Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, sorry he doesn't exist...no not god, santa...but while we're on the subject....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
You know, I know this might surprise a lot of you out there in cyberland, but I don't mind Christmas. Now, yes, it is a pagan holiday based on another pagan holiday stolen by the Catholic Church...but it's better than a festival of lights..the Jews SURE know how to party! But, I think the whole superficial giving and pretend sharing we do on Christmas is commendable, I mean, we are Americans, we're shallow...BUT, there is one thing I cannot except about Christmas...and that is santa claus...FUCK SANTA CLAUS. I hate his fat ass. I hope that fucker dies of diabetes. You would think that someone who works so hard building toys, and traveling would lose some weight. There's a reason he uses reindeers and doesn't fly planes, because the airlines would make him buy 2 seats to fit his fat ass in. Who is this obese whale? He is some ass hole who has magical capabilities to first either make or purchase all toys for all good Christian children, and then get them to their houses in a 6 hour period...AND he knows who's naughty or nice. So, let me get this straight. He is a magical being who rewards the good and punishes the guilty by being omnipotent...kind of sounds farmilliar...like...GOD! Santa = god. They are the same damn thing! I am going to start praying to santa from now on, at least I get something tangible out of him...actual presents...not like what god gives me...fuck eternal salvation, I want a cabbage-patch doll, or a tickle-my-elbow doll or whatever the hell the children play with these days.
AND SPEAKING of tickle my elbow dolls...what representation of god are we making to children? Obesity is the number one epidemic in this country, and the savior of children, the one who is watching their every move is this fatass guy? I want a slimmer guy...AND speaking of child molestation, where does this reclusive get the technology to spy on the christian children? Do they stick a monitor into the child's head during baptism? This fatass is a fucking pedafile, sneaking into children's houses leaving them presents so they warm up to him, that's when he stuffs his cock in a stocking and has the kid jingle his balls. You know what, it makes sense that he's so fat and has a huge beard...he is too ugly to get laid....even mrs. claus won't touch that jelly belly, so he gets it from kids.
It's not only parents that are into this bullshit myth santa claus: The closeted, obese, pedafilic phony god, it is everyone else. There was a website this year that tracked where santa claus was at ALL hours of the night! Now, either than the obvious questions...I have a simple one. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO TRACK AN IMAGINARY BEING AS HE FLIES THROUGH THE NIGHT SKY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE EARTH, BUT WE DO NOT HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO FIND ONE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN IRAQ!? Explain that shit to me santa claus! Oh you can't! You're too busy seeing children when they are sleeping you perverted massichist.
I'll end this blog with this...
REALLY!? How has this myth not evolved! Santa still comes through chimneys!? WHO THE FUCK STILL HAS A CHIMNEY!? This isn't 1861. How is Santa getting into houses now, does he hire out a locksmith?
Since it's Christmas, I'm going to end on a more positive note than usual...It's my final thought really...you see I think that:
Parents tell their children this myth, to preserve their children's innocence, to make them feel like there is magic on this planet, that there is karma, and that if you are good, you will be rewarded and bad people will be punished...and that's ok...it really is. But, what about not making up stories about a magical guy and his retarded red nosed reindeer? Tell them about the magic us humans do or experience every day, whether it be something as cheesy as love, to taking them outside and enjoying the incredible planet we have around us. We look too much toward the flying red -velvet wearing bag o' lard and not enough to the actual things around us. Don't wait for Santa to buy you a present, go get your friend a present, show people that you care...cause unlike Santa...we don't live forever...or don't do any of that...because just like most other people... at the end of the day...I don't give a fuck.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I am thankful for...MURDER! (Happy Tofurkey Day!)

Woof! I love thanksgiving! It is my kind of holiday! Nothing says "Tis the season" like the mass murder and ritual eating of millions of lesser beings! It's so "Crime and Punishment" so "Leopold and Loeb" that it makes a little tingle shoot down my spine...the wondrous tingle of murder.
Now, as I always like to explain...All holidays are about oppression, and this one is no different! Except this time, since it's a Catholic (Ok. An American holiday cause this country is SOOO Secular, just ask the sinful gays who are destroying the sanctity of marriage shelled out for us IN THE BIBLE) Holiday not a Jewish or Muslim one...we are the Oppressors not the OppressEEs. Thanksgiving is so fitting to have in America. A country where we believe we can just spread Democracy anywhere because we are just SO right about how countries should be governed. I mean, look how Afghanistan and Iraq have turned out! Everyone LOVES democracy? They love democracy as much as they like throwing rocks! And every Arab LOVES throwing rocks...or else why would they do it so much? You know who probably doesn't love democracy? The native Americans! Democracy gave them smallpox! Ok. Maybe not actually democracy, it was the blankets we gave them laced with smallpox but I bet you that there was a majority vote on whether we should give them blankets, quilts, or panchos laced with smallpox...THAT'S DEMOCRACY BABY!
Look. I'm not here to bash America here in this blog...I am very lucky and thankful to be alive where I am right now in a country where 66 percent of us are overweight/ (me) obese (drew carey) and we have a holiday where all we do is gorge ourself with fatty foods. That's like a turtle taking a holiday off to walk even slower, or a drug addict to take a day off to just do MORE drugs..I love America!
No, but really. I am so thankful. So thankful I wasn't born in the Congo, Sudan, Rwanda, Burundi, Ethiopia, Tibet, Zimbabwe, Brazil, West New Guinea, Zanzibar, and Iraq, because I'm 19...and thanks to genocide I'd probably be dead. So thankful I wasn't born in 1980's Lebanon, or 1970's Cambodia, or 1971 Bangladesh, or 1960-70's Guatemala, or 1940's Germany (that was a small one few people know about), or anytime in the last 100 years in Russia!
It's what we do as a civilization! As a people! Just like how bullies beat up little kids and animals, cause they are less important...us humans do the same thing! Because of skin color, race, religion, or just because...well, for no reason we think we're better. Just ask our Lame fuck president about it.
I am not here to ruin thanksgiving...I love thanksgiving...I'm one of those fat people who is going to gorge himself on stuffing and tofurkey and potatoes, I AM very happy to be born where I was, very thankful for my family...all I want to say is...let's remember why thanksgiving happened. The sacrifices people made, willingly and unwillingly so we can sit around and stuff our face Like Britney Spears from 2005-2007. And I am Thankful to Britney Spears for giving me months of Material! And President Bush for 8 years and hopefully more! And Michael Vick for having a black man to TRULY hate WITH reason! And to Sean Penn for being the biggest tool since Tim Allen on "Home Improvement!" And I am thankful for Sean Paul's fake "Reagae music". I am thankful...I guess what I am saying is...I am thankful for the oppression! I am thankful that we were the Oppressors and not the Oppressees!
So, when you sit down at your Thanksgiving table with all your food, and your fat children, eating in a nice home with A/C or Heat...just remember...there are people in other countries who don't have any of this shit...but, for one day...we won't give a shit...FUCK EM! IT'S THANKSGIVING! Pass me the heavy gravy, turn on football...do you feel that? It's that wondrous feeling only one thing can bring...it's the majestic tingle in your spine of Murder...MASS MURDER!
HAPPY Turkey Day!
And if you don't like it...you probably live in some country that's just not as great as us! But, don't worry...you won't be around for long...sooner or later we'll oppress you..and if not us...Genocides happen more often on this Earth than a celebrity Dying of "Accidental" Overdoses.
AND THANK YOU HEATH LEDGER FOR EVERYTHING! YOU WERE COMEDIC GOLD!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Arts School drop out (Arts school drop out)

Instead of telling you all how Im leaving arts school to pursue comedy. I'd thought I'd sing it to you "TO The tune of Beauty School Drop out" From "Grease" *(P.S. I hate this show and the song...like I hate arts school!) AHH Fits Perfectly!

David's story is sad to tell,
An actor ne'er do well,
Most mixed up Comedian on the block!
Your future's pretty clear now,
Comedy's your career now
Would trade it all in for a smile!

"ANGELS SING! LA LA LA LA LA LA"

Arts school dropout,
No graduation day for you.
Arts school dropout,
You Sucked at Meisner and withdrew from crew.
Well at least you could have taken time, to polish your comedic skills
After spending all that time learning pointless movement drills.

David get moving (David get movin),
You're not an actor, don't you lie.
What are you proving (What are you provin)?
You don't dream cause that's for pussies.

If you don't go for your diploma, you could be as big as seth rogen
Just please Don't end up like Lyndsay Lohan.

Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout),
Hanging around the cantina Express
Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout),
Spent my first year in the dorm called furness.

Well they couldn't teach you anything,
You think you're such a looker,
But no customer would go to you 'SPECIALLY if you were a hooker!

David don't sweat it (Don't sweat it),
Run with the whole thing, being funny
Better forget it (Forget it),
Just be a wannabe Belushi.

Now your bags are packed, your mom's in tears , and still the
world is cruel.
Wipe that cake off your face and go back to arts school!

Baby don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Baby you know it,
Even Jim Carrey'd say the same!

Now I've called the shot, get off the block, I really gotta
fly!
Gotta Date with Richard Jeni, in the sky!

Arts school dropout (Arts school dropout)
Go back to Arts School

So, as many of you have heard or are hearing right now...I'm dropping out of my arts school. Yes, it's official. I am joining the great drop outs of our generation. People like Albert Einstein, Michael J. Fox and Steve Martin. Now, of course...I am no scientist, I don't want to end up with parkinson's shaking more than a woman riding a sybian, and I certainly don't have the boyish charm of Steve Martin with the hair of an 80 year old man filled with wisdom. So, the drop out might just be ill-advised. So, what prompted me to leave? Well, I wish I could say something comedic, like, "it was the gays that made me leave" or if it was how I left middle school, where I flipped off my principal, it's just...at an acting school you learn the techniques of acting...and I'm a comedian.
I started looking at online schools, and online schools are like those drunk chicks at 4am. You know they are not very attractive, you know you're going to regret spending a night with them, but it's 4am at a club, you're drunk and you want to get laid...That's what an online school is, except without the pleasure of an orgasm, but with that same feeling of discontent when you wake up four years later with a degree from the university of maryland online university college. THAT'S the real name of the online college I'm considering! It says it's a university twice, and calls itself a college in it's name because it's just trying to CONVINCE you it's a college...when we all know it isn't. "We're telling you! We're a college! We call ourselves it several times in our name." I guess if you put lipstick on a sarah palin, she's still a pig (that's the saying right?). So, I'm focusing strictly on sketch/improv stuff, which means I'm working on being unemployed.
But, I'm excited about my future, and am very grateful to my arts school and the time ive spent here. I've learned a ton...not enough to keep my here, but a ton.
I guess the worst thing about dropping out of arts school is the same thing as deciding to go to art school...the relatives giving you advice and their guilt. There's nothing better than hearing your grandmother say, "Why don't you be a lawyer?" Or your Dad's Alcoholic cousin tell you about how he wanted to be a tought greaser with a heart of gold when he was younger. People seem to not be able to realize that I don't care. It's that simple. If I wanted advice, I'd ask for it, and the only thing I take advice from is Jim Carrey movies. It's why I'm a vegetarian (ace ventura), Don't lie (Liar, Liar), know all hot red heads live in aspen (Dumb and Dumber), pray to prayer bracelets made by jennfer aniston (bruce almighty), hate the number 23, don't steal midget's christmas presents, and know if I ever am stuck in a fake, staged world made for myself, I should leave to go fuck Natasha Mcelhone. (Truman Show). Now, I wonder what the moral will be behind his new movie yes,man? Maybe something about saying yes man. ANYWAY, the point is I'm off to some sort of colored pastures, and I'm excited. Not excited like your dog is when you come home, or excited like when you see A "Gossip Girl" Marathon is on TV, but excited in the way of a religious person who is about to die and excited for the after life...the only difference is, this second life is real...and hopefully filled with a lot more drug use.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Videos of my improv troupe

I am part of an improv troupe here in Philadelpia called the Yes, Ampersands. We put on a sketch show, with some improv thrown in on October 24th. It was Politically themed. I was in it and wrote most of the sketches. Enjoy, tell me what you think and tell your friends.

