Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I wish I was gay...for Indiana Jones

I'm gay guys. I'm admitting it right here on this blog...I don't know if I like it in the butt yet, but you know...all in good time. You see, I saw Indiana Jones this week and I am now attracted to Harrison Ford...Now look, I am a man who has a staunch, pristine record of heterosexuality, but... after seeing the newest movie, I bought the rest of the trilogy...and when he winks or nods, I giggle like a little 16 year old girl...I want him to play just the tip with me! I don't know what it is...I do like a little S & M so it could be the whip...or maybe the hat...I don't know, but I'd let him Indiana my Jones anytime. I got to tell you, the movie was fabulous. and Even Shia Vagina Labuff didn't ruin it! He was actually ok because they gave him very few lines! But God Harrison ford is an animal! UGHHHH. PLUS I think I should be gay...just cause it's easier you know? I mean, it makes perfect sense god made the man first...its just much easier. Look the way I look at penises and vaginas is the same way I look at video games. A penis is like the old atari games...It's got one joystick that can only move in certain directions and two buttons, press them, move the joystick around and you'll win the game, but vaginas...vaginas man...are like the new crazy video games. the x box 360s and ps3s. These fucking controllers have got triggers, and bumpers and buttons of all different sizes, and TWO joysticks! There are TWO places to put your thumbs! Sometimes you don't know where to put your thumbs and which way to move the joysticks! And a lot of the time, with all these buttons and levers you just press down on everything and PRAY something good happens, some sort of explosion perhaps.
Ugh...harrison ford...before indiana jones there were three men I would do...just out of principle...Jon Stewart (a cuddler), brett favre (he's BRETT favre), sensitive and tough and Denzel Washington (gotta have a black man...due to racial equality rules) but now I gotta add harrison ford in there man...god damn. I swear, I know he's afraid of snakes, but I'd like to show him a snake that I KNOW he wouldn't be afraid of.
Wow. I'm getting pretty graphic here...Let me clear up here, I'm just joking, I am not a homosexual, though I do love gays..not the annoying ones though, but I can say that about anyone. You see, the other day (and this is a true story) I was leaving a party with some ladies, and a very flamboyant gay man goes to me "breeder!" I was confused, so I went to a gay friend of mine and asked what that meant. He explained to me that it was an insult for straight people, like how straight people call really flaming gays fags, they call us breeders...now WAIT A SECOND! REALLY? BREEDERS!? That's all you've got? Why is it an insult to tell someone they can give life? Is that really so bad? I have the ability to have children, something YOU Don't, and something that if your parents didn't do, you wouldn't be here in your pink ramones shirt drinking your long island iced tea.
Look gays say they are oppressed right, but they never EVER have to deal with a vagina...I'm sorry but they are hard! When I have to go snooping down a vagina, I feel like...INDIANA JONES...mmmm... when you gotta go exploring the vagina, its filled with booby traps, all different types of inappropriate holes, layers of tissue and skin, and all I am looking for is that tiny pink dot...the holy grail man. It's the same thing! I'd like to see an indiana jones movie with him trying to go down on some girl...only indiana could pull it off. "Indiana Jones and the vagina of doom"
Let me wrap this up. All I'm saying is that I wish I was gay because you gays got it easy! It's a joystick! Go up and down, up and down, and you're done! We got the fucking three dimensional puzzle to deal with! So, you can't get married? You can't have healthcare rights? You can still get off right?
