Thursday, June 7, 2012

MIller Lite Punch Top Cans are SUPER DUPER GROSS!

New article I wrote for HipsterJew.com about the Miller Lite Punch Top Cans! Click to read it!

http://hipsterjew.com/2012/06/the-new-miller-lite-punch-top-can-is-gross-super-duper-gross/

Friday, August 19, 2011

Hands Off Our Cocks!

An Article I wrote for the wonderful HipsterJew.com, go check them out!

Hands off our cocks!

San Francisco made waves about a month ago trying to ban circumcision. It doesn’t seem like the bill is going to go to vote, but there are rumors that a few other cities might try to write their own similar bills. So, I’ve made all you Jews and pro-circumcisers out there a little cheat sheet just in case a bill like this ever does go to a vote. Here is how you can answer some of the tougher arguments against circumcision. Enjoy!

Argument: The foreskin has 5000 more nerve endings on it than an uncircumcised penis tip, making sex much more pleasurable.
Rebuttal: Yeah. That’s what I need, to be quicker in bed.

Argument: It’s genital mutilation!
Rebuttal: It’s genital indoctrination (I’m very proud of myself for this one.).

Argument: God doesn’t make mistakes.
Rebuttal: Really? Have you ever seen the entire continent of Africa? What about the tar pits, or the entire CBS Monday Night Comedy line up? “Big Bang Theory “ into “Two and a Half Men”, into “Mike and Molly”? SOMEONE’S got to apologize for that monstrosity.

Argument: The man has the right to decide whether he wants the surgery.
Rebuttal: A man will never be old enough or mature enough to make a rational decision about his penis. Come on! Do you know all the terrible decisions I’ve made because of my penis? I once thought it would feel really good to fuck an entire jar of Vick’s Vapo rub ( it didn’t) The same penis and man who spent two hours scraping Vick’s vapo rub off his swollen penis would have to consent to snipping a piece of it off? No…won’t happen…ever…

Arguement: The Catholic Church actually banned circumcision at the council of Florence in the mid 1400’s.
Rebuttal: That just makes me want to do it more!

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision can lead to anxiety and depression
Rebuttal: Look at the Jewish people…it now all makes sense…

Argument: Some studies show that circumcision might lead to mental disabilities:
Rebuttal: Oh. I’m sorry…I was too busy being retarded to understand this statement.

Argument: Some studies show that due to the pain, circumcision disrupts the infant-mother bond at a dangerously early age.
Rebuttal: Oh yeah…If there’s one problem Jewish men have it’s not having a close enough relationship with their mothers. Speaking of that…mom I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy. I’ll call you right when I’m done with this column.

Argument: Cleaning your foreskin is as easy as cleaning your belly button
Rebuttal: Wait! People clean their belly buttons? Shit.

Final Comment:
So there you have it! Thanks to circumcision us Jews are depressed and anxious godless retards who hate our mothers and don’t enjoy sex…

Wait…that doesn’t sound too far off from me…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Probably Everyone Who Ever Lived Was Definitely Anti-Semetic

I was surfing the web the other day when I came across an article titled "Was Shakespeare Anti-Semetic?". Now, I did not read the article (knowing the truth about things makes it harder to make fun of them) but the truth is, I really saw no reason to read it. Why? Becuase I already knew the answer to the question. Was Shakespeare Anti-Semetic? OF COURSE SHAKESPEARE WAS ANTI-SEMETIC

How could he not be!? Almost everyone in Victorian Europe was at least a little bit! You know how even the least prejudiced person you know locks their doors when a grungy looking black man walks by their car? Well, no matter how progressive you were in the 1600's, I promise you, when a Jew strolled by you kept your wallet close.

Whether because of good ol' fashioned racism or just ignorance and lack of knowledge about Jews, Shakespeare and everyone else living at the time was anti-semetic. Is "Merchan Of Venice" an Anti-Semetic play? OH YEAH! Has this play done irrevocable harm to Jews, stereotyping us and probably leading to some beating over the last 400 years?...most definitely! But, so what? We all still read Shakespeare's plays. I've read almost all of Shakespeare's plays. He's a great talent. I respect his writing immensely and I have no problem with him being anti-Semetic, and you shouldn't either.

It's time to move away from this whole "Well, this guy 200 years ago was anti-Semetic" type of talk. Because, quite simply, EVERYONE was anti-Semetic. EVERYONE. It's not fair to judge people work based on that anymore. I'll give you an example. Here are just some of the companies that profited off Jewish Slave labor in the Nazi death camps. Kodak, IBM, Volkswagen, Hugo Boss (actually willingly joined the Nazi Party himself) Bayer, Ford, Chase Bank, Siemens...and the list goes on and on. Should we never sleep on a Siemens mattress again? Should I never take a Kodak picture of myself masturbating with an IBM computer into a Hugo Boss handkerchief while sitting in a volkswaggen making an electronic deposit into my Chase Bank account? Of course not! That would be silly! Because in 1940 EVERYONE was anti-semetic.

I'm not saying the Holocaust doesn't matter. Of course it does! And I'm not saying we shouldn't hate Anti-Semites. Hate Shakespeare. Hate the CEO of Kodak during the Holocaust! Frankly, I hope that all the people who ran these companies 70 years ago are being punished in some sort of Jewish equivalent of hell (a basketball court?), but who cares right now? Forget about those old dead anti-Semites. Let's deal with the NEW anti-Semites; those are the ones that matter. Let's accept that Shakespeare was an anti-Semite. Let's accept that Walt Disney was a rabid anti-Semite. That Mercedes produced custom engines that personally incinerated Jews in the death camps and that siemens wanted to trademark "Zyklon B", and that Hitler himself named the Volkswagen Beetle, because their current products have nothing to do with that sordid history.

It's time for us Jews to not be shocked anymore is someone is anti-Semetic. It's time for us to just assume that EVERYONE is anti-Semetic ALWAYS. In fact, I'm surprised when people AREN'T anti-Semetic. History tells us it's actually pretty normal. The weird people are the ones that like the Jews! It should not shock us anymore when Helen Thomas says anti-Semetic crap; it shouldn't surprise us when Glenlivet no longer wants to sell to Israel; it should no longer astonish us when Desmond Tutu opens his big fat mouth. Let's simply accept this inevitable truth...that everyone in the world who ever lives is probably, at least a little, definitely, absolutely anti-Semetic, and move on as a stronger, less insane people.
And if you're a non-Jew reading this blog...OH! I'm sure YOU are one of the few that aren't anti-Semetic....right.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

G-d Is St-p-d

Spent a lot of time writing this article for a website. It didn't make the cut...a little too offensive.
Thought you'd all enjoy it though.

Since I was a little (Jewish) kid, I was told that when we write the word God on a piece we must put a dash through the word. This always seemed...well...stupid. I was taught that we do that in order to not say God's name in vain, and as a sign of respect toward God. Paper gets thrown away and we don't want to throw God and his name away right!? Wrong!

My God (or our God, what is your own personal preference), the godly God of the Jews, who is not the god of other gods, doesnt have an English name. The term "god" is used for all different purposes, which I cleverly showed on the line above (that's what two years of art school education gets you!). So, the fact that we put a dash through this secular definition for the word God is just plain dumb, irritating, and yup...you guessed it...stupid. I've done a little research (mostly Wikipedia, with a bit of Askmoses.com thrown in there) and it seems to me that no one is one hundred percent sure where the word God comes from. Some say it comes from the English word for good: take out an "O" and boom! -- you've got God. The Christians like this definition because they they say God is good, they REALLY mean it. Those Christians are so clever! They must have gone to the same arts conservatory I went to!

Others believe the word God is an ancient Sanskrit writing with Hindu origins that has evolved over the ages into what we say now. But wait. WAIT! Could it be that the Hindus who pray to the creepy blue Doctor Octopus guy with the glitter on his forehead and the elephant and the magic goat who shoots out lasers out of his teeth (is that last one made up? seems plausible...) made up the word that we hold to such high standards? That's right! It's possible that the pagans made up this word we so highly esteem. The word we respect so much that we take out the O like we're on some holy game of Wheel of Fortune. Can I please just buy a vowel?