Pancakes



Presidential Negative ADS (written by yours truly)





This video has on it A blackout sketch about sanctity of marriage, a sketch called "Coming out" and an improv game called movers and shakers



Sketch called "Going Green"




Another Improv game called Scenes from a hat





A fun improv game called press conference

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

MOVE BUSH! GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH GET OUT THE WAY!

So, we have a new president! President Barack Hussein Osama Bin Cat Stevens Mohammed Atta Michelob Light Laden Anna Nicole Smith Obama! Now, I am an Obama supporter. I was out celebrating out in the streets of Philadelphia last night in Indapendence hall. It was a beautiful sight to behold...all Americans joining together to celebrate the election of a TERRORIST! Nah. Nah. But, I am amazed by the disappointment and fear of Mccain Supporters and do to the sensitivity of the subject, I am not hear to talk about the reasons I voted for Obama or any rumors...I'm a comedian...you want political coverage...turn on my boy blitzer on CNN. But, what I'm amazed is the fear. People REALLY believe Obama means the destruction of the state of Israel. That he is going to go to the iraninas, "here are a couple nuclear bombs..now make sure you don't point them to Israel...OOPS!" I mean, come on...who do we really think Obama is...Leslie Nielsen in the Scary Movie films? Israel has survived countless wars and battles, they even survived Paul Mccartney's performance...it's not going anywhere.
How about how he's a closeted Muslim? Well, ok...but as long as he stays in the closet about it. This election had gay marriage bans passing in Arizona, California and Florida. So, if we expect the gays to stay in the closet. I'm sure Obama can do the same right!? Let's just ban muslim religion! No, No. That's agsint the constitution...LETS JUST NOT ALLOW MUSLIMS TO MARRY! You know, have less rights than Christian couples... like not being able to see their partner if they are in the hospital, then we'll see if Obama is a REAL Muslim, not a muslim...or even more in the closet about it. The idea that Obama is a closeted Muslim is insane...like Ok. You think he'll be bad for Israel...fine...that's your political view...but to think he's a Muslim cause when he was 4 he went to a Muslim school is ridiculous. NO ONE PICKS THEIR RELIGION WHEN THEY ARE 4! They believe every story! Crazily, I believed in God when I was 4....AHHHHH! I actually thought there was a walking, talking snake that once existed, in a magical garden, who was cunning and evil! AHHHH...I must be a snake charmer now! I know crazy right? (editor's note. David does believe in god and endorses the old testament as the only book. All the other ones are fun reads, like James Patterson books, but are just the bad sequels...like Rush Hour 2 and 3, or Godfather 3. But, he impolores that you don't take religion too seriously...religion is like sex...you take it too seriously, it's not fun, and someone could lose an eye.) George Carlin, one of the biggest atheists ever went to catholic school all through high school...cause his parents wanted him too...calling Obama a closeted muslim because his father...who ditched him when he was 4... put him in a Muslim school, is like calling me gay because one time I got curious, watched gay porn and didn't absolutely hate it.
I guess what I'm trying to say here...is "don't worry. be happy" cause at the end of the day, 80 percent of Americans got what they wanted. NO MORE BUSH! If we can't agree on a President ok...let's agree on who SHOULDN'T be president. Just like how Jon Ritter should have NEVER been replaced on "8 Simple rules for dating my teenage daughter" DAMN YOU DAVID SPADE! YOU RUINED TWO FAT PEOPLE'S CAREERS IN CHRIS FARLEY AND JON RITTER YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE...sorry, sorry...my apologies...wow...I felt like Reverend Wright there for a second, WHITEY WHITEY GOD DAMN DAVID SPADE! NOT GOD BLESS DAVID SPADE, GOD DAAMMMMMMNNNNNN DAVID SPADE! good impression right? But, seriously...no more bush! Ladies...shave that shit!!!
To end this pointless blog...this sort of funny blog in wake of all the serious notes going up on facebook, livejournal, and myspace, I end with a couple fun songs...you can sing with me I made up yesterday while drunk in the streets:

"To tune of I love Rock and Roll"
I love Barack Obama...put a little change in the congress (or country, your choice) baby!

"To Nah Nah Nah Goodbye"
Nah Nah Nah Nah. Nah Nah Nah Nah. Hey Hey FUCK BUSH! (that one could be my favorite...pretty blunt)

"To the tune of Have Naguila"
Have, Naguila Obama Naguila Obama, Naguila ve Fuck you Bush.

and finally, my favorite...the title of this blog
tune of ludacris' "move Bitch"
MOVE BUSH GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH! GET OUT THE WAY!

That's it baby...we can all argue everything. Whether Obama is going to destroy everything we love, whether he pees on the American flag instead of using a toilet, whether Michelle Obama's vagina is the cave where Osama Bin Laden is hiding and whether Obama's children will grow up to be the next williams sisters (I hope so...they've got asses that just won't quit, won't quit like Obama's ties to domestic terrorists!) BUT, we can all agree on one wonderful thing! BUSH IS DONE! HE'S DONE! THAT'S IT! KAPUT!
As we chanted in the streets yesterday about Bush
"NO MORE YEARS! NO MORE YEARS!" That is the change we want and the change we NEED! Tell your children, today is not historic because we voted a black man into office, but today we voted a retarded man out of office.
MOVE BUSH GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY BUSH GET OUT THE WAY!
And obama...if you are a closeted Muslim...I want you to feel comfortable reading my blog so...
ALLAH AKBAR!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Live from new york it's John Mccain!

Guys. I don't know about you...but I am fucking nervous. I am more anxious than Owen Wilson in a room filled with sharp objects. I am super nervous about this election's ending. Not because I'm a rabid, pink lipstick wearing pitbull of an Obama supporter, or a mavericky Joe six pack of a Mccain supporter...I'm not nervous about this campaign as an American...I'm nervous about it...as a comedian. You see, to be blunt...what the fuck am I going to talk about after this fucking election? Social issues? Actual events with points? Make honest opinions on social goings ons? Ugh...so here it goes...possibly my final blog about the election...except for the elections one which of course I'll be (not) liveblogging right here!

So, I've been getting a lot of texts and IM's lately about the campaign. Everyone asking me if John Mccain's bit on SNL was funny. Now, there's two issues with this logic. First, why are you asking some ass hole 19 year old kid if something is funny? I mean, I'm just, well...an ass hole 19 year old kid...My answer has been..yes..it was very funny...but if I wanted someone funny to be president I would've voted for Ralph Nader on three separate occasions. Or I would say, yes. I think it was funny...and I think John Mccain is funny...just wouldn't make a good president. I'd love to have a beer with president Bush. Fuck. I'd love to get drunk with president bush, do some lines of coke off Laura's tits...YEAH...but that doesn't mean he was in any shape or form a good president...or person...ANYWAY, I guess I don't see the reason why it matters if John Mccain was funny on SNL...I guess the only real reason it matters is because for ONCE in the last few years (either than Tina Fey's brilliant performances) SNL was funny! That's what we should be talking about! SNL is only funny when they do impersonations! It has lost all its satiric edge, all its moxie...it's like Stella before she got her Groove Back. SNL needs to get its groove back. Now, I'm not saying I could do it, but...shit could I. But, I have another solution...whoever loses this election should become full-time cast members on SNL. So if Mccain/Palin lose, they should sign contracts to be on SNL every week! The show would be a hit! Not a bad consolation prize...lose the presidency and now you can make people laugh every week! Just an idea I had. What do you think?

Finally, I Absentee voted this week...and it doesn't matter, but I did vote for the candidate who is over 44 years old and under 73 years old, he was a senator for at least four years, but no more than 30, spent many years in public service, has a lovely wife and children, and is one of the colors of a black and white cookie. Can you guess? But, Like I said Absentee ballots don't matter in Florida...Like it says in the title, they are absent ballots. They are absent from the election...just ask 2000 Florida.
Just remember, don't O'D on the election on tuesday...heed the warnings on the label. "If this Election lasts more than four hours, seek immediate medical help."

See you all when we have a new president!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hi. My name is David Hussein Schwartzbaum

One of my favorite movies is "Angels In The Outfield". My favorite scene is when Danny Glover is about to be fired because he won't admit there are no angels helping his baseball team, but then...the little kid stands up and tell everyone how he sees angels. Then, Tony Danza does it, until EVERYONE says they see angels...and the owner storms off and Danny Glover keeps his job. In the lovely Movie "In and Out" starring my boy Kevin Kline (why is he my boy? well, he's married to phoebe cates, can I say anymore? If that means nothing to you, stop reading this blog, grab some Vaseline and rent, or on demand or whatever the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and zoom 43 minutes and 17 seconds into it and go to town...I'll wait for you to come back...Ok. Great here we go.) ANYWAY, my boy Kevin Kline was in the film "In and Out" about a gay teacher...and just like Angels in the outfield, they were going to fire him for being gay (to believe in angels is also gay by the way) so everyone stood up and said they were gay too. So,the principal got all upset and hired him back. WHY DO I TELL YOU THIS!? Because I want to use the same principle in my first ever initiative.
Now, let me prefice this by saying...yes...I am an Obama supporter...an avid one...I'm an Obamamaniac. I actually wrote a song about it...wanna hear it? It goes to the tune of the "Animaniacs theme song! If you need the tune,
here's youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtM_qFq_hxg

Here we go (Clear Throat Sound)

I'm an Obama Maniac,
and I'm zany toward the blacks
I believe the upper class,
should be more heavily taxxed,
Obama Maniacs!

