Monday, February 11, 2008

DRUGS, but thank god for Dubya.

I am not a big gossip guy. I'll be honest. I like the gossip columns as much as Lindsay Lohan likes Sobriety, or Paris Hilton likes wearing panties, or Jamie Lynn Spears likes having Sex with a condom (I could go all day with these jokes people)... Basically what I'm saying is...I don't like gossip. But, I live in America, and If I watch CNN in the morning to get my usual glimpse of Obama's Pearly Whites (I know he's black but he for sure whitens those teeth too). I wind up learning about how Obama is continuing to Barack it gently, how the shitty economy has more ups and downs than an outhouse on a roller coaster, how tornadoes ripped through the Midwest like Spongebob rips his pants, and of Britney is doing in rehab. But, people! We really have an epidemic on our hands! I mean, look at our young people these days (excluding me) we are a fucking mess! I watched the Granny's last night...and yes I called it the Granny's...I know....I know it's not that clever, but come on! Herbie Hancock!? The only reason he won was because the grammys felt bad for him because his name is hancock. I feel like anyone with a name like Herbie Hancock or Fillatio Thenfinishinmynose is automatically going to win a grammy. Starting today I will no longer be David Benjamin Schwartzbaum. I will now be David Punchmeinthemouthturnmeoverandforcablyinsertyourselfintome Schwartzbaum...I AM GUARANTEED A GRAMMY! AND MAYBE EVEN A TONY! PLUS, Herbie Handoncock...oh sorry Hancock, has already won like 11 grammys! Yea not album of the year...but he won Jazz album of the year! Now, look. I know that we have an African American running for president, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to his music too! I mean, if Mccain wins are we going to go back to the music of Mccain's time. When cavemen banged on rocks, grunted, groaned, and splashed water for vibrations!? NO! Now, I know...kind of lame... A Mccain is old joke...who am I Jay Leno? Who by the way, without the writers has put on worse episodes of the Tonight Show than Larry The Cable Guy has put on Movies. (Seriously, He was in a movie called Delta Farce. It was about how he is meant to go to iraq, but winds up in Mexico? Who approves this shit? Probably the same people who gave Hancock the Grammy over the Foo Fighters) But seriously, Mcain does look old. I mean, he's only 71, but he's got more neck fat than Dustin Hoffman has hair plugs. He looks like that Dinosaur in Jurrasic Park who right before killing Newman from Seinfeld Flaps open his lips and spits out acid.
5 Dollars if you can tell me which one of these is Mccain, and which one Killed Newman from Seinfeld.

But let's talk about this drug epidemic in this country. I mean, Lyndsay looks worse than a 20 year old mop dipped in acid, and I'm just talking about her hair. Britney has more issues than Life Magazine, and Amy Winehouse couldn't be at the Grammys because she was in Rehab! How ironic that she won for the song "They tried to make me go to Rehab!" I mean, if you looked up in the dictionary for the word ironic the example would either be Dick Cheyney getting shot in the face by an old man, or Amy Winehouse winning 5 grammys for her no rehab song when she was in rehab. Here is how the new version of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" song should go, "they tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, alright for my career I'll go go go. It still rhymes!
In even more gossip/drugs news, Kristen Dunst has entered into rehab! But, that makes sense if you've seen Spiderman 3...I don't think I've seen a great superhero be butchered worse than that since Halle Berry Played Catwoman. Now, I know. I could have thought of a better simile there, but Halle Berry playing catwoman personally offended me. And I have NOTHING against Halle Berry. She is a very talented actress, and I...just like every guy enjoyed watching her in Monster's ball, especially when Billy Bob was tearing it up! YEA BILLY BOB! But, I like my superheroes in their original form. I like my Yellow Power ranger Asian, my green lantern black, and my Catwoman White! It's nothing against the other races! I just like my superheroes how they were originally created. Thomas Jefferson was white, MLK was black, George Lopez is Mexican, and George Bush is Retarded. It is how we are all created.

I'm a solution oriented man though, always have been...So how do we fix this mess? How do we fix this drug epidemic? Some would say that it's our fault as a society. We love building people up and we love watching people crumble too, but those people are hypocrites, Nazis and pedophiles. There must be another solution...I got to tell you I don't know it...I never got into drugs because I never really had the money...and I'm sure that's why many other people don't get into it. I mean, I can't see a kid in Kenya becoming a Crystal Meth Addict...just because...I mean...they need the money for other things. But lyndsay and Britney...I mean, they got all the money in the world! Oh my god! I get it now! George Bush is a genius!! It's so simple! He's been planning this all along!!!
Bare with me:
1. Ever since we attacked Afghanistan it has become the number one grower of Opium and Heroin in the world. So, the Terrorists are going to kill themselves off the Earth without costing us much money or troops!
2. Ever since Bush was in office our economy has been terrible...and it has been getting worse lately. Our drug problem has gotten worse too, then our economy got even worse...You see, if we don't have the money to buy drugs we'll stop buying them! Bush is purposely having the economy fall faster than Cuba Gooding Jr's career because then we won't have the money to buy drugs!

OH! I have to say one more thing. FUCK RINGO STARR! Yea... I said it. Look I like the Beatles just as much as the next guy, but I swear to god! Last night at the Grammys everyone was figuratively sucking ringo starr's figurative cock. It was appalling. Honoring Ringo Starr by himself is like honoring the practice squad fullback during the super bowl. Ringo Starr was an average drummer who got lucky to get paired up with the rest. If we want to praise and honor the Beatles Let's praise and honor Paul mccartney...I mean, poor guy... He needs some praise...He married a one-legged woman and now she is going to take him for almost 200 million about irony...

1 comment:

Meredith said...

I am so happy that you put this on Facebook because otherwise I would not have been able to read your work. OK, so I loved it and thought it was hilarious because you touched upon pop culture references from our time. I was a little confused because when I look at the websites of the jurassic park dinosaur and McCain, I couldn't tell the difference! Wow...McCain's cranium is just so large...I think he's hiding a bomb in there. Anywho, I'm not so sure about the drugs and it's connection to our nonexistent budget...maybe that's because I'm on them right now I don't know.

I absolutely adored when you went on about the races of superheroes and ended on George Bush being a retard. Not only do I agree, but great delivery! Heh.

Wow, I haven't seen you in so long. I hope college is making you stronger in your craft, etc.

I like your work also because it's not too smart...Anyone who watches TV at all should be able to get it which is a lot of America.

Obama's pearly whites...haha. True, I need mine bleached as well.