Saturday, January 26, 2008


It's official people...If you're republican or a racist you might be upset about this...but I have just voted for Barack Huessein Obama. Why? Because he is big and black, but not big enough to beat me at sports, and that's the kind of president I want. I want everyone to think back to all the great horror/thriller/action movies with black men in them...Independence day, I am Legend, I, Robot, Men In Black I and II, Wild Wild West, Bad Boys I and II, Enemy of the State, and Hitch. Shit!... Those are all Will Smith Movies! Ok ok. I admit, Obama does remind me of Will Smith a little bit, and not only because he's black but also because of his ears. You don't believe me, look at them yourself.
Will Smith:
Barack Obama:

I truly believe you can learn a lot about someone's ears. Like whether their ears are pierced or not, whether someone is gay or straight, has money or doesn't and more importantly, if they are black, asian or white. We learn from Obama and Will Smith's ears that they are listeners, thinkers, and lovers. Look. It's simple, A Vote for Obama is a vote for Will Smith, and did you just see Will Smith in "I am Legend"? He was the last man on earth AND saved the planet! That movie was not just a fictional movie based on a fictional 1970's movie, but a true documentary on what would happen if there was a war and Obama was president! He would live, with a Pitbull by his side shooting Zombies saving us.

No, but seriously, Obama is better than Will Smith. Because Obama couldn't beat me in a game of football. He is black, but seems to have very little sports skill. I feel like if I were to play a game of basketball with him, and threw him the ball he'd just smack the ball down out of fear...and I LOOOVEEE THAT! He is the best of both worlds! I've always been a believer that Black men were like the army...better on the ground (running, basketball, football) and white people were like the navy, better in the sea (swimming, surfing, doggie paddling.) Let's be honest, how many great black olympic divers or swimmers are there? Michael Phelps...white, BUT how many great white running backs are there...ZERO. Barry! Now, yes the other cultures have some great traits to. Asians are like the air force, they are best air things (trapese, getting people into space (yes I'm including Russia in the Asian group, deal with it Russia, you were China)). And the hispanics are the Marines, they can do land and sea, but they just kind of get the leftovers that the Army and Navy can't pick up. So, Obama transcends all nations! Though his skin is Black, he's very lanky, and could probably kick any Arab's ass, BUT at the same time...he's like me...not good at sports.

Some people say that they won't vote for Obama cause his middle name is Huessein, like Sadam Huessein. Now, I think that's ridiculous! I mean, my middle name is "Child Molester" but I sure am no child molester! My parents just had a sense of humor! David Child Molester Schwartzbaum. I think it's kind of catchy. But, seriously Heussein is just another name. Like Hitler, Mussolini, and Bush. I don't think it is that bad. PLUS, Sadam, might have been a murderer but from what I've heard he had a really good sense of humor and as a comedian I appreciate that. It's simple, Heussein rhymes with Love stain, and that's what I get when I think of Barack Obama.

Guys, I'm not telling you who to vote for. Vote for who you want. But, it's really quite simple....However you like your coffee is how you should vote for president.
I like my coffee strong and black.... so I voted for Obama.
If you like your coffee slightly Clinton.
Like your coffee expensive and Edwards.
Like your coffee Ron Paul
Like Your Coffee Douchebag Mitt Romney
Like your coffee old and impotent....Vote Mccain
And finally, Like your coffe 911 degrees hot?... Vote Guilliani.
It's all up to you guys!
And if you don't like coffee you can use the same system with TEA!!!
But for me, when I scream out in pleasure I scream out only one thing OH BAMA! Then, I hum the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme song.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Cell Phones + Elian Gonzalez = death and disease