I love universal healthcare
and government contracts,
I love polar bears, beluga whales and even rats
Sarah Palin Likes to hunt em'
Oh man she's such a cunt,
she loves killing moose
go moose vamoose
I wish she would get shot!

I'm an Obama Maniac
Abortion's a choice
and sexuality is not
fiscal policy is sought
a war-mongerer is not
I'm an Obama Maniac!

Meet Michelle Obama she is hotter than Palin,
Seeing them together makes my penis want to burst
Mccain attacks Obama, it all seems so rehearsed.
This election's jipped,
this song is shit
could this get any worse?

I'M AN OBAMA MANIAC!
Equal pay for female contracts
I'm Zany toward the blacks
No balogne, just the facts,
I'm Obamaney,
gonna go campaigny
Oba - MANIACS!
Those are the facts!

(LOUD THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!)
Thank you, thank you.

ANYWAY, before I went off on that lovely tangent, where was I...OH YEAH!
No one can doubt, I'm a warm blooded liberal, as those "real americans" would call me..."a faggot" and the funny thing about that, is well...I guess it's not funny...I just am not sexually aroused by a penis...unless it's mine, cause mine is awesome. AND I mean Awesome like god. Like AWE-SOME. It makes you bow with awe. ANYWAY, god. I'm ADD today. Anyway, I honestly don't care who you vote for in this election...I've said that a lot mostly because I think our votes won't count either way...I think there's a 50/50 chance Obama wins because after the computers glitch and they just pick who randomly pops up...it'll be obama or mccain...50/50.
BUT, what I'm sick of is the smears. I'm SO sick of them. I don't care that Obama went to an "Islamic" school when he was 4, which happened to be the only decent school in his area, I don't care that there is a slim chance he was born in some African country...I don't care! I want to focus on the issues! AND I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT THAT HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN! I know a kid whose name is Jack Doft...he's still a nice kid...even though his name is hilarious. Just because we know a couple motherfuckers with that name makes him a bad guy? PLEASE. That's horse shit. I know a guy named Adolf...I'm going to go shoot him to protect the country. How about the hundreds of millions of people with the name Mohammed on this planet? Are they all just like Mohammed Atta, the mastermind of 9/11 under Osama Bin Laden? PLEASE. People actually defend themselves. They say why don't we call him by his FULL name...we did for all the other presidents....REALLY!? No we didn't, middle names are like the Appendix in the body...they serve no purpose, nobody likes them, they are usually uglier than your other organs and no one even recognizes like them until they inflame and make you uncomfortable and try to kill you. People say, well we call Franklin roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt...Yeah we called Him that in 6th grade U.S. History to know the difference between Theodore and Franklin. I remember studying it actually and remembering them as the one with two names and the one with three. People give other exceptions. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, George Walker Bush, William Jefferson Clinton...and so on...Wait a second! Wait a second! I HAVE NEVER CALLED JFK JOHN FITZGERAL KENNEDY! John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush...the Oliver stone movie wasn't called Walker, this isn't chuck norris' show, it was called "W" for a reason. We use the middle initial, we NEVER say the full middle name, they are NEVER on ballots...anyone who says otherwise is a racist smearer who either hates black people, muslims or both...and I mean that.
SO, in order to throw away this smear, I ask you to show solidarity and save the name Hussein, just cause one bad fucker had it doesn't mean it's not a fine middle name. So, I have changed my facebook name to David Hussein Schwartzbaum...I want you all to do the same...whether you like Obama or not...whether you are voting for Mccain or not...I want you to switch your name...If you hate the smears, if you hate the lies by either campaign, change your facebook name and include the middle name Hussein...let's show our humanity, and our support...let's show we're sick of this racist smear shit...vote for who you think is the best...vote like you really think it's going to count.
I have already done it..check out my facebook name David Hussein Schwartzbaum (and ps if your not friends with me on facebook, please become one). Whether its your own personal blog...or a myspace or facebook...change it...add the middle name...to show solidarity.
Leave a comment on this blog or on my facebook with the link to your new name! I'd love to see them! Tell your friends! Let's bring this name back, so they can't smear people for their names...something they can't help...like sexual preference...but well...that's for a different blog.
GO OUT SPREAD THE WORD!!!
Signed
David Hussein Schwartzbaum

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

(Not really live) LiveBlogging the 3rd presidential debate.

Blogging the debate! My brother has brilliantly live blogged the third presidential debate...if you want ACTUAL political analysis, check out his website adamschwartzbaum.com BUT if you want the REAL stuf (wink wink) I've got it for you right now.

What a debate huh!? The final debate of the outside of the oreo vs. the inside of the oreo, the young vs. old. The changeling vs. the maverick, and the red tie vs. the blue tie! What a debate it was! First of all, I know there's lots of rumors out there about me and my ties to Billy Ayers...and they are all true...I fucked Bill Ayer's daughter SOOO good. I TERRORIZED that shit. You might say I blew up her Public School building! No, no. But, I am glad Mccain finally was able to explain his blatant attacking of Obama on Bill Ayers tonight. I think he made a good point. I mean, Obama was 8 when Bill Ayers blew up many public buildings...so OBVIOUSLY he has a connection to Ayers. Similarly, to me. I was 8 when Andrew Coonanin murdered many homosexuals including Gianni Versace...he did it in Miami (THE CITY I LIVED IN)...and killed himself on a house boat across the street from a friend's house...it is obvious that me and my friend...since we used the same marina to go fishing on, and my friend had his boat next to Coonanins...it is obvious that we also hate homosexuals and helped with the murders. Now, Obama might not have strapped himself up with C4 like his grandparents in those fundamentalist islamic countries like Kenya do...but he CERTAINLY was an enabler.
I'm a little upset though...They didn't ask about the HOMO-SEXUALS. Every year, I love it when a pretty lesbian stands up and asks "why can't I get married to the woman I have loved for 20 years" and just then, you have to watch the republican squirm trying to say, "uh...I think it's ok your gay..I just want to pretend like you don't exist." It's like what Achmadinijad said "Gays don't exist in Iran." Well, same in America...in this country we call gays members of the green party.
It did get a little heated at some point. The SERIOUS (not this one) blogs are talking about the big eye roll Mccain gave Obama when Obama was talking about the Columbian President. But, you've got to understand...if you pump up the volume on the video and slow it down, you can clearly see an audience member shoot a nerf gun in toward Mcain's face, and he was simply trying to avoid it. Four melanoma surgeries and he's still got reflexes like a cat! A cat...with four melanoma surgeries that is.

And how about Mccain saying Bluntly.."I am not President Bush!" You're right..you certainly are not...President Bush is MUCH better looking, and would know better than to continuously grimace and grind his teeth whenever his competitor made any sort of comment about anything. Like I just think Mccain was so inappropriate...Mccain rolled his eyes back more times than Bristol Palin, when she was orgasming during her underage, unprotected, original sin sexual escapades that will lead to an out-of-wedlock child.

Finally,
I think Obama won the debate...I just think he looked more presidential...he looked stronger. I think Mccain did a nice job...but Mccain is just too far behind the man in black to make it up the cliffs of insanity (princess Bride reference...sorry I know I shouldn't explain jokes...but I get very proud of myself when I make clever puns).

The most important thing is for all of you 10 people who read my blog to go out and vote...no matter who it is for...because at the end of the day...this country needs to keep the illusion going that our votes actually count.

As I ended my first Presidential blog here on the site. You've gotta vote for your president by how you drink your coffee.
If you like your coffee with real chunks of polar bear in it, vote for palin Via Mccain.
If you like your coffee with a little determination and a slight "foot in your mouth" taste vote Obama via Biden.
If you like your coffee strong and black, but maybe a little too flavorful for it's own good. vote Obama
And finally, If you like your coffee old, tepid, sterile, hot tempered, and cancerous vote mccain.

As captain planet used to say!
The POWER is (Sort of) YOURS!

Oh! The Polls! Of course!! Who won the debate according to the latest polls.

High Times Poll

18 percent Obama
2 Percent Mccain
80 Percent Strawberry Cheesecake mmmmmm

African Americans making less than 50,000 dollars a year who have some sort of Kenyan Descent

Obama 99 Percent
Mccain 1 Percent
(stats on this poll are +- 1 percent)

Who did the best at the debate?

10 percent Obama
9 Percent Mccain
91 Percent Philadelphia Phillies

That's all I got! Go vote...or...uh...don't?

Monday, October 6, 2008

I've got Jungle fever...and the only prescription is more cowbell...and Michelle Obama

Whenever the lovely Sarah Palin comes up in conversation, there are always jeers from my loony liberal friends, and then someone makes a "but she's hot" joke. You know what! I've had enough of these jokes! It is obvious that we have such little respect for this woman that all we can do, as horny young men is make comments on her obvious non-manly appearance...but I think we're forgetting someone in this conversation...MICHELLE OBAMA! God DAMN! Michelle Obama is HOT! I mean, maybe you can accuse me of Jungle Fever, but so be it...if I'm Tarzan and she's my colored Jane I am SOOOO Down. Like, have you seen Michelle Obama? Let's talk about that buh-donk-a-donk for a second..DAAAAMMMMNNNN. She is BOOTYLICIOUS. Ok. Ok. A lot of people want to talk about whether or not Barack Obama is REALLY black. Usually these people will also argue with you that he is a terrorist muslim...so he's not black, but middle Eastern...but let's just take the opinion of the regular stupid person for a second. The one who voted for George W Bush in 04 and actually regrets it (like 80 percent of the people who voted for him). If you think he's not black, take a look at his wife! She's blacker than a black sharpie on a blackboard, being flown on a blackbird eating burnt fried chicken and sugar water in a wired field... That blackberry surely isn't squirting her juice for any whitey black man.
No, but seriously. I feel like people don't make jokes about Michelle Obama's appearance because people seem to have respect for this woman. And why not? Princeton educated...raised two lovely girls, and still has perky breasts. Barack and her celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary this year at a nice italian restaurant, contrary to Sarah Palin and her husband who celebrated theirs by eating a polar bear. I guess all I'm really trying to say here...is that maybe it's time to disrespect Michelle Obama a little bit. Let's make her a FLILF...First Lady I'd like to Fuck. I mean, Laura Bush is a cutey, she was almost a FLILF...but if Bush has done to the world what he has done to it in 8 years...I'm scared of how he cold destroy a vagina in 30. Of course...I wouldn't be surprised if Bush treated his wife's vagina like Iraq...NO EXIT STRATEGY! Oh..in these tough financial times, you gotta be able to make yourself laugh huh? I guess all I'm trying to say here is that it's time to see some scantily clad pictures of Michelle! For the good of the campaign! Let's have pictures of her superficial young self in Bathing suit contests! How about her playing the incredibly phallic and sexual flute like Sarah Palin! Come on Michelle! Give us something! Stop being so cunning, charming and lovely! We WANT to disrespect you! OH SO MUCH! PLUS, you have Sarah Palin, wearing those little dresses...fuck that...I want a woman like Michelle Obama! Who can fill out a pants suit like nobody's business!
I'll end my blog this way...a couple weeks ago...I said, we shouldn't be drilling in Alaska, we should be drilling in Sarah Palin...Well, now I say we shouldn't be drilling in Sarah Palin, we should be drilling for that sweet sweet dark oil...in Michelle Obama.
REMEMBER...the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, the darker the chocolate the sweeter the taste...I want Michelle Obama to be sitting on my face (don't judge me. It's from hairspray)
I HOPE I DID MY PART IN THIS ELECTION BY FINALLY DISRESPECTING MICHELLE OBAMA!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time to Aerial Hunt Sarah Palin

