Sunday, February 3, 2008

The giants won, so god won.

Wow! The Giants have won the Super Bowl! The giants have won the super bowl! We have just witnessed one of the biggest upsets in sports history! Bigger than when the americans beat the russians in the "Miracle" Game, bigger than when the red sox beat the yankees, and bigger than when Hey Arnold and the gang beat the 5th graders in a sloppy mud game of football (if you don't know what I'm talking about, go buy "Hey Arnold from Nickelodeon). Seriously though what a game. Unbelievable, but I knew the Giants were going to win. I mean it was simple...God wanted the Giants to win because the patriots are sinners. Don't believe me? Think I'm crazy? Let's go one at a time... the reasons god wanted the giants to win.
1. God wanted America to win, and for America to win, the giants had to win.I mean, we all know America is the greatest country in the world, and the giants were America's team. Now, you might argue, but the Patriots are "The Patriots" what is more patriotic than an actual patriot, i mean, patriot and patriotic are PRACTICALLY the same word! Well, the patriots made a mistake with their uniform. They wore red, blue and SILVER. The giants wore Red, White and Blue. The flag for America is red white and blue, (Giants colors) and the flag for the Netherlands is red, silver and blue. What is the netherlands known for? Legalization of drugs, prostitutions, abortion, gay rights and euthanasia! How could god let those godless men win? It was the buttsex netherlandsians vs. the missionary giants! It was simple! MUST WIN FOR GOD AND THE GIANTS! ...just like Iraq.
2. God does not like Bastard, out of wedlock children.
Sorry Tom Brady, but you lost this game for your patriots when your condom broke inside your incredibly hot ex-girlfriend's, Supermodel Bridget Moynahan's, Vagina. That was the end. God could not have let the father of a bastard child win the super bowl. It was immoral, it was wrong. Now, some might ask...well Tom has won three Super Bowls before this? But, he did not have the child back then, so god can't punish for the future, he is too merciful. Tom Brady blew the super Bowl for the Pats by blowing it inside his girl and not using protection. It's like what god says in the book of exodous, "Safe sex or no sex." ITS IN THE BIBLE TOM! You write this down... February 3rd....I guarantee you, Tom Brady never wins another super bowl as long as his illegitimate child is living...I wonder what Tom wants more, the child or another ring? Now, Tom is dating another supermodel, Gisele Bundchen, she was at the game....but Tom should dump her and marry Bridget if he ever wants to win another super bowl. Sorry Tom, you might be a god in Boston, but in the universe it's tom brady zero god ONE! HEAR O' Israel the lord is NUMBER ONE!!! But, Tom You can be a solid fifth in the omnipotence level, behind God, Brett Favre, Jon Stewart and Tony the tiger.
3. Tom Brady, a peruzer a player, and father of an illegitimate child lost to Eli Manning. Have you seen Eli Manning, he IS AMERICA. That kid is as hick Tom Petty. Oh my god! Tom Petty! He looked like someone picked him up out of a coffin, forgot to dust him off, threw a beard on him to make him look alive and threw him on stage. I'm not saying Tom Petty looked dead and decrepit, all I know is Heath Ledger probably looks better. I'm not saying Tom Petty looked old, but even Larry King thought Tom Petty looked terrible! I never realized how Ironic Tom Petty's song "Free Fallin'" was...since it seemed like tonight he was singing about his free-falling career. Seriously, they sounded worse than Paula Abdul sarinading an orgasming Kathy Griffin (there's a nice picture).
Back to the super bowl though...Eli Manning, I mean look at him, he's a pure little Mississippi boy! He's probably still a virgin (until tonight, I heard Bridget Moynahan just called him up) and America is all about purity and love.
What do we learn from this super bowl? That sin and lust, and sex NEVER wins, unless your running for president, BUT not in football. God will always be on America's side, and this year America was the Giants. Hey Tom, sorry man, rough year...just go home to your out-of-wedlock-child, throw the ball around with him, maybe he'll win you a superbowl...Then you'll know how Archie Manning, father of Peyton and Eli feels.
All giants fans you must thank not only god for the giants win, but me too. You see, I was a packers fan...Now, you might ask...what David? The packers lost to the giants! But you see, that's part of god's brilliance!
Watch this math
Giants beat the packers, Giants beat the Patriots THEREFORE Packers won the super bowl!
Here's another one!
Eli Manning was Super Bowl MVP, who beat tom brady, the Super Bowl MVP of 2001, Tom brady is quarterback for the pats who the packers beat in 1997, and the super bowl MVP was... BRETT FAVRE!
And yes...Favre goes to church every sunday...
Stay on god's side and you'll always I heard tom Brady's gay.


erin maeve said...

"Bigger than when the americans beat the russians in the "Miracle" Game"

eh i dont know about that one. that was pretty BIG DEAL. ha

David Schwartzbaum said...

hey! this was good vs. evil, god vs. satan...that was a pretty big game! Now, I'm not one to call the russians Satan, but if you are...then, I guess the miracle game was more of an upset.

erin maeve said...

in terms of say russians are satan ;)