into Grand theft auto to beat it. That is almost two days of my life and I have NO regrets about it because realistically the time I spent grand theft auto would have just been spent either masturbating or watching cartoons and the best is when you do them together. You don't believe me? You turn on the Disney Channel's Kim Possible and tell me she's not the hottest piece of cartoon ass you've ever seen Oh don't you judge me! You know you have all seen the picture of 15 year old Miley Cyrus in her bra, but I don't judge you...they are titties.
You see ladies, boobs don't judge...they don't judge! They are just there! Now, I know...I haven't gotten into nipples which are SUCH an important part of the breast because it gives it personality, but that's for a different time. I just leave you with this piece of advice. Next time you are staring at a breast treat it like a piece of corn on the cob. Grab it, hold it in your hands...don't let it slip away, and then alternate nibbling and sucking, nibbling and sucking the little kernels.
Now, you might ask after this raunchy blog, hey David either than doing open mic night stand up comedy (at the helium comedy club on 20th and sansom tuesday nights at 8 0 clock (wink wink)) What are you doing over the summer? Well to be honest...I'm the drama teacher at a YMCA camp for 5-11 year olds...god bless the USA, and god bless breasts. As a friend of mine says, and I don't know where he got it from..I think from Voltaire..."Can I get a thumbs of for titties?"