I'm sorry. I can't lay off the subject of Sarah Palin. I hate her fucking guts. I really do...so much that even though I've already dedicated half a blog to her, now that I truly have gotten to know her...I need to dedicate a whole blog...Sarah Palin looks like an obese version of the baby in the E trade commercials if an anvil fell on her head....and like in the cartoons she became an accordion. She looks like a midget with her pudgy clubby little face and fingers. Looking at her makes not only makes my penis shrivel up, but I find that even balls curl up and go inside. I literally get a full innie from this woman. She is more disgusting than Robert Downey Jr. in a Sudafed factory, scarier than Tara Reid in a bikini, and has less of a soul than Bill Maher. I HATE THIS WOMAN. She is my female Jimmy Carter (of course, one could argue Jimmy carter isn't a man either). Now, why do I hate this marshmellow of a woman so much? Why do I want to take my hands and wrap them around this woman's windpipe until her voice is so rhaspy she sounds like Tom Brokaw? Well, I don't know if you know this...but I am an animal rights activist. I'm a vegetarian, don't eat, wear animal...and here comes Sarah Palin...she is in favor of something called Aerial Hunting. Let me explain to you what that is for those of you who don't know. Aerial hunting is a "sport" where people get in helicopters, fly around open fields with a gun outside, and FROM THE AIR shoot wolves! They don't keep the wolves! They don't eat them! They don't do anything but FLY AWAY! Now, why do they do this? Why do they just randomly kill these wolves? This is the incredible part...they do it because the wolves kill the moose...and they don't want the wolves to kill all the moose because (and here's the incredible part, and it's all scarily true) THE HUNTERS WANT TO KILL THE MOOSE THEMSELVES DURING HUNTING SEASON!!! AHHHHHHHHH!
So, let me get this straight!? We are killing fucking animals out of fucking helicopters so we can fucking kill OTHER animals on land!? SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY!? THIS IS NOT A SPORT, this is a fucking massacre! It's a fucking genocide. I'll tell you who thought the same way! A little known guy by the name of ADOLF HITLER! We have to kill all the Americans, English to get to the REAL problem...to hunt down the rest of the Jews, Gypsies and gays. It's like if I said I needed to kill every English person in the world to get to the scottish fucks in the UK. I truly hope Sarah Palin falls out of one of those helicopter and those wolves rip her apart like that 17 year old boy did to Bristol Palin's vagina...oh sorry...like that bastard baby will do to Bristol Palin's vagina. I HATE THIS WOMAN. I HATE HER pudgy little michelin man face, and I hate her fucking pig with lipstick smile. ANYONE, who treats animals like that should have to face those animals later. I want to take her and Mike vick and put them in a cage with a pitbull and a wolf and just watch those animals destroy them like how bush how has destroyed our economy...slowly, painfully, and with unfathomable stupidity. I'd love to aerial hunt Mccain, but I feel like, how fun of a hunt would he be? I'm sure he can't run fast... and I heard melanoma doesn't taste very good.
You know me...I've always been an Obama supporter, but now...I hope Biden destroys this woman at the VP debate. I hope he hits her so hard she feels the pain of every fucking moose she's ever shot in the head. I hope he smacks her so hard (metaphorically) that Bristol Palin's water breaks. I'm less rooting for Obama to win, and more I'm rooting for Sarah Palin to get a severe neck injury. Hopefully she'll pull a Tom Brady.

Anyway, I'm Jewish...and it's a new year...Just wanted to apologize to anyone if I've offended them throughout this blog...it was always totally my intention to do that...and I'm sorry if you are all too much of pussys to enjoy good comedy (unless your sarah palin or jimmy carter...I'll never forgive...never forget) A very happy Rosh Hashana! May you all be inscribed in the book of life and not the book of death...but if you are inscribed in the book of death...eh...I'll see you there soon.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Patriots Lost, Tom Brady's leg is jelly, so god won

WOOO! It's only week 3 of the football season and already I can see God's wonder and miracles playing into the National Football league schedule. Now, again, I know what you're all thinking...why would god bother wasting his time working on who wins football games...how trivial? But, you know what else is trivial? Bowling...and god invented that...so suck it.
Now, where to begin. We all know from my previous blogs that God hates Tom Brady. He hates him because he has a bastard child, wears the colors of the sinful, baby-aborting, pot smoking Netherlanders (Nethlandsians?), and he represents a state that allows homosexuals to marry. So, I wasn't surprised when Tom Brady went down...I mean, I really wasn't surprised...I've been betting on Tom Brady to get injured since he had his child before the 2007 season...you just don't bet against god...for some reason he always has better odds than the others...it's as if he is all knowing or something? So, not only is Tom Brady's leg now more broken than David Duchovny's marriage, but also the Patriots had their worst loss at home ever...Now, of course they did, they were playing the dolphins. Let's look at this completely logically. The Dolphin is one of the most caring species on the planet. They bare their young peacefully and do their very best to raise them properly (like humans). They are the only animals, either than humans that have sex for pleasure (and no female dolphin complains about their partner's penis size, but really that's because the Dolphin sound is too complex, could you imagine them trying to tell their partner that? EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH). Anyway, the dolphins might have pleasurable sex, but there's no adultery in the dolphin code, no aids, no STD's they are pure sexual animals...unlike humans who...thank you jesus for this comedic gem...are born in original sin. Now, I know what you're thinking...well, what's wrong with a patriot...I mean, nobility, power, honor! But, let's look at some of our greatest patriots... Thomas Jefferson... adulterer, and Slave fucker...He's a regular John Edwards! He's got a wife, and on the side he's boning a slave! Even had a kid with her! Of course...according to those times the kid was just 3/5 a person so maybe it was just 3/5 a sin. Lincoln...new information and research shows that he might be a homosexual! How coincidental, he lived in a log cabin and liked his cabin Logged! And George Washington, the ultimate patriot! The bastard with the wooden teeth! "Chopping down cherry trees" were metafors for his raping of hundreds of virgins.
So, like usual...God Smote the unholy.
He destroyed the evil, virgin bursting, popsicle pushing, blackberry juice drinking, patriots and allowed the sweet, tranquil disease-free dolphins to roam free.
AND to think, if Tom Brady just would've worn a condom none of this would've ever happened.
1 year, 4 months, and 3 days since the birth of Tom's Bastard...and counting, his continuous defiance of god metaphorically dickslapping god in the metaphoric face....and don't think we're not watching you Bristol Palin! Don't think we expect you or your husband to win any Soccer or hockey or Gorodki competetions lately...I say Gorodki cause we all know Alaska is so close to Russia...and Gorodki is their national sport.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm tom Hanks...my laptop is wilson


I understand if this picture is too graphic for you..WHY!? WHY!? p.s this is not my computer...but it really makes you think...what if it WAS!?

My computer died this weekend...it was awful. It was like losing my only child who I stored all my porn on. It died Saturday early-evening during a 12 hour marathon of House on the USA network. I couldn't tell you what time my computer stopped working because, well...I get the time from my computer. Look! I can see it right now! It's 5:40 PM! Let's say my computer died around 6 on satuday, so..until today...Tuesday I had had no computer, and it's like losing one of your five senses. Having a loaner computer is like having a loaner car...it's the same thing...it's a car, but yet for some reason you just don't feel fully comfortable using it. Like...will they know when you return it that I go to perez hilton to see who Miley Cyrus is dating? Or that I read that I play computer games nude? What about the scar on my right shoulder? I'm scared to put any love into this computer because I know I'm going to lose it...it's as if this computer is my foster child, I'm in this strange moment with it and I'm not sure what to do..sure I want to treat it right, but...I mean, it's going to be leaving me soon...like the kid in Angels in the outfield, only I can't see Angels and if I did the dude from Back to the future wouldn't be one...though Danny Glover could be an angel! Love you Danny!
Now, some of you might be thinking, oh David! You're overreacting, this is a computer! It's not a person...but that's not true! This computer is like a girlfriend to me, a brother, sister, mother, father. It helps me with my homework, it puts me to sleep with music, tells me when my next class is, I tell it my comedy and my most intense moments, and also...it helps me orgasm. It is everything!
Literally, not having a computer from Saturday to Tuesday is like being sucked into a black hole of which I thought I'd never be able to breathe again. I didn't care about the Hurricane Ike victoms until I realized that they probably wouldn't have computer access for WEEKS! Here's how my days went.

6:00 ish (Saturday) Watched House for a while. Began getting ready for a party, realized I didn't know where the party was. Now, usually I'd hop up on facebook and it would say, boom. Party at this place at this time...but no computer, no facebook. So, now I had to CALL my friends to find out where the place is, and you know how annoying that is? When you want to call your friends to talk for a second but you don't want to be rude...so you gotta have that weird conversation?
EXAMPLE

Me: Hey man
friend: Hey
ME: ....what's up?
friend: nothin much man, you?
ME: um...nuthin much
BOTH: ......................
friend why'd you call?
ME: you know that party tonight?
friend: yeah.
ME: where's it at?
friend: dude. i don't know I'm just going with this group. come with the group.
ME: who's the group?
friend: john, justin, janine, jack, jorge, jill
ME:I don't really like Justin
friend: cause he's black?
ME: no not cause he's black cause he's an ass hole
friend:yeah he is an ass hole... so you gonna come with us?
ME: nah
friend: alright peace bro.
ME: peace
PROBLEM NOT SOLVED!
this happened a couple times until I just called the host of the party and he gave me the incredibly legnthy unnecessary directions...I get it! It's the third house on the fucking street and if I get to the deli with the fat lady on it I've gone too far! JEEESUS! Stop telling me it thirty times.

IF ONLY I HAD FACEBOOK AND A COMPUTER THIS PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED!

let's fastforward to 3:00 am Sunday morning, just got back from the party.