I got a new phone this week. It was really not that exciting (good way to start off a piece of writing, tell the people the story you're about to tell them isn't that exciting). I went into the Sprint store, told the cute Spanish lady with bad teeth that I had trouble getting "the plug into the hole, so It won't charge up, and I tried jamming it in there, but it just didn't seem to fit right, so I tried a different hole" by then I realized it sounded phallic, the girl and I both laughed and I told her my charger was broken. She then requested viagra (this is true) and I told her I don't need Viagra and wondered if she had another suggestion. I then realized that I am completely by accidentally hitting on the cute spanish girl with bad teeth and immediately stopped...I don't want another Elian Gonzalez situation on my hands. But let me just say, if I was Elian I would have kicked that guy who was holding that gun at my face in the nuts. I like Illegal immigrants...Well, I like the ones who are working, like my spanish, bad toothed girl who was working at the sprint store, but I don't like the pussys. If you're going to come here from a different country you better be tough as nails, tough as tyson before he got that face tattoo, and tough as the ruff-n-tuff dog toy. ( They are fuckin' Indestructible! Elian went back to Cuba because he was a pussy. Plain and simple, that dude with the gun...that was all a test to see if Elian could man up to America. Schwarzenegger was able to do it! He came from Austria or Hungary, or Austria-Hungary, and not only manned up but became THE MAN. He was the strongest motherfucker in the world (that's the official title for it) and is now no girly man and is the governor of California. But, I'm digressing, I'm apologizing. I'm here to talk about cellphones.
Let's be honest...Cellphones are this generations crack cocaine. And This generations cellphones are methamphetamines. Yes, Methamphetamines are the new number 1 drug in America, because what's better than the prospect of smelling like pee and peeling your face off? What happened to the good ol' days when people could just get together, eat a couple shrooms and laugh at the bubbles in a Jacuzzi, or smoke some pot and sit around talking about how China's growing economy is one-upping Americas. Nowadays, with today's young people (cause I'm not one of them) drugs are all about getting ripped and humping your vacuum. Because your vacuum has incredible sucking power...sometimes too much. ANYWAY, I'm digressing! I'm supposed to be talking about cellphones!
We are addicted to cell phones! I sat in the sprint store for three hours transferring all 267 numbers of mine to my cell phone, and I found myself needing to transfer EVERY number!! Like, I had my high school's number still in there, and I hate that place! I'll never call it! But, I had to keep the number. I had people I hated in my cell phone but I...couldn't....not....transfer it....just in case one day I was stuck somewhere and for some reason, the only person who could help me was The dean, Dr. Holden at the Hillel Community Day School (have his personal cell number if anyone wants to play shenanigans with it), and of course in case I ever needed the number of my neighbor's ex boyfriend. The newest statistics say that the satellite waves we use for cell phones are interfering with bees communication, and so they are not producing enough honey and dying. Well, I don't know about you, but I use my cell phone more than I eat honey, so....fuck the bees! I want my cellphone! I check my E-mail with my cell phone, I play games with it, text message people. The only thing bees have ever done for me is sting, make honey and have sex with flowers, and frankly, if we run out of bees and we need someone else to pollenate the flowers in the world, I'd be down for having to make that sacrifice. I'd just have to borrow my friend's Iphone. I mean, that Iphone touchscreen is HD! It's better to watch porn on that than a real TV, plus you can just fast forward to the good stuff! I'll leave what the "good stuff" is to your imagination because everyone likes different stuff, but that's a different discussion for a different day. My point is, as a people we've become so dependant on cell phones for everything, whether it be scheduling, calling, business, or masturbation.
I wonder....what if Elian had a cellphone? Hold on folks, bare with me for a second...He was stuck in the ocean right?
Imagine if he had a cellphone with him, picked it up and dialed someone in Cuba to build another raft out of tires and pick his ass up, because no one believes that fucking dolphin story. You know this right? He says that dolphins helped him get to shore. My ass. You know what the dolphins were? It was a shitty 1960's chevrolet that the Cubans used as a boat...but It happened to be blue...Like a dolphin. I'll believe it was dolphins that saved his life when I see a picture from a camera phone.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Infamous Year...2007!!!

This is a note I wrote on facebook about the new year...but I added to it and edited it...Enjoy My review of the year 2007.

This is the time of the year where all he magazines talk about the year 2007. you know, you'll get those issues of magazines and newspapers with all the events that happened this year; the good, the bad, and the ugly. All this talk makes me reminisce about my 2007...come join me on my emotional ride as I remember the most important moments of 2007...
It's been a year people. Gained some great friends, lost some great friends, and of course...I had that little child pornography scare, but it's all good now, me and little Jimmy settled out of court. I gave his parents a hundred dollars a piece and I let him keep the super soaker I brought on our "date." Thank god for the American Justice system and Michael Jackson's attorneys.

Let us start at the beginning of the year. The big clash of the titans ROSIE VS. DONALD TRUMP! Battle of the shitty Hair-Do's! Lesbian - Cut, vs. Roadkill! Rich vs. Richer! Bitch vs. Ass hole! And yes, Rosie was a bitch, I don't want to hear it! Poor poor Elizabeth Hasselbeck! She's too hot to be arguing with Rosie! I mean, she's hot! SHE'S HOT! Anyway, I am digressing... I like Rosie...I do, but she has been replaced with Whoopi Goldberg...whom I LOOOOVVEEE! I mean, her first name is Whoopie and on the old "Newlywed game" that's what they called sex! I also, love her last name...GOLDBERG! Because he was a kickass wrestler, whose special move was "The Jackhammer!" AWWWEEESOME! So, whoopi Goldberg to me is Sex and wrestling...two of my favorite things...if you throw out Mexican Food. Yo Amor Mexican Food.

