Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Come on Elliot Spitzer! Just Masturbate!

Sorry! I Tried! I tried to stay away from the Elliot Spitzer story, but I couldn't! I MUST talk about it publicly! I know all the tv talk show hosts have already talked about it, but I must comment! I have too!
ELLIOT SPITZER what a dumb ass! Look, I've never really been with a hooker, but I know that you can get one on Biscayne Boulevard for a quick suckey- suckey for 20 bucks or a dimebag of crack. ELLIOT! REALLY!? Come on! 80,000 dollars on hookers? Get a Crystal Meth Addiction! How about pull an Eddie Murphy and have them be pre-op trannies! I mean, regular, hot hookers for 80 grand? NO FUN! Look, I got nothing against prostitution, I think its a legitimate trade, I am against the idea of high-class prostitution. 4300 dollars for one time? PLEASE! For 4300 dollars I'd fuck Elliot Spitzer! The whole thing about hookers is that they are cheap, if they are not, then what's the point? I said it before in a previous blog...as much as we don't want to admit this...a vagina is a vagina...some might be a little different...tighter...looser...wetter...whatever, BUT a vagina is a fucking vagina! Whether that vagina is worth a bag of crack, 43 dollars, or 4300 dollars.
Now, look. You can tell that guy Spitzer has good taste though....I mean, SHIT! That hooker was SMOOKING. TOTALLY girl next door...I'd pay 500 for her MAYBE a thousand...but 4000? FUck that! For me there's an easy solution where I get to keep my 4000 dollars and be sexually pleased...MASTURBATE.
God dammit it elliot. Ever heard of Masturbation? Or did you think you were too high and mighty to masturbate...that it was immoral, but banging a hooker with no condom wasn't? Find that girl's myspace and wack-off to it! I mean, that would've saved you thousands.
And how about these fucks who are blaming the wife, saying she obviously didn't put out enough, or about how she should've known. OH COME ON PEOPLE! Maybe this woman didn't put out enough, but have we forgotten to communicate with each other now adays? I mean, send her a text. "hey baby, you haven't fucked me in three years" an IM or a fucking E-CARD! I mean, shit man....come on! This poor woman had to stand next to her husband as he admitted to fucking a 4300 dollar hooker.
In conclusion,
In a green day song, billy Jo Armstrong sings "when masturbation loses its fun, you're fucking lonely.
for elliot spitzer it's "when masturbation loses its fun, spend 4300 dollars on a hooker.
my philosophy is though "when masturbation loses its fun...use a scented lubricant!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Airport Blues Part 3..AKA ELLIOT SPITZER

ALRIGHT! If you haven't read part one or two I suggest you do that before reading this one. It should be just below you!