You know when you're too drunk to sleep, but your not drunk enough to be well...drunk enough? You can't read...too drunk...can't just sit around...not drunk enough...how about a game on the computer? Surf the internet? Look at some naked pictures of celebs and giggle? AHH no computer! So, what'd I do instead? Sat in the shower for an hour. Which is ok...I mean, I like sitting in the shower...you got water, you got sitting, what's there not to like? It's like the brunch of showers. It's not a shower or a bath, it's not breakfast and it's not lunch...but like...I would've rather watched a bootlegged version of the old garfield cartoons.

SUNDAY! FOOTBALL SUNDAY!

It's sunday gotta place my bets...SHIT. Gotta do my fantasy shit...SHIT. gotta watch my packers game on tv...SHIT. Check the injury reports? NOPE! Blogs on the Packers (my team) NOPE!
YOU CANNOT WATCH FOOTBALL WITHOUT A COMPUTER! Football and computers are equal. You have to pregame for the football game nowadays, and I don't mean with liquor. The internet wasn't created by Chuck Norris, it was created by the NFL...check out Mike Vick's website www.Iwasoncearolemodelbutnowimgettingitdoggystylebyamannamedpacoyesiseetheironythatimgettingitdoggystylebecauseikilleddogs.com (I didn't realize how long his link was so for those who aren't dyslexic, here's it with the proper spaces. I was once arole model but now im getting it doggy style by a man named paco yes i see the irony that im getting it doggy style because I killed dogs .COM!) Let me just say, as a warning...the website, don't go there if you have a weak stomach or are a heterosexual..unless you're into that stuff which is cool with me.

MONDAY

I couldn't do ANY homework, everything was on the computer. I couldn't check the news, couldn't watch The Daily Show! I was hopeless! So, instead I played video games all day and called up some family members (I know scary right?)

Now, I have my computer again, and life is ok again. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and though I lost about three months worth of comedy that was on my laptop I feel like I'm ready to start anew with my new baby. Right now this loaner is ok...It's like when your dog dies when your little and your parents get you a bunny until they are prepared to get you another dog, becayse they don't want you to be sad until the dog shows up? Yeah...I'm gonna miss my old buddy. But, I know...wherever he is (probably in the metal of some children's toy made in china or my dog's food) he'll remember me...and just like the robot Haley Joel Osmond did, he'll finally...go to sleep. WILLSSSOOON! WIILLSSSOOONN!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Vitamin water + Sarah Palin + David = Arsen and Murder


I was in the supermarket the other day (if you're ever considering mass murder the supermarket is a great place to do it. Stupid people, lots of fun places to hide, enormous amounts of food. I want to set the lobsters free). So, I was in the supermarket the other day and something really pissed me off. I was in the drinks section. All around me was coke and sprite, some juices and then I saw of course, the 500 different brands of water, but then, in the water section, I saw something so irritating that it would make Alvin and the Chipmunks blow their heads off. When did vitamin water become WATER. When did Life water become water? You ask any irishmen what life water is they'll tell you simply...it's whiskey. What about this bullshit propel fitness WATER? This shit is not water! Water is NOTHING. Water tastes like NOTHING. It's not red or pine-guava-orange flavored! Once you put shit in water it becomes juice! How do you make orange juice? ORANGE JUICE AND WATER! How do they make that vitamin water shit!? JUICE AND WATER and if (here's some math) JUICE + WATER = JUICE Vitamin water = Juice + water therefore VITAMIN WATER = JUICE!
Why is it called water? It is an insult to the refreshing non-taste of water. I wouldn't want to bathe in vitamin water! If phoebe cates had propel fitness water pouring all over her while she took her top off in "Fast times at Ridgemont High" it would just be weird and gross (unless you like that sort of thing).
All I'm trying to say is that if you put anything in water...it no longer becomes water, it becomes juice.
Lemons plus water plus sugar = lemonade.
Apples plus water = Apple juice!
I could do this all day, but then you'll want to go to the supermarket and shoot the deli meats.
And the thing that pisses me off the most! These fucking crystal light commercials! You know the ones I'm talking about! The fucking commercials that ask you "is your water too pale?"
YES! YES CRYSTAL LIGHT! MY WATER IS PALE! IT'S SO FUCKING PALE THAT IT'S CLEAR, LIKE WATER SHOULD BE! That's like saying, are your fingers TOO fingery? Is your textbook to page-y? Well, this powder will fix that! Oh please! Water is supposed to be so pale it's clear, and if it's not...it's probably juice.

ADDENDUM


Speaking of overhyped, well advertised shit that's bad for your body and soul, Mccain picked his running mate. The Stone Cold Fox Sarah Palin! I say stone cold because her clitoris is as sensitive and gentle as a stone and her vagina is colder than the used-to-be ice, now water in the melting north pole. I can't tell you how much I hate this woman. She has the face of a fat, baby version of tina fey, and the body of an oompa loompa. She looks like a smashed crushed milk carton on the ass of a dead polar bear. Now, the candidates say that her 17 year old WHORE daughter is off limits, but happily to you all...I don't have limits. I mean, who remembers my heath ledger jokes blog? I mean, come on I'm such a JOKER. This 17 year old girl, Bristol, gets knocked up and we're supposed to just be good people and ignore her getting blown up like Violet Beauregarde after she chews the 3- course meal gum? (I'm in a willy wonka mood). That's no fun! This girl Bristol Palin first of all, gets knocked up by a hockey player...a HOCKEY player? Ok. Ok. I know this is Alaska, but this is still America right? And hockey players, are like 4th class citizens in the U.S. Yes, cindy Mccain, I know, Alaska is right next to russia, where the Miracle game occurred, but still not a good enough reason. A hockey player Bristol? Abort the kid before it blows its head off realizing who its father is. I will say this about Bristol Palin, I'd knock her up. I mean, she's got a little meat on her bones, but so do I right? So, does like 50 percent of America? Of course, I'd get her to abort it, cause as we learn in previous blogs, if they can't outrun a shotgun...it's an abortion. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
How do I end this blog? I'll leave it at this.
Sarah Palin believes we should all drill in Alaskan oil reserves, I believe we should all be drilling in Sarah Palin.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Lovin' is what I facebook

I just signed onto facebook and this is what was on my homepage: (names were changed in order to not embarrass, I'm a compassionate person)

Michelle wrote on Alex's wall at 10:15 AM
"I lovc you baby"

Alex Wrote on Michelle's wall at 12:37 PM
"I love you too baby"

Michelle Wrote on Alex's wall at 1:42 PM
"I love you I love you I love you I love you"

Alex Wrote On Michelle's wall at 5:12 PM

"<3 <3 <3"

Michelle Wrote On Alex's Wall at 7:50 PM

"I love you baby! i love you and I miss you!"

Alex Wrote On Michelle's Wall at 10:34 PM
"I miss you too. See you soon"

AHHHHHH! Are you FUCKING SERIOUS!? This is what I turn my computer on to!? I sign on facebook to find some nice pictures of strangers (when I say strangers I mean close friends) to masturbate to and I need to see this shit? Look. I'm a fan of facebook, I think it is a wondeful way to communicate, meet people, plan social events, and...ahem...get cell phone numbers when your phone "goes swimming" in the box of wine you were chugging in your ex boyfriend's bathtub. (check blog on cell phone number groups). BUT COME ON! Is that really communication? Love you, love you more, love you more AND the more you write that shit the better chance it's going to come up on my wall. Now, I get it, these people are boyfriend and girlfriend, so they torture each other in a monogomous relationship, but why drag me into it! I don't mind drug addicts until they try to get me to do their shit! Same business! I don't want to hear about how much you love each other or how fun the ferris wheel ride was, and how cute it was when pookie threw up after the tilt o whirl, and I certainly don't want to hear it from facebook's home page! Facebook is for more important things, like seeing how good close friends look in Bikinis, or to see if the girl you hit on while drunk was actually as hot as you thought she was (the answer is usually no, but I look at her bikini pictures anyway). Oh and by the way, I'm not against monogomous relationships, that's very wrong. I love them. My parents have been married 27 years, 9 of them were happy, then I was born. I hope to have a long, trustworty monogomous relationship one day with a woman I find special (any takers? Call me ;) ), but I sure as shit won't express it on facebook and sure as the hair on my nipples being darker than the hair on my head won't date someone who'd express it that way.
Here's ANOTHER thing I hate when couples do...Hold hands.
Now, i don't mean it, like when you're at home holding hands looking into each other's eyes, the guy's cock is slowly trickling over to the side of his thigh, or in a movie theatre where you're holding hands watching the movie, and your guy's cock is slowly trickling over to his thigh...no what I mean, is when people hold hands and walk on the street because now you have made a wide, long moving, impenetrable wall. On narrow sidewalks I can spend blocks walking behind two people holding hands, and what is one to do? Once I walked THROUGH this lovely couple holding hands and they looked at me like I just ended their relationship, like I just ruined their evening! Even more so, if you are a fat couple, you should know better, because not only is it IMPOSSIBLE to go around you, but it is certainly impossible to go through you guys without getting smushed like Lance Armstrong's cancerous testicle. Just walk next to each other! How about a hand over shoulder!? Saves room and is more intimate.
So, what did we all learn from this blog? You want to date..that's nice, I just don't want to know about it! And trust me, when I find a crazy bitch (or someone I knock up) I'll make sure that the only thing her hand is touching is my balls, and the only wall posts she'll get from me is, "Sorry baby, I was really drunk last night. I didn't know she was your sister."

P.S. I turned 19 on Wednesday. NO, I don't feel any different, SO don't even ASK! Being 19 is like being in purgatory. You're no longer 18, but you sure as shit are not 21, so you're stuck masturbating sober during a cigarette break just waiting for the sweet sweet fix of liquor heaven a couple years away...it blows...but thankfully according to my ID I'm 24 and from Alabama.

PPS The Olympics ended to day in Red China, and man did it go out with a bang! The chinese, in order to prove that the girl gymnast was indeed 16, not 13, leaked candid photos of the girl sending naughty pics to her rocker boyfriend. They also believed to have given The Olympic committee the girl's hymen in proof that she was 16 (Saudia Arabia didn't buy it because most hymen's there are popped by 10 years old).

PPPS Joe biden is Obama's VP nominee. I was going to vote for Biden, but he dropped out and had no shot. I love Joe Biden. He is an American bad ass, like Kid Rock but with talent. Bobiden 08! And yes I'm copyrighting that.