No other religion knocks the vowels out of a word for God like we do. If a suicide bombers write a final letter, he's not going to sign it "-ll-h -qbar," and I've never seen a Christian call their messiah J-s-s Ch-st. You know why? Cause it's F-ck-ng r-t-rd-d. I think if we're going to replace vowels with dashes then we need to go big or go home. We'd have to start doing it for all holy words and phrases like S-dd-r and K-pp-h and "H-ppy H--r."

At the end of the day though, it's about respect. The Jews like to constantly show their respect and devotion to God. It's why some cover their heads with Kippahs, why some wear Tzit-Tzit and why most of us pretend to like watching incredibly long and sad Holocaust movies. For me using the dash is to respect the fact that other find this word to be holy. That's why this weekend I plan on seeing "J-st-n B--b-r: Never Say Never"".

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm Back and better than nothing!

Hello loyal followers!

It has been a while, but I'm back!
It's been a long time, but my new years resolution is to get my blog back on track!

Expect a blog about every week just like the old days now!

I know, I know, you are all licking your chops, so here are some things I've done over the last few months to satiate you all until next week.

I was hired to write for a website called Gatherthejews.com, check out my first blog with them. It's a little happy and goddy and Jewy, but it's interesting.
http://www.gatherthejews.com/2011/01/take-my-word-for-it-im-a-jewish-comedian/

If your more in the mood for stupid/ mean sketches with a mean political opinion, check these out:

A sketch called "Abortion"...can you guess what it's about?



One more sketch called "Prom Date" -


I will begin posting performance dates, other blogs I write for other websites on here and my own rants and ramblings. Don't worry...this will not become a tumblr where I post quotes by people who have been dead 500 years that none of us care about and ask you what you think of me anonymously (the fun of insulting people is doing it to their face).

See you all next week!
Enjoy the sketches! See you all next wee

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Mosques and The City

That's it people! I'm fed up with the Islamic radicals! First they create Algebra, then they take away boxing from the White Man (I'm looking at you Mohamed Ali) and now they want to build a mosque two blocks from ground zero? How dare these group of liberal fundamentalists pray freely in New York City! How dare they build a mosque only 2 blocks from ground zero? Don't they know a dozen crazy fundamentalists from their same religion crashed planes into the twin towers on ground zero? It's why it's called ground zero! It's obvious that these Muslims want to build this mosque near ground zero so they can continue their radical Islamic agenda!
So by this logic, it means that anyone who is part of a religion absolutely believes everything the most radical people in the religion believe...It's just deductive reasoning man!

For Instance, I'm Jewish. Currently there is a tiny minority of Orthodox Jews in Israel who are upset about having Sefardic people (Jews of Iranian Peninsula descent, not eastern European) in their schools. Well, since I'm Jewish, it is obvious that I agree with this bigoted sentiment. I mean come on, we can't have some greasy, smelly, mustached Greeks smelling up our wonderful Russian, full-bearded schools?
The Catholic church continues to do very little about pedophilia in the church, so it is obvious all my Catholic friends condone pedophilia (It's why they are friends with me).

So, these fundamentalists want to build, not just a mosque but a COMMUNITY CENTER, 2 blocks from the world trade Center. This makes matters much worse! This community center will be 12 stories high and have evil, offensive things such as a swimming pool, fitness center and...GASP...a basketball court! Last thing we need is Muslims infiltrating the NBA! What will they do about their burkas? The NBA has a very strict policy on head gear! There will be classrooms in the center for Islamic AND secular learning, and then in this 12 story behemoth...there will be the mosque, LOOMING 12 stories high over all of New York's tiny, minuscule skyline. Terrifying, I know.

But I think there's a point to be made here. We need to be tolerant to people's feelings, 9/11 was a tragedy it affected many people, so maybe a mosque is not the right thing so close to the towers. At the end of the day, it WAS the people of the SAME religion.

So, I want to ask the YMCA of Manhattan, which is only ten blocks from the JCC of Manhattan to please move. As a Jew, you Catholics murdered millions of my people in the 17th century and expelled them from your countries. Hitler was raised Catholic and once said, "The National Government regards Catholicism and Protestantism as factors essential to the soul of the German people." Also, my grandfather has told me horror stories, of bigotry and Christians beating Jews in New York no more than 50 years ago, I'd appreciate if you didn't build any religious institutions on those blood-stained streets too. To the dozen or so protestant churches within a one mile radius of the JCC I google mapped...bbye...It hurts too much to see your churches close to a religious site of mine when I know one of your kind was Hitler. It doesn't stop here people! To the Lutheran Church 8 blocks away, Martin Luther was a rabed Anti-Semite whose writings led to Millions of Jews dying, please move, I'm very sensitive... and to the Eastern Orthadox Church a little over a mile away...seriously? Have you guys seen Fiddler on the Roof? Get the fuck away! White people...New York was one of the centers of the civil rights movements, Tens of thousands of African Americans were beaten and killed only 40-50 years ago in the streets of New York, so us white people shouldn't be allowed to build an Applebee's anywhere in New York! I could go on and on!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "David. Come on. None of this stuff happened recently and these synagogues are not being built right next to a place where a tragedy happened", but that's the thing...A tragedy did happen there...but it is not a religious tragedy. They didn't crash the planes into the towers because everyone in the towers were Christian or Jewish or Buddhist, they did it because we were American. Because we believe in freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, and can see a woman's boobies in a wife beater by just stepping outside on a warm day. To not allow these people to build their mosque would only let the scumbags who blew up the towers win. I am an American dammit, and sure that means I'm fat, lazy, and terrible at math, but god dammit I'm going to let you preach whatever you want to preach, unless it's those fucking Unitarian Universalists...pick a side people!

Ok...enough of this opinionated/ serious shit...got to go back to the regular scheduled programming...
Lindsay Lohan's in prison! She is in prison because of alcohol and drug abuse, you might say she's there now because she was too often "Herbie: Fully Loaded", hope she doesn't run into a couple "Mean Girls" in prison or she just might be yelling "I know Who Killed me!"
Oh yes...much better.
Let them build the fucking mosque god dammit!

Monday, May 31, 2010

American Dreamsicle: The Sketch Revue Show!


If you're in the Philadelphia area, we've got a show that I'm producing/ acting/ and helped wrote.

Here's the information.




Off-Color Theatre Company presents Color-By-Numbers, its new sketch troupe's, inaugural show "American Dreamsicle".

What’s the American Dream to you? Is it having the freedom to elect a black president? Is it the freedom to own an Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, and Imac, even though the country is in a 3 trillion dollar debt? Or is it simply the freedom to enjoy two pieces of cheese and two pieces of bacon, sandwiched between two pieces of chicken? “The American Dreamsicle: A Sketch Revue Show” explores the American dream through America’s greatest resource, it’s people. From ordinary American families, to your average working pants salesman, and even to Lee Greenwood himself, this show will make you proud to be an American, or at least make you a little less upset about the whole oil spill thing. "

Cast:
Andrew Tardif
David Schwartzbaum
Greg Nix
Lyndsay Hart
Nick Fragale
Sarah Cowdery

Director
Mark Jesse Swanson

Stage Manager
Anya Anthony

What is Color-By Numbers?

Color-By-Numbers is Off-Color Theatre Company’s official sketch troupe. They perform themed sketch revues all over Philadelphia. Each performance is uniquely different, linked together through a common theme and packed with all different types of humor like satire, musical, toilet humor, and the occasional awkward glance. Sketches are changed and replaced often based on the audience’s reaction, so no show is ever the same. If you don’t enjoy Off-Color’s show, we won’t give you your money back, but we’ll be sure to apologize for wasting your time.

Come check out this show! Only ten dollars!