OK! Last time we left off I was on a plane that almost crashed, we were in the middle of a winter storm, and someone just had a heart attack. That's right people! I waited in the airport almost 14 hours, finally got on a plane during a storm and then someone had a heart attack. I swear I Thought I was in the Leslie Nielsen movie "airplane!" when the flight attendant asked if anyone was a medical professional on board. I was ready for Leslie Nielsen to stand up and pronounce "I am a doctor" wearing his stethoscope and white coat already. Five minutes after the flight attendant asked if there was a medic. on board, an announcement came on the plane speaker, "Hi folks. This is your captain speaking. We are going to be making an emergency landing due to a medical emergency. Now, let me paint the picture of the next fifteen minutes for you. The plane was going back down, incredibly fast to Philadelphia in this winter storm. There was lightning and thunder everywhere, the plane was shaking uncontrollably, the Indian man next to me was praying loudly, and the guy in the seat next to me, who looked like the father from "10 things I hate about you" was maniacally uncontrollably laughing, like a dark, dick Cheney- like cackle. BUT none of that over took the sound of the man having a heart attack vomiting his lungs out. I swear, I thought the man next to me was the angel of death. I thought he'd be the last person I saw before my death, he seemed to either know that we'd all be ok soon or dead...He was probably the reason I didn't burst into tears, and act all gay like Jude Law did at the of the movie "Gadica." The pilot comes on the loudspeaker, "Uh...due to the weather and our speed it is going to be an unorthadox landing. So, uh...if you have any children or babies, hold onto them tight...uh...make sure their buckled in." I remember someone screaming out..."WELL THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!" No, No. It couldn't have been good. Unless unorthadox was like an uh-oh Oreo, you know, one of those oreos that have the vanilla outside and chocolate creme inside? That's a pretty unorthadox oreo, but I don't think that was the unorthadox he was talking about. I could just picture the plane from Lost with the back opening up and all of us getting sucked out...That was the unorthadox I think he was talking about. Well, lucky enough...we landed and the EMT's took the sick guy off the plane, and I realized the guy next to me wasn't the angel of death, and then the pilot got back on the speaker, "uh...this is your pilot...We're gonna gas up and then get going again." I thought to myself, HELL NO! I stood up and called the flight attendant over. I said, ma'm I am not going back up in the air tonight, I want to get out of this plane.
I thought there was going to be a flight, but there wasn't, she let me and about 1/3 of the plane off. After 15 minutes of politicking I was speaking to a ticket agent, I demanded a refund and hopped on a train to chinatown. There I hopped on a 10:15 pm bus (with the most gangster people ever) to Washington D.C. I got to D.C. around 1 am. Hopped on the Subway to my brother's and of course...left my bag of clothes on the subway because at that point...the counter of not sleeping was closing in on 48 hours. I got to my brothers at 1:30, and called the subway, they said they couldnt help me. I booked a spirit flight, because I will never fly delta again, and passed out on my brother's floor. Woke up at 6am and got to my Sunday Morning flight. It was a perfect flight! And i got home!
There is three things I learned from this trip
1. I will never fly delta again
2. I will never fly again on Shabbos. I promised god that if I made it out alive
3. I still didn't have as bad of a weekend as Elliot Spitzer

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Evil Airport Blues Part DOS

If you have not read the first part of this blog "evil airport blues" I suggest you read that one first.