Monday, August 18, 2008

UH...LIMP...ICKS


The Olympics are in full swing people and you can tell the Olympics aren't happening in the USA because for once, there is a scandal involving a 13 year old that doesn't involve a teacher, priest or a sicko with a water gun and candy! (sometimes all three at the same time though) Of course, I'm talking about the Scandal about the Gymnast who helped win gold who turned out to only be 13. But, I don't see a problem with it. Everyone knows that 13 year olds are more flexible than 16 years olds (Trust me I work at a day camp with a bunch of them ;] ) so why not have the competitive advantage? In my opinion, it's just smart strategy. Kind of like those strategies those guys that are on Dateline have. (yes, I just made a Peta file joke about myself, there is a first time for everything)
Oh yes, Beijing, it's not quite "1984", but I bet you if Orwell made a prequel it'd be a lot like Beijing is right now...I have a good title for that prequel...1983! (eh fuck you I thought that joke was funny!)
But, seriously, fuck China. I have not watched any Olympic coverage because I will not support the massive human rights violations and the under-the-table weapons deals to Sudan.
Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking...You're thinking that I'm a hypocrite. I talk about human rights violations when less than a month ago I wrote a blog about committing genocide on Millions of people...but you see...as I said in that blog. None of those people were persecuted due to religion or race...they were persecuted for good reasons...for being retarded (and not the actual retarded, those guys I like cause they always laugh at my jokes).
I say, if we want to see a real Olympics, we give the angry Darfurians and the Oppressed persons in Africa a couple hundred million dollars in weapons and set them loose on China...then we'll see if "GLORIOUS CHINA" can handle it. For some culture aspect, we can have them all wear white shirts, put a huge black light on and have them battle Cirque De Soleil style! OH WAIT! Chinese people already glow in the dark due to the massive pollution! You know what else glows in the dark? Cat Piss. And that's what Beijing's human rights smells like, dirty, dirty, cat piss.
I don't like China, but that doesn't mean I don't love the Chinese. No my apologizes, I Ruv the Chinese! They are so nice, even though they don't have any peripheral vision. I think the Chinese PEOPLE deserve the Olympics, Oh wait...sorry, the Uhrimpics, but the government can go exactly where the whole "Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian story" can go...Right up her girlfriend's vagina. I don't know...I mean, Lindsay Lohan is hot, but if I wanted to have sex with something destroyed by cocaine, drugs, and a shitty childhood, I'll fuck pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr (less facial hair than Lohan).
But, seriously, I would not be able to write this article about the China in China, they would probably "Reeducate me" Which means, shock my balls until I am so numb I would feel like Tara Reid after a night on the town. I, as much as the next person criticizes the U.S. but I gotta say, we have it pretty good here. I mean, if China is 1984, I'd say we are like the classic book "Where the Red Fern Grows" with those cute little fucking dogs chasing raccoons with their little child friend, except at the end the dog doesn't die, it becomes a world power for 300 years until ceding to other dogs because it has been borrowing from those dogs and has spread it's resources out all over the world because of Idealistic ideas.
Well, I'm going to continue to boycott the Olympics, sorry, sorry, again It's in China this year I keep forgetting, the Uhrympics, because I want China to have the same rights we do. For instance, the Chinese government confiscated 200 bibles today... and that is just wrong! I believe the Chinese have the right to read fairy tales just as much as the next person. Where would we be without the story of Noah or the Berenstein Bears? (Ooo hit the religious people hard with that one!)
So, in conclusion, fuck China, sometimes yay America, and let's all remember the most important thing we learned during this Olympics:
Michael Phelps is a Nazi-killing, Baby-Saving Superhero.
The the 2012 Olympics in Rundon!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Come on John Edwards! Just Masturbate!

She's certainly a step up from Lewinsky.

This blog is a sequel to the blog of several months ago called "Come on Elliot Spitzer...Just Masturbate!" For more on how masturbation could save your life read that blog too.
ANYWAY, John Edwards..you are a dumb ass. Just a stupid stupid man....Man, am I happy I didn't vote for you for president. How ironic that the out of the three families vying for the democratic nomination, the only one that hasn't been torn apart by extra-marital affairs is the black family? Barack Obama...continuing to break down walls.
But, seriously COME ON EDWARDS! I get it, the wife had cancer, and no one likes cancer, especially the person who has it...did you think she was a goner Edwards? Is that why you did it? He thought, "its a victimless crime...she'll be dead soon?" I'm not sure...but I REALLY don't understand why you don't just masturbate! I don't get it! I know, I know, your hand is not a vagina, so go get one of your aides to buy you a nice 40 dollar fleshlight or pocket pussy.
Seriously though, I don't understand these politicians, the spitzers and edwards'. I mean , if Obama wins the election Edwards was favorite to be the attorney general! The man had an incredible career ahead of him and now it could all be over cause he was fucking some chick when his wife was possibly dying of cancer.
We all know Obama is a superhero (Hancock or Ali, or J from Men in Black, or that black dude he played in "Pursuit of Happyness") But, I truly believe if I wanted one politician to play Batman, I would've picked John Edwards...now I bet you he wishes he was more in Heath Ledger's position.
GUYS! God created hands to fit on penises for a reason! It's like cookies and milk, hand on penis just works!
You know, there are rumors he's got a love child too! AHHH! He has to learn from the greatest peruzer of all time, Bill Clinton...one word...BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! What a dumbass! I can get some of the things he did I really can. I'm not saying i condone it, but I understand it. He wanted something physical, he wanted to be with someone he didn't want to take care of someone...OK! OK! Got it. So, go out on a date with a girl, cuddle, do some heavy petting, maybe a blowjob, but you didn't need to fuck her! You didn't! You know what? I know this isn't 7th grade again, but Handjobs are better than nothing because you have put in no work, the gross domestic product is 100 percent (for all you economics wizards out there).

Guys, the simple solution is to Masturbate. John Edwards is rich...Very rich. Find some great websites that you enjoy, maybe some live web camming and chatting and go to town! If he did that, then maybe this situation would have never happened.

On a serious note. To Elizabeth Edwards, this poor poor woman. I hope she pulls a Hillary Clinton. Gets one hundred percent healthy and then sews that vagina shut! Just don't wear the pant suits. These people are not just adulterers, but also idiots! You could have been the leader of the free world! You could have changed millions of people's lives! But, you needed to get your dick wet.

All I can say is...the positive out of this whole thing...the thing John Edwards could look back on and say, "thank god I didn't do that", is that...well, she is not a hooker...and he took his black socks off during the sex.

Olympic coverage this week! (though I won't be watching it, due to my own distaste for the sudanese genocide, I don't hate all genocide just the sudanese cause we've done enough to the blacks, but we can talk about that another time)
UNTIL THEN!!! GET OFF MY BLOG AND GO MASTURBATE! or get kinky and masturbate to my blog! That's HOT!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Heil Obama (and black people)


Wow! Barack Obama has had quite a summer. He won the primary elections, he was in People Magazine with his children, and he starred in his hit autobiographical movie "Hancock", which has now grossed over 200 million dollars. But, not even his movie has been as big as his recent outing. Barack Obama has just got back from a trip to Europe. He visited, France, Israel, Jordan, Germany, and a couple other places I couldn't give a shit about. I gotta say, I think he finally convinced the Jewish people to vote for him on this trip. I mean, there is something about a person of power in Germany giving a speech to 200,000 screaming Germans that gives all the Jews around the world goosebumps. But, this trip has made me realize the importance of words, they can really bring people together...plus Obama is black...so I have an idea for reparations.
Barack Obama is against reparations, he says that reparations money could be used to put black kids through school and give them health care and other faggot shit like that, but I think I have a solution for what to do with reparations.
Currently, when somebody sneezes, most people say "God Bless You" But I really think that's inappropriate. You see, according to the latest polls only about 75 percent of Americans TRULY believe in a higher power. About another 15 percent are on the fence about it, and 10 percent are atheists, agnostics, heathens, sodomites, Baby Killers, rapists and Asians (ok, so the last 10 percent just are atheists, it doesn't mean they are bad people...just you know...will burn for all eternity).
ANYWAY, I find it a very uncomfortable endeavor to say to people I hardly know "god bless you" I mean, what if they don't believe in god! I don't want to impose my religion upon these people! That wouldn't be fair right!? I mean, we never do anything like that in America! Unless, it's about Abortion and how their lives are sacred according to the bible due to them having a soul...OH! and how, in court we swear an oath on the bible...and OH! and How some courts have the ten commandments up...OH and how gays can't get married...OH and how we have Christmas mangers in city hall lawns...well...I think sometimes maybe, kind of we don't impose our religions on other people...I mean, I don't (Jews are the chosen people, Jews are the chosen people, Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Tommy Pickles).
ALSO, for the people who are on the fence I don't want to confuse them by saying "God Bless You" to them, cause well...that's just rude.
So, at first I thought I had a solution...just say bless you..but that doesn't work...cause who's blessing you? I mean, i could be thinking "Satan bless you" or worse! "Bush bless you", you could fit anything in there! And if no one is blessing you, than what's the point? You could just tell someone to fuck off and it wouldn't make a difference. So, I just don't think it works! SO, I think for reparations we should change the god bless you reply to "Black people". So, I sneeze, and someone says to me heartily and happily "BLACK PEOPLE!" and I thank them and we continue on with our days.
NOW, if this works I want this phrase to become our hello and goodbye.
Like, the Hawaiians have Aloha, Hebrew has Shalom, and I know many other languages use the same word for hello and goodbye...I think ours should be "Black People" Just like how Heil Hitler was the hello and goodbye in Germany (where Obama spoke) so should black people be here. For instance, "Heil Hitler" used to be something people just threw into conversation back in Germany...here's an example of a conversation between a German Butcher and a customer.

Customer walks in

Customer: Heil Hitler
Butcher: Heil Hitler
Customer: What meat do you have today?
Butcher: Well, we seem to have some delicious pig just in, roast beef, lamb, Deer, Jew.
Customer: What was that last one?
Butcher: Deer?
Customer: Oh. Too bad I was looking for some Jew meat...so be it. Tell your wife I say hello. Heil Hitler.
Butcher: (happily) I will! Heil Hitler!

SEE HOW WELL THAT WORKED! I think it's the PERFECT reparations. That is how it should be with the phrase "black people" always immortalized with hello, goodbye and after sneezes.
There would need to be some changes to some great songs though. For instance the Beatles "Hello Goodbye" Would now be called "Black people, Black people"
NEW BEATLES CHORUS
"You say Black People, and I say Black people. Black people, Black people. I don't know why you say Black People, i say Black people"

The doors would have to change their songs to "Black people, I love you"
"Black people, I love you, won't you tell me your name. Black people, I love you, won't you jump in my game."

And of course, Outkast's Hey Ya would now be "Black people Ya"
"Black people Ya! oh oh, You think you got it, oh you think you've got it, but got it, just don't get it when there's feelings involved! BLAAACCCKKK PEOPLE YA!"

So, what do you all think? The perfect reparations for the blacks...it would make Obama happy and keep up with his trip to Germany!
So, in conclusion, I would just like to say Heil Myself, Heil Obama, and Heil Black People!

