Tuesday, April 22, 2008

BLOWJOBS (Now that I have your attention)

(A VERY X RATED BLOG THIS WEEK ABOUT AHHHH SEEEEXXX THINGS)
So, I was just making conversation with a girl friend of mine and she got very angry at me. See, I was making Blowjob jokes. For instance I said (referring to her and her boyfriend) You can't wait to suck his everlasting gobstopper until it loses all it's flavor, and he's even got two jawbreakers for you to play with. Now, I thought that was a quite humorous line. She got very angry. She said, "stop making blowjobs disgusting." Well, WAIT A SECOND! Hold on here! I thought Blowjobs were disgusting? I thought that was the beauty of a blowjob! You see, sex can be disgusting or beautiful. Sensual, erotic AND Painful. But not a blowjob! No matter how you spit it a blowjob is always gross. It can never be choreographed like sex into some beautiful ballet, or have some motif of love or lust in it...it's just a blowjob. A dirty, sloppy messy, wonderful blowjob. Great Sex is like a beautiful, perfectly painted painting, while a good blowjob is like abstract art. There's shit flying everywhere, you don't know what color is what, where that liquid is coming from, and by the time the artist is done she's covered in goop.
Women need to realize that men look at blowjobs as sacred things....they are godly. You see, if given a blowjob, a man has to do nothing but enjoy the experience, while during sex he has to work on pleasing the woman, during the blowjob he can put his hands behind his back, maybe watch some T.V. hum his favorite Beach Boys song and just enjoy. It is truly the wonderment of the blowjob. I went through a phase in tenth grade where I was in a school production of Les Miserables, and I found myself at times enjoying my blowjobs while having "Master of the House" stuck in my head. You don't know how much fun that song is until you're singing it while holding a woman's hair.
Anyway, I just don't want women to think of the blowjob as some beautiful romp because it is the only thing us men still have that isn't the lovely love romp through the flowers. Sex is "making love" kissing is sensual and sweet. We need something messy and gross and a little demeaning. We need to know our girlfriends, our friends, our family have one thing in common...that they are all cocksuckers. It's what keeps us going and keeps us from putting up with everything that's thrown at us.
PLEASE. If you want to make the blowjob a ballet, don't make it the nutcracker, make it the helen keller ballet. Bump into things, gag a little bit, and by the end you should have the audience crying with joy for you.
Opinions on this? Do you think the blowjob can be a beautiful thing? Do you want to be?
Am I an ass hole?
PLEASE RESPOND. I am very curious about other perspectives.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

PASSOVER! OH YEAH! OPPRESSION!

Tonight is passover. The celebration of the Jews leaving Egypt because of the oppressive king and then..uh...never being persecuted EVER AGAIN!
Whenever Passover rolls around I always think about the Jewish history, or should I say the history of the oppressed. I mean, shit! We've been beat more timesthan Pee Wee Herman's penis. People say Jesus suffered for our sins, if that's the case then the Jews suffered for everyone's sins, PLUS had to pay the bill for Elliot Spitzer's little rendezvous. After Egypt, the Jews were oppressed in Babylonia and Rome, then by...here's a shocker...the ARABS! After those came the big Spanish inquisition where these things called blood libels were rampant. These libels said that Jews used catholic children's blood to make their matzah...now that is just LUDICROUS. First of all, have you ever eaten matzah? It tastes like nothing and makes you shit out squirrels (the metaphoric kind) I think we should start using catholic children's blood to make Matzah...I mean, the taste of Matzah can't get any worse! Plus, I heard catholic children's blood has a lot of fiber. Maybe a little bit of the blood of christ's children marinade will give it that tang it so desperately needed. It's like putting a splenda in your Cheerios! It kicks it up a notch!
After the inquisition the Jews were oppressed in Russia, but I think that was worth it, because if we weren't oppressed in Russia "Fiddler on The Roof" would have never been created, and then for its revitalization on Broadway we would have never had a gay man, Harvey Fierstein, and a fat lesbian, Rosie, play the parts. But, seriously, "Fiddler on the roof" is like the new NEW testament. After Jesus, came Tevye and his daughters...people are still debating to this day whether or not Tevye was a real person or actually just one giant metaphor. Some philosophers believe "Fiddler on The Roof" was written by three different scholars of three different generations, others believe it is the divine word of God. I'm with the latter of course...no mortal could write something like Sunrise, Sunset. I didn 't even realize there WAS a sunrise AND sunset until I saw "Fiddler on the Roof". Thanks to the show I now realize the completeness of this planet.
ANYWAY, back to Jewish oppression. So, for a while everyone but the Russians forgot about the Jews (yeah right) because everyone wanted to focus on the blacks, and let's be honest, that makes sense. Here the Jews are, they are being punished for being different with our little hats, and ur beards and our annoying voices, but then the people saw the blacks. Big, BLACK, strong...BLACK! Much scarier than the Jews. So, they were oppressed, but...like..for what? 100 years? Now, look. I'm not condoning slavery, it was awful and racism is still rampant today and it is awful...but you were slaves for about 100 years, the Jews celebrate on Passover being slaves for 400! and in Egypt! EGYPT! It's all desert in Egypt! I've been near Egypt, it is hot AS SHIT! PLUS, we had to eat Matzah there, and Catholic blood isn't refreshing (but tasty). While the Africans worked in Georgia and Mississippi, at least there are trees there (And a wonderful white Castle right off Peach Street!) No, no, no. This is wrong, we shouldn't argue about who was oppressed more...because no one should be oppressed anymore in these time we live in now except the gays.
Well, after Slavery and Russian pogroms the Jews were all over Europe, Germany, Poland, and so on...And from about 1914- the present it's been nothing but SMOOOOOTH sailing for the Jews. ESPECIALLY from about 1933-1945...haha Just kidding! The holocaust happened during that time, or according to the Germans and Pollocks, there was just 12 years of really shitty, really bad smelling firework celebrations for the 4th of July.
Yup...Passover man....reminds me of the good and bad times...but the important thing to remember is that no matter how bad things get...us Jews will always have Matzah...yummy, diharrea inducing, catholic children's blood curdling Matzah.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Jimmy Carter is A Douchebag

