Monday, February 25, 2008

The Oscars... Keh? LEARN ENGLISH!

WOW! The 80th annual academy awards were yesterday, and they were absolutely enraging. Guys...I thought this problem was fixed when the Giants won the super bowl, but we are letting the foreigners and terrorists win! Let's look at the winners of the big awards, and where they are from: Javier Bardem (best supporting actor), South America, Tilda Swanson, somewhere in bumblefuck Europe, Daniel Day Lewis (Best Actor), Wales, and the worst one, Maria Cotilliard, (Best female actor) FRANCE!!!! NOOOOO!!! You think France would give an American the Oscar? How fitting that the Oscars are called the can hear all the Spaniards screaming GOOOOAAAALLLL when Javier Bardem won for best supporting actor. We need to change the oscars to the Johns, or the Justins. Fuck it. Let's just call them the America's and get it over with. I want to win an American Statue! But, Javier really was fabulous in his role, but Tilda Swanson? What the fuck? First...I'm no critic on clothes, but it looked like she rolled out of bed and threw on her garbage bag...don't believe me? Here is a picture of all the foreigners, mocking the Americans in their picture.,,20007870_20164475_20180101,00.html

Look. I'm not against foreigners. I'm all for immigrants, my father was an immigrant. I just don't want to hear Kumar on the phone when I call up my sprint customer service and that's what I got last night...but instead of Ping working for spices, we had foreigners winning golden statues! Look. We're already having our shitty jobs be outsourced to poor countries, now we're going to have our moviestars be outsourced to? I know Javier Bardem would work for rice and crackers, but that doesn't mean we should cast him. He is a sexy spanish man though. I mean, I won't even publish the things I'd let him to with a cattle prod to me.

Oh by the way. I don't like this whole love fest for Daniel Day Lewis. I couldn't even take his movie seriously at all! You tell me when you see him in "There will be blood" he doesn't remind you of Snidely Whiplash, the villain, from Dudley Do Right?
Ten bucks for whoever can tell me which picture is the angry Daniel Day Lewis and which picture is the bumbling villain Snidely Whiplash from the cartoon Dudley Do Right.

Seriously though. He won biggest Douche last night with his whole kneeling in front of Helen Mirren...who might be 65, but she has the tits of a 40 year old with 20,000 dollar Breast implants. Then he called the script for "There will be blood" a golden sappling that sprouted from Paul Thomas Anderson's head. God almighty...if a movie about death and destruction and murder is a golden sappling, I can only imagine what he would define Schindler's List as? Maybe it would be a silver Phoenix or an Emerald Mountain...PLEASE! A golden sappling...If I wasn't still laughing how he looks like the villain of a child's cartoon from the 60's I'd be puking.

But the big winner of the night were the Jewish people. I mean, "No country for Old Men" went home with four awards. Jon Stewart hosted the show and did a fabulous job. Now, everyone knows that all the producers for every movie is Jewish, so that's a give-in. But the directors of "no country" are Joel and Ethan Coen...JEWS! So, if someone tells you that the Jews run Hollywood, don't get angry...agree with them...Jews do run Hollywood...they also use catholic children's blood to make matzah...and out kids! Passover is only a month and a half away!!!

The biggest winning movie of the night was the movie "Ten Things I hate about you" it was actually shown at the Oscars. During the death montage, when they got to Heath Ledger they showed a quick clip of "Ten Things." That'll be the closest Julia Stiles ever gets to winning an Oscar.

There's my Oscar rap-up now...but be worried, because they way were going, by next year your gardener will be winning best actor...or even worse...EVA LONGORIA!

Monday, February 11, 2008

DRUGS, but thank god for Dubya.