Talk to you all later!
Black People!
And as Jim Carrey once said in the truman show , "and if I don't see ya, Good Black People, Good Black People, and Good Black People"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I AM THE DANCING QUEEN!

With all the talk about "The Dark Knight" breaking records, people seem to forget about the other movie that broke records. EVEN I, forgot about "Mama Mia" making the most of any musical movie has ever! So, as an apology and tribute to Mama Mia...Here I am, honing all my skills to become...The Dancing Queen!
If someone can send this to Meryl it will be very appreciated.
Thank you,
David

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y7eXM7M1b0


UPDATE

The song is a hit! 100 views on youtube and I'm even being linked to other blogs! This one from an ex teacher of mine. Though I hope you enjoy her blog, I hope she doesn't read mine...she might realize the monster she's made.

http://whosvaguely.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A sample of my immaturity

This isn't as much of a blog as it is simply an example of my extreme immaturity that I thought you might all enjoy.
Today, I was walking through the "Gallery Place" (a mall in Philadelphia) when I heard the song "Hey There Delilah" By the plain white T's. It is certainly not one of my favorite songs, but I do find the song pleasant and pretty when in the mood. So, as I listen to the song, I realize that Delilah ALMOST rhymes with vagina. So, I decided to sing the song to myself, but swapping Delilah for Vagina.
So, I started singing, "Hey there Vagina, what's it like in New york City, I'm a thousand miles away, but tonight you look so pretty."(by this time I was laughing my ass off in the middle of the mall)
then,
"Hey there Vagina, don't you worry 'bout the distance,
I'm right here if you get lonely, give this song another listen.
Close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise."
At this point I'm almost on the floor, I belt out in this mall laughing "VAGINAS DON'T HAVE EYES!" Laughing so hard I fall onto a bench where I stay for about a minute.
Finally, I go into footlocker (my initial destination) the man said he saw me and said what was so funny...He seemed a decent fellow...young...so, I told him how HILARIOUS that Delilah song rhymes with vagina. He got angry, told me that was one of his favorite songs, and how I've just ruined it for him.
I apologized and left...
My immaturity isn't appreciated...
and if I ruined the song for you guys too...I'm sorry...
but I just think it's HYSTERICAL.
that's all

Sunday, July 20, 2008

500 hits! Al gore, Mohammed, death to cigarette smokers! This blog has everything!

I usually wait more than a day to write another blog, but I am just SO infuriated right now...I gotta say get something off my chest.
FUCK ALL YOU AL GORE HATERS! FUCK YOU ALL. I'm not saying Al Gore is perfect, I'm not saying his slideshow "Inconvenient Truth" got me to go out and save the fucking planet, to be honest, I'd settle for Captain Planet any day...but at least he's fucking trying, more than most of your asses are doing. All these haters say "Oh, he has a private jet, look at all the gas he's wasting to do this", or all he does is buy carbon coupons" WELL GUESS WHAT!? That's more than most of us do! He's promoting ways to stop global warming! Or do you think it isn't an issue that Penguins are freezing to death due to the north pole raining instead of snowing or Polar Bears resorting to cannibalism due to lack of food? I guess it doesn't matter to you fuckers since you can't eat penguins anyway (EXCEPT eskimos I guess). What the fuck have you been doing? Yes...Al Gore could be as boring as a "Geology for dummies" book and as tedious as trying to make salt move with your mind , but at least he's trying to do something helpful. 
All he's trying to say is, "HEY YOU! FUCKER WITH THE PLASTIC BAG FOR A CANDY BAR! SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? GO FUCK YOURSELF."
And how about cigarette smokers! I mean, do you know how to use a fucking trash can? Does it say on the pack "when done throw butt anywhere?" Everywhere I look...Cigarette butts, usually only feet from trash cans. When did it become socially acceptable to throw cigarette butts everywhere on this planet? Just because you've decided to kill yourselves slowly with an addiction doesn't mean I want your fucking papers and filters everywhere. USE A FUCKING TRASH CAN! I mean, everyone would complain if there were syringes on the ground, or if I were to just toss a piece of paper on the ground, what gives these fuckers immunity to just toss their trash anywhere. Fuck cigarette smokers. And cigarette butts aren't cute, or nice either, they smell, they are ugly, usually bland colors like beige and white...if we are going to insist on throwing cigarette butts on the ground let's at least get some natural colors to offset their ugly ass look. Or get some advertisements on it...I mean, why not...we are already selling adspace on blogs (look to your right, support the people in Berma if you'd like) and places as historic as museums...I went to the "Franklin Institute's presentation of the Star Wars Exhibit presented by Verizon" I mean, come on! So, why not this too huh? I swear to god, some places in Philly are like a picture you'd like to put up in your Office, but throw in the cigarette butts and it's only good enough for your guest bathroom. It just boggles my mind! I mean, sometimes cigarette smokers are just walking, and they'll just throw the cigarette down...WHY!? WHY!? You're already walking! You're going to get to a trash can VERY SOON! In Philly there is a trash can EVERY BLOCK! Can't you wait 3 more seconds! You're walking there anyway! Are you THAT BAD AT BASKETBALL? You can't even put a tiny thing inside a giant barrel...I'd hate to see you in bed...I'm sure you hear a lot of "oops wrong hole" comments and screams.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ONE CIGARETTE SMOKER WHO HAS EVER TOSSED HIS/HER'S BUTT ON THE STREET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AL GORE! NOT ONE CAUSE IF YOU ARE YOU'RE MORE HYPOCRITICAL THAN GREG HOUSE AT AN INTERVENTION.
This isn't looney tunes guys, where two cartoon animals get stuck in a cave, and they each look at the other, and the character turns into a chicken and they try and eat each other..this is real life, and If Al gore wants to help us out, well, fucking let him!

p.s. My blog has reached 500 "unique hits" in about 7 months, and about 800 regular hits in that time...Though I believe probably 499 of those are from my mother, I thank all of you for reading, not murdering me, or throwing me to the FBI. And to the people who constantly read my blog on facebook...thank you to you people too for not reporting my notes as "offensive to facebook."
Couple fun things about my blog and the 500 unique hits...2 were from Iran! IRAN! Two people from Iran have read my blog! I actually got a review in the Iranian Newspaper, "The Daily Achmadinijad"
"David Schwartzbaum (yes...he's a Jew but ignore that), though blasphemous and insulting toward the teachings of our holy q'uran and of Allah (peace be with his name) has the comedic timing of our own Maz Jobrani, with the style of the HYSTERICAL Omad Dijalili...(who have both been hanged by the our blessed president) Check out his blog, but only when you are not in our country, or else you'll be executed."
A pretty good review I think. ALSO, 7 people from the United Arab Emirates have read my blog! Which means, at least 9 Islamic people have read my blog...and to thanks them all (really...it's super cool). I'm going to show you all how in touch I am with you guys...and no, I'm not going to do what Obama did and dress up in a bathrobe (I bet you my brother loved that joke) but instead I'm going to do something better...Islamic readers, this is from me to you,
"Allashu Akbar
Ashbadu Allah Ilaaha illa-Lah
Ash Hadu Anna Muchamadar rasuulullah
Hayya alas Salaah"
Just a little Arab "Call to prayer" action that's all for you all!

So, that's a total of at least 9 middle eastern arabs who have read this Jew's blog...so you know what I'm thinking? We've tried everything else! Let's get these guys to come talk to me! Maybe through mean, bigoted humor we can solve the whole Middle East wars! Moses and Mohammed were great guys, but one thing you never hear someone say about them is "Mohammed told such funny jokes!" I think all we're missing is some humor (except for funny cartoon pictures of the great Mohhammed because then there's riots (not an over reaction AT ALL). So, what do you all think? Do you think, now with 500 "unique hits" I can bring about world peace? Or did I just in this blog insult 1.5 billion people in the world and more than likely have just got a Jihad placed on me (which I'm cool with, I'm pretty sure an ex girlfriend has one on me anyway).
But, I'll tell you one thing, Moses, Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ninjas, that rock you found in your driveway after you lost your virginity to your sister's little redheaded friend...whoever you believe in...that's cool with me and you know why? BECAUSE I BET YOU THEY THREW AWAY THEIR FUCKING CIGARETTES!
Thank you all for the reading, and may Allah smile upon you from his blessed prophet Mohammed.

(note from the editors of blogspot:
Though we find David to be a man with an interestingly schewed vision of the world, his opinions on Mohammed and other customs and traditions that make up the wonderful religion of Islam, that has given us things like mathematics, is in no way ours, so please...please... If he insulted you, don't blame us. We love Mohammed. A couple of the staff here at blogspot call Islam their religion, we even let them have some extra time off during the month of Ramadan cause we know they are fasting...so please...please...just..you know...if you're going to kill someone over this blog...just him. Also, just fyi, there were some racial comments about the Jews in this blog, but they were removed after we received death threats and lawsuits from Barbara Streisand and Steven Speilberg.
P.S. We also apologize for his Heath Ledger Blog...I mean, just really, really inappropriate)

Heath Ledger was awesome...can he take a couple jokes though?

I saw Dark Knight tonight...woof...people...it was a movie. The acting was superb, the writing and directing was fabulous and the special effects...orgasmic. Of course the stand-out of the movie was Vanilla Heath Bar Ledger Crunch who lived up to the hype and gave an incredible performance, and this blog is a tribute to the man, the myth, the accidental overdose victim...heath ledger.
Here's a couple original one-liners in memoriam of Heath Ledger.

(WARNING
These following jokes are mean and insensitive and show no care toward the sanctity of other people and death...because really...when it comes down to it...he's dead...so...why not?
PLUS. I mean, he WAS in Casanova...that is enough reason to be able to make fun of him a little) NO SPOILERS from the movie...don't worry...just mean mean jokes.

In response to Heath Ledger's passing, Prescription pill manufacturers are coming out with new pill bottles...one hundred percent Heath Ledger proof.

Sleeping pills are no longer going to have child-proof caps, instead they have come out with Heath Ledger proof caps...sadly they are a couple months too late.

(Those two were similar jokes, but don't know which one of these two was better, so put them both in.)

Heath Died at Ashley Olsen's house. It wasn't an accidental overdose, truth be told he did it because Ashley Olsen was making him watch Full House.

Heath Ledger got his breakthrough role with Julia stiles, "In ten things I hate about you." The only thing deader than Heath Ledger is Julia Stiles' career.

What did Heath Ledger say to his prescription pill bottles?
"I just can't quit you" (brokeback mountain)

God has taken two of the top Australian entertainers in the last two years...Heath Ledger, and Steve Irwin...so when is he going to take Mel Gibson?

I'd kill myself to if I had to fuck Michelle Williams.