This show is presented by Off-Color Theatre Company, for more information, become a fan
http://www.facebook.com/#!/OffColorTheatreCompany?ref=ts
or email us at
offcolortheatrecompany@gmail.com

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hello. Our name is humanity, and we are sex addicts

Hello. My name is David Schwartzbaum and I am a sex addict. I admit it. I like sex, no...no...I love sex. It...god this is hard...wow....Sex...it might be my favorite thing to do in the world. I could not imagine a world where sex was taken from me...ok...I promised myself I wouldn't cry. You see, ever since I was a little boy, I've had this urge...I can't explain it, but it's almost like it is a NATURAL impulse and instinct deep inside me that makes me want sex. It's bad though guys. Cause it's not just the physical act of having sex I like so much...but...but...it's thinking about it too. I think about it all the time! Whenever I see a beautiful woman my brain thinks, "sex". Whenever I go to a party, "sex". Whenever I'm having sex, "sex." I can't help it! I'm completely dependant on sex!
Wait. Wait a second? You guys are all too? You mean, all you men need sex too? Wait! You women also like sex? It decides the way you talk to people? You repress sexual feelings toward people too because of societal barriers? Oh my god! It's almost like we are animals like a rabbit or a lion or every other fucking animal on the planet, and that we are driven by the biological urge to produce future generations of ourselves!
You know...if someone needs a shot of whiskey a day to get by, most people would consider him an alcoholic, but I know plenty of men, who masturbate once a day and no one calls them a sex addict...If you knew someone who every 7 seconds thought about cocaine, you'd consider them a cocaine addict...BUT it's a known fact the men think about something sexual every few seconds...are all men sex addicts? Must be.
We, as human beings, try to suppress our addiction to sex but it seems to be a hopeless cause. We wear clothes to hide our flesh, we write books that tell us sex is "original sin", and we keep ourselves busy through work and family so we don't always think about sex. We marry one person so that we can have sex and not be judged, but none of it seems to work! Maybe we are all hopeless! Or wait! Wait! I've got a crazy idea! Maybe no one is a sex addict. Maybe we are all human beings, all part of the animal kingdom, and one of the basic proponents of life is procreation, and just maybe, MAYBE (close your ears Catholicism, islam and prude Jews) that sex is a GOOD thing. Maybe, just maybe it's the best thing (I could feel my soul burning right now). Maybe it's the thing that connects people and the thing that keeps us going! It has been proven sex is healthy for you, it gets blood pumping, hormones flowing, makes depressed people happy, is good exercise, and even feels really fucking good, and maybe it's the thing that keeps us going as a race! So, are we all sex addicts? Or are we all just human?
Ok. So we admit that we are all either sex addicts or that none of us are sex addicts. Where does that leave Tiger Woods, or David Duchovny, or Jesse James, or anyone else who is a "sex addict" and has been to Sexual rehab. I'm certainly not in the same category as them! You might call me someone who thinks about sex a lot, but Tiger bailed on his super model Swedish wife, and Jesse James bailed on Sandra Bullock, and I don't know if you saw "speed" but Sandra, still at 46, gets my engines revved past 60 whenever I see her and mmm mmm mmm...did you see her in the Blindside? With that blonde hair? I would have run an I-formation all over that ass. So, what are Tiger and the rest if they are not like the rest of us sex addicts? Simple...THEY ARE FUCKING ASS HOLES. That's it!
Sure. We're humans, we're animals we NEED sex, but we also need to not be total pricks and destroy other people's lives and our families. Maybe their wives weren't giving it to them, but then as I've said to Elliot Spitzer and others in these blogs, just jack off! It's not worth it! Jacking off is like pasta. It's not glamorous, it's not the best, but god dammit it's cheap and convenient, it'll satiate you and making it isn't going to burn your fucking house down! And Jesse James, what the hell were you thinking? That tattooed "tits mcgee" girl? Forget STD's worry about whether or not you're going to get Tetanus from all those needles! Maybe ink poisoning. His mistress has more toxic chemicals in her than faulty Chinese toys. Come on! Come on! These guys aren't sex addicts they are just stupid fucking ass holes...you know how I know? because there is no such thing as sex addiction...ZERO...NONE...because we all love sex! We all need sex! But, there is such thing as being a piece of shit...and that I cannot tolerate.
So, to all humanity out there to, all the sex addicts, fuck who you want, just don't be an ass hole about it and if you are an ass hole and you get caught...man up. Don't make up some fucking disease. Now, if you excuse me....this blog has got me thinking about Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock, in a movie starring me called "Hole in one from the Backside".

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fuck the mayans and their 2012 bullshit

WHO THE FUCK ARE THE MAYANS AND WHY THE HELL DO WE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM!? Yeah you heard me. Fuck them. Why in the shit do we care about what the Mayans think? The Mayans existed thousands of years ago, at that time they still killed babies to appease the gods, thought that bathing in blood purified you, AND lived in Mexico and yet their calendar out of all the other calendars is the correct one!
If you don't know what I'm yelling about now you aren't one of the millions of people who believe the world is ending in 2012, or one of the people who saw the masterpiece film "2012" which made over 300 million dollars and is the number one dvd purchase in America (until the classic "twilight" franchise takes over this week), I'm yelling about the whole conspiracy that the world is going to end in 2012 because the Mayan calendar runs out in 2012.
That's so weird...you mean the calendar of a civilization that hasn't updated their calendar in a thousand years cause they've been EXTINCT is running out? So weird...I always thought things just miraculously updated themselves, at least my Iphone does that. Let me give you a little sketch about how the Mayan Calendar decided to stop at 2012.

Take you back to about 50AD, the place is the yucatan. Two mayans, a stone carver and a mathemitician sit outside. (they are speaking in Zapotec, but I translated for you.)

Kee-Haw - Hey Ixx-Nap

Ixx-Nap - Yes Kee-Haw

Kee-Haw - I'm out of stone for the calendar. I've put thousands of hieroglyphs on these stones, but I'm out of stones.

Ixx-Nap - What year did you get up to? (they didn't have question marks or interrogative statements back then but I'm translating)

Kee-Haw 2012

Ixx-Nap - Oh that's fine. We'll be long gone by then and and civilization will have evolved. This calendar will be obsolete...unless you're retarded. (they did have a word for retarded though)

you see people, we don't use anything the Mayans invented. We don't use their language system, religion, math system, farming system, NOTHING. SO, WHY IN THE FUCK DO WE CARE ABOUT THEIR CALENDAR!?
Who cares about how smart these people were 2000 years ago. Just 100 years ago people were putting eggs in their hair to use as gel, only 15 years ago Tom Green was the most successful comedian in the country! Past history sucks!
Now, I know, we love apocalypse stories. It's why the scriptures are so popular, it's the ultimate 2012 story. Fire and demons and another super bowl halftime show by tom petty (scary I know).

But this is what I implore you. Forget about the dead pointless Mayans who murdered babies and virgins and built a calendar. Their calendar is as pointless as ours will most likely be in 2000 years (plus our calendar makes no fucking sense...28 days in february? Why? Fuck you leap year). Let's focus on the present. There are still some societies killing children and women in the name of god, and the Chinese still draw pictures instead of using real letters to write. WAKE UP RED CHINA THIS IS 2010 not 210!

What I'm saying is, the Mayans are a pointless, extinct culture, so fuck them and fuck their beliefs and their calendar, and if you're one of those stupid people who believe that the Mayans knew when the world was going to end then...fuck you too.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Saints Won, so God won

The Saints win the Super Bowl! The Saints win the super bowl! 81 percent of America thought the Colts were going to win the game yesterday, but I was 100 percent sure the Saints were going to win because my bookie has been right 100 percent of the time throughout all eternity...of course I'm talking about god!
Welcome back people to one of my most popular/reoccurring blogs! God has a lot of things on his plate right now, Haiti is a mess, the global financial system is falling apart, genocides all over the place, I'm going through a bit of a dry spell, but that doesn't mean he doesn't take the time out to make sure his favorite sports/entertainment teams win! Don't believe me? Check out past blogs and see how it all fits into god's plan.
Kris Allen won so God won, The Patriots lost, so God Won, The Celtics won, so god won, and the original The Giants won, so God won
Now, that I'm done plugging previous work, let's get down to business.
It is OBVIOUS to anyone who knows god personally like I and Pat Robertson do, that God wanted the Saints to win the super bowl, and I'm going to give you three reasons why I KNEW, thorugh my very (unreal) real personal relationship with god that the Saints would come out victorious.

