Saturday, January 26, 2008


It's official people...If you're republican or a racist you might be upset about this...but I have just voted for Barack Huessein Obama. Why? Because he is big and black, but not big enough to beat me at sports, and that's the kind of president I want. I want everyone to think back to all the great horror/thriller/action movies with black men in them...Independence day, I am Legend, I, Robot, Men In Black I and II, Wild Wild West, Bad Boys I and II, Enemy of the State, and Hitch. Shit!... Those are all Will Smith Movies! Ok ok. I admit, Obama does remind me of Will Smith a little bit, and not only because he's black but also because of his ears. You don't believe me, look at them yourself.
Will Smith:
Barack Obama:

I truly believe you can learn a lot about someone's ears. Like whether their ears are pierced or not, whether someone is gay or straight, has money or doesn't and more importantly, if they are black, asian or white. We learn from Obama and Will Smith's ears that they are listeners, thinkers, and lovers. Look. It's simple, A Vote for Obama is a vote for Will Smith, and did you just see Will Smith in "I am Legend"? He was the last man on earth AND saved the planet! That movie was not just a fictional movie based on a fictional 1970's movie, but a true documentary on what would happen if there was a war and Obama was president! He would live, with a Pitbull by his side shooting Zombies saving us.

No, but seriously, Obama is better than Will Smith. Because Obama couldn't beat me in a game of football. He is black, but seems to have very little sports skill. I feel like if I were to play a game of basketball with him, and threw him the ball he'd just smack the ball down out of fear...and I LOOOVEEE THAT! He is the best of both worlds! I've always been a believer that Black men were like the army...better on the ground (running, basketball, football) and white people were like the navy, better in the sea (swimming, surfing, doggie paddling.) Let's be honest, how many great black olympic divers or swimmers are there? Michael Phelps...white, BUT how many great white running backs are there...ZERO. Barry! Now, yes the other cultures have some great traits to. Asians are like the air force, they are best air things (trapese, getting people into space (yes I'm including Russia in the Asian group, deal with it Russia, you were China)). And the hispanics are the Marines, they can do land and sea, but they just kind of get the leftovers that the Army and Navy can't pick up. So, Obama transcends all nations! Though his skin is Black, he's very lanky, and could probably kick any Arab's ass, BUT at the same time...he's like me...not good at sports.

Some people say that they won't vote for Obama cause his middle name is Huessein, like Sadam Huessein. Now, I think that's ridiculous! I mean, my middle name is "Child Molester" but I sure am no child molester! My parents just had a sense of humor! David Child Molester Schwartzbaum. I think it's kind of catchy. But, seriously Heussein is just another name. Like Hitler, Mussolini, and Bush. I don't think it is that bad. PLUS, Sadam, might have been a murderer but from what I've heard he had a really good sense of humor and as a comedian I appreciate that. It's simple, Heussein rhymes with Love stain, and that's what I get when I think of Barack Obama.

Guys, I'm not telling you who to vote for. Vote for who you want. But, it's really quite simple....However you like your coffee is how you should vote for president.
I like my coffee strong and black.... so I voted for Obama.
If you like your coffee slightly Clinton.
Like your coffee expensive and Edwards.
Like your coffee Ron Paul
Like Your Coffee Douchebag Mitt Romney
Like your coffee old and impotent....Vote Mccain
And finally, Like your coffe 911 degrees hot?... Vote Guilliani.
It's all up to you guys!
And if you don't like coffee you can use the same system with TEA!!!
But for me, when I scream out in pleasure I scream out only one thing OH BAMA! Then, I hum the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme song.


Felicia said...

So i have no idea who you are
my friend erin fitzgerald who also goes to UARTS put up a post telling her readers to check out your blog
so i did
and i have to say that you crack me up
and this post pretty much made my day
so thanks!
~Felicia Puff

Anonymous said...

I DO like my coffee slightly vaginal it might have something to do with me being a lesbian but that's besides the point. Coffee also keeps me up at night and when i do fall asleep i get horrible vivid nightmares. If i wasn't a canadian i'd vote bama too because (and it's simple )i hate racists. and my two best friends are brown. ha
I stumbled upon your blog simply by accident and i have to say you're hilarious and inteligent to boot. Take pride in yourself. :)

David Schwartzbaum said...

thank you ma'm, I really appreciate that.