Heath was waiting on a massage when he O'Ded...I guess that's not the happy ending he was probably expecting.

Heath Ledger is still alive!...Nah! I got ya! I'm such a JOKER

(THE MEAN HEATH LEDGER JOKES END NOW)

Well, hope you all enjoyed those. But, seriously, the movie was fabulous, and his performance was great....a very sad loss for the entertainment business
IN GREAT NEWS THOUGH! Andy Dick, that sausage sucking poo poo penis painter was arrested! Here's hoping he goes to prison and gets 3 holes ripped open in his ass 10 times bigger than the ones that Phil Hartman recieved in his head in Vengeance (not that i hold a grudge or anything). If you don't know why I hate Andy Dick...ask Jon Lovitz!

That's all for now...I hope you laughed a little, then realized what you were laughing at, got mad at yourself, then got mad at me! Now, if you excuse me...I have some Ambien, Zanax and Alcohol to mix together.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The top 5 groups I'd like to commit a genocide on


This is a simple blog. I've been in a murderous mood lately, so I decided to think about who are the top 5 groups of people I'd like to commit genocide against to cut down on the world's population. The rules are simple...I can have any reason to commit genocide...One rule...can't do it to Jews because they've already had one and Black people cause they have and continue to go through sooo MANY.

5. Homeless people- I'd like to kill ALL homeless people. What do they do either than beg for change, piss in public and call me "big guy" whenever I don't give them change. I don't appreciate a homeless man commenting on my weight! He's homeless! I don't say to him, "hey smelly, hey dirty, hey diseased, here's some change!" Fucking ass holes. Homeless people are the cum stain on the otherwise beautiful bare chested picture of Earth. Also, don't think I'm mincing words...all homeless people! Drug addicts, mentally unfit ones, and ones that just went into bad luck. And how do we kill them off? Well, simple. We put all of them into a state...I'm thinking Montana, fence it off, parachute in knives and an enormous amount of drugs, film it and watch them slowly kill themselves and each other off! It will be as dirty fun as Cops, as "edgy" as Intervention...I'm sure Fox will stick it in right between "America's dancing talent stars who can dance Idol" and "House".

4. President Bush approvers - President W. Bush has an approval rating of 28 percent...lowest in history...some people think that's funny, but I think it's SCARY! There is still over a fourth of the country that likes these guys! These people MUST die. I mean, seriously? This president has left us more fucked than a deaf, blind, mute kid auditioning for the school band! Now, I don't mind the people who are like, " well. he tried...blah blah blah" I'm talking about the APPROVERS! The people who ACTUALLY said in these polls that they APPROVE the president. AND WHERE ARE THESE APPROVERS!? I'm not sure they exist! I've never met someone who was like, "oh yeah I approve of dubya's policies" since 2004! The way we'd kill off all these people is simple...ship them to Guantanamo...make them all get naked and build naked pyramids...make them blow some arab people's cocks, water board them, and finally kill them off some good ol' fashion texas food. OF COURSE this would also all be televised because it would simply be too gruesome, bloody and disgusting to not be televised...except for the blowjobs part...that's obviously inappropriate ( sexuality...grrr) and will not be on tv...but the water boarding yes...because we got to protect our children from the evils of sex.

3. Annoying atheists - YES! ANNOYING ATHEISTS! Believe it or not, I believe in god! I believe in a higher power AND I believe in science! AHHHH! BLASPHEMY!!! I believe in god and do not condemn any other people (except in this blog) for believing in other religions or no religions! So, I don't want to hear your shit about how "religion has destroyed the human race." Fuck you. Fuck you. There is nothing wrong with being an Atheist, just like there is nothing wrong with being a Catholic, Buddhist Arab, Jew, Shintoist, and whatever as long as YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT AND DON'T TRY TO BRING PEOPLE OVER TO YOUR SIDE. Darth vader would have never died if he wasn't so set on bringing luke over toe the dark side! You annoying atheists are just as bad as the crazy catholic preachers! It's all motherfucking conspiracy! Religion did this! Religion made this up! Religion made you do that! Religion is the cause for all the wars in the world! Mel gibson said the same thing about the Jews when he was piss drunk! Well, I say, fuck you...I say god did it. Go fuck yourself. AND whenever there is like a new discovery, a new fucking animal is found in a hole in some forest in Kandahar, it's ALWAYS a sign that there is no god! Why? Because we found a new species of animal? Oh yeah! And you say that the smarter the human race gets the more we cling to our books, well again...fuck you! I don't cling to any fucking book! If i clang to anything it would be your mother's sweet sweet ass hole...well I wouldn't actually...anal sex is a sin...unless you use holy water to lubricate. And If I do cling to a book, that's cool too! I'm Jewish we are the "people of the book." If it's stupid to think that this life has a deeper purpose that we don't understand then I guess I must be one of the 28 percent who approve of George W Bush's policies. AND just like I'd like to kill all the annoying atheists, I'd love to kill all the obnoxious religious people who stand on sidewalks and preach to me as if I'm somehow going to stop my brisk walk to hear how if I don't believe in Jesus I'll burn for all eternity. If a result of not having to listen to you spit and scream in my ear about satan means my soul will burn in eternal hellfire...I'm willing to risk it to not hear your bullshit. You believe in god? You don't? That's great! Keep it to your fucking self! When we die, I'll either meet you up in heaven with a "Fuck you I was right" atheists! Or it won't fucking matter cause I won't know shit! CAUSE I'LL BE FUCKING DEAD SO STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT!
Now, how would we kill these blasphemous preachers? Well, simple...Jihad...Holy war.

2. Joggers. Don't like Joggers. They totally think they are better than us! In their metaphoric walking thrones of gold, jogging with their little headphones in ignoring the world, sweating, losing wait, mocking me with their toned running bodies. I haven't run since my bar mitzvah when I was being introduced at the party. And have you noticed that the water Joggers drink always looks so much better than the water you're drinking? You always want to know where they get their water but you can't stop them because they are fucking jogging! And then they get to the fucking corner light and instead of stopping at the red they begin to jog in place! Oh come on! Fuck you! The light says stop you ass holes!
Now, there is one exception to the rule...hot joggers, and especially joggers with big titties stay living, because sometimes you're driving or walking and are just in a bad mood and next thing you know there are two sweaty bouncing titties, in front of your face. It's almost like the woman is riding you cowboy style and you're just watching her boobies go up and down, up and down, UP and DOWN (sorry got distraceted) in front of you. It can make a bad day turn great for a minute. And nowadays we have all these tvs in cars (I'd kill the people with more than one tv in a car too) but there is no need for them! You see, because the entertainment is outside by the big titted joggers...one rule though for the big titted joggers, to live...and to jog...no sports bras. Also, you can stay if you have small boobs but a NICE ASS.
How would we kill them? Simple tie them up, so they can't jog, feed them donuts, and pizza, and bagels non stop, blend that stuff up and feed them until they die of ultimate obesity! MWAHAHAHA.

(HONORABLE MENTIONS)

People who watch both Oprah and Dr. Phil.
People who just watch Dr. Phil
People who buy books because Oprah told them to do so.
People who can name the names of Britney Spears' kids.
People who call Kevin Federline K-Fed.
People who say they "love" a band or singer when really only knowing like 3 songs. "Oh yeah! I love Michael Jackson, Billy Jean and Thriller are such good songs!" AND??????
People who wear Shirts that they can't live up to. (Saw a girl wearing a ramones shirt. It had the names of all the ramones on it...Joey, Johnny, Dee, Dee, and Marky. I say to the girl, you're wearing a Ramones Shirt? Name me one of the members of the ramones. She had no idea...it's on your shirt!" If you wear a shirt that says "party naked" you better fucking party naked (Suzanna)
People who pour chips into a bowl to eat UNLESS serving it to a group of more than 4 people.
People who give poor people food stamps instead of money. (Actual food is ok)
People who don't think polar bears are cute.
People who show up (purposely) an hour late to sports games
People (who are over 7) that make fake fart noises after a joke or in an awkward situation
People who "cock knock other people for no good reason"
People who throw away newspapers.
People who buy a 5 dollar starbucks coffee EVERY MORNING.
People who still think O.J. was innocent
People who make bad knock knock jokes to little kids.
People who eat at Mcdonald's as a full meal more than twice a week.
People that wear tanktops when not playing outdoors (just as a shirt) Wear a t-shirt or neither...pick a side.
People who still believe global warming is a myth.
People who laugh at Dane Cook's jokes.
People who think ALL babies are cute!
AND FINALLY,
People who have a baby girl and dress them in a neutral color like yellow or a light blue and then get angry when I tell them oh what a beautiful boy you have! All babies look like one gender! If you don't want me to call your boy a girl, or your girl a boy! Put them in pink or blue! Or else your at risk and don't get fucking offended! BOY - BLUE. GIRL - PINK! Don't like it? Then fucking put a tag on him that says "hi my name is BOY"

AND THE NUMBER ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO BRUTALLY MURDER....!!!!

1. People who still wave the confederate flag. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!? COME ON! Seriously? I mean, forget that the flag is bigotted and frankly symbolizes a ton of evil in this world...but you lost thew fucking war! You don't see NAZI flags being flown in Germany or English flags being flown in towns in America! You lost the fucking war! I don't see any Ottomans flying the Ottoman empire flag in Austria right now do you? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT SORE LOSERS! THEY LOST! The confederates lost! The blacks were set free! Get rid of the fucking flags. You people say, "it's part of our history" Oh...bigotry is part of our history? Yeah. We know! That's why we still have 15 percent of the population who wouldn't vote for a black guy for president, but would go spend 10 bucks to watch Will smith play a drunk superhero! God dammit! The confederate flag stands for EVERYTHING BAD! It would be exactly the same as me hanging a flag of me whipping a black man on a plantation. That is what it symbolizes! I mean, for god sakes guys, Jesse Helms died! He died! Let's end this bullshit of the "confederate flag is history" So is the muder and rape of millions of Indians by Americans but we're not promoting that with a flag of columbus anally raping an indian with his feather hat! It's racist! It calls up a bloody, disgusting time. It insults people...AND YOU LOST THE FUCKING WAR! THe fucking lakers weren't running around with their fucking flag after the celtics won the championship! That would be stupid...and just dickish.
How would we kill these people? Well, i bet you about 90 percent will be dead after we kill the president Bush approvers, but the rest...hahaha. Slave labor! AND to black people! AND they work in factories that make hair weaves, root cream, and watermelons! And finally they die by burning so that when they die they can meet their maker BLACKER than the people they continue to belittle!

AWWW! I feel SOOO much better. Hope you guys do to after that. Murder always puts a smile on my face.
Well, hope you enjoyed my blog, cause if you didn't...I just might have to kill you too! HA HA HA HA HA...no seriously...