As I used to say in 7th grade (this is true) "the vagina is an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, that smells like soy sauce"
And I leave it at that

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Evil Train Station blues

It's official guys...mark it on your calendars! May 19th 2008, at 5:46 am...god officially hates me because I masturbate. How do I know this? Either than my hairy palms and my lack of adequate vision...I know this due to my recent travels. Now, as I hope all of you read I had some issues on an airplane earlier this year, and when I say issues I mean, almost dying and sharing a bagel with a woman who looked like Michelle Obama on Lithium. Anyway, what does this have to do with today, and why David are you writing this blog at 5:45 am? All fabulous questions people. You see, my sister was having a graduation in Boston, so I decided to stray away from the Philadelphia airport due to my last plane trip and ride on the safe, on the ground amtrak. From Philadelphia to boston it was lovely, I slept a little bit, read some "Charlie and the chocolate factory" and some holocaust plays...I know...its the perfect balance of salty and sweet...like donuts and ruffles (don't knock it till you tried it), now you might say that comparing the holocaust to deliciously salty ruffles is not a fair comparison, but I will eagerly tell you you're an ass hole. Every ridge in a ruffle stands for one of the lost souls of the young men, women and children who perished in the holocaust. When you buy a ruffle you are giving those people a home...in your belly. ANYWAY, I digress. The ride to boston was lovely and the graduation was also a joy, but the ride back was as awful the show "According to Jim" which believe it or not I actually watched a full season of. WAIT! WAIT! Before you come to my new sexy apartment and burn me let me explain myself! One of my idols is Jon Belushi, and I was too young when the show first started to realize Jim Belushi had absolutely no talent. I mean, honestly, Freddy Prinze Jr. could blow the pants off Jim Belushi in a talent competition. So, when I heard Jon's brother was going to have a show I thought, somehow, maybe some talent of Jon's would have rubbed off on Jim...I watched a FULL season of the show praying the show would get better...but it didn't. If i want to see a fat man be fat and piss off his wife I'm going to watch my boy Kevin James fat it up. Jim Belushi is to Jon Belushi as ticks are to dogs...he's a parasite. ANYWAY, I got on my 6:40 train from boston to Philadelphia. My original arrival time was 12:40. So, the train is going, I'm reading another holocaust play called "the cannibals" nothing funny about it so I'm going to continue...and all of the sudden the train goes black. Now, I'm thinking that this fucking amtrak is about to get hijacked, I mean, they do not check train tickets on an amtrak if I was a terrorist I would totally hit up the amtrak (just kidding homeland security and patriot act. USA USA! Love George Bush!) But, seriously, amtrak is less secure than Fred Savage's house, but I guess people don't really care about Amtrak....kind of like Fred Savage. Though he was funny in Austin Powers with the MOLEY MOLEY MOLE! Even though that was mostly Mike Myers who is a comedic genius. So, the lights go out, I think I'm dead, I think I'm on the universal ride "Earthquake" and millions of gallons of water are about to be poured down on top of me and then an awfully fake truck will almost hit me. But, we just stop....for about 5 minutes. I'm already looking up in my overhead compartment for the oxygen masks! The lights come back on and the train conductor man comes out on the loud speaker "uh...we have stopped" NO SHIT HITCH! (Thought I'd say hitch cause he was known as being perceptive and everyone says sherlock) "I have been informed that there is some something on the track and it will be a half hour before we get going." It's about 7:30 at this point, so I'm like alright man...half hour not bad....I got my holocaust play! Anyway, I wind up sitting in that spot for almost two hours, nothing to do but talk to the crazy old lady with one eye sitting behind me. Turns out she had a granddaughter who graduated from BU, and yes...I got to hear every story about her grand daughter..though she never gave me her name...weird. Any who, I waited two hours on this train finally we started to get going again, but the next hour and a half was like playing just the tip with a virgin (PSA FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST THE TIP IS: Just the tip is when you tell a shy girl, a virgin, or catholic that she doesn't need to worry, you'll just put the tip in and if she doesn't like it you'll take it out...now just the tip works 100 percent of the time, all the time because nobody DISLIKES the tip inside! Come on! BUT if you get a really prude girl...or a catholic, just the tip can be a real ordeal because she can be like "ok just the tip, no no no stop stop. ok ok, just the tip...ok ok farther...farther...no no just the tip! No Stop! It's the ultimate cocktease) So, back to the joke. The next two hours on the train was like playing just the tip with an indecisive prude because the train would go for 5 minutes, then abruptly stop, like sex with al Roker! (that joke makes NO SENSE!) then speed up then stop...then it would it would go incredibly fast, then slow, then REALLY slow for like 20 minutes, then all the lights would turn off. So, overall, I'd say from 7:30 - 12:30 we moved about 20 miles. We then waited for other trains to pass us cause GOD FORBID they would be delayed!!! Finally, we get going, the train conductor man comes on the loud speaker" thank you for your patience we should be moving soon...until then go get yourself a snack at the cafe' cart. Now, wait a second! WAIT A SECOND!? I'm supposed to go and buy food at the cafe cart of the train that has kept me in the fucking train since 6:30? No one sees an issue with this but me? i did get an m and m's though...simply delicious. My favorite is the blue...SHUT UP THEY DON'T ALL TASTE THE SAME YOU NAZIS! That's like saying black people taste the same as Jewish people (black people taste bad cause they are burnt), who taste the same as Hispanic people, and we ALL know that Hispanics taste like a steak burrito with medium salsa, some sour cream and just a drop of lowfat guacamole. Anyway, we are moving now, it's 2:30 the train is going and all of the sudden the conductor man comes out on the loudspeaker, "hello. next is new york's penn station...we will not be going any more south than this...so, everyone must get off." Now, I don't know if you know your geometry...um...sorry...geography, but philly is south of New york! SO, I had to get off at 2"45 am in Penn Station...