I am not a big gossip guy. I'll be honest. I like the gossip columns as much as Lindsay Lohan likes Sobriety, or Paris Hilton likes wearing panties, or Jamie Lynn Spears likes having Sex with a condom (I could go all day with these jokes people)... Basically what I'm saying is...I don't like gossip. But, I live in America, and If I watch CNN in the morning to get my usual glimpse of Obama's Pearly Whites (I know he's black but he for sure whitens those teeth too). I wind up learning about how Obama is continuing to Barack it gently, how the shitty economy has more ups and downs than an outhouse on a roller coaster, how tornadoes ripped through the Midwest like Spongebob rips his pants, and of Britney is doing in rehab. But, people! We really have an epidemic on our hands! I mean, look at our young people these days (excluding me) we are a fucking mess! I watched the Granny's last night...and yes I called it the Granny's...I know....I know it's not that clever, but come on! Herbie Hancock!? The only reason he won was because the grammys felt bad for him because his name is hancock. I feel like anyone with a name like Herbie Hancock or Fillatio Thenfinishinmynose is automatically going to win a grammy. Starting today I will no longer be David Benjamin Schwartzbaum. I will now be David Punchmeinthemouthturnmeoverandforcablyinsertyourselfintome Schwartzbaum...I AM GUARANTEED A GRAMMY! AND MAYBE EVEN A TONY! PLUS, Herbie Handoncock...oh sorry Hancock, has already won like 11 grammys! Yea not album of the year...but he won Jazz album of the year! Now, look. I know that we have an African American running for president, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to his music too! I mean, if Mccain wins are we going to go back to the music of Mccain's time. When cavemen banged on rocks, grunted, groaned, and splashed water for vibrations!? NO! Now, I know...kind of lame... A Mccain is old joke...who am I Jay Leno? Who by the way, without the writers has put on worse episodes of the Tonight Show than Larry The Cable Guy has put on Movies. (Seriously, He was in a movie called Delta Farce. It was about how he is meant to go to iraq, but winds up in Mexico? Who approves this shit? Probably the same people who gave Hancock the Grammy over the Foo Fighters) But seriously, Mcain does look old. I mean, he's only 71, but he's got more neck fat than Dustin Hoffman has hair plugs. He looks like that Dinosaur in Jurrasic Park who right before killing Newman from Seinfeld Flaps open his lips and spits out acid.
5 Dollars if you can tell me which one of these is Mccain, and which one Killed Newman from Seinfeld.

But let's talk about this drug epidemic in this country. I mean, Lyndsay looks worse than a 20 year old mop dipped in acid, and I'm just talking about her hair. Britney has more issues than Life Magazine, and Amy Winehouse couldn't be at the Grammys because she was in Rehab! How ironic that she won for the song "They tried to make me go to Rehab!" I mean, if you looked up in the dictionary for the word ironic the example would either be Dick Cheyney getting shot in the face by an old man, or Amy Winehouse winning 5 grammys for her no rehab song when she was in rehab. Here is how the new version of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" song should go, "they tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, alright for my career I'll go go go. It still rhymes!
In even more gossip/drugs news, Kristen Dunst has entered into rehab! But, that makes sense if you've seen Spiderman 3...I don't think I've seen a great superhero be butchered worse than that since Halle Berry Played Catwoman. Now, I know. I could have thought of a better simile there, but Halle Berry playing catwoman personally offended me. And I have NOTHING against Halle Berry. She is a very talented actress, and I...just like every guy enjoyed watching her in Monster's ball, especially when Billy Bob was tearing it up! YEA BILLY BOB! But, I like my superheroes in their original form. I like my Yellow Power ranger Asian, my green lantern black, and my Catwoman White! It's nothing against the other races! I just like my superheroes how they were originally created. Thomas Jefferson was white, MLK was black, George Lopez is Mexican, and George Bush is Retarded. It is how we are all created.

I'm a solution oriented man though, always have been...So how do we fix this mess? How do we fix this drug epidemic? Some would say that it's our fault as a society. We love building people up and we love watching people crumble too, but those people are hypocrites, Nazis and pedophiles. There must be another solution...I got to tell you I don't know it...I never got into drugs because I never really had the money...and I'm sure that's why many other people don't get into it. I mean, I can't see a kid in Kenya becoming a Crystal Meth Addict...just because...I mean...they need the money for other things. But lyndsay and Britney...I mean, they got all the money in the world! Oh my god! I get it now! George Bush is a genius!! It's so simple! He's been planning this all along!!!
Bare with me:
1. Ever since we attacked Afghanistan it has become the number one grower of Opium and Heroin in the world. So, the Terrorists are going to kill themselves off the Earth without costing us much money or troops!
2. Ever since Bush was in office our economy has been terrible...and it has been getting worse lately. Our drug problem has gotten worse too, then our economy got even worse...You see, if we don't have the money to buy drugs we'll stop buying them! Bush is purposely having the economy fall faster than Cuba Gooding Jr's career because then we won't have the money to buy drugs!

OH! I have to say one more thing. FUCK RINGO STARR! Yea... I said it. Look I like the Beatles just as much as the next guy, but I swear to god! Last night at the Grammys everyone was figuratively sucking ringo starr's figurative cock. It was appalling. Honoring Ringo Starr by himself is like honoring the practice squad fullback during the super bowl. Ringo Starr was an average drummer who got lucky to get paired up with the rest. If we want to praise and honor the Beatles Let's praise and honor Paul mccartney...I mean, poor guy... He needs some praise...He married a one-legged woman and now she is going to take him for almost 200 million about irony...