1. Katrina/ Evangelicals
Now, I'm not talking about the hurricane specifically. I know there's sport fans who are yelling redemption because this team lifted their spirits after the hurricane, I'm too cynical to think like that. No no no. You see, after Katrina, many evangelicals, including Pat Robertson publicly condemned New Orleans, he reminded the American people that New Orleans and Louisiana has abortion legalized, and that "Katrina is proof that judgment of America has begun". Wow, deep burn there huh? Judgement of America has begun? What has god been doing the last 300 years during the dust bowl, famine, civil war, world wars, lack of civil rights and all the other natural disasters that hit America? No judging there? Just this one? I think Pat is just getting picky. Yes, after God, in all his mighty wisdom, smashed Hurricane Katrina into Lousiana, Pat Robertson and other evangelicals such as Ted Haggard needed to show up, drop their pants and piss on the rubble. That angered god. You know, the guy has to fill a certain quota of dead people and natural disasters to keep the balance of the planet going and the short straw fell on New Orleans, it was nothing personal, just business, but many right wing christians had to make it personal, and truthfully, according to god, he was upset that the U.S. government didn't respond better and quicker to the disaster (he does like to blame the humans a lot). So, god was upset, he doesn't like when people speak in his name, third commandment, and has been trying to find a way to make up for it. God can also be a little spiteful sometimes, ask Moses, (I mean COME ON HE HIT A FUCKING ROCK LET HIM GO INTO ISRAEL DAMMIT! (Sorry god, I know you had a good reason in your infinite wisdom but...COME ON)) God likes nothing more than a good football game, I always say, you think it's just coincidence that each football team has several prayer circles each game? They know it works, and could you imagine the T.V. reception god gets in heaven? Probably closer to any of the satellites in space than we are. (He could watch it from the clouds, but he's a sucker for surround sound). So god was upset at the evangelicals for making it personal, so he made it personal, with a super bowl win during mardi-gras! Everyone is getting laid in New Orleans this week! You know how many abortions are going to happen because of the Saints super bowl win during Mardi-gras!? You know how many mistaken sexual encounters people are going to have? It's time to repopulate New Orleans baby! But, for the Evangelicals sake, make sure not to use protection, the old testament forbids wasting seed.

2. BLACK REDEMPTION!
Yes, I've always been a big supporter of the black race. They are a good people, and YES, I'm generalizing they are ALL good people, not like those dirty rotten Mayans and their bullshit calendar (it's ok to trash the Mayans because they don't exist anymore). The blacks have had it bad for hundreds of years and god knows this. Well, of course he does, he's omniscient. Africa is the largest and poorest continent, genocide all over it, they've been oppressed by North and South America, and people of color don't seem to be able to get a break. Just a few weeks ago Haiti was jacked up by an awful earthquake. Now, don't get me wrong, this super Bowl does not fix everything, God admits that, but look at the overall Motif of the last 12 months. We've got a black president, they finally made a Nelson Mandela movie, Michael Vick is playing football again, and the Saints have won the super bowl...not bad! God is helping break down racial barriers every day. What do racist white people hate more than black people? Inspired Black People. What do they hate more than inspired black people? Inspired rich black people. What do they hate more than Inspired rich black people? Inspired rich black people with influence. The New Orleans Saints, a team that is mostly African American, in a very urban state where the players make at least 500,000 dollars a year are now immortalized not only in Lousiana but also in CANTON OHIO (even the name of the city reminds me of a cracker), where a picture of their oreo cookie team will be put up right next to the 1970 all white super bowl winner Kansas City Chiefs. Names like Malcolm Jenkins and Usama young will be said in the same sentence as Jim Marshall and Derek Eller (you can guess those are the white boy names). Do you think what's in a name? I want you to look at the names of the presidents of the United States and try not to giggle when you read John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, William Clinton, George Bush and then...Barack Hussein Obama. Fantastic! And all this in one year. Billions of dollars has went to Haiti! Everyone is giving money, the philanthropy has been amazing, the entire world has stepped up to help Haiti, the Saints have won the super bowl, arguably the most powerful man in the world has Kenyan ancestry...not bad. not bad at all. And yes, you can take a moment to thank god for it all.

3. Boobies
Yes, I touched on this earlier in the blog (I've also touched boobies earlier), but everyone loves boobies. Even god. Don't believe me? You're telling me god doesn't love his creations? That's blasphemy! God could have created woman in many different ways but he chose them to have boobies but he loves boobies just like all people do, and what better way to show off his fantastic creations than having the saints win the super bowl during Mardigras. You ask anyone what is the one thing they think of when they think Mardigras, and the answer is titties. There are titties everywhere in Mardigras. Black titties, white titties, asian titties, mexican titties, painted titties, small titties and big titties. There is no Tittycism (Titty Racism) in New Orleans, they are open to all exposed breasts, and so is God. God KNEW that if the Saints win the super bowl that people would be more willing to show off thier pairs of his fantastic creations easier. Now, I know what you're thinking. God doesn't need to show off! Oh please. Remember the rainbow at the end of Noah's Ark? I've been to Alaska, it's beautiful, you don't think God took a moment and was like "this shit is awesome! They are going to be so jealous of my power!" Of course he did! And out of all his creations, what are the things that are revered by all men, many women strive to have more of this creation, TITTIES! So, excuse me if I believe my lord and savior wants to show off one of his finest products, and the best way to do it of course, it a New Orleans Super bowl win during Mardigras.

So, there you go. Three very simple, rational reasons why our lord and savior picked the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Now, I know most of you bet on the Colts because you didn't understand the nature of god, but don't feel bad, because when you're on God's team everyone wins!


Monday, November 16, 2009

Lil' Obama Bow Wah/Update on Levi Johnston's Penis


Ladies and gentleman I am angry. I am infuriated at our socialist, nazi sympathizer, arab, non-american president Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. Why am I angry at him? Well, me and my other "real american" friends are DISGUSTED that OUR president BOWED to the Japanese president! Don't believe me? Think this is me spewing lies? This article about people angry at Obama for bowing was on the homepage of MSNBC only a few hours ago! And MSNBC is the liberal news network! (I'll give you a minute to click on the link and read in fury)
This is disgusting, this is awful, I mean, why would Obama think it is ok to bow to anyone other than god himself! If Christianity has taught me anything (and it hasn't) it has taught me that I shouldn't bow to any man or image of a man (except for images of Jesus, mary, mary magdalene, Paul, Jon the Baptist, and that crilled cheese sandwich that has Jesus's face burnt on it). I mean, it is not a good enough excuse that in Japan everyone bows to everyone for a sign of respect, and handshakes are very taboo in their culture, he is the American president god dammit! Fuck their culture! We shake hands! Not only did Barack Obama bow to the Japanese president, but he bowed LOWER than the president bowed to him. For god's sake, why don't you just got on your knees and blow him Barack? Jeez...suck up. Do you know what it means to bow to someone in Japan? It shows that you respect the person as an equal...HOW DARE HE! Who does this guy think he is? And you see that picture (on the top of the page) of Obama bowing slightly and holding his hands at his heart to the Hindus? I don't understand this guy! Next thing you know he'll be sacrificing humans when he visits a satanist for a peace mission (I nominate glenn beck, Dane Cook, or the Geico Gecko as the sacrifice).
I'm agree with the criticism, it is appalling that Obama has made time to learn and respect these people's customs and traditions. It almost seems like he CARES about what these people believe, it almost seems like he respects them...yuk. How dare he be part of the culture of the land he visits? People who want to find evidence that Obama wasn't born in America, don't look at his birth certificate, look at what he does. A new study says that over half of American High Schoolers can't point out Iraq on a globe, but Obama knows to bow to a Japanese guy? He's an Arab!
Even worse, Obama's bow was done to none other than the son of the emperor of Japan who ruled Japan during Pearl Harbor! This is anti-american! This man's father started a war with our country and we are bowing to his son? We are Amrica god dammit! We hold grudges! I mean, grudges is why the second bush started the Iraq War! (no, I'm sorry...that's ridiculous, it was obviously the WMDS). Obama should have bowed and then threw another nuke on Hiroshima dammit. That will teach them.
Now, maybe you're thinking "David you're nuts. This was a mistake! His back went out! He saw some gum on the floor he didn't want to step on! It was a one time thing!" I bring you to THIS EVIDENCE!
The link above me is a link to a picture of what happened on April 2, 2009...a day that will live in infamy...where Barack HUSSEIN obama bowed to his Arab King, the King of Saudi Arabia! Now, yes, it was a slight head nod, and some say that Obama is taller than the king and the picture was taken during a sort of awkward hand shake into whisper moment, BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH! Obama has bowed now to two of our worst enemies over the last century, the Japanese and the Arabs, and yes, I'm generalizing but I have to! You saw what happened in fort hood! A crazy guy, who the government knew had been unstable for a year and who had kept saying he was going to kill people, killed people! It's ok to generalize about Arabs now because this one guy who recently converted to Islam went nuts in this one incident.
So, obama has bowed to two mortal enemies, the Arabs and the Japanese...all we need to do is dig up hitler's body so he can give him a nice reach around and he'd be three for three. Oh wait...he is honoring and bowing to hitler with his socialist, nazi healthcare bill, that is exactly like the third reich (acording to the teabaggers and all their signs) You see, Obama's healthcare plan is EXACTLY like the third reich...Hitler rounded up millions of people, then murdered 13 million people in gas chambers, and Obama wants everyone in the country to have healthcare no matter how poor, THEY ARE TOO EERILY SIMILAR!! THEY ARE EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! AHHHHHH! One simple equation for you math geeks out there: Obama + Universal Healthcare = Murder of 13 million innocent people and resurrection of Adolph Hitler.