(CHEESY ANNOUNCER VOICE)
IN NEXT WEEK's BLOG:
DOES DAVID GET ARRESTED BY HOMELAND SECURITY FOR INCITING A RIOT? DOES HE EVER GET HOME? DOES A FRUIT SNIFFING DOG STEAL HIS ONLY FOOD AND DOES HE CURSE THE DOG UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE HITS ON A REALLY CUTE GIRL FROM EASTERN EUROPE? FIND OUT ALL THIS IN PART TWO OF THE EVIL TRAIN STATION BLUES...IN well..probably the next day or two...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Martha Stewart Iron man Rant

I hate Martha Stewart. You spend enough time in a K-mart bedding section and you'll start to hate her too. Now, let's throw away her whole "I'm rich as shit, but I'm going to cheat the stock market to make more money" escapade, cause who hates anybody who is rich as fuck and tries to cheat their way from the tippy top to the tippy tippy top? You can't hate them! I mean, who hear hates Dick Cheney and Haliburton? No one...cause that would just be plain unamerican. Anyway, I was in K-Mart today looking for sheets and all the bedding was Martha Stewart bedding, and GOD were those sheets awful. Every single sheet, no matter the thread count felt like sandpaper. I feel like sleeping on those sheets would be more uncomfortable than having a threesome with kaiti couric and a bear. A bear because they are itchy and crazy and you'd leave with scratches all over your body (like what the sheets would do to you) and Kaiti couric, just cause I think it would be uncomfortable...she doesn't look like a mover. Like someone who just lays there...quietly, still..thinking about all the nonthings she's done in her life, staring out the window back to her make-up less reflection...sorry, I'm digressing, just reminiscing on an old fantasy of mine where I'm Kaiti couric and Matt Lauer is giving it to me hard...wait? is that weird? ANYWAY, I mean these sheets were just awful...no joke, i could feel the sweat of the Malaysian children on these sheets. Maybe that's what happened, the people paying the little factory children made a mistake and instead swapped the sheets with the rice paper they usually pay the children with. Then there was Martha Stewart pillow, and even like silverware! Yeah! I could just see the tagline for a giant spoon now! "Man, does Martha Stewart have an INSIDE DEAL for you! This gorgeous, giant spoon! Made in Malaysia! Or as we like to tell the kids....the north pole!"
What else has happened in the last few weeks....OH YES! Did you know Obama was an Elitist? Thanks Hillary for pointing that out! Its nice to know that the woman who went to college at Wellesley, then Harvard, and made 120 million dollars last year is just like us...Not an elitist at all! I'll tell her one thing...I bet she hasn't had sex with her husband for about 15 years, which is exactly like most hard working religious americans! EH? EH? Sorry, I'm just kind of proud of that line. But, hillary is no elitist! She only spent 8 years living in the white house! We all get to do that. AND YOU KNOW WHAT!? What is wrong with an elitist for a president? We have a president in the white house now who's chummy and charming and who is just a "Regular guy" and how has that done us? The president should be BETTER than me and you! He is the fucking president! He is the leader of the free world! I don't want martha Stewart or cheech marin as our president. I want Will Barack Smith Obama! You know, I'm still pulling for an Obama/Smith ticket.
Oh shit...the huge Earthquake in China! Killed 9,000 people...damn. awful....but for china that's like when a billionaire loses a dollar...they've got another 2 billion so they shrug it off. I know thats an awful thing to say about people...I agree with you, but honestly..those 9,000 were all going to be adopted by angelina jolie and Madonna anyway...What's that? too soon? Ok...sorry. I apologize. I'm just going to move on with the next joke...we'll postpone the earthquake jokes for future weeks.
I guess what i'm trying to say in this huge rant of a blog this week that has no baring, continuity or makes any sense is that shit goes down all the time. I mean, did you hear how Iron man made 100 million dollars its first week and then 52 million its second? Did you know my nick name is the iron man? Well, its actually not my nickname its actually my co...collarbones! Yes. You pervs thought I was going to say cock, but that's terribly inappropriate and just untrue. He is called the little iron man.
Anyway, that's my rant for this week...not sure what I wanted to get accomplished but I guess it's just my time of the month.
My summer vacation has started in Philadelphia, I will continue to update this once a week (hopefully, I also will start doing open mic in the area and am doing some improv in Hammilton New Jersey, so give me a call if you want more info)
I'll leave you with an inspirational quote from Johnny depp. "“I would do anything Tim [Burton] wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it.”