Monday, February 25, 2008

The Oscars... Keh? LEARN ENGLISH!

WOW! The 80th annual academy awards were yesterday, and they were absolutely enraging. Guys...I thought this problem was fixed when the Giants won the super bowl, but we are letting the foreigners and terrorists win! Let's look at the winners of the big awards, and where they are from: Javier Bardem (best supporting actor), South America, Tilda Swanson, somewhere in bumblefuck Europe, Daniel Day Lewis (Best Actor), Wales, and the worst one, Maria Cotilliard, (Best female actor) FRANCE!!!! NOOOOO!!! You think France would give an American the Oscar? How fitting that the Oscars are called the Oscars...you can hear all the Spaniards screaming GOOOOAAAALLLL when Javier Bardem won for best supporting actor. We need to change the oscars to the Johns, or the Justins. Fuck it. Let's just call them the America's and get it over with. I want to win an American Statue! But, Javier really was fabulous in his role, but Tilda Swanson? What the fuck? First...I'm no critic on clothes, but it looked like she rolled out of bed and threw on her garbage bag...don't believe me? Here is a picture of all the foreigners, mocking the Americans in their picture. http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20007870_20164475_20180101,00.html

Look. I'm not against foreigners. I'm all for immigrants, my father was an immigrant. I just don't want to hear Kumar on the phone when I call up my sprint customer service and that's what I got last night...but instead of Ping working for spices, we had foreigners winning golden statues! Look. We're already having our shitty jobs be outsourced to poor countries, now we're going to have our moviestars be outsourced to? I know Javier Bardem would work for rice and crackers, but that doesn't mean we should cast him. He is a sexy spanish man though. I mean, I won't even publish the things I'd let him to with a cattle prod to me.

Oh by the way. I don't like this whole love fest for Daniel Day Lewis. I couldn't even take his movie seriously at all! You tell me when you see him in "There will be blood" he doesn't remind you of Snidely Whiplash, the villain, from Dudley Do Right?
Ten bucks for whoever can tell me which picture is the angry Daniel Day Lewis and which picture is the bumbling villain Snidely Whiplash from the cartoon Dudley Do Right.
http://www.cinemaretro.com/uploads/therewillbeblood.JPG
http://mcgonnigle.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/snidwhip.png

Seriously though. He won biggest Douche last night with his whole kneeling in front of Helen Mirren...who might be 65, but she has the tits of a 40 year old with 20,000 dollar Breast implants. Then he called the script for "There will be blood" a golden sappling that sprouted from Paul Thomas Anderson's head. God almighty...if a movie about death and destruction and murder is a golden sappling, I can only imagine what he would define Schindler's List as? Maybe it would be a silver Phoenix or an Emerald Mountain...PLEASE! A golden sappling...If I wasn't still laughing how he looks like the villain of a child's cartoon from the 60's I'd be puking.

But the big winner of the night were the Jewish people. I mean, "No country for Old Men" went home with four awards. Jon Stewart hosted the show and did a fabulous job. Now, everyone knows that all the producers for every movie is Jewish, so that's a give-in. But the directors of "no country" are Joel and Ethan Coen...JEWS! So, if someone tells you that the Jews run Hollywood, don't get angry...agree with them...Jews do run Hollywood...they also use catholic children's blood to make matzah...and well...watch out kids! Passover is only a month and a half away!!!

The biggest winning movie of the night was the movie "Ten Things I hate about you" it was actually shown at the Oscars. During the death montage, when they got to Heath Ledger they showed a quick clip of "Ten Things." That'll be the closest Julia Stiles ever gets to winning an Oscar.

There's my Oscar rap-up now...but be worried, because they way were going, by next year your gardener will be winning best actor...or even worse...EVA LONGORIA!

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