Well, we left off with me sitting in the airport....It was 12:30 ish, and I was excited because my 2 o clock flight was coming up. I've got to tell you that hour went by quick. I felt like Tim Robbins pushing himself out of the 300 yards of putrid shit at the end of "Shawshank Redemption" I was almost out! But then, the flight was delayed until 2:40, 3:10, 3:17, 3:28. 3:40. 4:00. 4:07, 4:18, 4:45, 4:58 (seriously 4:58? they couldn't just say 5:00! I mean, they do call it an estimation!) 5:15, 5:25!
Yes! My flight was delayed that many times! I wrote them down! Finally 3 and a half hours after my flight was supposed to take off we boarded the plane. Now, let's look at the, "how long David has been awake/ how long david has been at the airport at this point countdown.
David has been awake since Friday at 10am, it is now Saturday at 5:30, that's 32 and a half hours of no sleep...so I was obviously quite delusional. And I have now been in the airport for 13 hours, and at my gate for 7 and a half.
Now, don't think that during those delays shit didn't go down...OH NO! Delayed flights is when all the weirdos start to emerge and show you their weirdoness. I don't know why, but they all seem to come to me. This one woman, probably in her late 30's comes walking over to me waddling like she's got jock itch. She is eating out of a paper bag, a plain bagel...no cream cheese...NOTHING. Just a plain bagel. Now, Ok. That's not SUPER weird. Maybe she couldn't afford the creach cheese, maybe she was lactose intolerant...I dunno...but it was THE WAY she was eating this bagel. She was eating it like a slice of pizza. She would talk to me, "WHAS GOIN ON WIT DA PLANE!?" And then she would bite her teeth into the bagel, and rip a piece off with her teeth as if she was a lion feeding off a live zebra. She then would chew so loudly, I swear to god Helen Keller would have been able to hear it. AND because she was chewing so loudly she was quickly exhausting her Jaws, making her have to breathe incessantly hard out of her nose. But they were almost like pants, like when a dog runs a lot and breathes fast, she was doing that, but out of her nose, and you could see the snot and syfolis flying everywhere. Another couple I was sitting close by too during the delay was an interracial couple. Now, I got nothing wrong with interracial couples. My parents are an interracial couple, my dad's white, my mom's caucasian. (there is a difference! One is more chosen than the other!) This specific interracial couple was the classic one, the white woman and black man. And it honestly didn't strike me as a problem...I go by the old saying, "black or white, fat or skinny, asian or asian...a vagina is still a vagina. Whether it is a hippos, a turkey's or a mexicans...a vagina is still a vagina. A babboon's butt is always blue, a bald eagle is always white, and a vagina is always pink...even illegal immigrant's" I BELIEVE that was Descartes who said that, but I'm not one hundred percent. It could be socrates...I don't know some french philosopher... OH! Sorry President Bush, some FREEDOM Philosopher ;) I got your back Bush baby! Call me!
Anyway, this interracial couplpe was strange because of their action not the color of their skin (believe it or not). You see they were sitting next to each other and you know...It's a long day...everyone's tired so they are snuggling a little bit, and I remember thinking "wow...how cute." But then, I followed the white woman's hand down, and she was lightly petting her boyfriend or husband's thigh...ok...Now it's his inner thigh...ok...now she was getting a little quicker...ok...now it's his inner INNER thigh...and finally his crotch. She was rubbing the hell out of this crotch like she was trying to repolish a gold bracelet. She must have sensed I was looking (and again...this is just right in the middle of the terminal) so she looked up at me...I thought she was going to stop, but she didn't she looked up at me, and no joke...SHE WINKED! She winked at me! So, I did the only thing I could do, I found the African American Bagel Muncher and we had an interracial foursome. (you think that girl could MUNCH A BAGEL! WAIT TILL YOU GAVE HER SOMETHING ELSE TO MUNCH!) Now, I just want to do a disclaimer here for a second. I like interracial couples. Hell, sometimes if I'm lazy and want to watch porn and don't want to really focus on where the penis or vagina is I'll just watch interracial porn and just watch the colors go up and down, up and down. I believe Autistic kids, or any kids who have issues with shapes should watch interracial porn because then all they need to know is that the penis is black and the woman is white. Sometimes I like to watch interracial porn as if it were a sports game. The home team or the woman is always white, and the away team is the black man...and frankly I always root for the away team because they are the underdogs. I feel interracial porn is kind of like our reparations for the civil war... I've never seen an interracial porn where there is like some geeky, small cocked black guy. It's always some big black man with a walrus-penis banging the hell out of a little petite white girl. This is our reparations guys! We enslaved their people with whips and chains, and in pornos they are enslaving our white girls by whipping their penises at them. And yes, I used the scientific term penis there.
So, we finally board the plane...and we sit there until 6 o clock. This plane was TINY too. Maybe fit 100 people. Finally the pilot gets on the speaker. There is a winterstorm that delayed us. Most flights have been grounded, but I've convinced the control tower to let us take off (well is that good or bad in this small ass plane?)
We take off, and as we take off the plane begins to fall out of the sky at a 45 degree angle (no joke) there are 50 mile an hour winds hitting this plane as we take off. Everyone is screaming, someone screams out "HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE" and the pilot straightens the plane out. Everyone calms down, but a minute later the Flight attendants come running to a row about 8 rows in front of me...a passenger has just had a heart attack...

WANT TO HEAR MORE!? The final part of my trilogy will appear here over the weekend!
YEAAAHHHHH!!!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The Evil Airport Blues