What else...??? Well, of course the big story this year was Britney Spears. She SHAVED HER HEAD PEOPLE! AHHHH! Like Demi Moore did in GI Jane! She was driving with a kid in her lap, she is on drugs, and she is partying too much. But, that is not what bothered me about her. Now, look, I grew up a Britney Spears fan, and not because she was popular but because she was so hot, and I was going through puberty. Like, I can't tell you how many times I would just see her picture during my bar mitzvah years and have to jump in a swimming pool to cool down. Remember that time she was like naked at the VMA'S? So, how excited was I when I heard there was an upskirt photo of Britney Spears now on the internet! I remember, I went to the website where it was posted and I was so excited! I mean, here it was, the woman I've been wanting to see naked for years! My eyes were as big as a puppies, and let's just say something else of mine was too, and then...I saw it...and I won't get into detail because its gross, but lets just say, I worked at a birthing center for two months and you could tell she had two, fuck you britney spears you tease! FUCK YOU.

Michael vick was convicted of dogfighting...he's in prison now. Now, let me be the first to say, there is nothing funny about killing dogs and/or using them for is barbaric and disgusting, but am I the only one who thinks that the punishment doesn't fit the crime! I say we stick Michael vick in a pit against a pitbull he trained, no weapons and see who walks out alive! I mean, Michael Vick was one of the fastest guys in the NFL and his shoe costs 150 dollars...I'm thinking he's gotta have a shot. I know if I put Michael Jordan in the ring with a pitbull, the pitbull would just shoot itself because no one wants to fuck with Michael Jordan. I mean Michael Jordan will rip your heart out and then eat your guts.
Speaking of Michael Jordan and the year 2007. He got Divorced! And so did Shaquille O'neil. Sadly for heat fans Shaq's wife is the one leaving. If only Shaq got separated from the heat who were swept in the playoffs in the year 2007, and are now off to a horrible start.

Michael Jordan's wife is going to be paid 177 million dollars in divorce settlements! Turns out Michael gave her one dollar for every woman he ever slept with while they were married for over ten years.

Whether you like it or not folks, the presidential election is happening people and to we have a dogfight (Mike Vick stop licking your lips). Will it be Obama (black), Clinton (woman) or Edwards (Bill clinton), or will it be Mccain (honest veteran), Mitt Romney (cocky ass hole), Or Rudolph Guiliani (man with very strong lisp, may I recommend voice therapy...oh p.s 9/11). No one is sure who is going to win this election, but I can tell you one really cares anymore. I mean we have been hearing the same shit for the last two years! I feel like the only way people will start caring again is if there is some scandal. I want Bill to sleep with someone else! Fuck, I want him to sleep with Elizabeth Edwards, and then sleep with all of Guiliani's wives, and all 40 of Romney's wives too! Ugh Mitt Romney he flip flops on abortion more than Spongebob flips Krabby Patties. And how about this whole Morman thing? I mean, I don't care if our president is Catholic, Protestant, Arab, Yellow, Jewish, Mormon, or Anna Nicole's corpse but mormanism is just a really messed up religion! They think Jesus was all up in America's grill thousands of years ago! I mean, if Jesus was in America the same time as the Native Americans were...don't you think they would have eaten him? I'm not saying the Native Americans were cannibals...just that they enjoy the taste of human flesh. Oh relax! I can say that about them now since I go and gamble at the Hard Rock Seminole Hotel Casino! I give them my money I can call them whatever I want. If someone gave me 100 bucks they can call me the dirtiest, most foul things ever. They can even call me Hannah Montana, who I don't like and who I think looks a little asian or autistic.

And speaking of spongebob, the new episodes made this year have sucked! There was one where patrick was scared so he dressed up as a girl, and called himself Patty and Mr. Krabs and Squidward kept hitting on him! I don't know what's worse for sex, inky tenticles or Crabs...I think I'd go with the inky tenticles...As long as you consider it like another form of lube, then you should be sloppily good to go!

Anyway, that's my two cents on the year. I know a lot of other stuff happened this year...and I'm, not saying those things weren't important....the truth is I just probably was too coked up to notice. Oh come on! You know I'm talking about soda! That new coca cola plus WITH vitamins!!! I always say, if you're getting your vitamins and minerals from coca cola you have bigger issues than needing vitamins and minerals.

I hope you all read this little note and enjoyed yourselves, but seriously, if I make take a moment...
I wanted to say thank you to all my friends and family who have made this such a special the people i have met this year and who read this its been my old friends...I love you... and to the people this year I've lost touch with...there's a reason you're reading this call me, facebook me, let's catch back up.
David Schwartzbaum


My name is David Schwartzbaum, I'm currently at an arts school for acting and love comedy. I write sketches, do improv and open mic nights. I started writing email updates to my mother a while back about life...she asked me if she could send them out to other people..I said people expect great things from my emails. People have asked me for about a year...START A BLOG, so i have.

I will do a rant about once a week. I will update it probably on saturdays, sometimes fridays or sundays but definitely once a week on the weekend. If you like me, sign up to get email reminders when i do, if not check on Saturday (if not shomer shabbos) and if you are then sunday.
Tell your friends!
(its the first thing i ever wrote.) Also its my email address
On to the comedy!