Sunday, February 3, 2008

The giants won, so god won.

Wow! The Giants have won the Super Bowl! The giants have won the super bowl! We have just witnessed one of the biggest upsets in sports history! Bigger than when the americans beat the russians in the "Miracle" Game, bigger than when the red sox beat the yankees, and bigger than when Hey Arnold and the gang beat the 5th graders in a sloppy mud game of football (if you don't know what I'm talking about, go buy "Hey Arnold from Nickelodeon). Seriously though what a game. Unbelievable, but I knew the Giants were going to win. I mean it was simple...God wanted the Giants to win because the patriots are sinners. Don't believe me? Think I'm crazy? Let's go one at a time... the reasons god wanted the giants to win.
1. God wanted America to win, and for America to win, the giants had to win.I mean, we all know America is the greatest country in the world, and the giants were America's team. Now, you might argue, but the Patriots are "The Patriots" what is more patriotic than an actual patriot, i mean, patriot and patriotic are PRACTICALLY the same word! Well, the patriots made a mistake with their uniform. They wore red, blue and SILVER. The giants wore Red, White and Blue. The flag for America is red white and blue, (Giants colors) and the flag for the Netherlands is red, silver and blue. What is the netherlands known for? Legalization of drugs, prostitutions, abortion, gay rights and euthanasia! How could god let those godless men win? It was the buttsex netherlandsians vs. the missionary giants! It was simple! MUST WIN FOR GOD AND THE GIANTS! ...just like Iraq.
2. God does not like Bastard, out of wedlock children.
Sorry Tom Brady, but you lost this game for your patriots when your condom broke inside your incredibly hot ex-girlfriend's, Supermodel Bridget Moynahan's, Vagina. That was the end. God could not have let the father of a bastard child win the super bowl. It was immoral, it was wrong. Now, some might ask...well Tom has won three Super Bowls before this? But, he did not have the child back then, so god can't punish for the future, he is too merciful. Tom Brady blew the super Bowl for the Pats by blowing it inside his girl and not using protection. It's like what god says in the book of exodous, "Safe sex or no sex." ITS IN THE BIBLE TOM! You write this down... February 3rd....I guarantee you, Tom Brady never wins another super bowl as long as his illegitimate child is living...I wonder what Tom wants more, the child or another ring? Now, Tom is dating another supermodel, Gisele Bundchen, she was at the game....but Tom should dump her and marry Bridget if he ever wants to win another super bowl. Sorry Tom, you might be a god in Boston, but in the universe it's tom brady zero god ONE! HEAR O' Israel the lord is NUMBER ONE!!! But, Tom You can be a solid fifth in the omnipotence level, behind God, Brett Favre, Jon Stewart and Tony the tiger.
3. Tom Brady, a peruzer a player, and father of an illegitimate child lost to Eli Manning. Have you seen Eli Manning, he IS AMERICA. That kid is as hick Tom Petty. Oh my god! Tom Petty! He looked like someone picked him up out of a coffin, forgot to dust him off, threw a beard on him to make him look alive and threw him on stage. I'm not saying Tom Petty looked dead and decrepit, all I know is Heath Ledger probably looks better. I'm not saying Tom Petty looked old, but even Larry King thought Tom Petty looked terrible! I never realized how Ironic Tom Petty's song "Free Fallin'" was...since it seemed like tonight he was singing about his free-falling career. Seriously, they sounded worse than Paula Abdul sarinading an orgasming Kathy Griffin (there's a nice picture).
Back to the super bowl though...Eli Manning, I mean look at him, he's a pure little Mississippi boy! He's probably still a virgin (until tonight, I heard Bridget Moynahan just called him up) and America is all about purity and love.
What do we learn from this super bowl? That sin and lust, and sex NEVER wins, unless your running for president, BUT not in football. God will always be on America's side, and this year America was the Giants. Hey Tom, sorry man, rough year...just go home to your out-of-wedlock-child, throw the ball around with him, maybe he'll win you a superbowl...Then you'll know how Archie Manning, father of Peyton and Eli feels.
All giants fans you must thank not only god for the giants win, but me too. You see, I was a packers fan...Now, you might ask...what David? The packers lost to the giants! But you see, that's part of god's brilliance!
Watch this math
Giants beat the packers, Giants beat the Patriots THEREFORE Packers won the super bowl!
Here's another one!
Eli Manning was Super Bowl MVP, who beat tom brady, the Super Bowl MVP of 2001, Tom brady is quarterback for the pats who the packers beat in 1997, and the super bowl MVP was... BRETT FAVRE!
And yes...Favre goes to church every sunday...
Stay on god's side and you'll always I heard tom Brady's gay.