I am writing this week's blog from the luxurious Philadelphia International airport. Is currently 11:35 am here in Philadelphia and it is a beautiful day...it has been pouring rain and gray before the sun came up. I swear, the weather is so ugly today you can hear Pat Robertson, from the grave, screaming it's the gay's fault! It's the gay's fault! Can you believe he had the nuts to blame Katrina on the gays? Just because Homosexuals obviously don't have the proper mechanical skills to build proper levees does not mean the aftermath of Katrina was fully their fault. How would I know the weather has been bad since before sunrise? Well, you see, I have been up for now....approximately...40 hours straight. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "David. Why? Was this some kind of bet? What are you doing being up for so long without sleep? Did you just watch Kevin Bacon's miserable performance in "Hollow Man?" Let's be honest, the last time I got this little sleep is when I did an entire two day Bruce Lee movie marathon...but that was TOTALLY worth it. My morning has been out of a sitcom. I arrived at the airport at 4:30 am, hoping to go standby on a 6 am flight, but when I got to the airport at 4:30 there was a line that looked like it was the line for the opening of "Remember the spartans." It was a group of i'd say, 200 people, and half of them were mentally retarded. Now, look. I'm not against the mentally retarded, I have an autistic cousin, I poke fun, but it's a sensitive issue, but at 4:30 in the morning... a retarded person, never mind 100 of them make you almost suicidal. It's like that annoying friend who you don't mind at noon, but god dammit at 4:30 in the morning you'd kill them! And I also gotta tell you, retarded people don't really know how to check their baggage either . There were two baggage people trying to help these two hundred people checked in. These people were so incompetent I had a tough time differentiating between the retards and the employees...but I guess that's normal, since one of the employees was French. And he was the EPITOME of the french ass hole stereotype. He didn't pronounce A's or H's and he had like balding, but styled hair. He looked like someone you wanted to punch in the face...especially at 4:30 am. I stood in line for an hour and a half behind a retarded woman named Alex who spend the hour and a half I was behind her tying bag tags for people and commenting on how they were green OVER AND OVER AND OVER, sometimes breaking out into song over it. FINALLY its about six and I get to the front of the line. I go, I think I missed my chance to standby on the 6, what about the 830. The mean french man says, "sorry, delta airlines doesn't do standby unless you're a platinum member." WHAT!? WHAT!? Seriously? I didn't know standby was a privilege? I thought it was just a pain in the ass. If I was a platinum member I'd demand to NOT EVER have standby. He says come back at 7:30 to maybe get on the 10:30 flight. So, I sit down, and the final group of retarded people finish up and as they do a different breed of retarded people, all 200 of them show up...HIGH SCHOOL PREP KIDS! If I had a sharp object I would've taken my life right there! They were going on a spring break trip to Acapulco! At that moment, if I had a choice of world peace or implanting little time bombs into every single one of the little 9th grader's pancreas, and held the remotes, I would've chosen the pancreas bombs. (speaking of Pancreas and death, Patrick Swayze, we wish you all the best...you and your family...get well). I WOULD HAVE BLOWN THOSE FUCKERS UP! Finally, 7:30 comes, I get in line and get a lady who looks like she was pulled out of the movie "Back to the future" with 80's hair and glasses. She says that there's nothing she can do, but I can check into my flight at 8...my original flight is at two. So, now...guys...I'm not proud of what I did next...but I was desperate...I was exhausted, I just spent four hours listening to the "green luggage tag song" and then little prep school kids talking about the box social, or whatever the devil young kids talk about these days....so I started to tear up...The lady looked at me and said what's wrong? I told her that my sister (sorry Al) was in the hospital, that the ICU closes at 8, and my flight gets in at 9. Not only that but I havent eaten in 24 hours because THE HOSPITAL NEEDS TO TEST MY BONE MARROW FOR A MATCH TO MY SISTER'S! Yes! I pulled out of my ass, an episode of house! And then the tears came! That I wasn't going to see my sick sister! That I miss her....next thing I know, the mean French guy has his hand on my shoulder! Now,the tears were real...I mean, I was exhausted and frustrated, but they all thought it was for my (actually not dying) but dying sister who needed my bone marrow transplant. So, they did a little more finnicking with the computer and told me, "there's nothing we can do!" I was stunned! I pulled the dying family member card and lost! So, I gave up, I thanked them and checked in 6 hours early for my 2:00 flight...and that's where I'm at now. I'm in hour 4 of my 6 hour check in. I am staring out the window of the airport wishing I was adam sandler in Click, so I can fast forward this point of my life...plus then I could mee Christopher Walken. Anyway, we've just hit the afternoon here in Philadelphia...I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm eerily impressed and intimidated by myself that I pulled out my sister's death just so I can get on a plane. The desperate things you'll do at 4:30 in the morning...I promise you this though, like Pat Robertson hates the gays, I hate Delta, I will never fly it again...unless of course, I get those pancreas exploding bombs we talked about before.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