I usually don't get political but here it goes.
Jimmy carter is a douche bag. There, I said it. I am not someone who was alive during his presidency though I have have heard that he was during his presidency...to be frank...a vagina. I heard he was just a big gaping, ugly smelly vagina. Now, I am not saying that all vaginas are ugly, smelly, and the size of Jimmy Carter's Honeydew head, but I am saying that if you were to picture the most disgusting, large, hairy, smelly vagina in the world, I would much rather spend a day with it than a minute with Jimmy Carter. Just comparing Jimmy Carter to an angry, teeth-riddled, awful vagina is an insult to that vagina because that vagina can still give life, while Jimmy Carter has no life left in him. Now, not to be considered a sexist... Jimmy Carter is also a Huge dick. Now, a huge dick could be considered a compliment, so he is a huge dick, but he also has a chode (scientific term for incredibly wide penis). The most awful chode in the world, that literally makes his penis as wide as a dinner plate, and of course it is riddled with warts and stains due to the discharge of syphilis that has been spewing out of it's hole (he calls a mouth) for at least the last few years. He plans on meeting with Hamas (A terrorist organization), and he won't meet with them in Israel because there is a belief Israel would try and kill him. I actually think Israel should kill Jimmy Carter, it would probably be the most positive publicity Israel would ever get in its 60 years! Who likes Jimmy Carter? Nobody! Why is he still here pissing people off? You don't think he pisses anyone off? Well he's pissing me off! Look, like Bill Clinton or not, he's a hilarious ex president, we can still make Clinton sex jokes, he is trying to do bipartisan efforts for poverty with George Bush (the good one, but saying George Bush is the good bush is like saying you'd rather be shot in the chest than the face (Dick Cheyney). AND YOU SEE! No matter how much we hate Cheyney and the Bush Administration, we will be able to joke about their stupidity for years to come!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that most presidents leave the white house looking for peace, while Jimmy Carter left looking for a fight... and I think we should give it to him. I think there should be a battle to the death, and I'm willing to take on ol' countryboy Jimmy Carter... or give him to Adam Sandler, he seems to be able to channel an Israeli man really well in his trailer for "Zohan". Some could say that I am just a pro-Israel ass hole, and you'd be right...BUT I'm not talking about Israel's right to exist in this blog at all...I am not saying anyone is or should be Anti-Semetic, or Pro-Israel, all I am saying is that everyone should be anti-Jimmy Carter. I don't know how good of a president he was, or how good of an ex president he was in the past...all I know is the present...and right now...Jimmy carter is a douche bag, and certainly not the nice, clean douche bag...but the gross one, the awful one that just cleaned out the teeth-ridden smelly vagina that is Jimmy Carter.