NOW, as promised in my title, an update on Levi Johnston's penis!
I have some bad news for everyone...I just was informed via my many sources that Levi Johnston will not be posing full frontal in Playgirl. (I'll give you all a collective moment where you can all take your hands off your penises and allow the blood to flow back into your bodies). The good news is though that we will still see plenty of ass and partial penis (not sure what partial penis means, but I'm excited to find out!) Here's to hoping we get a little ass hole action. If we get a little ass hole action, I might be bowing to Levi Johnston the next time I see him...I'm sure Mr. Obama will.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Would Tufts Sexile David Letterman?

Some disturbing news has been reported this week and I'm glad to be back and report it to you all. First, This week Tufts university has announced that it is not allowing students to have sex if their roommate is in the room. This is a disgrace, this is awful...I mean, college is all about experiences and there is no experience that puts hair on your chest more than laying in your bed quietly masturbating to your roommate having sex with that chick from playwriting class. I mean it takes real skill to masturbate quietly! Masturbation and sex are like racquetball, it's supposed to be loud! If it's quiet you're not playing it right, and it's usually best to be wearing goggles during it...just in case (this is all from personal experience). But seriously, I mean...don't we believe that our college students can handle this stuff themselves? I have friends who would leave a tie on their door, sometimes a sock as a symbol to their roommates if they were getting laid. I was a little more blunt with my sex symbols, I used to make mad libs up for the roomys. Just fill in your name, the ladies name and sign at the bottom with a time when we can come back in. This is the 21st century! Text your roommate! "Hey. I'm about to get a blowjob, don't come home for the next 20 minutes...ok ok...10 minutes...well I need a couple minutes to clean up!" (that's a gross joke) It's that easy!
Tufts also doesn't address group sex. I mean, group sex is a large part of the college experience, what if your roommate is involved with you in the orgy in your dorm...you were both present during sex...is that against Tufts rules? What about gay sex? If you're fucking your roommate, then you're there when he is having sex. That would be a great way to get back at a scorned lover!
But, at the end of the day, I have to say...who the fuck wants to be in the room while someone else is having sex? Like, I would not want ANYONE to have to watch me have sex. Watching me have sex is like trying to watch a midget get into a hummer, there's puffing, huffing, jumping, lunging, wheezing, and sweating, and even if he gets in and can turn the ignition, the car is gonna run out of gas real quick.
Speaking of comedians getting laid, how about my boy David Letterman? You know for someone so grumpy and sad as Letterman, he sure seems to be getting his rocks off a lot. I gotta say, I'm a cynical, mean, sarcastic guy, but I bet you I'd be a little less if I was having constant sex with women who thought I was the funniest, most talented guy they knew (It's called a god complex). Speaking of god, he sucks...moving on. Some people are defending letterman, they say he wasn't married so it wasn't as bad as if he was...but here's the thing...He's been dating the same woman for 25 years! I mean, it's the same fucking thing as marriage! It's probably holier than marriage seeing as half of marriages fail. I think it's ridiculous to hold marriage up to such a high standard, don't get me wrong marriage is great, but if two people love eachother (and they aren't gay or interracial) then isn't it enough to love the person and not fuck your 25 year old intern? Isn't it really the same thing...but at the end of the day as the philosopher beyonce said "If you like it...then you better put a ring on it."
I go back and forth on the letterman thing, as a moral person I go...come on Letterman, what about your spouse? But as a fellow man and comedian, I'm going ohhhh yeeesss. I mean, David Letterman is gross and he's getting laid! MAD PROPS! But I'll tell you this...I'd never want to see letterman get laid...I don't want to see anyone with a heart condition have sex, it'd be like watching a horror movie, you're just on the edge of your seat waiting to see if he dies. You ever think when Letterman is done performing he just lets slip "And now stay tuned for Craig Ferguson?"
I'll conclude with this idea. We've turned sex into a competition in this country. Everyone is always talking about who is getting laid, how many times, how long did he last, did he get the girl off, where they did it, how they did it, and how awake was she? (the answer to that last one is just enough) But we need to remember what sex is really about. It's about betraying god, disgracing your family, hurting the the ones you love, using it as a way to boost your shattered, warped self esteem, and making others uncomfortable...(betraying god is the one that gets me off) at least that's what I've learned from all the tv I've ever watched. Maybe that's why Tufts banned sex with the roommate in the room...your remember that feeling you got when you pictured Letterman getting laid? That nauseating feeling in your throat....now imagine if that was happening right next to you in a 8X10 foot dorm room....I'd transfer like I have already...over to Conan O Brien.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

BAILOUT THE LIVE ACTION SITCOM!!!

Hey blog readers and fans.
Just updating you on the show I head wrote and am in " Bailout! The Live Action sitcom". We just opened and the show is very funny.
you can purchase by contacting us, a season pass for $20.00. The season pass allows you to see all 6 episodes as many times as they are shown for only 20.00. That's a possible viewing of 12 performances , 6 different episodes, over 5 hours of my brilliant comedy for only 20 dollars. Contact me at offcolortheatrecompany!@gmail.com for the season pass. You can buy single tickets at the door or online at

http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=8789#showtimes
Here's the show's schedule.

Episode 1 - 7PM Fri. 9/4/09, 7PM Mon. 9/7/09

Episode 2 - 9PM Mon. 9/7/09, 7PM Thurs. 9/10/09

Episode 3 - 9PM Thu. 9/10, 7PM Sun. 9/13/09

Episode 4 - 9PM Sun. 9/13/09, 7PM Wed. 9/16/09

Episode 5 - 9PM Wed. 9/16/09, 5PM Sat. 9/19/09

Episode 6 - 7PM Sat. 9/19/09, 9PM Sat/ 9/19/09



Please come see the show if you live in or near Philadelphia!!
It's only 5 dollars!

It's at the Arts Bank Cabaret at 601 S Broad Street, right on the corner of broad and south!

Check out my company's website offcolortheatrecompany.org
and if you got more money, donate to us so we can produce more comedy in the city.

Come see Bailout! Don't miss out!!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Who Let Michael Vick Out? Who? Who? Who?