TOP 10 MOST IRONIC SONGS EVER

Artists write Music, but a lot of times their music comes back and bites them in the ass. Sometimes, it bites them in the ass so much, that later, some ass hole defines them as ironic and makes a top 10 list out of them...Some songs are just too easily connected and you'll tell right away, others I might need to explain. For those who don't know what Irony is, here is an example, if Jimi Hendrix wrote a song called " I'm not going to choke on my own vomit because I'm an alcoholic and a Heroin Addict" then that would be ironic because he did choke on is own vomit! SO LET'S DO IT! THE TOP 10 MOST IRONIC SONGS EVER!

10. The Beatles - Can't buy me Love.
The Beatles start off the countdown and actually have two songs on this countdown...because...well...they are the Beatles. Why Can't buy Me Love?
Can't buy me love was written and performed by Paul Mccartney....Well, Paul...You still think you can't buy love? Why do I feel Like Heather Mills would disagree with you? Paul, Paul, Paul, this song should have warned you to get a pre-nup, but because you believed in Love not being able to be bought, you just got SOLD. You might not want that diamond ring, but Heather sure does Pauley!

9. Snoop Dogg- Drop It Like it's Hot.
Dr. Dre sold out about 10 years ago, but it took Snoop Dogg until just a few years ago to sell his soul. The ironic thing about this song is that it was snoop Dogg's biggest hit since "G Thang" which we all know is a classic. There's not much to say about this song except that... Though this song was HOT, it led to all of Snoop's Street Cred dropping like it's hot. I mean COME ON, he was performing with Pharrell from the Neptunes, and please...Pharrell sounds like a female frog that has swallowed a dozen marbles being blended while Fran Drescher's "the Nanny" is blasting on the television.

8. Notorious BIG - Ready To Die
Well, I think this one is fairly obvious...I mean, his self titled, debut album in 1994 was called Ready to Die, and the first single, was called ready to die....Well, I'm happy for him that he got his wish! With eloquent, imagery-laden lyrics like " Fuck the world, fuck my moms and my girl
My life is played out like a jheri curl, I'm ready to die" there was no doubt he was ready to die...and I just want to say to whoever killed Biggie, that from me, biggie and the rest of his family. Biggie got you guys! He was totally ready to die three years before you killed him! So there!
So, this song is obviously ironic, because Biggie talks about his death...and well...three years later...he gets killed...by the same gun he talks about in his song...a glock.
So, here's a suggestion anyone making a song. Don't write a song about your death, because, well...God has a sense of humor.

7. Amy Winehouse - Rehab
A fairly obvious one here. I mean, I talked about it before in my previous blog. Here she is, writing a song about not going to rehab, when she actually NEEDED to go to rehab. She could not go pick up her four grammy awards, or perform at the grammy's because she was IN rehab. She performed from a stage her song "rehab" proclaiming she wouldn't go, but the truth is the only reason she was able to perform is because her current rehab counselor let her perform! There is just TOO much irony in this! So, I'm just going to move on.

6. Beach Boys - Surfing U.S.A.
Dennis Wilson wrote this song about how he loved surfing...He proclaims in the song that the world would be better if everyone had an ocean...well, Dennis Wilson...guess what...you did have an ocean, and you waxed down your surfboard, and then, because of your addictions when you went surfing, you became rageful and threw your surfboard off your boat...going to collect the board in the ocean..you drowned. Yup, Dennis Wilson died Surfin The USA. Though everyone went out surfin, Dennis didn't return from the summer.

NOW THE REALLY IRONIC SONGS!

5. Just around The River Bend - Pocahontas
Pocahontas sang beautifully, "What is around the river bend, beyond the shore?" Well, Pocahontas, I don't think you want to know what's around the river bend, but I'm going to tell you anyway!. Just around the river bend is the Atlantic ocean, and just beyond that bend is the Spaniards kidnapping you, forcibly converting you to Christianity and Raping you...
It's history people look it up!