I watched Micheal Vick's press conference today with an open heart and open ears, but I didn't buy what Michael Vick was saying. If you don't know what I'm talking about, last night, the Philadelphia Eagles signed Mike Vick to a two year deal. Now we all know what I think about the situation, I believe Michael's punishment wasn't fitting...prison for it? Nah..I think Vick should have been put into a ring with a rabid, angry dog, one that he or his croneys help train and turn into a psycho, and have them fight it out. The winner goes free (but with injuries) and the loser gets dragged outside, soaked in water and electrocuted to death...cause that is what vick did to his losers.
What people seem to forget in this case isn't that Michael Vick was just an innocent bystander of dogfights...he brutally murdered, through drowning, electricuting and choking over a dozen dogs, he bought his Virginia mansion for one reason...to dogfight...and he funded the illegall transportation of dogs all over the country for dogfighting...Here are some select quotes from the Eagle's press conference today, and why...I just don't buy it.

Vick kept calling his involvement a "Mistake." No Michael, I'm sorry...a mistake is tripping and falling and grabbing a girl's boob inadvertently, a mistake is when you're chopping wood, the axe flies out of your hand and hits someone 100 feet away, a mistake (to give an example from the nfl) is if you were partying too hard, got too drunk to realize you were driving a car and hit someone jaywalking...THOSE are mistakes, all to different degrees. Premeditated murder of dogs isn't a mistake! Something can't be a mistake if you did it for years and years and years and had a very specific plan on how to do it without getting caught. Mistakes aren't usually evil and what he did was evil! Most serial killers start out by killing animals, that's not a coincidence! It's a lack of respect for life and Vick has not proven he has any respect for the life of animals. He kept saying "I've teamed up with the humane society." But he's made noooo specifics on what that means. I get e-mails from greenpeace, Move-on.org, Republicans of Florida, Jewish queer youth, and pizza hut...does that mean I've teamed up with them too Michael? Cause let me tell you, I sure as shit am not a gay environmentalist liberal republican who enjoys a shitty pizza every once in a while (though I do enjoy a shitty pizza every once in a while). And I bet I've done just as much for them as Michael has..."he's teamed up"...please...how? He went to a couple rallies and has spoken to some kids...that's not teaming up.

That brings me to my next quote:

When asked about how he will clean up his image Michael gave no specifics, he did say this though
"“if I can help more animals than I hurt…then I’m contributing…I’m doing my part."
That's going to be a lot of work Michael seeing as you were personally connected in one way or another to over a hundred dog slayings. Wow! So, if he helps more dogs than he killed, he'll be doing his part! According to that logic, I can murder Michael vick, and then save two people from a fire and I would have served my time too! How simple! The bible isn't "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" it's an eye for two eyes, and a tooth for two teeth"! Of course! Speaking of god, Tony Dungy has become Vick's mentor, he retired from football last year...to I guess...spend more time being a missionary? What? Dungy now spends his time mentoring prisoners in Tampa Bay, which makes no sense to me seeing that his son commited suicide two years ago. I'm sorry, I know....awful, but if I'm a young person looking for a mentor, I don't see myself choosing the guy who fucked up his most important, and closest mentoring case...all I'm saying. Dungy should stick to football or his familiy and leave the Jesus talk up to the crazy fuckers on the corners of Broad and Market teling me how my soul is damned...but Michael's isn't damned because "If he can help more animals than he hurt...he'll be doing his part."

When asked what he thought about dogfighting Michael called it "unnecessary" and a "pointless activity". WOW! Those are strong words! Pointless! Unneccessary! You know what else is pointless and unnecessary...video games, masturbation, me dressing up in my mother's clothes and pretending I'm betty boop...you know what should be described as something bigger than pointless and unnecessary...DOGFIGHTING. Here's some adjectives he could have used that would be better than pointless...how about Heinous, evil, disgusting, awful, abominable, terrible, cruel, stupid, retarded, fucked up, and so on...but pointless? PLEASE. Unnecessary? Unnecessary? It's unnecessary to drink your own urine...dogfighting is waaaayyyyyy past unnecessary. You know what's pointless and unnecessary? Thinking that calling something as disgusting as dogfighting just pointless and unnecessaary.

Vick answered a question by saying
“now I understand people care about their animals, the welfare of their animals.”"
NOW he knows? What is he retarded? Has he lived in some other world where people murdered dogs all the time in front of him? This is America! Turn on the tv, we have pictures of puppies all over the tv...any tv show with the stereotypical american family has a dog as the loyal friend. Has he never heard of Lassie? Warrick Dunn, his former teammate helps out at an animal shelter in Atlanta. He NOW understands people care about animals? Are you shitting me? That is the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard! Come on! Michael vick you are either absolutely stupid or full of shit...neither one bodes well for you. I NOW understand Michael Vick is retarded....no wonder he murdered dogs, it all makes sense now.

Finally, vick kept saying "this is the country of second chances". Since when? Since when was this the country for second chances? If Michael Vick was a lawyer he would've been disbarred, a doctor, his medical license would have been revoked, a business man, he would have been black listed. We have people register as sex offenders at 18 years old and have to spend the rest of their lives living 2500 feet away from any public buildings. We are the country of second chances? The country that has contiuously denied DNA testing to criminals on death row? The country that in most states has a law barring anyone charged with a felony to ever vote in an election? Meaning if at 20 you're caught dealing some pot, you will never vote again...when did this country become te country of second chances? NO. The only second chance here is by the NFL He is getting preferential treatment because he is a football player...and it is BULLSHIT.

Look...do I think Vick served his time...yes I do...do I think he deserves a second chance...yes I do...just not in the NFL. Any other profession would have thrown him out, and so should the NFL..He should have to build himself up somewhere else...start from the bottom...the same place percy and t bone started from with Vick in the prison shower...the bottom.

In conclusion, it takes a different type of person to hold a dog's head in water and feel and watch it drown, it takes a different kind of person to put electrical wires on a dog and watch it die...and that type of person is Michael Vick...and that is not a guy I want on my team...though a light shock on the nipples is sometimes a good thing...as long as there's a safety word...maybe that was the problem? Maybe the safe word between the dogs and Vick was banana and all the dog's could do was squeal in terrible pain...No...I don't trust Michael Vick...I don't trust him as far as he could throw a football...and since he's never been a good quarterback, that's not very far.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gay-to-Straight camps don't work! WHHHAAATTT?

The most shocking report of maybe ever came out today. A report so shocking that I cannot believe it's not getting the coverage it deserves...yes...today it was announced that after a several year study it turns out that gay-to-straight programs...DO NOT WORK! This is the biggest surprise since another study coming out about 3 months ago said that abstinence teaching didn't work! This is such a shame, I really had high hopes for the gay people I know. I really wanted them to be cured. I just can't understand why people genetically predisposed to being gay can't just lose it after a 3 month Jesus intensive! It seems like the perfect way to fix somebody doesn't it! Because, I mean, if there is one thing that isn't gay at all it's Jesus Christ! I mean, Jesus' picture of him, long haired, scruffy beard, blue eyes, filthy, half naked, tied up on that cross isn't sado -massichistic at all, and doesn't turn me on in the least bit. All I'm saying is I would NEVER find it sexyif the holy ghost posessed my holy cross once in a while.

If you readers don't know what I'm talking about with these gay-to-straight camps, basically parents send their gay children to camps in order for them to become straight. It's a camp where gay kids go to concentrate on not being gay, where they are concentrated into a group of "confused kids like themselves so they can concentrate on being better at this camp...I don't know what to call the camp where they go to concentrate on not being gay...it's just on the tip of my tongue...no idea...if you know what I should call it, leave me a comment and tell me....maybe something with camp in it, and maybe concentrate? I dunno...

I gotta say...I'm not surpised these gay camps didn't work...as a Jewish kid, I used to go to Jew camp...and Jew camp is totally where Jewish kids get their first sexual experiences. I'll never forget my first kiss, it was at Jew camp...we were kissing during morning services, I got a little...excited...she felt it and ran out of my room freaking out...true story...I was 17 at the time...ok no no...TURNING 17...Alright it was 6th grade...but I was a 16 year old 6th grader so... But, seriously, I've got to say, that is probably the best metaphor for my sex life since then too...running out screaming.
ANYWAY, the point is, ask any Jewish kid who ever went to Jew camp...it was THE place, EVERYONE was gonna get some at Jew camp from someone, even Herschel the mildly retarded religious kid would get a handjob. So, I look at this gay camp. All these confused, Adolescent boys up in the woods with a bunch of priests, hormones raging...I'm getting a little turned on just thinking about it and I'm straight! Are you kidding me? This was probably one big gay orgy! Why wouldn't it be!? If I was gay, I'd ask to go to one of these camps..."oh mommy please please, I want to be straight so badly". I think we should have more of these camps! I think the conservos did a good thing! Let the gays go out and fuck each other! Learn about gay sex, protection, safety...nice job conservatives!
Also, these camps are usually in the woods, and we all know if you legalize gay marriage, then beastiality is next...so the gays could be fucking some wild animals too! I don't think when gay people use the term "bear" they mean it literally, but they could now!!!

Well, it seems the U.S.A is screwed people...abstinence teaching didn't work, and now these gay-to-straight camps don't work! It almost makes you think that maybe human sexuality isn't something that can be held down or changed...that maybe it's something impulsive, instinctive in all of us...that we don't choose who we are attracted to and that it wouldn't be healthy to go against our natural urges...NO! NO! That's ridiculous! Glad I got that idea out of my head! Jesus saves...Jesus saves...OK! OK! it's out of my head!
Now, I know some of you might say that maybe I'm picking on Jesus and the catholics too much in this article, don't fundamentalist Jews, Muslims and other fanatics believe similarly, that Homosexuality is an abomination? And the answer is yes...but, most of these camps are set up by right-wing christian conservatives, and most of the camps in the study were of those kind.

God though...I just can't think of a good/clever name for the CAMPS where they get all the gay kids to CONCENTRATE on being straight...it's on the tip of my tongue...god...oh well...they take these kids to a CAMP in a CONCENTRATED area...I got nothing...

Monday, July 13, 2009

DEATH! Now that I've got your attention

Wow...there has been so much death around us lately. Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, Sarah Palin's political career...that it makes you think about your own mortalitiy doesn't it? I mean, the scary thing is we are all going to die and even scarier is we don't know what happens after death...could it really just be eternal darkness? Is that what comes after life? That Blows!
Time to go through the options of the afterlife and talk about why...no matter what you believe about after-death or no matter what actually happens...all the options blow.

1. Hell

HELL! AHHH! The scariest place not on Earth! The place you will work and burn in eternal hellfire if you are bad..scary! Hell sounds like it sucks (biggest understatement EVER)...if you are bad...you go to hell. But, like...there's GOT to be different levels of hell right? Like...ok...what if there's a gay guy who is a wonderful Catholic, but just fucks guys! Everything else in his life he is a perfect catholic but he fucks guys...he doesn't go to the same hell as baby rapers right? Cause like...as much as pat robertson hated gays, he couldn't have hated them more than baby rapers right? These are the little details we need to talk about...that no one seems to talk about with Hell. I have no interest in accepting Christ in my lifetime, and if the Catholics are right that means I go to hell for it...ok...but you're really not going to put me in the same place as murderers are you? I mean, COME ON! That's not justice! AND if you are going to put me in that same place...then why don't I just go murder and rape? I'm going to wind up in the same place anyway right? If I am a good person but don't accept christ...go to hell...if I rape and murder 14 year olds...go to Hell...so why not just rape and murder? It's more fun anyway?
Just an Idea...do we go make a rape children club now in the name of Christ?

2. Purgatory.

Some Christians believe that if you don't accept Christ but are a good person you spend your whole eternity in Purgatory, which is just like a waiting room basically. This sounds like THE WORST option, cause like...if I'm in hell...I'm working you know? Time goes by when I'm working, I'm picking up molten rocks, and buliding volcanos or whatever...but I'd go nuts just sitting in a white room for all eternity. I mean, how many times in an eternity can you play with yourself?...and that's probably the reason I got there in the first place. No no no. I'd rather be a slave for all eternity than just sit around.
So, purgatory BLOWS!

3. Heaven

Is it just me or does Heaven sound like more work than hell? Most religions believe that you have some sort of rekindling with your relatives in heaven like immediately...oh yeah...that's not awkward...You know how it's weird to see your great aunt Lillith every three years at the family reunion, she asks you all those awkward questions you don't want to answer...? Imagine that...times an ETERNITY! You go up to heaven, there's your great grandmother who died when you were three, she knows EVERYTHING about you, from when you lost your first tooth to the women you fantasized about when having sex with your wife. She starts asking you questions "how are you?" "how have you been?"
"Well, I just had a heart attack and am dead so..."
And can you imagine if your wife is dead? How awkward is that? Death is like the ultimate break-up...all of the sudden you're reconnected in the after life? That's got to be some awkward catching up time. Yeah...I got to tell you...it sounds like too much work for me and just sooo awkward...Heaven sounds like a bad episode of the office.
Also, all the depictions of heaven is like harp music...but I don't really like the Harp...I find it quite annoying..if there's harp music up in heaven I'm going to have to pass...I'm also afraid of heights...not sure how cool I am with the whole clouds thing either...YEAH...heaven doesn't really work for me...

Out of these three...I honestly thing I'd rather see myself burning in hell...Work makes time move...and I just don't need to feel uncomfortable for all eternity!

4. Nothing...now of course...there is the fourth option...NOTHING. You die and you're unconscious and us humans are nothing special and there is no higher power. If that's the case...there's no point in contemplating it because I'll be dead and unconcious and so unconcious that I just won't be giving a shit!
But, it sucks...cause I'm no longer concious...and there's something reassuring and harmonious about the idea of a spirit living on...whether its bullshit or not.

5. Reincarnation...
I HATE this option...like I like it better than purgatory cause BORING, but I don't want to do this life all over again, and I surely don't want to be a Hindu and redo it as like a ladybug or something...fuck that. If I get reincarnated as a ladybug I'm jumping off a bench or something and killing myself and trying again. Doing this life once is enough for me. I've had enough insecurities, betrayals, sadness, and happiness for an eternity...I got no interest in doing another round. By the time I get to the end of my life I'm hoping I'll be one shot away from throwing up...if I get reincarnated...I will hav taken that next shot, and now am sick as a dog. It's like people who want to go parachuting ONCE but never wanna do it again? That's life...I got the experience, I'm over it..onto other things.

Here's my issue...my whole life on this planet I'm judged. Judged by friends, family lovers, etc. and if there is a higher power, my whole life is being judged by him! Why can't it be...that when I die...I don't have to be judged anymore? All the options religion leaves me with is being judged! All the options sound like work whether it be emotional or physical...We spend our whole lives working, working working. Working for ourselves our kids our lovers our friends...I don't want to fucking work after I die! I don't want to work for the devil, I don't want to work for god...and I don't want to sit in a white room with my thumb up my ass...Here's what I want...I want a good sleep...so this is my plea to god...God...if you are up there...I don't want to immediately go to heaven...let me sleep for a couple thousand years first...let me enjoy my time off...because if life is work and the after-life is work...I better get some kind of retirement in the middle.

So, what am I trying to say here? No matter what you believe in, you're screwed. Whether it's heaven, hell, purgatory, nothing, reincarnation...all the options suck, so enjoy your time here. As limp bizkit brilliantly once said, "One day you'll see things My Way, cause you never know, no, you never know...when you're gonna go."

I am not here to explain my own belief, all I hope is that no matter what happens to me after I die..I get a little time to rest beforehand. If there is some great adventure after death...I'd love to experience it with Billy Mays...but let me get some nice eternal shut-eye first...and if there isn't eh fuck it..you can all mourn...I'll be fucking SLEEEEPPIIINNNGGGG.

Addendum:

Have you noticed that we tell all people to "Rest in Peace"? Why is that? Like it's the last thing we say to murderers before we use the death penalty. Don't we kill them for justice? Why would we want them to rest in peace? Isn't that the opposite of hell? If you are christian or believe in hell why would you ever tell a bad person to rest in peace...hell doesn't sound like peace.....right?
We need something to say to bad people that's not rest in peace, cause like those people...I don't want their rest to be peaceful, I want them to be woken up by alarms, and get itchy, and have the sun wake them up..right before they fall asleep the dog should lick their face...they should have bad dreams...why should they have a peaceful rest?
Also, maybe I don't want to rest in peace..maybe I want to rest in anger, or just loudly. Maybe I want to yell while I'm resting. Why do you have to be so forceful?...rest in peace. How about, rest in peace...if you want.
I can't sleep under pressure, so I sure as shit can't rest peacefully for eternity with you telling me to rest in peace!