4. Beatles- When I'm 64
The second Beatles Song on the countdown. BECAUSE ON EVERY countdown the Beatles have two hits.
Now, Guess how Old Paul Mccartney was when Heather Mills decided to Divorce his ass and take 150 million dollars from him!? 64! He was 64! Guess what Paul, you won't be getting any valentines! You're going to have to have someone else leave a sweater by your fireside, because it ain't going to be some girl. The song is ironic also because only one of the four members actually made it 64 married...the infamous ringo Starr! John and George died well before their 64th birthday, and all Paul got for turning 64 was his drummer ringo's sloppy seconds. Paul, if all you need is love...then you need some help.

HONORABLE MENTION 1!
DMX - X goin' to give it to ya
DMX has been arrested many times for using and distributing many narcotics...one of his personal favorites is Ecstasy...so DMX EX really did give it to ya!

3. Jackson 5- ABC
Oh Yea Michael! You tell us how easy love can be! Cause it's worked out really well for you! Michael has been married three times, and is obviously a role model for love. For Michael, Love might not be as easy as 123, but Child Molestation sure is. I could just hear Michael telling a little Mcauley Culkin that "Now I'm going to teach you what Love's all about"...yup...this song used to be cute but is now just super creepy. I could see Michael saying to Mcauley, "don't worry. Teacher will show you how to get an A." Just shake it, shake it baby." And when I say shake it...I won't tell you what I think Michael is talking about shaking, but Shake it long enough and you'll get some of Michael's Jesus Juice. If only, for Michael's sake, Love was easy as "singing a medley"...

2. Queen - We Are The Champions
I am sad to put this song on the list...I am a true fan of Queen and Freddy Mercury, but it's the truth.
Freddy Mercury calls himself the champion of the world...he says "I consider it a challenge to the whole human race, that I'd never lose." Really Freddy Mercury? You'd never lose? What would you call dying of AIDS...I wouldn't call it winning. A champion wears a condom, that's what my mother always taught me. So, sorry Freddy, you might be one of the greatest singers of all time, but you challenged the human race...and lost...because the human race gave you AIDS. Here is another perfect example of not fucking with God. Don't challenge the world and the human race, because then you challenge God, and then God will give you AIDS.

HONORABLE MENTION 2
Britney Spears - Toxic.
I'm not even going to explain this one. I'm simply going to write down some lyrics...keep in mind, Kevin Federline and drug Addiction, and the destruction of her career. " A guy like you
Should wear a warning, It’s dangerous, I’m fallin’" She certainly did fall! And wow...maybe Kevin Federline should have worn a warning sign, "I'm going to get your pregnant, and then take your children away." Another verse, " Too high, Can’t come down, Losing my head" I'd say she did that! And one more from the song! " You're toxic I'm slipping under, With a taste of a poison paradise, I’m addicted to you, Don’t you know that you’re toxic." You can take this one as anything you want...I'm going to say that the lips she's tasting here are Paris Hilton's...and well, they are not her face lips.

AND NOW! WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE MOST IRONIC SONG EVER!

John Denver- Leaving On A jet Plane

This song is almost John's final ode to humanity. He says in this song that, " cause Im leavin on a jet plane, Dont know when Ill be back again, Oh babe, I hate to go." Well, John sang us plenty of songs, and packed his bags, and then went on a jet plane and didn't come back. John Denver was one of the most loved musicians ever, he was known for flying planes, so the idea that he wrote this song and then died in a plane crash isn't very funny...its eery, but it sure is ironic! MAKING IT THE MOST IRONIC SONG EVERRR!!!! GO JOHN DENVER! You might have crashed your airplane, and many people believe you crashed because you were drunk - flying, but on the bright side! YOU TRULY HAVE THE MOST IRONIC SONG EVER! John Denver Forever!

Those are my top 10's with my two honorable mentions. If I did my job right, I made you laugh, I offended an artist you loved, and I made you hate me a little bit.
I ask you to share this top 10 with your friends and then give me your most ironic songs...because...though my top 10 is totally correct and infallible I'd like to hear what you have to say. Do you think mine are right or am I just a douche bag!

There you have it! THE 10 MOST IRONIC SONGS EVER!