Michael Jackson we'll miss you.
You are like an oreo.
Black or white, both parts of you were delicious.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Off-Color Theatre Company/ Fundraising letter





Though usually this blog is just about my attempts at comedy, today I have some exciting news.
As you all know, if you read this blog, I dropped out of school last semester to pursue comedy...and my first step toward achieving success is officially underway.
I have started a theatre company...The Off-Color Theatre company here, where I live, Philadelphia. It is a theatre company that performs different, quirky, audience engaged comedy in the city. It's all about making people laugh. Our website is up and it's www.offcolortheatrecompany.org
Check the website out, I wrote all of the content for it.
Our first show is called "Bailout! The Live Action Sitcom" I am the head writer of the project and an actor in it and can tell you it's very funny. If you like what I do on this website, you'll like the show, if you don't like what I do on this site...three other writers helped me write it, so you'll like it anyway.
Under me is the fundraising letter we sent out to everyone we knew.
Read it...if you are in Philadelphia, make sure to come see the show and buy tickets (they will be available in a couple weeks) if you have any money to spare and want to help out a comedian who is trying to bring good comedy to the world...go to the website and donate via paypal or check.
My hope is to be doing this for a long time...
Anyway, here is the fundraising letter, and I promise after that we'll be back to my stupid, angry jokes.
Thanks guys,
David Schwartzbaum

Dear Friends,

Let’s face it; the world is going down the toilet. The economy has hit rock bottom, the job market is tanking, there is turmoil in the Middle East (but when was there not?) and the worst travesty, by far: Starbucks is no longer making decaf coffee after 12 noon. As you’re reading this, you might be saying to yourself, “Yes David, that is true, but what can I do? How can I stop American culture from spiraling into oblivion?”!
There is a solution! In difficult times you’ve got to laugh. When there are troubles, hardships, or just annoyances in our lives, we must turn to humor. The only true way to raise the human spirit is to make each other laugh. The Off-Color Theatre Company has been founded on this principal and we are asking for your support.

The Off-Color Theatre Company is dedicated to:

Providing opportunities to young and talented artists to learn and explore the evolution of comedy in the Philadelphia area.

Engaging the audience in theatre,making them part of the comedy experience from inception to performance

Educating and entertain through the exploration of theatre that is progressive and unique using all different mediums of comedy.

Our crew has already played to a few packed houses and proved that our lofty goals can be achieved. Now we need your help to bring comedy and laughter—in all its forms—to everyone in the Philadelphia area.

Come be part of a new and revolutionary theatre company as an official Savior Of Comedy. We understand it’s a tough time to give money. Any contributions, large or small, can make a big difference and we will warmly welcome you into the Off Color Theatre family. Plus, to thank you for your generosity, Saviors Of Comedy benefactors will be featured in our programs as well as special offers on tickets (or not if you’d like to remain anonymous).

We have set up a PayPal account where you can easily and safely give money to the cause. Simply click here to donate now at our website! http://www.offcolortheatrecompany.org/ On the website you'll find information about our first show and the upcoming season, links to donate using paypal, suggested donation amounts, and hopefully some material that will make you giggle.

If you would like to send a check, make it out to Off Color Comedy Theatre c/o and mail it to:

Off-Color Theatre Company
PO BOX 22553
Philadelphia, PA 19110

Feel free to contact us at offcolortheatrecompany@gmail.com with any questions, clever puns or catch up on old times.

Sincerely,

David Schwartzbaum
Mark Jesse Swanson
www.offcolortheatrecompany.org

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

People hate Jews! SURPRISE! ok....and???

I've got to tell you. I don't understand the huluhbuhloo about the shooting at the holocaust memorial museum today. Someone tried to walk into a museum to kill people, couldn't so killed a security guard, and then security immediately responded and shot the crazy dude...ok? Now, it sucks when someone is murdered, especially a security guard who is supposed to protect us...but isn't that his job? Like...doesn't he sign up for this when he gets the job? Like, one of the symptoms of Valtrex is Diharrea, one of the symptoms of working security at a very sensitive place is death! It just is! It's still tragic and unnecessary..but hes a security guard! Thank god we had the other security guard there, in the same danger as the other guy to kill the guy.

NOW, I'm not discounting the situation. Someone died, someone tried to get into the holocaust memorial in DC and kill people...got that...but he didn't. This wasn't some brilliant Al-Queida plot! This was a crazy, 88 year old white supremicist who wanted to kill some kikes before he died! That's it! AND he didn't get to do it! That's the irony! He's looking down from heaven, or up from hell or sideways from pergatory and going "DAMMIT!" and shaking his white supremacist fist (cause the white fist is their symbol).

People are saying "oh this is a wake-up call. You see. The Jews are still targets"...well no shit sherlock. A WAKE UP CALL? When was Anti-semitism asleep? Was I in a coma the last 2500 years? I don't need a crazy white supremicist to shoot someone at the Holocaust memorial to remind myself (as a Jew) that people hate us. Forget that 60 years ago was the Holocaust (but never forget...hehe) We have groups like Hezbollah, Hamas, RIGHT NOW, which were started on one foundation...destruction of Jews! (it's kind of a compliment when you think about it.) Go on facebook, search Israel...you'll get more anti-israel groups, events than pro ones. Type in Holocaust...plenty of holocaust denying groups, events. What does Achmadinijad think of the Jews? Kimberly Jon Ill? I don't think they likes us very much. You would have to be absolutely retarded not to know people hate the Jews on this planet. You'd need to be deaf, dumb, blind and stupid to not realize there's antisemitism on this planet. Many Europeans blame the Jews for the financial crisis! So, excuse me if I don't cringe with fear when one crazy old guy tries to kill some Jews! Over 30 Jews have died this year in Israel from terrorist attacks, couple weeks ago people were arrested for trying to blow up a synogauge...IN NEW YORK (no press coverage on that), hundreds injured in pakistan in a terrorist attack this week...but ONE CRAZY DUDE Killing one security guard is news? Why?

The big talk now is this homeland security report that Obama got that " warned against anti-semetic violence". WHERE? America? Israel? Ethiopia? Russia? Germany? Poland? Brazil? Venezuela? Dominican Republic? All places that in the last hundred years there's been anti-semitic attacks and more!? Give me a break! What did you want Obama to do? Put metal detectors at the museum...wait there were...bag checks? Also there! Have security stop the guy from getting in? IT SUCCEDED!! That's exactly what was there!
He was warned against anti-semetic violence....ok...so this month's homeland security report said be warned about anti-semetic attacks...and I bet you EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HOMELAND SECURITY REPORT FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS HAS SAID THE SAME SHIT! It's not even typed anymore...it's a stamp at the bottom of the report..."Oh...don't forget...people are going to try and kill Jews this month.

People hate Jews! That's how it is! Whether they have good reason or not, as sure as the sun rising, and shia Lebouf being a douchebag, people hate Jews! It's just what it is! They always will! So, why is this some surprise. Yes, it was on very sacred land...the holocaust Memorial in the U.S... but, so what? That should be expected! You think terrorists would rather blow up a house or a synogauge? The holocaust museum or the Kosher bakery? Come on!

What I'm trying to say is...this is not a reminder...this attack is not a new wave of attacks...to me it seems to be ONE CRAZY 88 year old man who like another billion people on this planet hate the Jews. So, no...I'm not reminded of anything, I'm not scared for more attacks...because I know more attacks will be coming...like they have for 3,000 years!

To me...today was a success...a man tried to kill out of hate and failed. I thank and praise the security guard who died today...I wish he didn't. I wish we didn't have sick fucks like this white supremacist ass hole on this planet.but we do...and the security guard did his job...protecting the sanctity of the site. Wish he didn't have to die to do it...but life isn't fucking fair.

People hate Jews. People want to and like to kill Jews.
SURPRISE EVERYBODY! While you sit huddled and scared, I'm going to get a bagel.
Goodbye